Christmas time does not have the same excitement it did when we were children. The gifts are not for us anymore, there are no GameBoys or Cowboy & Indian figures to look forward to under the tree. Now, it is a costly obligation that we hope to get over with as quickly as possible.
It still is a great season where we can reflect and try to be with the people we love, but it doesn't contain the same sense of hope that we were fed at an earlier age. We used to believe in wonderful magical people every December, like Santa Claus or Jesus. Now we know that if there is a an obese elderly man with a white beard that allows children to sit in his lap, he is more likely to write for the Philadelphia Daily News and molest our kids than fit through a chimney.
DO NOT SIT ON THIS SANTA'S LAP
When one starts to apply facts and science to the story of Jesus, it seems pretty silly that we never get ridiculed for still believing in him once we reach our teen years. The difference is , unlike with the Santa story, there is never the asshole kid who runs around the playground telling everyone that Jesus isn't real and it's only a story that everyone's parents made up. With the story of Jesus, parents continue the lie until their deathbeds and the world chimes in that we shouldn't listen to that motherless bastard Scott from 3rd grade.
Basically, the difference between those that are worshiped on the religious level to those who perform incredible acts is abstinence. If one does the impossible, like walk on water, rise from the dead, or run option in the NFL, he might be related to God so long as he doesn't fornicate. David Blaine has those same levetation skills and can turn water into the Ace of spades tricks, but he is a creep who uses his powers for dark, dark, sex.
The point is, that Christmas is here- and because it falls on a weekend this year we get a full slate of NFL games on Saturday! By the way, Jesus is aware that I am joking and is completely not bothered by this. I emailed his people a heads up before this article was published, and he said its fine- Denver is a trap game this week, and Merry Bombs to us all!
NY Jets -3 vs NY Giants: If one was not already aware, New York City is the most important thing in the world. Everything that happens there is better than whatever it is we are doing right now. Enjoying a slice of pizza? Well, it would be a lot better if we were eating it at Ray’s in New Yawk. Hey Bejing, nice try eating that slop over there, everyone knows real Chinese food can only be found in the Big Apple.
This week’s battle between the two New York teams that will be played in both team’s home stadium in New Jersey, is the greatest example of what New York does best, talk arrogantly. The game is hyped as who will be the King of New York, or who will be a .500 team.
The game is important for playoff standings, only because both teams have choked down the stretch and are limping into this all important battle for Broadway. New York is important in the sports world, because they are loud and annoying. Both teams, and their huge media contingent, are shocked when they realize that Super Bowls just can't be bought like everything else can in New York.
Whenever a player fails in New York, the go to excuse that media uses is that the player can not handle the "big stage" of New York City. Yeah, those lights are a bit too bright for that small town Mark Sanchez, he's just not used to the show. Sanchez was a 21 year old star in Los Angeles at USC when he won the Rose Bowl. He constantly dates gorgeous super model after the next. Mark Sanchez can handle the media attention, New York just can't handle that maybe he is not that good.
NEW YORK IS BIG
The good news for the Jets this week, is that they are playing a team that thrives on the same philosophy as them, empty talk. The Giants have no choice but to engage in the hype of this game and they have tried to battle with Rex Ryan and his Jets in a war of words all week. Bad move. No body is better at pointless bragging, than Rex Ryan.
The reason why the Jets and Giants have to constantly predict big things and talk huge games, is because the city loves Joe Namath. Namath's story is legendary as he guaranteed a Super Bowl victory as an 18 point underdog 40 years ago. The thing is, Namath was drunk and poolside trying to screw hippie chicks when he ran off his mouth- perfectly acceptable.
Jets will walk the talk on Christmas Eve and prove to everyone that if you can make it here you can make it to the 6 seed in the AFC. Bottom Line: Jets-3 3 bombs!!!!
Miami +9.5 @ New England: One of the best parts of the end of the season is when dissapointing teams get ancy and go ahead and fire their coach before the season actually ends. It is truly enjoyable because it sets up the great "interim" coach tenure.
The interim coach can really hurt one's franchise. Sometimes they will reward a long time coordinator, who the players love, to finish out the string. This is currently happening in Kansas City with Romeo Crennel, and they are in danger of making the playoffs. That would be bad because the fans will pressure ownership to keep Crennel on as coach because he turned the team around, thus setting back the franchise another 6 years.
Sometimes, teams will annoint someone they know will have no chance of ever being hired, like some grizzled special team coach who has a metal hip, looks extremely uncomftorable in a suit, and just swears up a storm at his introductory press conference. It's great to see them get their chance, maybe the boys win one for him, but then we get to forget about them. Interim coaches are basically the NFL's version of Make-A-Wish foundation.
The Dolphins deperately want their team to rival their basketball counterpart, the Heat, as a sexy, star-studded destination team. Right now they need someone to hold down the fort before they get their star.
