Life, Love, and Gambling

The blame for all losses tonight falls squarely on Spongebob Squarepants, The Wizards of Waverly Place, and Jonas.

Allow me to explain. The weather in Chucktown today is oddly overcast and cool, so my children have spent the majority of time playing inside...and watching television, DVDs, and favorite DVR programs they have seen over 100 times. Like many new parents in this area, we attended a series of pre-birth Sunday educational classes entitled "Oh, Baby!" (I think they really should have called the course, "Oh My F--ing God, I'm Missing NFL Football!".) One thing the class forgot to mention about life after having children is the very, very, very frequent loss of concentration.

My wife did take the children to the pool this afternoon, but as I predicted, the joy was rather limited by the conditions. Something about cool temperatures, wind, and cloud cover makes swimming about as fun as an ice bath.

So today my MLB research was interrupted by...
Spongebob Squarepants in the silly, sickening episode called "The Gift of Gum." It's Friend Day, and while Spongebob gives Patrick a nifty robot, Patrick gives Spongebob an enormous used ball of chewing gum. Laughter and puke, now that's what kids want from their cartoons!The Wizards of Waverly Place: Would Disney please stop finding and fostering such wise and beautiful talent. Not only does watching Selena Gomez make me feel like a creep, but I was almost moved to tears...because I wish I was twenty years... [More]

Sabine Lisicki Love Thread

I love the value in playing Sabine Lisicki (+180) over Dinara Safina, Tuesday morning (American time).

Perhaps the public dollars lean towards Dinara based on Sabine's poor first round play. However, she bounced back to beat French Open champion Svetlana Kuznetsova, and then Caroline Wozniacki.

She has a wicked serve, and, albeit brief, history on her side -- a three set victory over Safina in last year's Australian Open.


Cheers to Germany's Sabine Lisicki!

Life, Love, and Gambling

I went to church on Sunday with my wife and kids, and felt scared as hell.

To explain, we honestly had not been to the local Catholic church in about three years. (Damn that alarm clock for never working properly on Sundays.)

I entered the church shaking and sweaty...and it truthfully wasn't from the night before. I timidly dipped two fingers in the holy water, half expecting them to catch afire.

The entire service I had this paranoid feeling that nearly every regular parishioner was staring at me and my family. I even imagined they were whispering, "I thought they were dead." Or perhaps the much worse, "I thought they moved to Mattoon," which is a highly blue-collar community just 12 miles away. At any rate, I hadn't felt so freaked out since the first time I dropped acid.

Luckily, my children were almost complete angels. The only disturbing event occurred shortly after the homily; my daughter, imitating a character from one of her favorite TV shows, uttered, "Evil! Evil!"

Here are tonight's plays, and I pray that a few are winners:

Marlins RL +115

Mets +112 (1.5 units)

White Sox -115

Giants -132

Bonus Over/Under Parlay (1.5 units)
Rays/Blue Jays Over 8
Cubs/Pirates Under 8
Giants/Cardinals Over 7.5
Rockies/Dodgers Over 8.5

... [More]

betED Update

Earlier today I sent an e-mail to betED regarding the site outage.

Here is the e-mail response, verbatim:

Dear Bryan,

My name is Greg Johnson, Accounts Manager at betED.com

First and foremost, my sincere apologies for the website being temporarily unavailable. We are currently experiencing a serious issue with the main Internet Service Provider to our main site, as well as our primary and secondary redundant hosting facilities. An emergency crew is currently working on this and will have it resolved, ASAP.

I'd like to personally assure you that this is being handled with the utmost severity. I'd like to also assure you of the following;

1) Your money is safe. betED has been in business for over 10 years and is on incredibly solid financial footing. I can assure you, we are not closing. Your account information and funds are secure and will be accessible the instant the site is back up and running which, according to our techs, will be sometime today, very soon.
2) Any wagers that were made Sunday prior to the outage will be honored in full.
3) Steps are being taken to ensure that this issue never occurs again.
4) As a sign of our sincere apologies and customer appreciation, you will receive a FREE BONUS, credited to your player account. An email will be sent to you regarding this.

We value you as a customer Bryan and although this current outage is completely beyond ou... [More]

betED Is Bringing Me Down

betED has been down since about 6:30 CST, totally ruining late MLB plays on the Padres/Rangers and Yankees/Mets games.

betED is normally very reliable, with arguably the best customer service in the on-line industry.

However, as degenerate as it may sound, I really hope the site is back up soon enough to wager on the final WNBA game of the day.

Harry Caray's Sunday In-Game Thread

So, who wants to buy Harry a shot?

