Life, Love, and Gambling

Everything but the attractions was amusing and/or nauseating about this year's Coles County Fair. The following observations may seem familiar to you. Isn't it great to know that someone feels your pain.

After spending $75 in less than one hour, it occurred to me that the money wasted could have been used much more wisely. Both Holiday World and Six Flags have more dynamite attractions for the dollar. Or I could have deposited the money in the kids college fund, and then taken them to the library for an hour. And though it sounds uncouth, we could have gone to the bar. Roc's Blackfront has a bountiful salad bar for my wife, a variety of beer and liquor for me, and those wonderful adult arcade machines that provide endless amusement for children.
I used to think that the local Wal-Mart was the best place to witness the melting pot that is our great country. I was horribly wrong. Like most Midwestern fairs, the Coles County Fair does attract a greater number of - to be politically correct - financially challenged individuals. If these simple folk had the smarts to know how funny they looked and acted, they would all be rich and famous comedians. In other words, we would have thousands of Larry The Cable Guy(s). Yet, I spotted rich people, even though they looked a little lost and somewhat disgusted. I saw black people, and once again learned they might just be the loudest, most frank speaking race on the planet. And I met many Hispanics...who took my tickets as I ente... [More]

MC Bet's Matinee Mouth

Crack is whack, but Red Bull gives you wings.
I got more fly picks than the Steelers got rings.

I'm hyped as hell 'bout this afternoon card.
I feel the wins won't be too hard.

Yesterday was forgettable as John Stamos' career,
so today...I'm gonna kick the books in the rear!

MLB Matinee Plays

• The following picks are arranged in order of confidence. So if you really want to avoid feeling like a total degenerate idiot, you might want to fade the picks nearest the bottom.

Cubs -1.5 (+100)

Mets -147

Two Team Totals Parlay
Nats/Brewers Over 8.5 (-120) and Astros/Cubs Over 9.5 (-120)

Orioles -1.5 (+130)

Athletics +1.5 (+145)


Peace. Love. Profit.

Word.

Life, Love, and Gambling

I think my old fart neighbor, Chuck, is bionic. Half old man. Half machine. He walks two miles before sunrise...and another two or three before the sun sets. He mows his lawn...and mine! Last week he felled a tree in his back yard, and then spent the rest of the afternoon sawing limbs. And Chuck doesn't hang out at McDonald's to drink coffee, reminesce, and wait for Death like every other elderly person in Charleston, Illinois. Instead, he grabs a Subway sandwich and motors away in his red truck. Altogether, he makes Shaft look like a sissy.

I knew he was a tough old bird from the get go. The day we moved in, Chuck shook my hand rather firmly and said, "My name is Chuck. My wife died last week." He did not appear to be in mourning at all. His tone was ho-hum, as if the tragic event was something trivial as fallen limbs after a thunderstorm. Pick the ugly stuff up and move on. That's the Chuck way.

Yesterday he gave me the stink eye from his patio with a steely gaze that was part Gran Torino Clint Eastwood part Terminator 2 -- with or without the phony human flesh. I almost wet my khaki shorts.

I've tried to be friendly. My wife even baked a couple of pies. Nothing works. It's probably the huge generational gap. But maybe, just maybe, Chuck, who is retired U.S. Air Force, is really an experimental cyborg. If I can ever catch him after dark, I plan to man up and look him square in the eyes. Who knows, I just might find the red glowing eyes of a cold yet p... [More]

Life, Love, and Gambling

You know times are tough when even chain restaurants are desperate for customers.

It seems the local Little Caesar's pizza has created a new position, perfect for any dimbulb or employee with severe Attention Deficit Disorder. I like to call this new position The Psycho Sidewalk Advert Person. It is the cheesy duty of the PSAP to 1) Wear a costume so shockingly idiotic that no passing driver dare ignore them. 2) Act like an alcoholic circus clown at the peak of a whiskey bender. 3) Strike "cool" rock star poses with a cardboard cutout Little Caesar's guitar. It is my sincerest fantasy to walk up to the PSAP of the day, steal his or her guitar, pretend to play like Pete Townsend of The Who, and then bash the cardboard instrument with maximum ferocity against the sidewalk.

