Andy Roddick's Problem

Watching the Rodster lose yesterday, I came up with a theory to explain his poor performance...

The Stupid White Izod Hat

Unless Andy signed some ill conceived marketing contract that states he must wear the stupid hat every time he steps foot on a tennis court, he must take it off!

I paid very close attention to Andy's hair during the post match press conference, and he does not need Rogain.

So why wear the hat?

Maybe he believes the stupid hat makes his ears look smaller, but, sorry Rodman, you are always going to have a little Dumbo going on.

How many current great tennis players wear hats anyway?

Lose the hat, Andy!  Or at least keep losing in a hat with more style, a Kangol, for example.

How To Keep Your Mind Off Your Money

Nearly every day I place a few online wagers of various unit amounts.  I've done this for almost three years.  My wife calls it yet another addiction, but I lovingly call it a hobby. 

I have always been slightly irritated by hobbies that make you wait for results.  One of my most memorable childhood Christmas gifts was a rock tumbler.  Who doesn't like polished rocks?  But then when my father told me the godforsaken gravel had to tumble for weeks to become beautiful...well, frankly, I was one pissed off youth.  I could add memories of Sea Monkeys, but I think you get the idea.  I was impatient as a child and I lack patience as an adult.

Waiting for a ticket to cash in or take your cash can be similarly bothersome.  My first year of online wagering the remote control may as well have been glued to my palm with my body roped to the computer chair.  I was obsessed with scores and cared very little about enjoying the sporting event. 

But as time marched on and my very own sports wagering dogma developed, I learned to lose the insanity.  It wasn't a powerful, moving epiphany.  It wasn't the voice of God whispering to me during the thirteenth time I'd watched a Coors Light commercial.  I simply realized that once a wager is placed everything else is out of the bettor's control.  And even though I'm impartial to superstition, I actually think I lost more bets when I actively viewed the ... [More]

Cure for the Russian Blues: B.C. Lions

Still seething after Russia (soccer) failed to score a single goal, I am playing B.C. at -3.

*The under may be worth a play as well.  The total opened at 55, but has recently dipped to 54 on the site I play.

Best of luck everyone, no matter what team or idiot athlete has you down.

Raking in the Rubles

I'm no expert on the Russian squad, but it doesn't take a soccer Zen master to notice that over the course of Euro 2008 the Russians have grown stronger while Spain's pitch prowess has weakened.

The return of Andrei Arshavin has been central to Russia's resurgence, and I expect another great performance today.  In addition, the Russian midfield should not be overlooked, especially given how sluggish Spain's midfield has played recently.  And even though any coach is only an educator and motivator, coach Guus Hiddink will again hoodwink the opposition.

As far as a play on the total, I'm going with the over, 2.5 goals at the time I placed my wager.  I highly doubt Spain will approach this match the same way they competed against Italy, which is to say I expect more speed and more attacking. 

Official Plays:

Russia 0 (+130)

Over 2.5 (+110)

No matter what side you are on today, enjoy yet another beautiful game!  And even if the Russians should come up short, we will always have the fabulous novels of Dostoevsky and Tolstoy, Russian models, the music of Regina Spektor, vodka, the White Russian cocktail, and everyone's favorite flirtation with death, Russian Roulette.

How I Learned to "Love" Commercials

Anyone who watches sports every day must accept countless commercial interruptions -- advertisements for beer, automobiles, food, etc.

Many times these commercial breaks are just what we need, for they give us a chance to use the restroom, check on the kids, or grab a snack.

But mostly these adverts are irritating.  The only worse interruption is a phone call from a telemarketer, collection agency, or the in-laws during a peak moment in the sporting event.

Thus I offer the following advertising game:

To begin, you must have two or more family members or friends of adult age.

Alcohol is optional but recommended.

The master of the home (or apartment) decides who will go first. 

Before the next commercial appears, the player simply declares "yes" or "no".

If "yes" the player consents to imaginary sex with the first living mammal on the screen.

If "no" the player either dodges an advert bullet...like the horse faced Planter's nuts fugly chick...or misses out on fantasy intercourse with models or, as Marilyn Manson puts it, the "beautiful people."

Enjoy!

From Russia With ... Gooaals!

Although my major Euro 2008 picks today are

Netherlands -1

and

Over 2.5 goals

...I also plunked down a few units on

Russia +0.5

The Delightful Turkish

I feel that Croatia underestimated the Turkish squad the entire match.

I was very sure the Turks would keep the game under the total, but I had no idea they would win.

Perhaps Croatia will focus on a little thing called "offense" the next time around.

Best of luck, Turkish squad!

Have You Groped A Commercial Today?

Like most of you, I love television but I hate commercials.

A few years ago, my friend, Chris, and I created an advertising game that actually makes you long for the next advert.

The rules are simple.  All TV viewers in the room agree upon an order of turns.  If "turn conflict" arises try the roll of a die or eenie-meenie-miny-mo.  Once the order is set, the first player must declare a "yes" or "no" to be used at the very next TV commercial.