More Hip Hop Harry Caray

Hey, everybody, it's Harry again!
And today I like Chicago to win.

Just joking fans, I'm still sober.
For my first pick I'll drink to the over (9 runs, -125).

The winds blowing harder than Sasha Grey,
and one team's gonna get creamed today.

Even though they play like worthless schlubs,
I think the winner is the Chicago Cubs (-115).

Enjoy the game, Chicago fans! And don't forget...drink plenty of Budweiser!

(BELCH!)

Harry Caray's In-Game Thread

Live from the bowels of hell, it's Cubs baseball!

If you think it's hot and humid at the park today, everyone, you haven't been to hell yet.

The wind is blowing in from right field between 9 to 14 miles an hour.

Who cares. Another frosty Budweiser, you saucy succubus!

Harry Caray's Rap Attack

Holy cow, it's hot down here!
Bar wench get me another beer!

The Cubs and Sox are about to begin,
and I like the Pale Hose (-132) to get the win.

And a case of Bud says this game's going under (8.5/+105),
because the Cubs never hit for Ryan Dumpster.

I still love my Cubs, so don't hate my rap.
Just place your bets and get that cash!

Life, Love, and Gambling: Overnight Edition

It's officially Saturday in the Midwest, and I hope today's betting adventures fair better than Friday's frustrating mess. No thanks to the Florida Marlins bullpen, my only MLB victory was the Toronto Blue Jays.

My online book does not offer MLB lines this early, but here are my leans for the first baseball games of Saturday:

White Sox
Twins
Angels
Red Sox

Like many Wimbledon wagering whackos, the suspension of the Haas/Cilic match and the Seppi/Andreev match has halted the potential volley of funds into my sportsbook. *I have Haas and Seppi.

Here are my Saturday Wimbledon plays:

Stepanek +105 (1.5 units)
Davydenko +100 (1.5 units)
Stosur +110 (1.5 units)
Gonzalez -190 (2 units)

Best of luck, everyone! I am treating every Saturday winner as a knockout upper cut to Sean Hannity. This mega-conservative misguided a-hole might as well be a Decepticon. He simply has no soul.

Life, Love, and Gambling

The celebrities from my youth really need to stop dying. It's not that I was ever a huge fan of the King of Pop or Farah Fawcett, even though I once owned a cassette of Thriller, and a Farah t-shirt and poster. I just hate any reminder that I am growing old.

Plus, each death brought back specific memories: A friend from my teenage years, Jimmy Carter, actually had a red Michael Jackson jacket. And then I could not stop thinking about a Jaclyn Smith poster I used to have. (I was never infatuated with Farah the way my friends were.)

I truly feel "Bad" for the fans and family of the King of Pop. Likewise, I hope an "Angel" finally got her wings after so much suffering.

Now before Tito has to get me a tissue, here are tonight's picks:

Reds -107

Blue Jays +107

Giants +137 

Bonus Baseball Parlay (1.5 Units)
Yankees -170
Orioles -165
Red Sox -121
Marlins/Rays Under 8 (-115)

I hope everyone has a thrilling night of winning. I plan to bust a signature Michael Jackson dance move after every winning bet!

Life, Love, and Gambling

Chucktown, baby, Chucktown! I live in Charleston, Illinois, or as one guy from "Chicago" (suburbs) put it, "the sticks."

It is true that without Eastern Illinois University and alumnus turned Dallas Cowboy quarterback, Tony Romo, the town would be small and insignificant as any Midwestern rural community. (Sorry overweight crooner, Burl Ives, and Citizen Kane cinematographer, Greg Toland, but A) you are both dead and B) living NFL stars simply shine brighter.)

However, for those who like their summers to feel as if they are carelessly floating on their back in a swimming pool while listening to Jimmy Buffet...and smoking a joint rolled from the best pot ever...then Charleston, Illinois is the place for you.

If heaven has even one bar, I hope that Roc's Blackfront is God's choice. The joint has the best atmosphere of any bar/restaurant in the area, a startling variety of scotch, a bountiful choice of beers, and food so good that if I ever face lethal injection in prison my last meal is Roc's steak and ribs. Yesterday I drank a few Bombay Sapphire gin and tonics, and then ordered a marinated steak kabob. I savored the last bite because I didn't want to leave. Owner Mike Knoop needs to adopt me.

*For more information see www.rocsblackfront.com And if you ever visit this fine Charleston, Illinois establishment, tell them Breadbasket sent you!

And now, tonight's wagers, each at 2 units:

Red Sox -126

Orioles/Marlins Over 9 -120[More]

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Life, Love, and Gambling

Yesterday I realized I say "dude" way too much. I fear that my mind has never left the 1980s. And I liked the '80s as much as a porn star enjoys an AIDS test.

