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The NFL Power Rankings - Week 1

By CarbonSports | View all Posts
Posted Tuesday, September 10, 2013 02:12 PM   1 comment
by Michael Stewart

What's that? You want another writer spewing out a Power Rankings article? Well here you go!

In an effort to differentiate myself a bit more, I'm coming out of left field. The rankings are based on wins, ATS records and a few random thoughts I have as a sports handicapper and moron extraordinaire. If you're looking for the type of rankings that blurts out "informative info" like "The Falcons have a tough matchup next week", then look elsewhere. By the end of the weekend, I'm so mentally exhausted that the only thing I can try and do well is be a bit funnier than the next guy.

Week 1 was crazy and so the first edition of the CarbonSports Power Poll is going to reflect that. Is Detroit really a top-10 team? No, but they're also sitting on top of their division and have a notch in the win column, which is something no other team in their division has. Things will change as the season goes on and you're invited to start a war in the comments if you feel so inclined. Just know that if you come at me, I CAN TYPE LOUDER THAN YOU.

Enjoy the Week 1 Power Rankings and let's suit up for the coming weekend.

1. Denver Broncos (1-0 SU and ATS)
The Broncos looked like a video game team last week. Or they looked like M. Bison on level ten difficulty. Or Batman. Either way, what a performance by Peyton Manning. A great offence – I guess – can cover up the huge holes you have on defence.

Next Game: Denver -5.5 at NYG 

2. San Francisco 49ers (1-0 SU and ATS)
Kaepernick can murder you on the ground, with his arm…and with scorching trash talk. “If intimidation is your game plan, I hope you have a better one”. That’s the greatest tag line ever given to an athlete by himself. Imagine it on a movie poster with Kaepernick squeezing a football. And he's one win away from making Russell Wilson shave an eyebrow! Is there anything he can't do?

Next Game: San Francisco at Seattle -3.5 

3. New Orleans Saints (1-0 SU and ATS)
And that’s why Sean Payton is the highest paid coach in the league.

Next Game: New Orleans -3.5 at Tampa 

4. New England Patriots (1-0 SU and 0-1 ATS)
Zudfield’s hurt. Vareen is out. Every time Danny Amendola catches a ball he looks like he’s about to break his collarbone. And Rob Gronkowski missed Sunday because he was getting more surgery (just kidding). You can’t knock New England because they’re so good at what they do, but this is going to be a rough regular season for them. The league smells their weakness, and they’re coming at them hard. Thank goodness they play the Jets next weekend.

Next Game: NYJ at New England -13.0

5. Green Bay Packers (0-1 SU and ATS)
Every time the Packers lose a major matchup, their fans and their players whine like a bunch of cheese eating babies. I'm getting real sick of that but it might be because I'm lactose intolerant and super jealous of anyone that isn't.

Next Game: Washington at Green Bay

6. Dallas Cowboys (1-0 SU and ATS)
They have the inside track on one of the hardest divisions in football, and while they didn’t play all that well, they got the win. The defence looks very comfortable in that 4-3 formation, but their offence leaves a lot to be desired. I don’t expect the Cowboys to remain in the top-10, especially if Romo doesn’t get better than he was on Sunday night. Playing against Andy Reid next week will be a tell-all as to how good the Cowboys actually are.

Next Game: Dallas at Kansas City -1.0

7. Detroit Lions (1-0 SU and ATS)
All across Michigan, grocery stores are reporting an increase in the use of reusable bags. When asked about this, one patron said, "We don't need them paper bags no more! Our team is awesome!" Good news for the environment. Great news for Detroit Lions fans. 

Next Game: Detroit at Arizona PK 

8. Chicago Bears (1-0 SU and 0-0-1 ATS)
When the Bears win a game, nobody gives them credit. When they lose a game, everyone piles on. Winning an ugly game and pushing on the betting line has that kind of effect.

