Brett, The Beatles, and the $20 Million Bribe

Say you don't need no diamond ring and I'll be satisfied
Tell me that you want the kind of thing that money just can't buy
I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love
Can't buy me love, love
Can't buy me love

In arguably one of the most recognized Beatles songs, the narrator pleads with a love interest to forget about money and material items, for money can't purchase the happiness of true love.

WTMJ television in Milwaukee has reported that the Packers offered Brett Favre $20 million dollars over several years to stay retired from the National Football League. 

The deal is as absurd as if Donald Trump were offered millions to retire from real estate...or Jack Nicholson from acting.

Beyond his wife and family, Brett Favre loves the game of football.  And he loves football like an innocent child in the sandlot, not like a seasoned NFL player obsessed with making a competitive salary.  Imagine being a fly on the wall at the Favre residence when Packers team president Mark Murphy offered up the 20 million dollar "bribe":

Mark: We understand that you would like to be released from the team.  We also understand that you do not appear receptive to trade offers to either the New York Jets or Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  But Brett, everyone has a price.  We understand that your family...and your relatives...and your children's children...and even the third cousins of your children's children are ... [More]

The Cowardly Cheeseheads

According to the Dictionary.com definition, which is transposed from the Random House Unabridged Dictionary (2006), a coward is defined as, "a person who lacks courage in facing danger, difficulty, opposition, pain, etc. -- a timid or easily intimidated person."

If the NFL had a living dictionary of terms, it is a sure bet that alongside the definition of "coward" we would see a picture of Packers GM Ted Thompson and Packers coach Mike McCarthy.

As I write this, former Green Bay quarterback, NFL icon, and future Hall of Fame candidate Brett Favre is only hours removed from faxing his letter of reinstatement to the NFL.  This action allows Favre to appear at training camp on Wednesday...with a perceived media circus usually reserved for celebrities such as Britney Spears or Amy Winehouse.

While a great many media personalities, NFL fans, and even devoted Cheeseheads are siding with the Packers, we must not forget that what Favre wants is very simple -- freedom from the Green Bay Packers to finish out his career with another talented, Super Bowl ready, NFL team.  Every man deserves the right to captain the ship called Legacy, but sadly it appears that performance, merit, and iconic status no longer apply -- even in the National Football League.

The Packers will not release Brett Favre...or trade him to any NFC North team, especially the already talented Minnesota Vikings. 

The Packers organization is behaving like children afra... [More]

Yo-Ho-Ho!: Favre To Captain The Buccaneers

At the present time I'm strictly working from my own theory....However, yesterday I sculpted a crystal ball out of a few pounds of Colby cheese, and the ghost of Coach Lombardi confirmed the trade.

I enjoy shouting "J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets!" whenever possible, but I can not envision Favre a Jet.  He lives in the South and plays in the Midwest.  Furthermore, a move to the jet set might cause Brett to have a Vicodin/Natural Light relapse.  And not only do I get the sense that Brett wants to stay in the NFC, in week four the Packers visit the Buccaneers!  Brett would love the chance to make the Packers organization walk the plank.

Plus, no offense to Chris Simms, but should a guy who loses internal organs after getting hit really be playing quarterback?  Perhaps the Buccaneers could make him the backup punter.

Packers training camp opens up on Sunday, and Favre has already made it known that he plans to attend.  Prone to drama and fantasy, I like to imagine Favre tossing his clip board to Coach, then giving his best homage to the film Dodgeball: "Pirate Brett has to go drain the sea monster," he gruffly declares.

Laugh at my theory all you want, but I bet Brett Favre starts the season at quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

And that's some serious booty if, like me, you literally bet on it.

A (Gambling) Man's Best Friend

Unless your online sportsbook offers overnight lines, laying a price (playing the favorite) can be...well, costly.  Like many of you, I have obligations that do not allow me to hawk over a keyboard and monitor 24/7 while I wait for the virtual ticket window to open up so I can feast on betting prey that, on paper, looks like a winner.  Hence time passes and then I find the MLB favorites I want to play with lines from -175 to -200 to astronomic puke inducing numbers.