SOMEONE SAID I WAS THE COACH OF THE DOLPHINS
The Miami Dolphins found a perfect lame duck coach to fill in for the fired Tony Sporano, in Todd Bowles. Bowles is not a "football lifer" who has been waiting forever to get his shot at coach. He is a fairly young secondary coach and played pretty recently in the League. Bowles even admitted that there are 3 or 4 current coaches on the staff who would be much better candidates. Players speak as if they barely knew who he was, even after he led them to victory last week at Buffalo.
That is why he is perfect. Players like him, but they are not really going to listen to him. And that is great news for Bowles too, because he does not plan on telling them anything. He knows he has zero chance of becoming the Dolphins new pernament head coach, so he is just going to enjoy the front seat of the bus. There is nothing more dangerous than an uncoached NFL team. Bottom Line: Dolphins +9.5 2 bombs!!!
Atlanta +7 @ New Orleans: Poor Dan Marino. The Hall of Fame QB and ex-Dolphin great is about to have the only thing he still cares about ripped away from him- his passing records.
Marino never won a Super Bowl, but he is still able to live on as one of the all time greats because of his numerous passing records. Marino needs his records so he can continue to be a meathead in life and cash paychecks at CBS.
PLEASE DREW, I HAVE NO OTHER SKILLS
He is the kind of guy that must aimlessly walk the hallways while the staff does work to prepare for their weekly pre-game show, only to stop in to a cubicle to cropdust the intern. Marino's days of playing grab ass and raving about the new Jeff Dunham DVD his kids bought him are in jeopardy.
I have never been a believer that a QB must of have won a Super Bowl to be considered great, except when it comes to Marino. Mainly, because it seems that Marino is so bothered by the fact, it seems like the perfect dopey argument for an idiotic debate. There is no way Jeff Hostettler or Trent Dilfer were better than Marino, but don't let him know that.
Most of his all time records have been surpassed by either Peyton Manning or Brett Favre, and now he can only cling to his single season records. This too, will be destroyed by Drew Brees, as he only needs 318 yards to beat him.
Drew Brees is amazingly underrated as an elite QB, as he has consistently put up Brady and Rodgers type numbers for six consecutive years now. Luckily for Dan, Brees is known for being a hell of a humanitarian and will still answer Marino's unwanted text messages.
Brees knows that he has 2 games to break Marino's record, and he will be the nice guy that he is known for, and not ruin Dan's Christmas by killing his legacy on Monday Night. Bottom Line: Atlanta +7 2 bombs!!
IRISH CAR BOMB DETONATION GAME OF THE WEEK:
Minnesota +6.5 @ Washington: Speaking of ruining the holidays, there is nothing more that Grinch Shannahan enjoys for his Redskins to do. It seems like every season, Washington starts off with some hope, and immediately tail off, only to rally to play the coveted "spoiler" role"
Most teams begin training camp, spewing the tired line that their only goal is to "win the Super Bowl" and everything else would be a failure. The Redskins realize the absurdity of such lofty goals , and set their sights lower, destroying other pompous teams' uncatchable dreams.
MIKE SHANAHAN WILL EAT YOUR CHRISTMAS DREAMS
Shanahan sets up his roster with a plethera of mediocre talent that is interchangeable, so it can remain fresh for the home stretch of the year. When this season seemed to be getting off track, and Washington threatened to actually take down the very winnable NFC East, he calmly benched his QB for John Beck and inserted 4th string running back Ryan Torain.
Now Rex Grossman and Roy Helu is back, and they continued their formula of upsetting the Giants last week in an attempt to knock them out of the playoffs. Next week, they might have an incredible opportunity to end the hated Eagles season for the 6th time this year.
This sets up the rare "spoiler sandwich" game this week, where their opponent, the Vikings, have no chance of making the post season. Washington realizes that the only way to ruin the Vikings season is to let them win and further hurting their draft position. You're a mean one, Mr. Shanahan. Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: Minnesota +6.5 5 bombs!!!
Last Week: 4-0 (+12 bombs)
Year to Date: 31-26-3 (+26 bombs)
Game of the Week: 9-4-2
The NFL's recent domination of media attention took a minor setback with the announcement of the end of the NBA lockout. Finally, a sports story came out that did not take place inside of a Happy Valley shower that merited talking about other than Yahweh Tittle Tebow himself.
Much like the fake NFL lockout, no one was really sure what is was all about. NBA teams were upset when their star players would leave their dull cities to go play with their friends in new exciting towns. When Lebron James and Carmelo Anthony fled Cleveland and Denver for Miami and New York, owners cried "small market" foul.
The NBA is not Major League Baseball, where the small market teams literally can not afford to pay for superstars. Cleveland had plenty of money to offer Lebron James, and they did, he just couldn't live in Cleveland anymore. I know a lot of Cleveland fans who were furious with James' Decision to move to a nicer city to work a better job, none of those people still live in Cleveland.