Next Game: Minnesota at Chicago -6.5

9. Atlanta Falcons (0-1 SU and ATS)
Don't worry, Dirty Birds. You lost a hard fought game to a legitimate Super Bowl contender and you kept up your reputation as a lousy bet in Week 1. You'll get to restore order to your world in Week 2 against Steven Jackson's former team. By the way, you know how a lot of ex-teammates spill the beans on their former team's game plan? Steven Jackson doesn't seem like that kind of guy. I can see Mike Smith trying to probe him for details about the Rams while Jackson sits stoically in his locker channeling the incredible power of dignity, which is where he derives all of his strength from.

Next Game: St. Louis at Atlanta -7.0 

10. New York Giants (0-1 SU and ATS)
Did you know Eli Manning and Peyton Manning are actually brothers?! They’re playing AGAINST each other in Week 2! HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!?!?!? I can’t wait to hear what Archie Manning has to say about all this!

Next Game: Denver -5.5 at NYG 

11. Baltimore Ravens (0-1 SU and ATS)
I’m not going to bag the Baltimore Ravens for getting steamrolled by Peyton Manning because some really weird stuff happened in that game, like when Jacoby Jones was run over by his own teammate. Baltimore will maintain a strong under-the-radar presence in the sportsbook, and were much better than their Week 1 performance suggested.

Next Game: Cleveland at Baltimore -6.5

12. Houston Texans (1-0 SU and ATS)
Is it me or does Houston play with a sense of entitlement? As if they’re supposed to win the football game instead of earning the victory? That whole performance on Monday Night reeked of laziness.

Next Game: Tennessee at Houston

13. Kansas City Chiefs (1-0 SU and ATS)
The Smith-Reid debut was a success. If it was against any of the 30 other teams in the league, it would’ve mattered a bit more, but beating up on Jacksonville is like stealing candy from a limbless baby. Too graphic for you? Well talk to a Jaguars fan. I think they’d agree. Oh, I'm just kidding around. There's no such thing as a Jaguars fan.

Next Game: Dallas at Kansas City -3.0

14. Seattle Seahawks (1-0 SU and 0-1 ATS)
On the road, the Seahawks are pedestrian. At home, they have access to all the PED’s they hide in their training room. This is why Seattle is destined for a 7-9 ATS season and are the most overvalued Super Bowl contender on the board. 

Next Game: San Francisco at Seattle -3.5

15. Philadelphia Eagles (1-0 SU and ATS)
I don't think there's any chance that Philadelphia maintains that kind of pace throughout sixteen weeks. The workload is too heavy, and in the NFL, there are no "off weeks" like when Oregon plays The Washington Technical School For The Blind (Go WTSB Mole Rats!). Plus that pass defence is super sketchy. At the very least, the Eagles are having a blast. I hope they all keep those spirits up in the infirmary after Chip Kelly runs his superstars in to the mud.

Next Game: San Diego at Philadelphia

16. Buffalo Bills (0-1 SU and 1-0 ATS)
You almost beat the freaking Patriots and you’re still home dogs against Carolina?! They might as well rename this team the Buffalo Rodney Dangerfields.

Next Game: Carolina -3.0 at Buffalo 

17. Indianapolis Colts (1-0 SU and 0-1 ATS)
The future is exciting in Indianapolis, but the immediate future is a lot more perilous than people believe. The Colts will be in every game this season, but they aren’t going to be the spread busting dynamos we all became rich off of last year.

Next Game: Miami at Indianapolis -3.0

18. St. Louis Rams (1-0 SU and 0-1 ATS)
They're going to be strong at home and terrible on the road. Again. For the first time?

Next Game: St. Louis at Atlanta -7.0 

19. Cincinnati Bengals (0-1 SU and 0-0-1 ATS)
A team that is clearly not the 19th worst team in the league, but I have to be fair here. They lost to the Bears in a game where Andy Dalton was mostly amazing, though his two picks absolutely killed them. A loss is a loss. Their offence is young and exciting, but their pass defence leaves a lot to be desired. Kind of like their season of "Hard Knocks". Zing!

Next Game: Pittsburgh at Cincinnati -6.5 

20. Arizona Cardinals (0-1 SU and 1-0 ATS)
I hate all this “I feel sorry for Larry Fitzgerald” chatter. He chose to stay in Arizona and they paid him gazillions of dollars. His life is amazing, especially if Carson Palmer can continue to play like he did on Sunday. The Cardinals will be one of the best backdoor cover teams in 2013 because of the Carson-Fitzgerald combination, along with a pass defence that will be severely underrated because of the tough schedule they face. That’s exactly why there’s no line on the Detroit-Arizona game next week.