Unless I am yelling at my kids, wife, cat, or an ant on the floor, I'm an easy going guy. Seriously, it's been over a year since I smashed a remote control over a sporting event. However, my personality is nearly the polar opposite of the stereotypical surfer, environmentalist, vegan, and peacemaker. I'm the last barbecue disc jockey to play the Grateful Dead, Phish, and Jack Johnson.

Yet I can't stop using the laid back expression, "Dude,...":

"Dude, stop hitting your sister," I say to my son.
"Dude, what do you want for breakfast?" I ask my daughter.
"No, dude, Chuck isn't here. He died last month," I tell the person who called the wrong number.

Maybe in a future life I live in California, surf, and sell weed.

Dude, here are my (2 unit) MLB plays for Wednesday night:

Tigers -120

Rockies +118

Pirates Run Line +155

Being an ex-Cub fan, it was hilarious to witness the Cubs falter in the closing frame last night. Detroit does have a suspect bullpen, but tonight's starter Rick Porcello (3-0 interleague, 1.48 NL ERA) should fair well against a lame Cubs battery (.234 vs RHP).

The Angels line has jumped from -124 to -140 on most online sportsbooks, but I still love Jason Marquis and the Rockies. One loss and the Colorado streak is over? The Rocki... [More]

Life, Love, and Gambling

So this week the marriage counselor acknowledged progress. He even said I was happy. However, he later added, "You don't love yourself."

Do all psychologists go to the same school as sportscasters? I mean, his analysis was original as a bologna sandwich. Plus, the last time I checked being unhappy was not against the law. And furthermore, I'd rather be a "glass half empty' person, for that way it's like Christmas Day whenever good things happen.

I wanted to be a smart ass and tell the guy he was wrong. I wanted to make him squirm by saying, "You're wrong sir, I'm all about self gratification. In fact, I think I am a chronic masturbator." Instead, I played nice and assured him I wasn't going to leave this planet like Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, or Hunter S. Thompson anytime soon.

I may not "love" myself, but here are a few things I certifiably adore: Extra Dirty Bombay Sapphire martinis, Macanudo ascot cigars, and thick porterhouse steaks.

Enjoy the following plays, no matter what state your psyche is in:

Rockies -127

Pirates -115

New York Liberty -110

Texas Longhorns +120

Good luck tonight, everyone! And remember to love yourself.

These Bud's and bets are for you, Harry!

Somewhere in the great beyond, a rotund, jolly, verbally inept, and quite wasted legendary sportscaster is laughing at me while simultaneously flipping me the bird.

Once again I lost money by betting against the Cubs.

Here are a few revenge plays, Harry. Face it, you ghostly bumbling idiot, the human race will see the rapture before your beloved Chicago Schlubs win a world series.

Oh, by the way, can we drink Budweiser in heaven?

Angels -157 (2 units)

No runs scored in the 1st inning. -130 (1.5 units)

Total runs in 4 1/2 innings: under 4 1/2. -135 (1.5 units)

 

Life, Love, and Gambling

The other day at the swimming pool I realized I could never be a lifeguard. For starters, I ogled the crowd like a lecherous fan camera operator working a major league baseball game. I soon knew what it might feel like to be Charles Bukowski, Vladimir Nabokov,...or Larry Flynt. And, to be honest, I'd be quite selective about who I saved: The bronzed Britney Spears look-a-like, yes. The bovine skank with the ghastly cold sore, no.

The love department today is reserved for fathers everywhere. My father may be so traditional that Ward Cleaver pales in comparison, but even today I still value his advice and moral bluster. Fathers make the fondest memories, like this classic: Dad once forced me to bite off and chew half a bar of soap for repeatedly using the expression, "Oh, God...". And what makes the memory even sweeter was that the soap was Irish Spring. Yet I learned my lesson, and soon moved onto curse words. Thanks, Dad, you arealways will be the greatest.

Now ladies and degenerates, today's action:

Blue Jays -127 (2 units)

Indians +140 (1.5 units)

Rangers -143 (2 units)

Mariners RL +130 (2 units)

I know many fans and bettors would love to begin a petition to officially change Toronto's name to the Blow Jays, but today's terrific starter, lefty Ricky Romero, should get the win....I expect to get a few WTF or LMFAO responses to my Cleveland pick, but the word is that Kerry "Balsa" Wood will not be losing the game.... [More]

Wrigley Weather Update

Current weather conditions in the Windy City are not looking favorable for this afternoon's Indians/Cubs game.