Perhaps my fantasy seems cruel. Perhaps I needed anger management years ago. But before you judge me, please envision the near future of the PSAP:

Grimace or Hamburglar strutting up and down the sidewalk in front of McDonald's.Colonel Sanders waving an extra crispy drumstick at passing motorists.Taco Bell employees parading around the parking lot in a chihuahua costume.And don't forget the introduction of the Long John Silver's giant battered fish nugget costume, which, due to chicken nugget confusion, quickly changes to a disturbingly accurate giant cod costume.
Tonight's tasty MLB wagers contain a few honest selling points, but no foolish adverts.

Yankees -1.5 (+105)

A... [More]

Life, Love, and Gambling

It's Monday, a perfect day for an all-true strip club tale.

Our story begins on a mid-September evening a few years ago, in the town of Danville, Illinois. Everyone has a friend who, no matter what the original plans entailed, always has mischief on his or her mind. My friend in tomfoolery is Avontes, a hulking black man who most closely resembles Deebo from the movie Friday.

If you have never visited Danville, Illinois, consider yourself lucky. I don't mean to offend, but jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, Danville, Illinois is a real life version of a crappy city from any Grand Theft Auto video game. The town appeared desolate and dirty. The people I did see on the street were homeless, staggering drunks, gang members, hookers...or all four! We could not find one bar that made us feel comfortable, so by ten o' clock we found ourselves cruising around Dirty Danville in a black Escalade -- too lucid and downright depressed.

As always, Avontes had the cure.

The name of the strip club escapes me, but I believe it was a roadside joint in Lafayette, Indiana. After the hideous creatures I'd seen in Danville, I was fully prepared for a strip club full of skanks. Honestly, at that point in the evening I would have sat through a pole dance by a stripper with Elephant Man's Disease. But Avontes was quite familiar with the club, and assured me that the young ladies inside would not dissapoint...or induce vomiting.

And he was more than right. The place r... [More]

MC Bet's Phat Profit Picks

MC Bet is back in the house!
This is gangsta rap, not Allison Krauss.

You know the drill, you know the score.
I get more action than a Las Vegas whore.

It's time to get down and I don't mean boogie.
Online or in person gotta see your bookie.

I once killed a cook because my eggs was runny.
Now please call me Geico, for I am money!

For Chalk Eaters Only
Yankees +1.5 (-160)
Oakland starter Gio "Game Over" Gonzalez has a 9.33 ERA, and didn't even make it to the third inning in his last start. If the Yankees don't cover the run line, I'll drink a nasty shot of liquor (Three Wise Men?) my next night out.
File Under "P" for Phat Profits
Braves +113
Rays -104
Padres -105
I know that Braves starter Tommy Hanson had big trouble with the Brewers in the previous meeting, but since that game he has been good as Vince Vaughn in Swingers. Plus, the Braves are hot...and the Milwaukee bullpen is not! The Rays are 6-1 versus the Blue Jays this year. Today's Blue Jay junk thrower is Brian Tallet, 1-3 with a 7.06 ERA over his last six starts. The Padres trounced the hapless Nationals 6-2 last night. Today should mirror that result, because the Nats are sending J.D. Martin, who has the misfortune of an 11.25 ERA, to the mound. Mr. Martin's misfortune should make Padres bettors a fortune.
Matinee Parlay
Phillies -130 and Cubs -140

Canadian Football, Eh
Rough Riders -5

... [More]

Life, Love, and Gambling

Here's an idea to help put America back to work: Stop making getting a job so damn expensive! For every college teaching job I apply for I must provide official transcripts -- a cost between $5 and $10 each. Next, one's resume and cover letter must appear on special paper -- thicker, more decorative, and more expensive. And because image is everything, I can't exactly go to an interview wearing faded blue jeans and a South Park T-shirt. And I can't afford to dress like the men in Esquire fashion advertisements!