That is what makes the NBA problem more personal to the owners and fans. It is not about an unfair system of economics, it is about them and their lives. Players are not chasing a dream and moving on as much as they are running away from them.
Most of the same problems still exist, as the only tweaking the NBA did was allowing the original boring team to offer more money to their star than others are allowed. An extra $20 million in cap space is not going to help Orlando convince Dwight Howard how living his entire 20s in Disney World is equally as exciting as being a young superstar in New York City.
The only way for small market teams to be able to keep their best players is to simply find a boring superstar who doesn't want or even know of a better way. Basically, one needs to find the next Tim Duncan.
The Spurs are the best dynasty in sports who simply get it. They won four championships fully embracing the "boring" philosophy. From their convention center town, to their droopy islander power forward, and interchangeable European underhanded scoop shooting guards, the Spurs love to bore. Boring stays put, and the bombs move on.
New England -7 @ Denver:
The Tim Tebow phenomenon is made for ESPN. The sports monopoly channel loves to shove athletes down our throats and then engage in week long empty debates about them.
ESPN fully embraced Tebow in college when they would endlessly hype up him as the great moral character and leader he seems to be. So much so, that it naturally created a flip side of people that grew to resent Tebow for all of his endless idolization he received.
Judgement day for the Denver Tebows?
Once ESPN squeezed every drop of converted water into wine from the college star, almost everyone now despised him and wished for his failure in the pros. ESPN quickly obliged, and went on the attack, unleashing all of their meat dope analysts to scream through the television how he is not a pro quarterback. They "Favre'd" him.
Now that Tebow's unconventional style of play has captured the nation with a series of incredible fourth quarter comeback wins, ESPN was only happy to flip sides. For the last month, they have only talked about Tebow and the magical events that occur around him.
ESPN's morning fake debate show, "First Take", stars the ultimate personality that defines their brand, Skip Bayless. For weeks, the show is Skip Bayless screaming at different black guys about how great Tim Tebow is.
Bayless and ESPN do not care what side of a debate they are on, as long as it is a side. What makes the show hilarious is when a new panelist is brought in to battle with Bayless, and they have no idea what the rules are. Usually it is an ex coach or journalist who enters with logical points and a reasonable sense of perspective. That doesn't fly with Skip.
The genius of Skip Bayless is best described by the hilarious Sean Flannery.
The point is that this Tim Tebow thing is ready to pop again and turn in the opposite direction, so ESPN can "move the needle". Now many have tried to stone the Christback in the last 2 months, and they have failed.
This is because their own evil could not measure up to the level of moral good that is Tebow, and they were blinded by Him. To beat Tebow, one must be fully commited to the darkness and thrive in the destruction of any form of deity. Our gambling Dark Lord arrives this Sunday in the form of the hooded horseman, Bill Belichick.
Belichick already began playing the part early during the week by giving his usual false compliments to Tebow to soften him up for the slaying. He said not only does he have great skills but that Tebow is a lot like Mike Vick, maybe because watching Tim play is akin to dog torture.
Bottom Line: New England -7 3 bombs!!!!
Cleveland +6.5 @ Arizona:
One good thing that has come out of all the media attention given to Tebow is that teams can get away with anything they want and no one will care, like hiding brain injuries.
Browns QB Colt McCoy suffered a severe crashing of his brain last week from the helmet of Steeler hit man James Harrison. Harrison makes a living off damaging light armed quarterbacks brains and continues to get fined or suspended for inducing numerous concussions. He simply can not help himself, it is what he does, and he is very good at doing it. He hurts players brains, and everyone knows it.
Put me back in, coach!
Everyone watched McCoy suffer an obvious concussion and get knocked unconscious late in their game versus the Steelers. Backup Seneca Wallace entered and dangerously put the Browns within scoring distance. Wallace apparently wanted to win the game, which would severely damage the Browns draft positioning.
Browns management was on to this, and they called for an immediate stop by re-entering Colt McCoy into the game. Colt quickly saved the day by finishing the game with mental capacity of a George Romero zombie. Colt quickly threw interception after interception with loose Chow Mein bouncing around his head, thus sealing the all important Browns loss.
General Manager Mike Holmgren was asked the obvious question this week, of why he would allow a man to play an NFL game with temporary brain damage. Holmgren responded that McCoy told them he hurt his elbow and everything seemed to be fine. Really Mike? You asked the trauma victim if he was okay? Did you not see the 45 replays of the confirmed brain killing Linebacker destroy your franchise's cerebellum?
I'm sure McCoy did say that, because he didn't want to lead on that he had a concussion and appear soft to his teammates. He also probably said that because part of his brain was still inside his helmet.
This week, actual doctors will not allow McCoy to play, thus giving Seneca Wallace his second chance at victory. Wallace does not care about the future of the Browns, as he clearly will not be a part of it, so he will set his mind to winning.
