The Nike Puppet Ad I'd Love To See

[BLACK SCREEN]

["ABRACADABRA" BY THE STEVE MILLER BAND BEGINS]

[NIKE LOGO IN MAGIC BLUE APPEARS]

[LONG INTERIOR SHOT OF AMWAY ARENA, GAME 6]

[CLOSE UP OF LEBRON JAMES]

Lebron does his chalk ritual, but as the powder falls he must rub his eyes repeatedly. He sneezes twice before joining his team mates.

[MEDIUM SHOT OF RAFER ALSTON HITTING A THREE]

[MEDIUM SHOT OF HEDO TURKOGLU HITTING A THREE]

[SLOW MOTION CLOSE UP OF A DWIGHT HOWARD DUNK]

[SCOREBOARD CLOSE UP, END OF GAME]

[LONG SHOT OF JUBILANT MAGIC PLAYERS]

[MUSIC FADES]

[CLOSE UP OF LEBRON JAMES]

Lebron, dejected, hangs his head. He refuses to shake hands with Magic players and coaches. He says something to ESPN's Rachel Nichols, playfully slaps her on the ass, and enters the locker room. He avoids the media altogether. He leaves the arena with headphones on and heads to the bus.

[MEDIUM SHOT OF LEBRON JAMES SEATED BY THE DEVIL]

Lucifer: So Lebron, you want to be a billionaire?

Lebron: (chuckles) Hell, yeah.

[FADE TO BLACK]

[THE NIKE LOGO APPEARS IN BLOOD RED]

 

 

Sun Dancers Wanted

I urgently request that everyone attending the Rays vs Indians game at Progressive Field in Cleveland, Ohio bust into a Sun dance.

And it would be extra cool if, just like the TV camera guy that gives us close ups of the hottest chicks in the park, some dude sends camera phone pictures of the most volcanic Sun dancers straight to Twitter.

(Conversely, it would be much less cool, but sadly more likely, if some dork uploaded a picture of his drunken, overweight friend - shirtless, man boobs in full jiggle - to Twitter.)

Let's dance, Cleveland fans!

Cubs Fanhood Auction

I'm done.

I'm sick of losing. I'm sick of waiting to win.

Cubs management could care less, and the players care even less.

So I am selling my Chicago Cubs fanhood on e-Bay. The starting amount is $0.99, and the lucky winner gets the following goodies:

• Logo Athletic Cubs cap

• 2006 Topps sealed Cubs team

• Jagermeister cap

*Search "Chicago Cubs fanhood" to find the listing, which includes a good picture of the merchandise.

Sausage and Cheese with My Whine

My Sunday Night Baseball play is...

Brewers +128

And here's the deal:

I'm so sick of the unbearable Chicago Cubs, that if Milwaukee wins tonight I will officially sell my Chicago Cubs fanhood (complete with a few Cubs items) on e-Bay and become a Brewers fan.

I'm serious as a heart attack is to a fat man. I'll even give Covers readers e-Bay updates.

The first pitch is only minutes away, so I have no time for supporting stats and pro-Brewer blather. Suffice to say, I like Bush!

 

Turd Sucking Team or Athlete Of The Day

Yes, I know this thread is juvenile as burning ants with a magnifying glass...but the catharsis feels so good!

Toronto Blow Jays
As part of an MLB parlay, all I needed the Blow Chunks to do was not lose by +1.5 runs. Everything was kosher until the 7th inning, when the ass clown "relief" duo of Camp and Frasor gave up 7 runs!

Please nominate your very own TSTOA. Because it's better to vent over betting losses this way, than to drink to a stupor, smash another remote, or *yell at loved ones.

*Yelling at the family cat is always acceptable, for cats could really care less. A cats affection is just great acting.

Happy Feet: UEFA Cup Final

One of my favorite Kinks tunes is the joyful, rollicking "Everybody's Gonna Be Happy." So if my UEFA Cup Final picks come through, I'll be sure to play that Kinks track at stun volume and dance like the penguin hero from Happy Feet.

Ukrainian squad Shakhtar Donetsk take on Germany's Werder Bremen at 1:30 CST for the UEFA Cup final. The match takes place in Istanbul (*not Constantinople) at Sukru Saracoglu Stadium, and will be televised by FSC (Fox Channel Channel) and also via the Web on FoxSoccer.tv

Shakhtar's coach, Mircea Lucesco, expects the meeting will display two divergent forms of futbol: "Bremen is the attacking team with very good physique and a lot of really good athletes on their team," Lucescu said. "And as for Shakhtar Donetsk, the style is based on the good technique of the players and, naturally owing to our specific qualities, they will try to exercise control over the progress of the game" (Associated Press). Lucesco should feel quite comfortable in his surroundings today, for he previously performed quite well as coach of Istanbul's Galatasaray and Besiktas. Interestingly enough, however, he has only been victorious once at the Istanbul stadium.

The youthful Shakhtar squad will be without midfielder Tomas Huebschman due to suspension, but the only player who may sit from injury is free kick specialist Jadson. Werder Bremen, however, take the pitch in a more troubling state, for Brazilian soccer superstar Diego is banned for the mee... [More]

NBA Referee Justice

Whether you had funds wagered on the event or not, if you witnessed the closing seconds of the Nuggets/Mavericks game it is hard to argue that the referee nearest the last play made a mistake.  A personal foul should have been called. The result should have been a tie game or a slim Mavericks victory.

What penalty should the NBA give the ref?

And, purely for fun, if you could torture said referee, what would you do?

Odds Mark Cuban is fined by Monday...

...100%!

Perhaps it is fitting that a rich man gets robbed, but that ref should have called a foul.

Where is Reggina today?

Talk about not showing up to play...

Did every Reggina footballer go to the same party last night?

Pitch Pondering at the Half

Once I noticed Manchester United hit -120 on my online sportsbook, I played the Over 2.5 (+100). With Man U up 2-nil at the half, what are the chances of at least one goal the final 45+ minutes?

Will Arsenal at least show up for the second half? I'm not saying they would intentionally give up, but an 0-3 aggregate may require a gift from the soccer gods.