I am keeping all of my job search related receipts, for I know the expenses are tax deductible. But tax time is months away. By then my family might be living out of our Honda Accord and eating at soup kitchens.

I honestly think I have to get a part time service industry job...just so I can keep looking for a teaching job. Here I come, Wal-Mart! Hello, McDonald's! Hola, Taco Bell! Am I looking for a full time teaching job or living a Judd Apatow film?

And the puritanical, Sean Hannity loving, "Let go and let God," citizenry have the nerve to wonder why so many Americans drink, do drugs, and gamble. Because looking for a job should not be a quest for the Holy Grail.

Sorry, ladies and degenerates. I'll come down off my soap box to reveal tonight's picks:

MLB
Phillies -1.5 (-140)
Athletics +1.5 (+125)
Twins/Angels Over 8.5 (-110)

Canadian Football League
Alouettes -14 (-110)

Gold Cup Soccer
Mexico/Costa Ric... [More]

Life, Love, and Gambling

The combination of the sports world and the rabid, relentless sports media is great therapy. Nearly every single sports day, I find myself thinking, "My life sucks, but thank God I'm not [Insert any athlete, team, or sports celebrity that most recently suffered a soul crushing and/or humiliating moment.]."

This week I have inserted golf legend Tom Watson. All he had to do was sink a fairly routine putt on the very last hole of the British Open to capture the Claret Jug and become arguably the golf story of the year. Instead, he missed the putt miserably. He performed even worse in the playoff with Stewart Cink. With every televised close up of his tragic face, I could not stop thinking about how much he suddenly resembled sad sack character actor William H. Macy (Fargo, Boogie Nights, and The Cooler).

So when you don't get that job because the blonde bombshell gave a better interview, don't feel bad. Just say, "My life sucks, but thank God I'm not Tom Watson."

Speaking of blonde bombshells, ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews was the victim of a peep-hole pervert. The fuzzy nude footage, which shows Andrews getting ready in her hotel room, has actually been on the Internet for months. Only recently did ESPN's lawyers confirm the nude woman's identity as Erin Andrews. The threat of lawsuits have made the video virtually vanish from the Internet. However, both CBS and Fox News found it necessary to run the story, complete with still pictures from the video,... [More]

Life, Love, and Gambling

I rarely watch what I wager on -- very, very rarely. I'm superstitious. If I watch the event I have wagered on, I am sure to lose. If I start to watch the game because my wager is winning, a very large moose enters the picture and drops a turd on my bet.

Luckily, I have found many mostly entertaining ways to pass the time as my sportsbook bankroll profits or plummets:

Spending quality time with my wife and children, even if it means I am dragged to the mall...or some imaginary horror story my daughter has invented, where I must play the role of a vampire or a friendly zombie.I subscribe to Netflix, so I often watch a movie. I can even watch some films on my computer monitor. That way I can toggle back and forth between the movie and sports scores.As long as the kids are not behaving like zoo monkeys at feeding time, I love to read magazines or books. Sure the latest Playboy is tough to read with the kids around. However, that hasn't stopped me from reading some great contemporary literature, such as Hunter S. Thompson's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
MLB Matinee Plays
Braves -108
Angels -125
Orioles/White Sox Under 9 (+100)

Canadian Football League
1st Half: Alouettes -2 (-110)
Game: Alouettes -4 (-110)
Game: Over 57.5 (-110)

Have a beautiful betting day, everyone! *And remember, superstition is never a bad thing..., unless you refuse to change your winning underwear! 
... [More]

Life, Love, and Gambling

My college roommate, Joe, dressed exactly like The Fonz from the classic television show Happy Days. However, although Joe was a colorful cutup, often at the center of comic mischief, he was rarely as cool as Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli. To celebrate the end of another grueling work week, here is a bawdy moment from Joe's life.

Late one evening we decided to head to The Uptowner, a popular bar in downtown Charleston, Illinois. Drinks in hand, we meandered and mingled.

Surprisingly, this semi-attractive older woman aproached Joe. She had long dark hair and wore dark blue jeans with a matching denim jacket. She was thin, but not druggy thin.