Visit www.cubworld.com for details. The URL address with a live web cam outside of Wrigley Field is http://www.cubworld.com/category/a_cubworld_cam/

I urge everyone, whether you are at work or home, to join me in a reverse rain dance. *All hot women are advised to lose their tops and bras, for tribal legend claims this distracts the rain gods, thus halting the deluge.

Bad New Books: Too much love for the Chicago Schlubs?

Holy cow! The Cubs are actually favored to scalp the Tribe today in a day game at Wrigley. (I must be asleep and dreaming. Oh, the horror, the horror!) How can books trust the Chicago Schlubs after one very lucky come-from-behind victory?

Faithful readers should recall that I officially quit my Cub fanhood a few weeks ago. Furthermore, like many day baseball bettors yesterday, I suffered not one, but two bad beats due to the butterfingered bullpen of the Chicago White Sox. Yes, I had the White Sox to win, and the under. To make matters worse, I had to watch the Cubs celebrate like they had just won the World Series they were supposed to win last year.

I guess you know where this article is heading....

Indians (+100) (2 units)

Cleveland starts strong lefty Cliff Lee today (1.09 WHIP and 1.96 ERA), while Chicago sends righty Rich Harden (1.17 WHIP and 4.00 ERA) to the mound. Cliff Lee has only faced the Cubs once: At home on June 20, 2006, he pitched into the seventh inning and got the 4-2 win. He is coming off arguably his best start of the season, a 3-0 gem where he kept the Cardinals hitless into the eighth inning. Provided Lee performs similarly at Wrigley today, he should get the victory. Over the last ten games, the Cubs are hitting a meek .208 against left handed pitching.

To be fair, (which, honestly, I hate), Rich Harden has also pitched well. He has struck out nine or more batters in three starts this season. In addition, ... [More]

ESPN's Linda Cohn, Boob Job?

Sorry, but I have to get this off my chest:

I think that ESPN's Linda Cohn has surgically enhanced her mammary glands.

I know, I know. I should be more interested in Wendi Nix, Erin Andrews, Molly Querim, or the very intelligible (and hot) NASCAR news anchors.

However, Linda isn't exactly fugly, and she has this honest spunk and pizazz that nearly every female sports reporter lacks.

Boob job or not, I wouldn't kick Linda Cohn out of bed for eating crackers...cookies...salad with Italian dressing...even baby back ribs drenched in barbecue sauce. 

Fish Love Water!

At this point, the Fish/Sawx game is over two hours into rain delay.

The ESPN News anchor just noted that the weather in Boston...will not get any better anytime soon.

I can't wait to see how my online sportsbook deals with my Florida +200 wager.

Life, Love, and Gambling

Life: My three-year-old woke up with a boner, and, honestly, it was the coolest (and funniest) thing I've witnessed...since my five-year-old daughter threw a tantrum full of F-bombs. Forget Comedy Central, I have children.

Love: If I could be any Transformer, I'd be Megan Fox. What, she plays a human? And the toy does not transform into a blow up sex doll? Rats. At any rate, I'm psyched about the movie. This week I'm also raving about the following bands/musical maestros: The Airborne Toxic Event, Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, and Diplo's amazing booty shaking track, "Must Be A Devil."

Gambling: I can't buy all the Brandon Backe (Astros) love, even though the Ranger juice has dipped at least ten points on most off-shore sites. The Mets play, risky as it is, is from the gut. And my real big mutt of the night is the Marlins: At +200, these fish could be the catch of the day.

Texas Run Line (-1.5) (2 units)
Mets +104 (1.5 units)
Marlins +200 (1.5 units)

Bonus Parlay (1.5 units)
Marlins/Red Sox Under 9.5 (-115)
Diamondbacks (-146)
Dodgers (-145)

Good luck, Covers brothers and sisters!

Pitch Perfect with MC Bet

Confed Cup is my kick today,
the first match is Brazil vs the USA.

Kaka is a name that makes me laugh,
but Brazil's no joke, the team is phat!

I can't wait for the first pass on the pitch.
Get ready, as Brazil makes USA their !@tch!

Brazil -1.5 (+100), 2 units

and

Over 2.5 goals (-170), 3 units

Life, Love, and Gambling

Have you ever wanted to punch your marriage counselor in the face? It crossed my mind yesterday, but 1) The guy had to be over 70 years old., 2) The meeting took place in the Catholic church of our marriage., and 3) I knew if I clocked this Bob Hope-on-death's-doorstep look-a-like I'd spend much more time in jail than Donte Stallworth.

