NBA Fantasy League Live Draft

I know, I know. Wrong location for NBA threads that have nothing to do with making money...but, b-ballers, I really want to fill up my ESPN NBA free fantasy league with Covers compadres -- degenerates and do-gooders.

Honestly, the only time I regularly played fantasy NBA was a few years ago, a rip-off Sporting News game where, for small amounts of money, one could buy trades. Buy enough trades, and maybe, just maybe, you would qualify for prizes and cash.

Thank God I discovered Internet sports wagering.

So let's have some NBA fantasy fun my Covers brothers and sisters. When it is always about money, our love of sports fades quicker than leaves from trees in fall.

Visit the fantasy sports basketball section at ESPN, and search for the free NBA fantasy league called "Barkley In Vegas."

The live draft is tonight at 10:00 p.m. Central Standard Time. If you have no idea WTF Central Standard Time is, right now my clocks say 7:39 p.m.

Happy betting, brothers and sisters!

Futbol Friday

Good afternoon, degenerate futbol fanatics! Here are some more mid day soccer plays you may want to tail -- or laugh heartily at and call me crazy. I have no time for write ups, for "the man" is keeping me busier than a Kardashian on a shopping spree.

Straight Wagers
Queens Park Rangers -117
Dusseldorf (Bundesliga 2) +125

Parlays
Go Ahead Eagles and FC Volendam (Dutch)) Over 2.5 (-153) and Belenenses and FC Porto (Portuguese) Over 2.5 (-166)

AND

FSV Frankfurt and Union Berlin (Bundesliga 2) Over 2.5 (-166) and VfB Stuttgart II and Werder Bremen II (Bundesliga 3) Over 2.5 (-142)

Good luck today, everyone! 

Mid Day Soccer Parlay

TSV 1860 Munich/Schalke 04 Over 2.5 (-153)

and

Napoli/AC Milan Over 2.5 (even)

*Win or lose, I must credit futbol betting fanatic bakemcbride. I have, however, examined both games myself -- and both "overs" look good as January Jones covered in baby oil. The Napoli/AC Milan total was originally 2 at my book, but has since risen to 2.5. (I hope this is a good omen, yet it could mean I get screwed by a 1-1 draw or a 2-nil victory.) Hopefully, AC Milan, 2-1 away winners against Chievo Verona on Sunday and 3-2 away winners versus Real Madrid, will continue to score -- and allow at least one opponent goal.

Good luck this afternoon, everyone!

Austin Powers

I picked up and started Miles Austin this week, so pardon me while I dance on the ESPN fantasy football grave of Dumpster Divers, who I am destroying 96-33 -- with Steve Smith and Lawrence Tynes waiting in the winning wings.

Granted upcoming Cowboy opponents will give Miles Austin heavier coverage, but imagine the openings that creates for the rest of the offense.

In other words, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "A".

Thank you Miles Austin, for your astounding powers!

The Ache In Aikman

Perhaps I am reading Troy's tone all wrong, but he sounds dejected...a bit downtrodden that the Cowboys beat the Falcons.

Cheer up Troy, you will have plenty of time before next Sunday to watch your "best of" DVD with Emmitt and the rest of your critical former Cowboy crew.

Hey Rupert, WTF!?

Fox (Midwest) must not give a damn about keeping viewers, because all afternoon every Ill-inoisan has been forced to watch a Bear beat down (45-10 with four minutes remaining) by the Bengals.

If not for the regional rules, which must have been invented by someone with an IQ of a slug, Midwestern folks could have enjoyed...

Dolphins 34
Saints 31

...at the start of the 4th quarter.

Or...

Cowboys 34
Falcons 21

...with 5:00 left in the 4th quarter.

Regional Coverage Is The Devil

As a Cowboy fan stuck in Central Illinois...

please, please, please, Fox, switch to the Cowboy game pronto!

Every flippin' week 2-4 NFL teams don't show up to play -- at all!

Why anyone, sharps or otherwise, were on the Bears is more insane than those who actually bet on McCain/Palin to win the last election.

So get smart, Fox, and give me Falcons/Cowboys!

The "F" Word

Favre

+

Fumbles

+

Forking Interceptions

=

Packers Backers F!*$ed!

Thanks, New York Midgets!

Way to go you non-competitive, inept, "powerhouse" NFC team.

How does homecoming feel thus far, Eli?

Sometimes it literally pays to drink the Kool-Aid, and I am an idiot for doubting the balance and power of the New Orleans Saints.

Everyone deserves a day off, except NFL players, who only really work one day of the week.

So cover the spread of my teaser (+10) in the second half, New York, or face my wrathful threads the rest of the day!

Such a Tease

Teasing and money usually involves a flirtatious waitress, too many drinks, and a naive knucklehead like me that tips way too generously. But thanks to football teasers, bettors can wager on multiple games on the same ticket without the "edge of your seat" effect common to NFL parlay bets.

So tease me, baby! Pour me another...and pour on the profit.

Today's 6-team 7-point NFL teaser:

Steelers -7
Giants +10
Chiefs +13.5
Jets -2.5
Patriots -2
Cardinals/Seahawks Over 39

Best of luck, everyone!

7-point Teaser Pleaser

I know. I know. Real men don't eat quiche, and real bettors don't play teasers. But I have a fondness for football teasers, for they often provide more pigskin profit than multiple straight bets or foolish parlays.

Here is a late afternoon 7-point teaser I think is terrific:

Arkansas +31
Houston -10
Penn State -10
Texas Tech +17.5
Notre Dame +17

Of course, even teased by 7 points, one or more of these teams could screw me over worse than a hooker with chipped teeth and crabs. *A NOTE TO CHARLIE: If your Golden Domers drop the cross on this one, there will be hell to pay -- loss of job, recruiting losses, an all-week tongue lashing by the media, etc., etc. The only thing that will remain the same, Charlie, is your fat arse!

Good luck this afternoon, ladies and degenerates!

Life, Love, and Gambling

We have an addition to the family. Not another kid, for although I love my children more than betting, booze, and Scarlett Johansson's boobs, it's like my cousin Kurt said during a particularly aggravating restaurant dinner with his wife and three-year-old son, "Why in the hell would anyone want to have more than one of these things!" I finally gave in to the gift my daughter has asked Santa Claus for the last two years -- a dog.

We named her Kali, after the Hindu goddess. Kali is the wife of Shiva, who is often kindly referred to as "the Destroyer." Today Kali is considered the goddess of time and change. Yet my research continually uncovered negative, darker connotations, calling Kali "benevolent" and "malevolent"..."a goddess of death and destruction, depicted as black, red-eyed, blood-stained, and wearing a necklace of skulls." I Googled images of Kali, and she is definitely one goddess I hope I never dream about, because it would be a heart-stopping nightmare! At any rate, even though we chose a name that may upset the Hindu gods and screw up our collective family karma, Kali is arguably the most badass name for a nine-week-old black Labrador bitch. (Pardon the curse word, but, honestly, she is a female dog.)

One article called the goddess Kali a "devourer of time," but thus far all this puppy gnaws on are shoes, clothes, toys, paper, and my favorite, wires. Only a week ago she chewed through a pricey flat-style Ethernet cord -- while I was surfing the Inte... [More]