She took a drag from her cigarette, exhaled, and then said, "I like your jacket."

"Thanks," Joe replied.

The woman then told an exhausting, curse word laden, story about her terrible day. A day that began with her cat waking her by sleeping on her face.

"That sounds like a great day, in my opinion," said Joe with a goofy grin.

"Why?" she asked.

"What's so bad about waking up with [insert a dirty word that rhymes with wussy] on your face." Joe began to laugh like a class clown in the fifth grade.

Had she a drink in her hand, I'm certain she would have tossed it in Joe's face. Instead, she stormed off into the pool room.

Most women love a sense of humor in a man, but sometimes it takes empathy to get laid. Joe never learned that, but it was just as well. He was terribly all... [More]

Life, Love, and Gambling

After he blasted the ball over my head and into the neighbor's yard, I cheered like an overly proud parent, clapping loudly even though no one else was around. My son had just hit a trio of home runs off the Fisher Price tee ball toy, so certainly he must be the next Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, or even Barry Bonds. "Is there a traveling tee ball league?" I asked myself. "I should upload this on YouTube," I thought. Then I called for my son. "Son," I began, "let's talk about steroids."

Nationals +100

The line has swayed a bit more in the Cubs favor this afternoon, but I still like Washington tonight. Cubs starter Rich Harden has really struggled over his last two starts, an 8-3 loss to the Cardinals and an 11-2 lashing by the Brewers. Tonight he faces a Nationals lineup hitting .310 against right handed pitching.

Phillies +105

Old man Moyer must like fish, because he has a 12-2 record with an ERA of 3.06 against the Marlins. Opposing pitcher Chris Volstad has been hot lately, but the Philly offense leads the NL in runs, home runs, and on-base-plus-slugging percentage.

Astros +128

I understand the Dodgers are scary good this year. I know tonight is Manny (Or is it "Amanda" now?) Ramirez' first night back playing at home. I know the sports media favors stories out of Los Angeles over Houston, Texas. However, the Houston Astros have been playing solid, balanced baseball lately. Also, they won two of three over the Dodgers in April, have won... [More]

Life, Love, and Gambling: All-Star Edition

This morning I punched a Beatles fanatic in the face. In fact, I knocked his rose-colored glasses onto the rain soaked pavement. I then snatched his I-pod and stomped on it furiously. "All You Need Is Love," the track he was singing along with, poorly, was gone in an instant. The Beatles fan wiped blood from his split lip and began whimpering. I walked away without a word. The deluge fell harder. And as if from the heavens above, the Rolling Stones' "Paint It Black" poured down at stun volume.

I awoke from the dream shortly thereafter, but the foul feeling of the phantasm has been with me all day. I know the reason behind such an odd, angry dream. No, my wife has not fallen for a Ringo Starr lookalike. The explanation is best left for another day, another column.

Before the home field advantage rule, I watched the MLB All-Star game as much as the NFL Pro Bowl -- never. But now that the game actually means something, I love watching and wagering on the Midsummer Classic.

The Game
American League -115
National League +1.5 (-155)
Under 9.5 runs -115

Show me the handicapper who claims he or she has this event all figured out, and I'll bet that 1) they are lying or 2) they are one prop bet away from a bleeding ulcer. Some games present a Rubik's cube of possibilities, no matter how skilled one might be at solving gambling puzzles for profit.

I honestly feel that, just like last year, we are in for a riveting, close All-Star game. Th... [More]

The Bird is the Word

My disdain for the Chicago Cubs is well documented, so it should come as no surprise that I like the Cardinals tonight. But bias aside, St. Louis starter Adam Wainwright is 3-0 versus Chicago this year. Opposing pitcher Randy Wells (1.05 WHIP, 2.25 ERA) is equally impressive, but he has not faced Albert Pujols and the Cardinal battery, which is averaging .284 against right handed pitching. Cubs/Cardinals history backs the Cubbies, but this is game two of a double header, which often favors the team that lost game one.