And that's why a dog is a gambling man's best friend.

Now I am not advising anyone to blindly bet on the underdog of any event.  That's as foolish as feeding the family dog a Snicker's bar, which, I suppose, if done by a toddler...or an adult in a drunken state on New Year's Eve...is excusable.  A bettor should love and adore the dog, but he or she must do the homework and follow the line movement before finalizing any wager on said dog.

Also, once you have decided the underdog is the play, be a little conservative with your bankroll.  If I had a dollar for every time I read a Covers forum poster write something like, "Bet the mortgage on..." or "Empty your kid's college tuition fund..." I'd be so rich I wouldn't want to gamble.  Besides, some dogs are filthy mutts who fail you in the late innings (MLB) or the 4th quarter (football and basketball).

As a doggone good example, I'll use my MLB plays for tonight:

Padres -106

San Diego is 2-8 ove... [More]

As The Football Spirals

Like many wager happy weasels, I jumped at the chance to bet on the outcome of the Brett Favre drama.  Do not stay retired Brett, for at -250 my earnings will be weak as the loneliest hooker on the block.  I would recommend playing this media game long enough to delay your first start until after the season has begun.  And, of course, you must play for a team besides the Packers.  Follow my advice, and you will have helped me and throngs of avid sports bettors gain 10-15 times more than the original wager.  If you must play the first game of the season, make sure you are not wearing a uniform the color of fresh Colby cheese or moldy cheese.  In other words, embrace the dark side, Brett!

Kidding on pause, a well regarded sports writer and best selling author, Mitch Albom, recently stated, and I am paraphrasing here, that minus the Shakespearean friction of the fiasco, the logical decision for the Green Bay Packers is to allow Brett Favre to quarterback the team.  The Packers have a real shot at the Super Bowl, and Favre, who is coming off a great season, is arguably better than rookie Rodgers.  Yet the drama continues...

As the third act begins, I couldn't help but ponder the things I'd like to see Brett Favre do if he stays retired.  Because denied the love of his life, pro football, do you really think Brett will pass the time with family, friends, and an endless supply of money?

Brett Favre, Fox News Talking ... [More]

Of Vice and Men

If I had a dollar for every time my wife wife frowned about my gambling...I'd have even more cash to bet with.

I call my online sports wagering a "hobby," yet my wife has deemed it a "vice."  English 101: The connotation of "vice" is about as good and pure as Paris Hilton.

Even though gender equality has improved since the peak of feminism, American culture is still largely patriarchal.  Hence the focus, media or otherwise, seems to always be on men and male activities.

When one thinks of vices such as alcohol and drugs, it is a safe bet the image conjured is male.  Likewise for gambling.  It is nearly impossible to picture a woman betting sports regularly at a Vegas casino or daily using an online sportsbook.

Gender aside, who doesn't have a vice?

If someone goes to church three or more times a week, isn't that a vice?

If someone must consume at least three Big Mac value meals a week, isn't that a vice?

If an average of $100 is spent every month on craft materials, isn't that a vice?

The word "vice" is typically associated with fruitless activities, but unless the online wagering is left to your cat or dog the long term result is more profitable than nearly any investment -- especially in today's economy.

So the next time your wife or significant other makes you look at freshly developed photos or consume her latest casserole creation, rest easy knowing that at least your vice may turn a profi... [More]

The Morneau Tip

I want to personally thank anyone who suggested that Justin Morneau had a great chance of winning the Home Run Derby.  Thanks to you guys I passed on favorite (and eventual 28 HR first round participant) Josh Hamilton.  All hail the Mighty Morneau!

From Wager Busting Bum To All Star?

In Vegas or online, you know you're right.  You have applied every amateur sports handicapping rule around...or maybe you even paid for the pick...and you feel like the wagers are strong and true.  The second coming of Christ is more probable than losing these bets.

And then you lose the bets.

At first a lot of psychological pain is dispelled by the physical exertion of the arms and wrist in a common male ritual known as When I Get Pissed I Like To Throw S**t.

