Life, Love, and Gambling

So I went to divorce court Wednesday, and a giddy bender followed. People keep telling me to wipe that sh!t eating grin off of my face, but they don't understand the pleasure in pondering all the things that change when one is freshly unwed...

Unless a lady friend is visiting, I no longer have to put the toilet seat down.
Dirty laundry can be tossed anywhere without objection, and may just stay put until the winter ground thaws.
More room in the refrigerator for beverages that really matter. Less milk, no apple juice, and loads of beer.
Neighbors? The guy down the hall could be the next Jeffrey Dahmer and I could care less. Previously, I had to engage in staged conversations like, "Wow, your lawn is looking great. How did it get so...green."
I no longer have to watch my daughter's favorite shows, Hannah Montana and I-Carly, for hours on end. This is a very good thing, because call me perverted if you like, but Miley Cyrus and Miranda Cosgrove will surely be spank material...once they are legal.
When the working day is done, I can do whatever the hell I like. I can swiftly lose the monkey suit, crack open a beer, and turn on ESPN. Or I could keep the monkey suit on and drive to the new strip club in Neoga, Illinois.
And perhaps the greatest advantage is being able to handicap and gamble without distractions like, "Take out the garbage," or "How do I broil steaks," or "Your daughter needs to learn how to color inside the lines."
I could go on and on,... [More]

Top Ten Things...

...I'd rather do than watch another NFL playoff blowout:

10. Go to the bowling alley and get fitshaced.

9. Go to a karaoke bar and sing nothing but heavy metal.

8. Visit the library and read Henry Miller's Tropic of Cancer out loud.

7. Play Mafia Wars on facebook, or that other game where you
    befriend zoo animals and then slaughter them with a machete.

6. Play darts...with a printed photo of Joe Buck for the bullseye.

5. Watch those vulgar YouTube dubs of Bill Mays' commercials.

4. Send only grotesque Twitter tweets like, "Picking my nose," or
    "Just removed the pubic hair that was clogging the shower drain."

3. Drink White Russians and watch The Big Lebowski on DVD.

2. Fill the ESPN blogosphere with incendiary remarks to each and
    every "expert" that hoodwinked everyone into believing these
    playoff games would be competitive.

1. Write a letter to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, urging him to
    find a way to guarantee competitive playoff football next year.
 

Life, Love, and Gambling

Soon to be single at 41, I'd like to believe that true romance isn't dead. I seriously doubt I'll ever marry again, but something stable and reliable would be nice someday. But if what I observed recently is any indication of the state of dating these days, I may as well stick to "friends with benefits" and one night stands.

The other morning I was rudely awakened by thunderous pounding on a door down the hallway of my apartment building. Every few seconds the knocking would stop and the guy would plead, "Come on, open up!"

Finally he shouted the most famous four letter word...and the door swiftly opened.

Everything was quiet for about a minute, as the woman, obviously embarrassed, spoke to her crazed boyfriend in a hushed voice.

And then, surprising as a strike of fierce lightning, the boyfriend lashed out in a voice that sounded exactly like former wrestler Randy "Macho Man" Savage, "You are a f---ing whore, and he is a dead man!" He then slapped the wall outside her door violently and began grunting. He had snapped...snapped "into a Slim Jim!" that is. I then heard him pace up and down the hall, stopping now and then to flex and grunt.

I feared for the woman's life, but a part of me sided with the psycho boyfriend. How did she expect him to react, fall apart and leave like some dejected lover in a Merchant and Ivory film? Plus, I could not help imagining that any intervention on my part would lead to a possibly fatal pile drive move fr... [More]

The College Try

Tonight's offerings are an escape from the big name schools, those that get the most media attention, much of it bluster and hype. Backing and betting on smaller schools can be fun as cheering for that hapless schmuck of a friend we all have.

We begin in the MAC, where the 8-4 Buffalo Bulls visit the 7-6 Bowling Green Falcons. The Bulls are fresh off a 73-55 home bashing of Miami-Ohio in which they shot 64% in the second half. The Bulls are far from a defensive team, allowing opponents 69.4 points per game. However, Bowling Green can't seem to find the net. The Falcons score a forgettable average of 56.4 points per game. Buffalo is 4-2 against the spread as visitors, and the favorite is 12-3 the last 15 meetings.

Buffalo Bulls -2.5

ESPN junkies should remember a little team from the Sun Belt Conference that Florida Gator fans would sooner forget -- the South Alabama Jaguars. On December 22nd, the visiting Jaguars beat the Gators 67-66. Tonight the 11-6 Jaguars visit the 6-11 Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks, a team they have beaten six straight times. Oddly, South Alabama has lost two straight home games, yet won their last four as the visiting squad.

South Alabama Jaguars -2

And now for tonight's teaser bet...