Cardinals -105

Under 8.5 runs -120

Prop Bets (1.5 units)

• No runs scored in the 1st inning -125
• Cardinals to score first -155
• Under 4 1/2 total runs first 4 1/2 innings -155
• Under 28 hits+runs+errors -135

A Pot of Gold Cup

Sometimes visitors and regulars of Covers.com are correct to call out or embarrass writers/prognosticators for bad picks. Like many of us, including me, they fall in betting love with particular stats and trends. However, we must remember that to err is human. Thus both books and gamblers make foolish errors, sometimes one after another.

Shawn Young, former oddsmaker, deserves a big round of Covers faithful applause for his intelligence and insight regarding Gold Cup soccer. I don't have his win/loss record, but I am certain he is well in the green, green cash money of pitch profit at the present time.

The following picks are inspired by Shawn's column. Whether I win or lose, Shawn is golden as Pony Boy in S.E. Hinton's The Outsiders.

Nicaragua +1.5 (-125)

Guadalupe +0.5 (+130)

Mexico/Guadalupe Under 2.5 (-125)

MC Bet's Sublime Sunday

One and two and three and four...
Yesterday sucked but I'm back for more!

I'm like Liam Neeson killing dudes in Taken,
only my wrath's about money making.

Sometimes the casino rolls like a crook,
but today I'm gonna bash the book!

Red Sox -1.5 (-145)

Blue Jays +105

White Sox +110

Angels +120

Cardinals +125

Life, Love, and Gambling

Whenever Lady Luck, a pitiful performance by a team or individual, or haphazard research makes me lose money, I am instantly jazzed for vengeance.

My blood is still boiling from the shocking example of CFL suckdom displayed by the Toronto Argonauts today. The Roughriders are for real, and I certainly hope that other CFL bettors take notice.

Now back to revenge: One of my favorite Iron Maiden songs is "Aces High," in large part due to the famous Winston Churchill "Fight On The Beaches" speech that is sampled at the start of the song. The speech took place on June 4th, 1940, following a largely successful evacuation of the British Expeditionary Force from Dunkirk. Here is the climax of the speech. Try to imagine the heavy metal nirvana that is Iron Maiden's "Aces High" to fully enjoy he words.

"Even though large tracts of Europe and many old and famous States have fallen or may fall into the grip of the Gestapo and all the odious apparatus of Nazi rule, we shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this Island or a large part of it ... [More]

ArgoNOTS 101

It won't make Toronto backers such as myself any happier, but this will make you smarter.

Question: What is an Argonaut?

Here is the answer, thanks to Dictionary.com. In my humble opinion, the only thing Toronto's band of wimpy football players found today was a hot and steamy Bronze Turd.

–noun

1.	Classical Mythology. a member of the band of men who sailed to Colchis with Jason in the ship Argo in search of the Golden Fleece.

2.	(sometimes lowercase) a person in quest of something dangerous but rewarding; adventurer.

2nd Half Sask/Tor Leans

I'm watching the game on Justin TV (TSN feed) http://www.justin.tv/cobra00. The Argos are playing like Celine Dion's singing. I need a barf bucket.

I was sooo wrong about this one. The Roughriders are for real!

I'm playing the Roughriders for the 2nd half, and leaning towards the under...unless the number is something like 23 or even 25.

Strange Brew: Saturday CFL

Sadly, I know very little about Canada...or should I say aboot. Even lamer, what I do know I only learned from popular culture and the media.

I love the cult comedy Strange Brew, starring SCTV's Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas as the beer-guzzling McKenzie brothers.

Jagged little songstress Alanis Nadine Morissette was born in Ottawa, Ontario. She played God in Kevin Smith's Dogma. Amen!

According to the Michael Moore documentary Bowling for Columbine, Canadians own lots of guns but rarely shoot each other...and they do not lock their front doors very often.

Celine Dion may be Canadian, but I can't stand her music. In fact, the only time I might ever listen to her music is to induce vomiting after a poisoning incident.

