Let me set the scene for you: A dimly lit room with a table in the center. There is one chair on the far side of the table, and four chairs on the near side. The lone chair on the far side is high-backed and plush, as are the left two chairs on the near side. All three of these chairs have enormous cigars burning in ash trays that are sitting on the table. The third chair is a nice, office quality chair…not the kind you would see in a cubicle, mind you, more corner office type. In front of this chair is large cowboy hat. You know, the ”ten gallon” type. The fourth chair is different from the rest. It is simply a metal folding chair and on the table in front of it is a lunch bucket, a hard hat and a cup of coffee. The interview begins as the man sitting on the far side of the table turns to face the group.
The Man: I would like to thank you all for coming. Motions from his right to left. Florida, Alabama..good to see you guys again.
Florida: Thanks. I had fun at your kid’s birthday party.
Alabama: Me too.
The Man: Yeah, that was fun wasn’t it? Anywho, Texas, it’s nice to see you here again as well.
Texas: Good to be back…although we should have been back sooner.
The Man, Florida, Alabama and Texas all get a good belly laugh.
The Man: Yeah, I understand you have a legitimate gripe but, hey, it’s your own conference’s fault. Aww, shoot, we didn’t come here to rehash the past and talk about my kids. Let’s move on. Alright, who do we have here? Shuffles papers. Umm…who did you say you were again?
Unidentified Man: I am Iowa, sir.
The Man: Ooooh yes…Iowa. Gettin’ any snow up there?
The Man, Florida, Alabama, Texas all get another belly laugh.
Iowa: Ummm…not usually in October.
The Man: Well I am sure it’s cold. Anywho, down to business. You have all been invited here to make the case that your team deserves to play in my game for the National Championship. How bout we just go around the room and you can lay it out for me. Florida, you go ahead and start. Why should you play in my game?
Florida: Tim Tebow.
The Man and Alabama nod in agreement.
Texas: Now hold on a cotton pickin’ minute here….
The Man: Texas, shush! You’ll get your turn. Now, Florida, is there any other reason you can think of?
Florida: Uhhh we won your game last year…duh.
The Man nods in agreement.
Alabama: Oh, Florida, here you go again. You were lucky to beat us last year.
Florida: Psssh. Alabama, you are always…..
Iowa: Do you think I could get a better chair? I mean, I have been working hard all day. I could use a nice cushioned chair.
The Man: Well, Iowa, to be honest we didn’t expect you to be here right now so we didn’t plan for this many people, but you understand, right?
Iowa: I gues….
The Man: Anywho. Now, Alabama, I don’t know if you can match the answers Florida gave, but you can sure try.
Alabama: We’re in the SEC.
Florida: Son of a….I was gonna say that.
The Man: Oooooh yes, yes. Good answer, good answer. In fact, Alabama, that was such a good answer that you don’t even need to bother supplying any further proof. That brings us to Texas.
Texas: Yee Haw!
The Man: Says here you play in that Big 12. Got a long horned cow of some sort runnin’ on the field.
Texas: Yessir, and a gun-slingin’ QB named Colt. Texas stands up and makes pistols out of his hands. Psshew! Psshew! Psshew!
The Man: That sounds great. I can’t wait to see that long horned cow.
Texas: Well, you can bet your sweet patootey you will cause Florida and Alabama can’t both play in your game…
Florida: Ummm…hello? Tim Tebow.
Alabama: Yeah…and didn’t you hear me say SEC?
Texas: Yeah, but one of you will knock the other one out and I will step right in.
Iowa: Hey, when do we get to me?
The Man: Looks at Florida and Alabama. Aww, shoot, listen to him. You know, Iowa, you have a nice resume, but you’re just missing somethin’.
Florida: Yeah.
Alabama: Yeah.
Texas: Yeah.
Iowa: Like what? I have played the toughest schedule of any of us, just compare the opponents winning percentages. Plus, I dominated Arizona and won at Penn State, Wisconsin, and Michigan State. The only team to EVER do that is Michigan in 1997 and they were the National Champions. I lead the nation in interceptions and turnover margin, and my QB is 16-3 as a starter. We have 3 wins against teams in YOUR current BCS Top 25, the rest of you combined only have 3 between you. We’ve defeated 6 teams with winning records, Florida only 2, Alabama 3 and Texas 4. We haven’t lost a football game in OVER a year, second longest streak in the nation. We pounded our Bowl game opponent by 3 touchdowns and they are in the SEC!
The Man: Well yes, but you play in the Big Ten, and that’s just….just…
Iowa: Let me guess, not the SEC?
Florida: Yeah.
Alabama: Yeah.
Texas: Yeah…wait?
Iowa: Texas, your conference is in shambles. Oklahoma is a M.A.S.H. unit, Oklahoma State lost to frickin’ Houston, and the best team in the North just got beat by Iowa State. Did you see what I did to Iowa State?
The Man: Iowa State? Never heard of em’. Look, Iowa, the point is we only invited you here as a courtesy. We let you in on our club, showed you how we do things, and now it’s time for you to go back up north and stay there for awhile, as in, don’t come back. The nation just doesn’t want you muckin’ things up. I mean, it’s a known fact that the good folks of this country like their football like they like their grits: Southern.
Iowa: Actually we don’t eat grits.
The Man, Florida, Alabama and Texas all get another huge belly laugh as Iowa gathers his lunch bucket and hard hat and heads for the door.
The Man: Oh, come on, Iowa. We were just havin’ some fun with ya.
Iowa: Raises middle finger. See one of you guys in Pasadena on January 7th.
The Man: Nope, not this year. Not if I have anything to say about it…and I do.
Iowa: Ok, well, just to let you know, I return 19 of my 22 starters next year, so…same time, same place?
The door slams behind Iowa as he walks down a deserted hallway. As he leaves, a chorus of laughter can be heard coming from the room. As the laughter subsides, Florida looks at The Man, Alabama and Texas and mood turns serious.
Florida: Ummm guys, I don’t think he was joking.