Four Team 5-Point Teaser
Eastern Illinois +14.5
Providence +1
Indiana +18
California +1

May all your college basketball bets be brick free, ladies and degenerates!
... [More]

The College Try

The only thing that would make tonight's slate of college basketball games even better is if Keeley Hazell, England's bodacious Page 3 babe and aspiring actress, were in my living room auditioning to play a cheerleader. "Lose the pom poms," I'd say. "They block the view of your perfect...teeth. Yes, your teeth," I would lie.

The Pittsburgh Panthers visit the UConn Huskies in what should be the most exciting game to watch this evening (ESPN2 at 6:00 p.m. CST). Connecticut is coming off a degrading loss to Georgetown in which they squandered a 15-point half time lead. Turnovers have been an issue for the Huskies, and now they face a crafty defense in Pittsburgh, currently holding opponents to an average of 58 points per game. The Panthers have won two of the last three meetings, and although UConn's big men outsize Pittsburgh, I expect Pitt to at least cover the point spread.

Pittsburgh Panthers +6.5

I rarely play totals, but tonight I love the Over in the matchup between visiting Wisconsin and Northwestern. The line total opened at 121.5, but most books now list a total of 123.5. The Wildcats have an Over record of 21-9-1 the last 31 home games, and the last two meetings between these teams went over the total. Northwestern's problem is a defense that nearly gives up 70 points per game. Although Wisconsin plays great team defense, holding opponents to an average of 50 points per game, this is their second game without 6-foot-10 forward Jon Leuer (wrist inj... [More]

The College Try

Tonight's first selection is dedicated to saucy actress, and University of Kentucky alumna, Ashley Judd. She frequently attends Wildcat basketball games, but she'll have to have Indy Car hubby Dario Franchitti motor to Florida to make tonight's meeting between the #2 Wildcats (16-0) and unranked Gators (11-4).

The line opened at -2.5 in favor of Kentucky, but heavy action on the Wildcats has driven the number as high as -4 at some sportsbooks. Kentucky is a mediocre 7-7 against the spread, but should find few problems with Florida, a team with an RPI of 82 that just lost on the road to Vanderbilt. Kentucky has great balance, averaging a mighty 85 points per game, while holding opponents to 61.6 points per contest. And the Wildcats have won every game by double digits, except versus Louisville (71-62), Georgia (76-68), UConn (64-61), and North Carolina (68-66).

Kentucky Wildcats -3.5

The #24 Baylor Bears (13-1) visit the hapless Colorado Buffaloes (9-6) this evening...and either this contest is a betting trap or easy treasure, like meeting a nympho on a bender in a bar. The Buffaloes do not play defense, and do not rebound well at all. They have a clownish RPI of 192, and just got hooked by the Longhorns 103-86. Conversely, the Bears have a respectable RPI of 38, average 83.8 points per game, and hold opponents to 61.4 points per game. Also, Baylor is 5-1 against the spread as a road team.

And, finally, what all the luscious ladies and daring dege... [More]

The College Try

College campuses across the nation welcome new students this week. This has nothing to do with gamblers betting on college sports. Except the reality that many athletes may be distracted by mammary glands and pink triangles.

Short notice might make you shy away from these plays but...

3-Team 5-Point Teaser
Villanova +8
Eastern Illinois +23
Louisiana Tech +2.5

Straight Up
Oklahoma State -1

Rock like Brett Favre on Vicadin!

The College Try

Nothing's more exciting or deflating than betting on a big, highly competitive game. Not that I have a heart condition or handle defeat as violently as Charlie Sheen handles his wife, Brooke, I just prefer exploiting weaker teams or lines that appear made by my three-year-old son.

However, my college basketball selections today both rank in the Top 25, yet face serious road challengers.

The #25 Temple Owls (12-3) visit the 12-1 Rhode Island Rams in a 12:00 Central Standard time tip-off. The Rams have won eight straight games, yet are only 1-8 against the spread playing at home. They average a hefty 76 points per game, but give up 70, including 79 to the Drexel Dragons and 84 to the Fairfield Stags. Conversely, the Temple Owls play stifling defense, holding opponents to an average of 58.8 points per game. The Owls also have a very respectable 6-1 ATS record as visitors. With regard to RPI, the Rams are #8...but the Owls are even better at #4.

Temple Owls +3

Later in the day, the #1 Kansas Jayhawks (14-0) visit the #15 Tennessee Volunteers (11-2). Tennessee is undefeated at home, but will be without four contributing players (Tyler Smith, Brian Williams, Cameron Tatum, and Melvin Goins) due to misdemeanor gun and drug charges. (Maybe they were just taking a new and more contemporary college elective called Thug Life 101.) Kansas has a stronger RPI (7), a better defense (60.4 points per game), and a startling edge in three point percentage (40.7 to 20... [More]

The College Try

What's worse, a stampede of angry Longhorn fans or a herd of red-faced Crimson Tide followers? I'll escape both with a play on the under (46), in what should be a close, low scoring, affair for the national championship. Alabama has allowed an average of 11 points per opponent, while Texas, with an undersized yet quick defensive squad, has only allowed 15 points per game. Texas had a tussle with Nebraska, winning 13-12, and I expect the same tough battle with Alabama. The Tide are a run first team, and the Longhorns defend the run well. Plus, although I am no entomologist, I expect more than a few butterflies to flutter tonight.