Finally, although she might be yesterday's most lusted after Canadian to many people, I still have a soft spot in my heart and a hard on in my pants for Vancouver Island's Pamela Anderson. Pamela provides the perfect segue to today's CFL plays because she was first discovered at a British Columbia Lions football game. She happened to be wearing a Labatt's Beer T-shirt and her image was displayed on the stadium's wide screen. Fans, more than likely male, more than likely half crocked, cheered so much that Pam was escorted to the 50-yard-line and introduced to the crowd. She soon became Labatt's "Blue Zone" girl...and then several years later starred in a legendary video with Motley Crue's Tommy Lee.

Here are today's CF... [More]

MC Bet's Tig Old Bitties Rap

I don't have much time on my hands,
just enough to drop this ditty.

I hope you love tonight's picks
like I love Kardashian's t!tt!es!

Astros -1.5 (+110)

Rangers -115

Canadian Football League
Winnipeg +7 (-110)
B.C. Lions -13 (-110)

WNBA
Fever/Sky Over 140.5

MC Bet's Afternoon Angst

Used to be a Cub fan just like you.
Loved Wrigley field and the frosty brew.

Then the team and management betrayed us,
everyone's head stuck in their anus.

Goodbye Wrigley. Goodbye Cubs.
I can't root for a bunch of gutless schlubs.

Get ready for another baseball beating.
The Cardinals win today's matinee meeting.

Cardinals -118

Under 8.5 runs -120 

Life, Love, and Gambling

Is Michael Jackson dead yet? Before you curse my very soul or punch the monitor (careful, LCD flat screen owners), think about all the more important events happening at home or abroad that the media is ignoring right now -- the economic meltdown, Afghanistan, Iraq, Sarah Palin's Playboy deal, and Senator Al Franken hosting Saturday Night Live. *The last two stories are figments of my imagination, but wouldn't both be great if they were true.

What did your fandemonium of Michael Jackson ever do for you? Sure, you may have picked up a few dance moves and dressed like a Thriller zombie one Halloween. But did your love of Michael Jackson ever get you laid? Honestly, I've had more rapture and romance to music by The Cure and New Order -- and, yes, they were very hot women. Did Michael Jackson ever raise your status amongst your guy friends? In my youth, if a guy said, "You can have Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, and The Clash, because I love Michael Jackson," that guy got kicked square in the nuts.

Don't hate me. Hate the media. They haven't done their job since the birth of cable TV news or the rise of Rupert Murdoch. Take your pick.

One quick love note: On a much brighter musical note, I recommend picking up the latest offering by Wilco, Wilco (the album). My favorite tracks thus far are "Bull Black Nova," "Wilco (the song)," "You and I," and "One Wing." To this day, the best live show I have ever seen was Wilco at the Axis in Bloomington, Indiana, Thursday, Apr... [More]

Indians/White Sox: MLB Run Record?

Hey Statmasters,

What are the chances of the Indians and White Sox breaking the MLB one game run record today?

It's only the top of the 4th inning, and already 15 runs have been scored.

MC Bet's Early Plays

Early games make me cheer.
The crack of the bat and ice cold beer!

Dirty Harry said "Make my day,"
so I'll take a shot with some early plays:

Cardinals -120

Indians/White Sox Over 10 (-120)

Yankees -110

Indians +108

I hope you dig it, my Covers brothers.
Word to your mother!

Life, Love, and the Boob Tube

If you are like me, a die hard boob man, than no matter what's on television everything is cool.

A short while ago I was at my favorite establishment for lunch. The waitress had clicked to the Weather Channel because the Cub game was in rain delay at the time. I was ready to suggest ESPN or ESPN News, when what to my bored radar watching eyes should appear but Heather Tesch and her amazing mammary glands -- held back by bra and tight sweater, of course.

We lucky men of cleavage should not complain, for nearly everything on television displays fun bags. How many shows, cable or network, do you watch where you have to squint to make sure the actor is a female? How many commercials have you seen where the actresses are flat chested?

As I finished off my second gin and tonic, I realized that men who love butts and legs have it real bad. How often does any TV program give viewers a gander at bare legs? How often does the director say, "Give me a close up of that ass."

