The Payback 5-Point Teaser

Santa Vegas is one fiendish fellow, for I am 0-3 on the day!

Hopefully the following 5-point college basketball teaser will put a Jack Frost freeze on my losing streak:

5-Point NCAAB Teaser
Saint Mary's -2.5
UNLV -0.5
USC/UNLV Over 118.5

MC Bet Busts A Christmas Rhyme

Merry Christmas, jolly degenerate bettors!

Santa maxed my credit cards, so now I gotta make cheddar.

I like the Magic (-5) in the NBA,

and I bet on two horses for my college plays:

SMU Mustangs +6.5

Western Michigan Broncos -3.5

Life, Love, and Gambling

With Christmas just one day away, I thought I'd share a few of the worst gifts I have ever received.

Everyone has been the unfortunate recipient of a horribly ugly piece of clothing. When I was a boy, my grandmother gave me the most hideous sweater in the long history of sweaters. The base color was brown, but some insane designer thought it would be a good idea to weave flecks of bright colors, every color in a box of Crayolas, into the fabric. The result was a sweater that instantly reminded me of the time our Weimaraner ate an entire box of crayons. The most colorful dog crap ever!

Stocking stuffers are usually stupendous -- filled with favorite candy, maybe a CD, or even a paperback book. But in junior high, Santa Claus gave me a stocking stuffer that would humiliate and haunt me the entire school year. The first day after Christmas break, I happily splashed on the Old Spice cologne after showering. I was a young man now, no longer a boy. But as I proudly walked the halls of Parkside Junior High that day, I distinctly heard - over and over - whispers of, "I smell an old man," and "I think my grandfather is here." And the confinement of the classroom was much worse. I slumped in me seat like a typical punk, but there was no escaping the odor of Old Spice.

Yet even more embarrassing was a gift I received my sophomore year of high school. Again the gift was given by my grandmother, the one on my Dad's side of the family. I recall feeling incredibly intri... [More]

Life, Love, and Gambling

A writer is usually gifted at reading people in order to create characters. However, please help me everyone, for I am truly stumped by the general populous as of late.

I believe I mentioned to Covers readers that I am going through a divorce. But by the reaction of nearly everyone I talk to, one would think I had terminal cancer, clinical depression, or that the family dog had just died. People make these horrible faces full of sorrow, like the first time they see a tragic news story on a cable news program. I want so bad to shake them and say, "Get a grip. This isn't 9/11, it's just the end of my marriage."

And we all know that every end is really a new beginning. A new chapter in one's life. So instead, of sorrowful, sad-sack faces, just once I'd like someone to react by jubilantly exclaiming, "Touchdown!" or "Back, back, way back. It's a home run!" or even "Gggggooooaaaallll!" like one of those whacked out soccer announcers. I want people to smile and tell me everything is going to be fine. To support and reassure, not shed a tear on my shoes.

Maybe people have just watched too much reality television or soap operas, and so they expect that my wife and I are divorcing over some dalliance or dramatic event -- like the time on Cops a guy was hit over the head with a ceramic dog bowl in a fight with his spouse. Yet it's nothing like that at all. About two years ago, I came to the awful realization that I did not love my wife anymore. I lived with that aw... [More]

Life, Love, and Gambling

Salvation. To be saved. To walk into the welcoming arms of your favorite Playboy bunny, cry a little, and then grope.

The other day, as I strolled away from Wal Mart with hundreds of dollars of meaningless junk, I heard the familiar holiday ring of salvation, and so I paid heed.

My God. The Salvation Army needs to be saved! Standing before me was the most ruthless, toothless, sad son of a biscuit I had seen in a very long time. I honestly think the Salvation Army conducted interviews beneath underpasses and the lowliest alleys in my town. I didn't dare reach for my wallet for fear that this guy was going to rob me.

Image is everything, just ask Tiger Woods. So if the Salvation Army wants to keep saving people, they need to focus on beauty. I want Megan Fox ringing the Salvation Army bell. I want Tom Brady telling me to have a Merry Christmas. Nobody wants to give a dollar to a guy who is going to blow it on Boone's Farm wine.

Happy holidays, ladies and degenerates!

Here is my Saturday card:

The Greatest Dallas Cowboys 7 Point Teaser Ever
Cowboys +14.5
Over 46.5

College Football
Central Florida +120

College Basketball
Mississippi State -3.5

Life, Love, and Gambling

Happy holidays, readers! Sorry for the delay, but Mrs. Claus had my nuts in a cracker. Truth be told, I'm going through a divorce. In general, from day to day this is like Charles Barkley slapping Michael Jordan. No, this is like the Tiger Woods story...on very good acid. What I am trying to say is that I am an emotional wreck, so please sympathize. Here are my picks:

Parlay
Colts and Over 43

College Basketball
Auburn +9.5

NHL Parlay
Sharks
Flames
Red Wings

Merry Christmas ladies and degenerates! (And remember, giving is better than receiving, especially when children are involved.)

My 2nd Half Two Cents

Packers +0.5 (-120)

and

Under 20

The Ravens offense couldn't even score against the Ravens cheerleaders tonight. And if the Ravens can't score, the Packers have no need to push the points issue.

Good luck, compadres!