But then you become aware that, even though pro-sports culture emphasizes team, one single, solitary "professional" is responsible  for the failed bets.

And then you begin screaming that loser's name at the top of your lungs as you continue to throw items.  Luckily the cat is fleet enough to dodge a remote control.  The kids know you are crazy anyway, so they continue with their Lego toys.

The angst and exertion never brings the money back, but damn does it feel good.

Saturday, July 12
I believe the line opened between -170 or -180, and then "shazaam" it blimped beyond -200, so I felt coerced to take the Chicago Cubs run line.  I also added the under to a two team parlay.  I believe the under was 9.5 at the time.

Everything was cool until...the late game first pitch by reliever Carlos Marmol.  (Yes, the very same Carlos Marmol starting in place of Kerry Wood at tomorrow's All-Star Game.)  The "All-Star" was ev... [More]

From Wager Busting Bum To All Star?

In Vegas or online, you know you're right.  You have applied every amateur sports handicapping rule around...or maybe you even paid for the pick...and you feel like the wagers are strong and true.  The second coming of Christ is more probable than losing these bets.

And then you lose the bets.

At first a lot of psychological pain is dispelled by the physical exertion of the arms and wrist in a common male ritual known as When I Get Pissed I Like To Throw S**t.

But then you become aware that, even though pro-sports culture emphasizes team, one single, solitary "professional" is responsible  for the failed bets.

And then you begin screaming that loser's name at the top of your lungs as you continue to throw items.  Luckily the cat is fleet enough to dodge a remote control.  The kids know you are crazy anyway.

It never brings the money back, but damn does it feel good.

Saturday, July 12
I believe the line opened between -170 or -180, and then "shazaam" it blimped beyond -200, so I felt coerced to take the Chicago Cubs run line.  I also added the under to a two team parlay.  I believe the under was 9.5 at the time.

Everything was cool until...the late game first pitch by reliever Carlos Marmol.  (Yes, the very same Carlos Marmol starting in place of Kerry Wood at tomorrow's All-Star Game.)  The "All-Star" was eventually responsible for a rare Giants comeback that tied the game.  ... [More]

Bat Wars: Joba Gets a Chubby (ERA)

May the force be with all of us as we call it another fine day of sports wagering.

Tonight I like the Red Sox +147 and also a small play on the over 8.5 (-125).

I understand that Wakefield has been hit well and beaten soundly by the Yankees over the last two seasons, but Timmy has been pitching well...and, conversely, Joba is coming off a poor start to face the Red Sox for the first time.  The Evil Empire barely escaped last night, but this evening will be different.

I know that the umpire tonight favors the under, but something about the Sunday night game seems to always add a few runs to the affair.  The phenomenon called "I'm on TV!  I'm on TV!" appears to carry over to each team, especially the rookies and lesser known players, so each ball player is geeked to score.  Plus, the Red Sox bullpen ERA is over 8.00. 

Roger Reparations

Dear Mr. Federer,

Maybe I was fooled, hoodwinked, or hornswoggled by a deceptive combination of media adoration and the majesty of your raucous racket work, but fool or gambling degenerate I demand reparations should you lose to Nadal today.

I understand that a refund (whole or partial) on my wager would create a terrible precedent by which others could then easily pursue their losses.

So I propose that you either send me one of your nifty sweaters or autograph a few tennis balls.  Then I can sell the item(s) on eBay...or at my next garage sale.

And don't even try to weasel out of this by sending me an "autographed" picture, or, worse yet, a Gillette Fusion Power razor.  Everyone knows that athletes, celebrities, and politicians keep oodles of worthless photocopied autographed pictures for fan club members.  As for the razor, I already own one.  And every time I use it I wish I would have just bought disposables.

If you should win the match, bringing instant elation to the network, sports media, and gamblers everywhere, then forget I ever wrote this letter.  No need to go legal on me, since I'm sure you get crazier mail all the time.

Now go play your balls off!

Sincerely,

KingSerf

P.S. Say hello to Tiger.