Squeeze the following picks if you like:

Orioles +110

Over 9 -105

Life, Love, and Gambling

If at first you don't succeed, keep on sucking! Yet another MLB betting loss has me baffled and bristled. Perhaps you too had the under yesterday in the Toronto/New York game. I had no idea that Yankee Andy Pettitte was going to pitch like comedian Andy Dick; it wasn't a bit funny when he alone allowed six earned runs.

I don't think I have felt this joyless since that hippie dumped me on her front porch.

Her name was Julie. Tall. Long legs. Curly red hair and ice blue eyes. She was carefree but not too bright. However, she had a beautiful figure. And I'd like to think that without all the pot she was truly smart.

The funniest thing about her was that her two favorite bands were Phish and Korn. Hanging around her ganja fogged pad had many a sonic comic moment.  Imagine if you were dating a country girl who liked Toby Keith and Lil' Wayne. Now add lots of dope. Or a super fine mulatto, a lady who looked like Sade but listened to Billie Holiday and the Pixies. And don't forget the wacky weed.

The least funny thing about her, a warning sign perhaps, is that she often commented on my physique. And it wasn't complimentary. "You are soooo skinny," she would often say with a slight suburban Chicago accent. I repeatedly told her that it was my metabolism, but she never understood. Maybe if we had dated a few more months I would have put on 10-20 pounds from all the munchies.

One evening late that summer, Julie quietly walked me to the front... [More]

Somebody Up There Hates Me

Or maybe He just wants me to quit.

Sorry big guy, not happening.

In case you have missed or ignored my last few threads, I'm in a terrible funk. I should get a big black "L" tattooed on my forehead. I'm losing so much that I might as well wear a Washington Nationals cap wherever I go. But wait a minute, the Nats have won two straight.

Besides, my favorite retort when it comes to quitting any vice is, "Nobody likes a quitter."

I once heard a man say that as he prayed at the end of the day he thanked God for the good things and the bad things that had occurred.

At first I thought he was a fool. In fact, I nearly exploded with laughter as I pictured the following scene:

A middle aged man kneels at his bedside and begins to pray.
"Thank you for the beautiful weather today, Jesus."
"Thank you for the roof over my head."
"Thank you for breakfast, lunch, dinner."
"Oh...and my midnight snack of raspberry Zingers."
"Thank you for the boss yelling at me."
"Thank you for Maggie turning me down once again."
"Thank you for my fall off that bar stool."
"Thank you for my bruised hip."
"Thank you for that fat lady at the bar turning me down."

But as I pondered this devout man's prayer ritual further...I still could not stop laughing deep inside my cranium!

Don't get me wrong. I am a firm believer with deep faith. I was raised Catholic, so I feel guilty after every wrongdoing -- burning dinner, forgetting t... [More]

Sunday Salvation

Saturday was simply hellish from a betting perspective. Hopefully, Sunday will be my salvation.

Indians -1.5 (-105)

Although Indians ace Cliff Lee gave up seven runs and 11 hits in only three innings his last time out, it bears mention the opposition was the hot-hitting Chicago White Sox. In nine career appearances against the A's, Lee is 4-1 with a 2.39 ERA; last year he faced them twice...and his ERA was 0.61. One stat that does worry me, provided it is accurate, is that Oakland bats .293 against left handed pitching. However, the opposing pitcher, lefty Gio Gonzalez, is 0-2 with an ERA of 7.27. And he has yet to make it out of the fifth inning. The run line is often a cruel mistress to play, but I have faith in the Tribe -- even if it takes a few late runs to satisfy the bet.

White Sox +100

I don't think it's time to fade the powerful Pale Hose yet, especially facing righty Brian Bannister, who the visiting White Sox blackened for seven runs in five innings on May 29th for an 11-2 win. Chicago lefty Clayton Richard may have a WHIP of 1.42 and a below average ERA of 7.42; however, the White Sox have won each of his last starts.

May all your wagering prayers be answered today!

Life, Love, and Gambling

With my ears ringing horribly from the explosion, I scanned the sidewalk, lawn, and finally the street. I prayed the oncoming car would not flatten my thumb...but my thumb wasn't on the pavement either.