Bottom Line: Browns +6.5
Oakland +1.5 vs Detroit:
The Detroit Lions are the new kid who transfers into your high school and tries to portray a false tough guy image. It is a defense mechanism, because deep down they are scared and in overwhelmingly frightening circumstances of trying to meet new friends who already have their established cliques.
The Lions have not been a good team in a long time, and now that they are they seem to be going out of their way to tell everyone how mean they are. The Lions play dirty, and relish in their self appointed role as mean bullies.
What... no good?
Detroit won last week's game on a blatant illegal face mask tackle, but the refs did not call the infraction because they believe in the lie. It is an easy image to portray because of the city the team dwells in is so downtrodden. This lie works on some teams that don't know any better.
This week they play a real tough guy in Oakland. Oakland is also a horrible city that has no future, but they never feel the need to cry about it and make commercials begging America to still buy their products.
Oakland has served real hard time, and they do not want to discuss it. The only thing they hate more than their rich preppy San Francisco neighbors, are fake hard guys.
This Sunday, the Raiders will silently knock out the Lions and force their father to finally enroll them into military school to shape up.
Bottom Line: Raiders +1.5
Irish Car Bomb Detonation Game of the Week
Seattle +3.5 @ Chicago:
The Chicago Bears are a desperate team that is watching their playoff aspirations slip away. Their two best players, Jay Cutler and Matt Forte, have been sidelined for the year, and they are in a current free fall in need of help.
The Bears got their secret weapon this week in reserve wide receiver and drug lord Sam Hurd. Hurd was arrested this week trying to purchase nearly $1 million worth of cocaine and marijuana a week from a federal agent. He was building an entire drug cartel in the city of Chicago, with plans of nationwide expansion, and the Bears stupidly let him go.
Posted Friday, December 09, 2011 12:44 PM
CLACK! CLACK! Motha***kaaaaaaa!!!!
All the ownership had to do, was take the money they were not paying Fort with, use it to bail out Sam Hurd, and then start him this week versus Seattle. What Seahawk defender in their right mind would try to hurt, let alone tackle a known drug king pin that could have their family murdered before halftime?
Sam Hurd is a man who only plays professional football to keep the government away and stay on the grid. He is not someone even NFL players are willing to fuck with.
He actually has always had immense talent, but never wanted to start because it would garner too much attention and possibly effect his real bread maker, heavy narcotic selling.
Local media was mad that he was doing this alleged drug deal days before the biggest game of the season. Local drug dealers were more irate that he was playing in a meaningless game on punt coverage before the biggest drug deal of the season.
The Chicago Bears are not to be blamed for not knowing about Hurd's alternative life, because that is what his business is all about. Sam Hurd is the real deal, a living breathing Scarface, and the Bears lucked into having him on their roster.
Unfortunately, the Bears caved into public outcry and decided that employing a drug monster isn't the best PR move... have fun watching the playoffs goody two shoes.
Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: Seattle +3.5
Last Week: 3-1 (+8 bombs)
Year to date: 27-26-3 (+14 bombs)
Irish Car Bomb of the Week: 8-4-2
The NFL season is a long grind where the weeks seem to bleed into one another. After 3 months of battling, we enter the part that matters, "December football". December football is cold and tough, nothing like those fake games teams were just fooling around with during the last 13 weeks. In December, conditions are so dire that teams are forced to inch out every yard in a frozen state of championship grudge matches.
Oh man, those analysts love talking about what a different brand of football December football has to be. According to the media, all of the world class talent and sophisticated pass offenses will be useless at the first sight of snowfall.
The League is completely different now, where one must throw the ball to win, and somehow Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady still find ways to use their Hall of Fame arms in colder weather. It is always hilarious to me when teams plan their offensive philosophy around what the average temperature in their city is in December and not the actual talent that they possess.
TALENT IS MEANINGLESS ON ICE
That is why Tim Tebow's victories still anger people, not because he runs, but because he does it in October. Take advantage of the sun Tim, and throw the ball.
Another thing people do is handicap games with the city in mind. "No way can those boys from Tampa Bay play in the frozen tundra, they're gonna get killed". Yes they will, but it will be because the Packers are a much better team. Nobody is from Green Bay. The players don't work in the Packing Houses in Milwaukee and then play on Sundays for the company. Everyone in the League is from Florida, California or Texas. They all hate the cold, but they are still going to play great football, and then get the hell out of that freezing city when the season is over.
Which does lead to one point that December football does bring up, and that is which team wants this miserable experience to be over with. It is difficult to judge as it can be a week to week thing.
Take the Buffalo Bills for instance. For some reason they decided to play an inspired game against the Jets 2 weeks ago because personal pride stepped in as they were sick of losing. They then followed that up by being terrible again last week at home as I'm sure the disgust set in of seeing their miserable fans braving the cold weather to simply watch them. The thought of having to live there for a full calender year terrified them and they made sure there would not be any chance of a playoff game that would extend their season.