At my age, I hate being told what to do. Whether the order comes down from my boss, my parents, or any number of degree worthy "experts," the advice/mandate always burns. Whatever happened to "I'm OK, you're OK."

With regard to gambling, this elderly (pale, blotchy, smarmy) sage repeated, like Obi Wan Kenobi he sounded, "You can't win. You can't win." (Of course, rampant church bingo for cash was acceptable, as the proceeds always got back to the church.) I wish I had brought a few winning tickets with me, even of the parlay variety, but he probably would have dismissed the devilish winnings as "lucky." (I imagined he would view scratch off lottery ticket winners as "lucky," and lottery Powerball winners as "very lucky.")

At this moment, I'm still married. But I still wish I could have given the Oracle of Ethics a strong right hook.

Wednesday's Plays
Twins Run Line (-1.5) (-105) 2 units
Astros ML (+123) 2 units
Diamondbacks (+145) 1.5 units
Nationals (+180) 1.5 units
D.C. United (*MLS soccer) +0.5 (-145) 2 units

Best of luck tonight, everyone! And remember, even gambling degenerates deserve... [More]

"...one Giant step for all betting kind."

If you have moonlight, howl.

And quickly play these picks:

Giants +110

and

Over 8.5 (-110)

Who says NASCAR isn't educational?

Besides teaching young children left from right, today's NASCAR race taught all of us that although gas prices are rising nationally once again, always make sure you have enough fuel to make your destination.

Bettor Late Than Never

The early bird nearly always gets the best line, but that never guarantees the winning side.

My plays today start in the NBA:

Lakers +100 (1.5 units)
Under 200 -110 (2 units)

And now for my MLB picks:

Rays -146 (2 units)
Phillies -110 (2 units)
Blue Jays  +142 (1.5 units)

May Lady Luck be with you tonight!

Life, Love, and Gambling

Greetings, glorious degenerate gamblers!

This week I am celebrating my son's birthday (June 8, three years), my birthday (June 13, age unknown), and my wedding anniversary (June 13, six...very long...years). *Note to everyone brave enough to get married: Do not get married on your birthday!

Even though this week is marked by good old-fashioned family love and adoration, here are a few other items I am currently in love with:
Sonic Youth's new record, The Eternal -- best work since Dirty.
The Airborne Toxic Event
The Eels, Hombre Lobo
The Hangover...even though I am not seeing it until later this week.
Sasha Grey: Gentlemen, this brainy porn star has bigger cajones than most guys. And now she is acting in mainstream cinema (*catch her leading role in The Girlfriend Experience).

Here are tonight's plays:
Tigers -140 (2 units)
Indians -145 (2 units)
Red Sox -120 (1.5 units)
Cubs -115 (1.5 units)
Mystics/Shock Under 149

Good luck, everyone!

Coffee Breaks in Seattle?

Why is the Mariner vs Twinkie game taking so long?

It's not my Internet connection.

Is it Starbucks day with a mandatory (free) coffee break between innings?

Are the pitchers contemplating the meaning of life?

Are the batters stepping outside the box to adjust their jock straps and/or scan the fans for bulging mammary glands?

I have the Twins as part of a parlay, and I don't want to wait until I turn 50 for the result.

Can't the umpires speed these NyQuil swigging nimrods up? 

Cubs Fanhood Auction Update...and MLB Picks

The E-bay auction of my Chicago Cubs fanhood is over...without a sale!  Now I am extra pissed at the Cubs, because in addition to all the emotional support I've given the team over the years I now have to support the sorry bums monetarily (Paypal bill) -- albeit for less than a cold Budweiser at Wrigley Field. (And I was certain the Jaegermeister cap was the home run of the sale.)

E-bay auction aside, I'm serious about quitting the Cubs. I'm serious as Cary Elwes in the original Saw movie -- dude sawed his own appendage off.

Now I begin the search for a new baseball team to root for. My father loves the Yankees because his father loved the Yankees. But I feel that rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for Darth Vader and the Empire. Or like cheering for the filthy rich instead of the worthy poor. My grandfather was such a die hard Cardinals fan that he listened to the radio broadcast and the TV sound...from an audio earbud that stretched from the television to his armchair. But he wasn't exactly the greatest role model: He smoked at least a pack of cigarettes a day, and almost always had a can of Old Milwaukee, a tumbler of Jim Beam, or both in hand. He was a skilled carpenter, but he wasn't very talkative. From a child's perspective, he was like an elderly Jesus, minus the teaching and with a drinking problem. However, as a resident of Charleston, Illinois, at least if I cheer for the Cardinals I'll fit right in.

Please contact me if your are inte... [More]