Luckily, the appendage made it through the blast. But I know, if the firework were a cherry bomb and not a Black Cat, the result would have been quite different. I may have been partially or totally deaf. I'd either be missing a thumb or have a prosthetic. And I most assuredly would have suffered through a frantic, curse word laden, drive to the hospital with my stepfather.

So be careful tonight, everyone. Even if you win big this evening, that's no reason to start a bottle rocket bonanza or wage a drunken Roman candle war.

Here are tonight's MLB plays:

Angels ML -160

Rays ML -130

Rockies -1.5 (-110)

Have a happy and safe Fourth of July!

Life, Love, and Gambling

John Donne famously said, "No man is an island...". I say, "Why the hell not!"

Maybe I'm a cruel, selfish bastard, but like many men, especially on Friday and Saturday nights, I like to pretend I have no responsibilities or obligations. In other words, like the ladies like to say, "I would appreciate some me time."

Alas, not thirty minutes ago my wife makes plans for the evening: free swimming at E.I.U., followed by dinner, followed by God knows what other plan I will simply scowl through.

So everyone, I'm sorry I have no time for humorous tales tonight.

Here are my picks, and good luck to you all!

MLB
Twins -168
Cardinals -123

WNBA
Mystics +3.5

CFL
B.C. Lions ML (-130)

Life, Love, and Gambling

My son is in mourning. His first pet has died. My wife and I were moved...to laughter. See, his first pet was not a cat, dog, fish, or guinea pig. He decided to hold captive an itsy bitsy jumping spider.

He named it Hoppy, and, honestly, he was smitten with the creature. We urged him to let it go, emphasizing that the spider would need food too small for us to catch. Ever tried catching a gnat? A leafhopper?

Still, like most young children, he would not listen. So yesterday morning, as my son giddily began eating his Captain Crunch Crunch Berries, he discovered his beloved Hoppy dead at the bottom of the Bell jar.

This story has a happy ending, however. As if it fell from heaven, or a door left open too long, this morning my son discovered a lightning bug on the kitchen floor.

Enjoy tonight's selections, and I hope all your wagers have happy endings.

MLB Plays
Cubs -148
White Sox -144

WNBA
Minnesota Lynx -5.5 (-110)

CFL
Winnipeg Blue Bombers +8 (-110)
Winnipeg/Edmonton Over 52 (-110)

Als vs Stamps 2nd Half Plays

Als +7.5 (-115)

and

Over 27 (-110)

Good luck, everyone!

Canada Day: Game 2

Here are my picks for the Grey Cup Revisited matchup:

Montreal Al's +8 (-110)

Under 53 (-110)

1H Stampeders -4.5 (-110)

*I was set to play the over, but the weather in Calgary calls for rain/thunderstorms that should worsen as the game progresses.

Best of luck, eh!

Life, Love, and Gambling

My life would be much happier if Godzilla actually existed and attacked Charleston, Illinois on a regular basis:

For example, it would be great if on a typical sunny Saturday morning, when my Better Homes and Gardens yard-obsessed neighbors are running their lawn mowers, Weed Eaters, and leaf blowers...and I'm trying to get some sleep...,Godzilla suddenly appeared and crushed them all.

Or let's say I'm just about to head out the door to teach three English courses. The boss calls and says, "All classes are canceled...again. Godzilla leveled every building but the library."

But my favorite imagined scenario occurred to me today. Me and the family turn into the Wal-Mart parking lot for an exciting, invigorating hour of grocery shopping. To our surprise, Godzilla's behemoth body is sitting squarely where the Wal-Mart used to be. And for fun, he is setting cars and unlucky shoppers on fire with his flame-thrower breath.

The odd thing is, he never destroys my favorite bar, Roc's Blackfront.

Here are tonight's plays, all at 1.5 units:

Giants +130

White Sox +100

D-Backs/Reds Over 8.5 (-120)

CFL Football
Toronto Argonauts +3 (110)
Argos/Tiger Cats Under 51 (-110)

May all your wagers be winners!