Saying you want to punch a hockey player is like saying you want to “get lucky” with a prostitute. In other words, NHL betting fans, it means you ain’t saying much. What hockey player doesn’t get punched in the face from time to time? And what prostitute doesn’t get her man?

That’s why, when those who bet on hockey examine the top five most “punch-worthy” players, we can’t take the traditional route. We can’t bring fighters in the discussion. We can’t even consider the true agitators – we know everyone wants to slug Sean Avery and Jarko Ruutu. To really learn something new, NHL betting players must dig deeper. Who are the guys who make your blood boil, who make you want to slug them in the face – and do it without acts of violence? Who are the douchebags who drive people crazy with their smug expressions or goofy chatter alone?

Let’s break down the guys who make online betting players insane for almost unexplainable reasons.

And if you think I forgot Alex Kovalev, watch this. You’ll never want to punch him again.

5. Ilya Kovalchuk, Atlanta Thrashers

Sure, he’s big and fast and he scores some downright sick goals, but come on…where do we start with this guy? Canadians went nuts when he hot-dogged while scoring an empty-netter in the World Juniors several years ago. Then there was the Crosby-taunting incident in 2005-06. And his hair? Straight out of 1992. Someone punch this guy, pronto.

4. Jason Spezza, Ottawa Senators

What the hell is he grinning about? Is he happy because he knows he’s getting traded? Those who bet online know the Senators are in the dumps, so Spezza can’t be smiling about being in the nation’s capital. He’s the quintessential “someone needs-to-smack-that-grin-off-his-face” player. He also doesn’t play defense. No wonder sportsbook odds never favor the Sens anymore.

3. Martin Biron, Philadelphia Flyers

The guy talks more than Ryan Seacrest after 10 Red Bulls. Chirp, chirp, chirp. It doesn’t matter if he’s in net or riding the pine – Biron just never shuts up. Hey Marty – I’m pretty sure you have to be good to trash talk.

2. Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins

You didn’t think I’d forget him, did you? Yes, he’s an incredible player; he’s been very kind, and will continue to be very kind, to hockey betting fans over the years. But anyone who likes to bet on hockey and says they haven’t thought about slugging him in his big, goofy, red-lipped face is lying. We love you, Sid. But you’re a diver and a pretty boy. That demands a punch in the face.

1. Alexander Semin, Washington Capitals

He’s the new champ. Online betting fans know he’s a supreme talent, but he goes on the IR if he skins his knee. Admittedly, Semin is the kind of character who makes hockey betting more interesting; calling Crosby “dead wood” gets NHL betting fans fired up for every Caps-Pens tilt. But don’t think for a second, Alexander, that you could escape the top spot on the punch list after the arm-flailing incident, my friend.

Honorable mentions:

Marian Gaborik, Wild – never-ending groin injuries plus blonde highlights make NHL betting fans angry.
Carey Price, Canadiens – He’s awesome…but man, is this kid cocky.
Andrei Kostitsyn, Canadiens and Mikhail Grabovski, Maple Leafs – their feud has been adapted for the big screen
The Sedin twins, Canucks– had to have some Gingers on this list.
Mike Ribeiro, Stars – he’d be a hit in the World Cup…of soccer.