The bottom line bombs hit the rookie wall and put in 2 consecutive very shameful winless weeks. Somehow, even after those 2 terrible setbacks, we are still on the plus side and can finish out strong. If only we can figure out...Decembahhh!
Seattle -4.5 vs. St. Louis:
Monday Night Football has been so awful this year, it seems to be daring "Murphy Brown" to come back to give it ratings competition. No matter how bad the match-ups have been this season (and they have been putrid) people will still watch it.
The NFL is challenging any network to have a show that will out-rate the Jaguars being on twice in a month. Last week ESPN admitted to not even flying a blimp to Jacksonville for their aerial coverage, and simply spliced in footage of North Carolina they had. I'm not even sure if last week's game was actually played, but I know people watched it.
PLEASE WATCH THE "SING OFF"
This Monday, two more bad teams will be playing, and the Rams are terrified of being seen. No one on St. Louis wants family and friends to know that they are on this year's pathetic Rams team, and the NFL's cruel joke of playing them on prime time is going to jeopardize that.
The Rams quarterbacks are fighting back the only way they know how, by trying their damndest to be inactive for the game. Sam Bradford and A.J. Feeley have both refused to practice all week with self claimed injuries. Sometimes they don't get their story straight and say they have each other's problem. "Knee? Elbow? Whatever, I just couldn't give it a go, looks like the owners booth for me on Sunday"
This angered the media, because now they had to do actual research on who was the 3rd string quarterback. The answer to that is apparently Tom Brandstater, exactly the kind of name one would think to be the third guy on a horrible team. If this guy actually exists, no one really knows, but the NFL doesn't care, because we will watch their story anyway.
Bottom Line: Seattle -4.5
Oakland +11.5 @ Green Bay:
The Green Bay Packers are famous for many things in the League, mainly a proud tradition and its annoyingly naive Wisconsin fan base. Wisconsin is the ultimate mid western state of whiteness. From its dairy love, morbid obesity, and its bullshit politeness, it creates a uniquely annoying football fan.
The fans believe that not only is their team better than everyone else's (which sadly they are) but that their beliefs are on a higher level as well. They want to think their team is on a higher moral ground than the rest of the League, because the fans too, are part owners.
CEO OF THIS COMPANY
This is where the great history of the Packers and the extreme blind following of their fans come together in beautiful matrimony. The Packers remain the only publicly owned team in the NFL. Every 8 years or so, the real Packer ownership decide they need to upgrade their stadium. Instead of flipping the costly bill with their own money, they have a meaningless stock sale to raise money.
Last Tuesday, they sold 250,000 shares at $275 a pop to raise over $20 million for their renovation project. Normally when one buys a stock, it is an investment with chances of the value increasing or at least a dividend. What does one get with this purchased stock? Good question, investors. Well, one receives a piece of paper that declares you an "official team owner!" That's not all, we can also attend the annual stockholder meeting and get access to owner-only merchandise to purchase.
I once received a certificate from President Ronald Reagan when I was in grade school for Excellence in Athletic achievement for not skipping any gym classes one year. I am positive that Reagan signed it himself, and was very proud of my efforts. He only rubber stamped the other kids who got one. I was the winner, and it said so right there in writing. I was proud and obnoxious, but I was also 9.
I am all for being a bragging asshole, but there is no need to bring paperwork into the fray. I will not spend money to act like a jerk, that is all of our rights as Americans. That and violence. Here's to hoping some Raider fans make the trip to voice their displeasure with 90.000 owners.
Bottom Line: Oakland +11.5
NY Giants +3.5 @ Dallas:
The Dallas Cowboys have been known for great trios throughout the years. During their dominance in the 90s it was famously: Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin, and Emmit Smith. Many say they were the best football triplets because of their varied personalities, yet ability to come together for the one goal of championships.
However, this year's Cowboy trio is equally as talented in achieving their goal, that being hilarious losses. The trio is owner Jerry Jones who writes the script, coach Jason Garret, director, and finally its slapstick player in Tony Romo.
JERRY IS LOOKING FOR HIS NEXT GREAT TRIO
Each week Jones complains about how his first year coach Garret is running the Cowboys offense. One week it is too risky, the next too conservative. It is what Jerry Jones does. He armchair quarterbacks after the fact and says his way is better, even if his way changes week to week.
Normally Cowboy coaches don't listen to him, but they make him happy by saying they will consider his tips until they get fired. Garret, however, is playing the comedy director position perfectly by actually listening to him and allowing Romo to play out the hilarity.
Last Sunday, with the game tied and a minute remaining, Garret tried all of the advice at once during the would be game winning drive. First he went with Reckless Romo, and that got Dallas down to the 34 yard line with 25 seconds remaining. Next, he went with careful Romo as he let the clock go down to 2 seconds, because he was terrified of asking him to get them the additional needed 10 yards for a safe field goal.