BCS Title Pick
Under 46 Points

From the turf to the hardwood...

Sometimes you find a line that makes you think the linesmakers were distracted by a Jenna Jameson film...or THEY know something you will never know. Regardless, I like the (11-3) Loyola-Chicago Ramblers to cover the spread when they visit the woeful (5-10) Cleveland State Vikings. The Ramblers had won seven straight until they faced the very talented Detroit Titans. Comparatively, Cleveland State had lost eight of nine until a road victory against Youngstown State. The Ramblers only allow 58.6 points per game, while the Vikings let pretty much everyone score -- 72.6 points per game.

Straight Up College B-Ball Play
Loyola-Chicago Ramblers +8

And now it's everyone's favorite time to waste money, The 5 Team 5-Point Teaser. Yes, I am 0-2 this year, b... [More]

The College Try

Bromance or freakish fanatacism, I've got a fever for Central Michigan QB Dan LeFevour! Tonight's GMAC Bowl between the Central Michigan Chippewas (11-2) and Troy Trojans (9-3) will be Dan the Man's final college football game. Some may find small school college football laughable, but LeFevour demands witness as a Chippewa one last time. In his college career he has thrown for over 12,000 yards and rushed for 2,500 -- both firsts for a Division I player. Effeminate voice and all, I love Florida's Tim Tebow too. However, LeFevour has actually thrown more touchdowns (148) than Tebow (141).

Bromance aside, I can't understand why the line on this game continues to lean in Troy's favor. The Trojans do not defend the pass well, and now Troy is missing senior defensive back Courtland Fuller. Conversely, Central Michigan played solid defense in the MAC, only allowing 17.2 points per game. The only similar opponent each team faced was Bowling Green. Troy lost as a visitor 31-14, but the Chippewas prevailed on the road 24-10.

Ultimately, I feel that LeFevour and a frenzied Chippewa squad will cover the spread with ease.

Central Michigan -2

Now friends and foes, it's time to turn to the college hardwood. My straight up play of the day does not tip off until 8:00 p.m. central standard time. You may not be familiar with the Northern Illinois Panthers, but I like their chances on the road tonight versus a weaker Southern Illinois team. UNI (12-1) has won ten st... [More]

The College Try

I'm no fan of Touchdown Jesus. In fact, I think Charlie Weiss needs to resign and work part time during the Christmas holiday season -- as a big fat shopping mall Santa Claus.

But this year's Notre Dame basketball team, I admire indubitably. They are 12-3 this season, and the most recent loss was to a little team called the Connecticut Huskies -- now ranked 13th in the nation.

Top scorer Luke Harangody is fawned over by fans and media, but senior point guard Tory Jackson is the key to Notre Dame's success. His assist-to-turnover ratio of 4.0, 80 assists to 20 turnovers in 15 games, puts him in the top five nationally. In high school he was a high-scoring threat, but now Jackson focuses on feeding Harangody, Hansbrough, and Nash the rock.

Tonight the Irish visit the 10-3 South Florida Bulls. College basketball is never played on paper. For example, the statistically disadvantaged Charleston Cougars upset then #9 North Carolina last night in overtime. Statistically Notre Dame edges the Bulls in points scored (86.6 to 63), three point percentage (47.1 to 29.1), and rebounding (36.8 to 31.8). South Florida does play outstanding defense, holding opponents to just over 60 points per game. But the Bulls have arguably not played the same level of competition as Notre Dame. For example, the Irish most recently lost to Connecticut 70-82 on the road, but beat Providence 93-78 at home. South Florida most recently faced the 10-4 Louisville Cardinals on the road..... [More]

Life, Love, and Gambling

I'm sick of people with their unrealistic, pretentious New Year's resolutions. They resolve to lose weight, stop smoking, start an exercise program, eat healthier, land a better job, or donate more to charity. These people rarely succeed, but then days before the next New Year they stupidly declare, "This is going to be the year I -- [Insert any unrealistic, pretentious New Year's resolution.]. And the cycle of stupidity goes on and on, year after year.

I prefer attainable New Year's resolutions. Smaller yet more interesting goals, such as the year I resolved to shout less over a lost bet. One year I simply used zen-like focus to drop the F-bomb less. Not only do I prefer reachable New Year's resolutions, but I always create a handful of goals...because I know that even faced with a simple resolution I may fail. For example, I am incapable of watching more than three chick flicks a year. I kept falling asleep, or I would laugh during the romantic scenes.

This year I plan to consume less Jagermeister. I love the stuff like a kid loves candy, but now middle aged, Jager has a horrible way of creeping up on me. The effect is miserable and embarrassing, like when a disgusting skank at the end of the bar flirts with you. I'll down a few shots of Jager, and then thirty minutes later everything becomes a Salvador Dali painting.

This year I will finally change my facebook avatar. My friends feel my current picture (Bryan John Levek) makes me look creepy, like an e... [More]