Next Game: Detroit at Arizona PK 

21. Washington Redskins (0-1 SU and ATS)
I’m sure that fans in Washington aren’t worried about Clay Matthews trying to clothesline RG3 on Sunday…

Next Game: Washington at Green Bay 

22. Minnesota Vikings (0-1 SU and ATS)
The good news is that Adrian Peterson looked like Adrian Peterson on Sunday, racking up 93 yards rushing and three total touchdowns. The bad news? Christian Ponder looked like Christian Ponder.

Next Game: Minnesota at Chicago -6.5 

23. Tennessee Titans (1-0 SU and ATS)
Gregg Williams has already turned Tennessee in to a defensive wrecking ball. If only he had Drew Brees on offence instead of Jake Locker. But don’t fret because Ryan Fitzpatrick and Rusty Smith are on the depth chart! Not getting you pumped? What about Chris Johnson picking up a whopping 70 yards? Not doing it for you? Yeesh you people are hard to please. (This paragraph has been brought to you by the word “Sarcasm” and the letter “S”).

Next Game: Tennessee at Houston

24. New York Jets (1-0 SU and ATS)
You don’t expect the Jets to win a game because their opponent is less disciplined. That’s how wonky Week 1 was. Have fun on Thursday, you idiots.

Next Game: NYJ at New England -13.0

25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1 SU and ATS)
I've never seen a quarterback react this poorly to potentially making $100 million. Also I've seen a fan base turn on a quarterback so quickly. Just give the reigns to Mike Glennon already.

Next Game: New Orleans -3.5 at Tampa 

26. Pittsburgh Steelers (0-1 SU and ATS)
It’s about time we recognize that this team is not heading in the right direction. No running game, no real passing threats and a defence that just lost to Jake Locker and Chris Johnson. I really hope Le’Veon Bell is as good as advertised because he might be the only thing that helps restore any faith in Pittsburgh.

Next Game: Pittsburgh at Cincinnati -6.5

27. Carolina Panthers (0-1 SU and ATS)
That front-seven is one of the scariest in the league. Their starting lineup on offence is one of the least intimidating. I can't see a single defensive coordinator uttering the words "We gotta contain Brandon LaFell" without cracking up halfway through the sentence.

Next Game: Carolina -3.0 at Buffalo 

28. San Diego Chargers (0-1 SU and ATS)
Trent Dilfer and Phillip Rivers need to get a room. Seriously, bro.

Next Game: San Diego at Philadelphia 

29. Miami Dolphins (1-0 SU and ATS)
Mike Wallace was fuming mad that they won because he wasn’t a big part of the offence statistically, even though he was the main reason that guys like Brian Hartline were open all day. And now we know why Pittsburgh didn’t want him.

Next Game: Miami at Indianapolis -3.0 

30. Cleveland Browns (0-1 SU and ATS)
Jordan Cameron is sure getting a lot of praise this week after catching 9 passes for 108 yards, which I find strange for a player that has the most boring Wikipedia page I’ve ever bothered to visit. I can’t be the only one that didn’t know Cameron was in his third year as a pro.

Next Game: Cleveland at Baltimore -6.5 

31. Oakland Raiders (0-1 SU and ATS)
Betting against Oakland isn't as fun as it should be. I've tried to get oddsmakers to make odds on which games will get blacked out, but even then the Raiders games would always be -1000 on a weekly basis. Presenting the Jacksonville-Oakland Mega Matchup in Week 2 - a game only the truly degenerate can love!

Next Game: Jacksonville at Oakland -6.0

32. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1 SU and ATS)
They’re on pace to score 32 total points this entire season and they have the ugliest uniforms in all of sports! Can you feel the excitement?!

Next Game: Jacksonville at Oakland -6.0

1 comment
comment Post A Comment
TaZ_25 says:
09/15/13 10:57AM
lol. Thanks Stewart.

I'm glad you begin explaining that you're coming from LEFT FIELD and you added humor to the madness. Great!

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