Finally, Garret stepped out on his own and decided to dial up his own bit by freezing his own kicker. He called a timeout the second before his kicker drilled the game winning kick, thus nullifying the victory.
Usually it is the opponent who tries to get in the kickers head by calling a timeout right before the play, forcing him to make it twice. Everyone usually screams how it does not work, because it gives the kicker time to set up and get in a practice kick.
The idea that it messes with the fragile kickers head is outdated, as modern kickers have become extremely good at their jobs. But what if your own coach goes for the freeze? Then what is he trying to say? Who knows, but it's hilarious.
Bottom Line: Giants +3.5
IRISH CAR BOMB DETONATION GAME OF THE WEEK:
San Diego -7 vs. Buffalo:
Norv Turner knows how to not make a scene and get kicked out of the party. The Chargers head coach has coached the most games in NFL history with a losing record, but he never gets fired.
Turner knows exactly the bare minimum required every season it will take to keep his job. He is basically what most Americans do every day at the office. Just enough work that it doesn't raise any red flags to the bosses, making sure the time sheets are filled out and getting in on time. Then he takes a nap in the bathroom for an hour.
Posted Saturday, December 03, 2011 04:11 PM
WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
Every year the Chargers are acknowledged by all as having one of the most talented rosters on the League, and then accepted for failing to make the playoffs. Usually, the path Turner chose was to start the year off terribly and then catch fire having to play make up the rest of the way.
That way if they do fall short, he is not blamed because everyone remembers how great they played at the end of the year, so they are excited for the next season. He basically wins the last 30 seconds of the round, like Sugar Ray Leonard, to fool the judges into thinking he was trying the whole way.
This year, the bosses were on to his tricks, so Turner needed to switch things up a bit. So he decided to start the team off hot by going 4-1. Once expectations began to rise, Turner coyly tempered them down by going on a pathetic rare mid season 5 game losing streak.
Now is when Turner knows its time to get that report in early and make sure the boss sees his car in the lot an hour early. Time to blend into the party with some meaningless wins.
Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: Chargers -7
Last Week: 0-4 (-12 bombs)
Year to Date: 24-25-3 (+6 bombs)
Game of the Week: 7-4-2
Atlanta -2.5 @ Houston:
The Houston Texans have a big problem. They are having their best season in franchise history, but after another injury they enter the final month in need of a quarterback. Since the trade deadline has passed, they are forced to pull out "the list".
"The List" is composed of nearly dead ex quarterbacks who are no longer in the League that one has to call at home to convince them out of retirement. Teams have to pick the name of a quarterback that appeases the fans enough in to thinking that their season isn't lost.
Brett Favre, Jeff George, David Garrard, J.P. Lossman, and Patrick Ramsey are names that get batted around only to be told by them that they have no interest of playing terribly again in front of people. Eventually, some one in the office brings up the name that silences the room...Jeff Garcia.
YOU KNOW YOU WANT SOME GARCIA
Nobody wants Jeff Garcia, despite the fact that he wants to play football and is actually pretty good at playing it. The problem is that football thinks he is gay thus making their team appear gay. Fans are torn rooting for his effective, yet effeminate style of quarterbacking, not to mention his German techno DJ physical appearance.
Jeff Garcia has played for 9 different teams in 3 separate professional leagues because of footballs meat head mentality. He has been forced to scream to football that he is not gay. Besides fielding direct questions about it, his agent made him marry a Playboy bunny to ease football's mind.
Houston was not about to risk signing him for their Texas fans, so they selected good ol boy Jake Delhomme off "the list" Jake is a southern man who hunts who somehow once went to a Super Bowl, who is not good. Perfect fit.
Bottom Line: Atlanta-2.5
New England -20 vs Indianapolis:
A lot has been made of the spread in this mismatch of a game between the worst team in the League against the best team. Rarely in professional football is there ever a spread as high as 20 points. In fact it has only happened ten times since 1978.
The favorites have only covered twice out of those 10 times, usually because their coaches are human and have some empathy towards their fellow players. Bill Belichick is not one of those coaches.
Last week a reporter rightfully asked Belichick how he can gauge themselves on their play against a winless team, and he berated her in his robotic evil tone.
He is a true jerk in every sense and who posses zero human feelings. He is a coach one can trust putting one's money on and laugh along as he runs up the score and crush the spirits of any weakling in his way.
Bottom Line: New England -20
Detroit +9.5 @ New Orleans:
Last week Lions DT Ndamukong Suh got into a fight while playing in a football game, and apparently that calls for a suspension and therapy. It is perfectly fine to get into a series of car crash collisions with player's brains for 3 hours, but if one kick someone after the whistle there must be something wrong with him.
The NFL suspended Suh for 2 games and people are demanding that he goes to Anger Management class to help his rehabilitation. He plays professional football. It is a violent sport, played by extremely large and vicious men. Suh is not getting into road rage incidents and snapping off at people around the office when they say dumb things like "Do you have enough Bandwidth?"