What he or she is agreeing/disagreeing to is a molten sexual experience with the very first human being, male or female, to appear on the pitch

ESPN's Michelle Bonner is the Bomb

Now, now, before you go pulling the "fat" card on my thread...
think about how many times, beer goggles or not, you have felt attracted to a plus size woman.

Michelle is a competent, with a great attitude and smile.  (And no matter what sport coat the company picks out, the melons are begging to get out!)  Plus, she exudes just the right amount of innocence and naivety to break the "I'm on TV and you're not!" barrier.

I am a happily married man with two great kids, but if ever my wife should bite the bullet -- car accident, cancer, spontaneous combustion, or suicide over credit card debt -- I'm going to seduce Michelle Bonner.

Michelle, I love you.  (In an earthly, brotherly way, of course...until certain marital issues should change....Awww heck!  I'll bet that you are married...and I am married...so, uh, we can be swingers!  One important stipulation: You'll have to pay for my flights to Bristol.)

The Beautiful Game

Thanks to Euro 2008 I am now officially hooked on soccer. 

I love the emotion from the players and fans.  I love the lingo, the fancy footwork, the hundreds of headers.  I even love the lively announcers, some with accents so heavy I have to hit the rewind  on the DVR to figure out what was said. 

The beautiful game is the athletic equivalent of jazz music -- highs, lows, tempos fast and tempos slow.  And though it can be frustrating to see so many kicks miss the net, I laugh every time.  (The only thing more funny is when a Major League Baseball outfielder misjudges a fly ball and is plunked square on the head.)  So raise a hefty pint of your favorite beverage for the beautiful game today! 

Goooooooaaal!

Lakers

If the Lakers eek out a victory, will the outcome be believable.

- or make you further distrust an NBA tarnished by the Donaghy case?

Perhaps the lot of us who wager on games will always have a paranoid itch about the possibility of a sporting event being controlled by everyone besides the athletes, but given the dominating performance by the Celtics up to this game...a Laker victory tonight is arguably impossible without major series surprises.

A Message From Yoda

...Once upon a time, in an NBA finals game a long, long time ago...

Forget the fouls and the nauseous feeling you have.  Somehow, someway, the Lakers will get it done.  Too many parties will be hurt by a Lakers loss.  But...if the Celtics should win they might as well make a deal with General Mills "Lucky Charms" and any other interested clover happy freakish company. 

The bottom line is that if the Lakers lose Game 2 they will most likely lose the series...and smart bettors (and better than average sports fans) know that.

In other words, if the Lakers lose this game, the Celtics are basically guaranteed to wrap the finals up in 5 or 6 games.

The networks don't want to see that.

It may not happen tonight, but at some point the "magic" will take over.

Big Brown Name Change Thread

Cracked hoof or crackpot trainer, the horse needs a new name.  Here are some of my favorites:

Big Depression
Biggest Loser
Big Steaming Turd
Foregone Conclusion
Bag Of Wind
Dutrow's Demon
Hoof In Mouth

Unless you lost so much cash that you can't bear to laugh, have some fun and offer up a few names of your own.
 

Women Can't Cover ATS

Although I am a novice WNBA bettor, I am so sick of chick ballers not able to sustain or even build upon leads.  For example, today Connecticut was up by almost 20 points...but in the end did not cover the -10 spread.  And this sort of ATS BS has happened to me nearly all season with the WNBA.  I'm thinking of taking the Lynx -7 tonight...but may just lay off altogether...and focus more attention on the men, who seem to be able to cover ATS more often than not.  My wife, and millions and billions of women are able to become ball breakers in the blink of an eye, so why can't these hardwood honies seem to find the jugular?

Why in the Fukodome was Z pitching the 7th?

Nice job "Sweet (and sour) Lou"!

Isn't it the manager's job to put his team in the best position to WIN games?

Thanks, Thiago Alves!

From Sherdog Play by Play:

Round 2
Hughes gets hit with a huge knee as he shoots in at the sound of the bell. The knee opens up a large cut near Hughes' right eye. Alves explodes into a flying knee that grazes a falling Hughes. Alves pounces with punches until referee Herb Dean pulls off the Brazilian at 1:02 of the second. Replays show that Hughes' knee was injured after getting hit with the flying strike.

Dear Penguins: Win already!

Given that my wagers are ruined and the Pittsburgh team collective obviously cares more about winning than Detroit's camp, please win a.s.a.p.  I can not wait for decent game seven plays.  In other words, cash!

Penguins: Real Deal or Network Prostitute?

Nothing against the Penguins, but tonight's Red Wings no show conveys the possibility of a fishy fix designed to gain revenue for TV networks and other affected organizations. 

Conspiracy or sheer Penguins Power, I'm laying mucho dinero on the Red Wings if we get a game seven.