THIS MAN HAS EXTREME ANGER ISSUES
The problem with what Suh did, was that he did his kicking incident on Thanksgiving. Families were watching, and they were outraged that they had to explain to their kids not to do things like that. Nothing infuriates parents more than having to talk to their children.
This game is at night, and all the kids should be asleep for the dirty Lions to frolic.
Bottom Line: Detroit +9.5
Irish Car Bomb Detonation Game of the Week:
Buffalo -1.5 vs. Tennessee:
An even bigger crime in the NFL than getting in a fight after the play is over, is to dance. Bills Wide Receiver Stevie Johnson scored a touchdown last Sunday and then proceeded to mock Plaxico Burress in his celebration dance.
Johnson was flagged 15 yards and the Jets scored on the ensuing drive before halftime to tie the game up. Meat dopes at ESPN, like Merrill Hoge, called for the young star to be released. Nothing angers old school football players more than celebration dances, it enrages them.
Hoge went on about how he cost the team the victory with his antics. He didn't even mention the fact that he actually did cost them the game when he dropped a would be game winning touchdown pass at the end of the game. I'm sure Hoge is convinced that the reason why he did drop the pass is because he was thinking about what dance he wanted to do next.
Posted Sunday, November 27, 2011 09:32 AM
DANCE ON THE GROUND DANCE ON THE GROUND
No one talks about what happened after the penalty either. Johnson's penalty was 15 yards. It helped the Jets, sure, but it was not the reason why they scored. The Bills kicker slipped, ad hit the ball off his shin for a total of 12 yards giving the ball to the jets on the 32 yard line. Wasn't his fault though, he couldn't stop thinking about Johnson's dance and how classless it was. How could he concentrate and kick the ball after that display?
What is funny about the Johnson dance routine is that what he did was not illegal until he slipped and went to the ground. That is the NFL rule towards celebration penalties. The player is allowed to do whatever he wants with choreography provided he is alone and does not go to the ground. I have no idea why they think going to the turf is too much, but doing a salsa dance is not.
Theoretically, Johnson could do his one man jazz dance on top of the goal posts if he wanted to. There is no rule about going up as high as possible, as Packer players routinely jump into the stands for their celebrations.
Hopefully Stevie Johnson will have learned his lesson after getting fined $10,000 and stay off the ground during this weeks many dances.
Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: Bills -1.5
Last Week: 0-4 (-10 bombs)
Year to Date: 24-21-3 (+18 bombs)
Irish Car Bomb if the Week: 7-3-2
Thanksgiving football weekend has grown bigger through the years putting us through the full gamut of holiday emotions. The NFL has recently added a 3rd night game to follow Detroit and Dallas and give us another opportunity to not talk to our families. The games themselves, really represents who we and our shameful families are.
It started off in the morning with the upstart Lions hosting the World Champ Packers. This was supposed to be the year when the Lions game finally was not awful leaving us questioning why we must suffer through them every Thanksgiving.
The Lions are like our fuck up brother who is trying to hold it together but always on the verge of snapping every holiday. We finally let him host the dinner because things looked promising this year. He has a good defense and a new younger girlfriend that seems to be settling him down. We thought he would be ready to step up and host the Packers this year. But the second Dad questions his play calling, he freaks out and steps on an offensive lineman kicking everyone out before its even 2 o clock.
Luckily our Aunt Dallas Cowboys fully anticipated Detroit's blowup and reviled the fact that we had to come crawling to her for dinner. We go back to her every time, because we know she will put up a good spread. There will be a lot of pretentious table settings, judgment on life decisions, and a rite of passage uninspired victory for the Cowboys.
WE ARE ALL THE HARBAUGHS
The Harbaugh brother battle between Baltimore and San Francisco was when all hell broke loose. While our Aunt Dallas allowed to us partake in minimal wine and beer consumption to celebrate her home, the night game turns it up a notch. This is the game where we all overstay our welcome and get into the hard liquor. All family members start fighting after the full day of consuming passive aggressiveness.
Parents tried to stay neutral and wear jerseys that supported both siblings, but ultimately its a drunken therapy screaming session of who was loved more. The truth is we all hate each other, and we will see you in Christmas. Now on to emotional bombs!
San Diego -5.5 vs Denver:
This game will answer the question that really has never been asked in recent time. Is it better to have a quarterback that refuses to throw the ball at all or one that refuses to throw the ball to his own team?
Tim Tebow continues to win games for Denver by using leadership, divine character, occasional good runs and a suddenly incredible defense. Media members are completely torn with their criticism of Tebow. On one hand they know, that he is a terrible quarterback, whose unconventional running style is not built for long time success. On the other hand, they do not want to go to hell, if Tebow hears whispers of their criticisms, since Saint H-Back has a direct line to God.
TEBOW DOESN'T MIND IF YOU HATE HIM
Writers go out of their way to say that Tebow is a great person and they are actually rooting for him to do good. They go on and on about his "presence" and "leadership" and tip toe around the fact that he does not throw a forward pass in a 2011 NFL football game. Just once I would love Peter King to open his MMQB column with, "Tim Tebow is a terrible person, but a great Quarterback."
Phillip Rivers is playing the quarterback position in opposite fashion, where he has gone out of his way this year to throw countless interceptions in situations where it even seemed impossible.
Just when his team was coming back against the Bears last week, Rivers threw a game ending pick when everyone thought he was just throwing it away. He dares defensive backs to always be ready, because one never knows when Rivers is going to dial up their number. Rivers will then blame any of his receivers that were in the vicinity of running the wrong route by berating them.
Rivers is a great person, but a terrible quarterback. The good guy wins this week.
Bottom Line: San Diego -5.5
St Lois -2.5 vs Arizona:
Some of the best parts of a winding down NFL season is when bad teams start to throw random guys on the field to play quarterback.
Ever since Kurt Warner retired, the Cardinals have trotted out a roster of guys that must have been plucked from some Fall Cactus League baseball roster who swear they "can wing it". Men with names like Max Hall, Derek Anderson and John Skelton.
HE IS A BETTER OPTION THAN TOMMIE FRAZIER
When Skelton, subbing for an injured Kevin Kolb, inevitably failed last week, the Cards were at it again. Arizona played a man named Richard Bartel without any explanation just hoping we wouldn't notice. Announcers play along and act like nothing as happened as well by casually saying, "So Bartell will enter the game now". What? Who the hell is Bartell? Where did he go to school? (Answer: Tartelton State) Are you making this person up?
When one thinks of all the great college QBs that were never given a chance to play in the NFL, because we were told they simply are not a "pro style QB", just watch 'ol Dick Bartel. The Rams are bad, but I know Sam Bradford actually exists.
Bottom Line: St. Louis -2.5
Tampa Bay +3.5 @ Tennessee:
On the flip side of no name quarterbacks playing these meaningless games is the insertion of a rookie that the team has invested their future in to. Usually a team will sign a veteran QB to begin the transition phase to their first round pick, with no aspirations that the veteran would be a long term solution.
The Titans did this when they signed Matt Hasselbeck to be the lame duck signal caller until they believed rookie Jake Locker would be ready. Last week, with the Titans season well on its way down to insignificance, Locker stepped in for an injured Hasselbeck and breathed some fresh life into the lineup.
HASSELBECK HATES THE FUTURE
So, naturally the Titans would let Locker finish the remaining games so they can see what they have with him and give their fans something to look forward to for the future.
The problem is no one told Hasselbeck the plans, and he refuses to let any Titan fan have fun for the last couple of games. He came out and announce to anyone who was listening that he is good to go for another mediocre performance this Sunday.
"Really Matt? Because it's fine if you want to take your time with this elbow injury, we won't mind." ... "No, I'm sure. I am good to go and gonna grit this one out, because that's what my fans deserve!" Uh, you don't have any fans Matt.
Bottom Line: Tampa Bay +3.5
Irish Car Bomb Detonation Game of the Week:
Jets -9.5 vs Buffalo:
The NFL's favorite blowhard team, the NY Jets, suffered the ultimate humiliation last week by losing to Tim Tebow on national television. Rex Ryan was humbled when his suave, sinning quarterback could not beat the Saint from Denver with both arms tied behind his back.
Rex responded like any idiot who bit off more than he could chew, by getting mad at others for not being as good as he thinks he is. This week Ryan tried to scare his quarterback, Mark Sanchez, into believing he could be benched for the 41 year old broke back up, Mark Brunell.
Brunell took some snaps with the first team offense this week, and no one is happy about it. Not Sanchez, as he is reportedly barely on speaking terms with Ryan. Not Brunell, as he wants no part of actually playing in an NFL game with a role that is bigger than holding extra point attempts. Most importantly, not Ryan, as he even knows that nobody takes these meat head threats seriously when there are millions of dollars on the line.
EVEN WE CAN BEAT THE BILLS, RIGHT?
Luckily for the Jets, they get to take out a lot of this pent up frustration on a weakling that will actually listen to all of the New York bragging and fall in line. The Bills were the surprise of the first half of the season, and quickly got scared when they realized that making the playoffs were a possibility. Not being ready for that kind of embarrassment, they began to play like the Bills that we all know and love them as.
The Jets need to win so they can pretend that they are great again, and the Bills need to continue to realize that they are not supposed to win, ever.
Bottom Line: Jets -9.5
5 Irish Car Bombs!!!!!
Last Week: 2-1-1 (+3 bombs)
Year to Date: 24-17-3 (+28 bombs)
Irish Car Bomb of the Week: 7-2-2
Covers Streak Survivor Picks
!--*** Footer scoreboard ************ -->