'Cocks, Beavers, and Molly Querim

Not too long ago, ESPN's beautiful Molly Querim hosted an Internet vote where NCAA football helmets were judged in a visual manner.  (Personally, I would have liked to see ESPN's female anchors/corespondents pitted against the eye candy offered by Fox News and CNN.)  Although I must admit it was difficult to concentrate while watching Ms. Querim's hypnotizing body....uhhh, I mean, segments...I kept asking myself, "Why doesn't ESPN have a battle of the coolest NCAA football names?"  Today it finally dawned on me.  Such a contest would certainly be won by the South Carolina Gamecocks and the Oregon State Beavers.  Go ahead, laugh like Beavis, it's only natural.

South Carolina -14

The large pointspread is a bit bothersome, but NC State's QB and offensive line are even more questionable.  In addition, the Wolfpack's defense ranked 66th last year...and only four starters return this year.  Spurrier's 'Cocks (Gee, it's fun writing that.) have six returning starters on offense and eight on defense.  Advantage 'Cocks!

Oregon State Beavers -135

Coach Jim Harbaugh seems very confident about his Stanford Cardinal team this year, a team, we must remember, that upset #2 USC last year.  After all, Stanford gets seven returning starters on offense and eight on defense.  The Beavers only have three returning starters from last year's 8th ranked defense, yet seven players rejoin the offense.  I feel the Beavers... [More]

Wednesday MLB: Goat Abuse and A Royal Roundup

Before I make my first pick, I must direct a statement at PETA: Goats are beautiful animals...except when they try to eat your clothing and nibble on the fingers of toddlers at the petting zoo.  The write up that follows contains figurative language.  In other words, no animals were injured in the production of this prose.

Cubs/Pirates Over 10

The Cubs bats have been so mighty and merciless all season long that Billy Sianis' goat, Murphy, of the infamous 1945 curse, is now bludgeoned so bad he almost resembles everyday roadkill -- a bloody mess seemingly turned inside out.  The Cubs have scored 26 runs in the first two games of the series with the Pirates, and today they face lefty Zach Duke (ERA 6.50), the loser of a 12-3 beat down May 23rd.  Duke has only lasted six innings over his last two starts, so the pathetic Pirate bullpen (8.23 ERA the last three games) will face a Cub team that loves to add late runs.  Cubs starter Jason Marquis (ERA 5.29) is coming off a poor performance against the Nationals, a game the Cubs lost 13-5.  Marquis is not Harden, Zambrano, or Dempster, so expect Pittsburgh, batting .282 against right handed pitching, to maybe score a half dozen runs.  Tim Tschida is behind home plate today, and the Over is 5-1 his last six assignments.

Rangers -110

I feel the Rangers are going to have another Royal Rodeo this evening.  The Royals starting pitcher, Brian Bannister, appears to be lobby... [More]

Monday Night Football: Don't Ride The Lightning

While brainstorming for a clever title, I somehow managed to drop a  reference to Metallica's classic 1984 offering, Ride The Lightning.  While I prefer Master of Puppets, tracks like "Fight Fire With Fire," "For Whom The Bell Tolls," "Fade to Black," and "Creeping Death" still sound better than over half of today's so-called heavy metal.  Funny but true, Metallica originally wanted to title the record Metal Up Your Ass, complete with artwork of a man's vicious, muscular arm rising from inside a toilet...wielding a nasty looking knife.  I'm not making this up.  In fact, I'll bet a few of you may still have a Ride The Lightning tour t-shirt, now faded and full of holes, with the masterful toiletry art on back.  How I miss the old Metallica...

And now for tonight's pigskin pick...

Seattle +5.5

The Seahawks are 2-0 this preseason, beating Minnesota on the road 34-17 and the Bears at home 29-26.  Although I don't have the intel on which QBs Mike Holmgren plans to play and for how long, I can't imagine that in a nationally televised game he will choose Charlie Frye, who last week played the entire game, completing 20-35 passes for 209 yards AND three interceptions.  I expect to see a lot of Seneca Wallace, who has consistently impressed this preseason.  Also, watch for Seattle rookie running back Justin Forsett, who last week gained 261 all-purpose yards, including 52 yards rushing in overtime.  San Diego may b... [More]

"Live from New York, it's Brett Favre!"

*The following Saturday Night Live monologue is visiting us from the future, Saturday, February 20, 2010, to be exact.

(Brett Favre ambles to the front of the stage until he stands dead center under the spotlight.  His hair is tousled, he is unshaven, and he wears a faded pair of blue jeans and his New York Jets jersey.  He smiles heartily and waves to the crowd.  The applause is deafening.  Then the crowd begins chanting in unison, "J-e-t-s, Jets, Jets, Jets!" followed by "B-r-e-t-t, Brett, Brett, Brett!")

Favre: Thank you.  Thank you. 

(Heavy applause and chanting continues.)

Favre: Thank you, really, but we have a show to do.

(Heavy applause and chanting does not stop.)

Favre (shouting): Look, I love you guys too, but can I talk.

(The applause and chanting suddenly stops.)

Favre: Wow, it's good to be the King of New York.  (random laughter from the crowd)  (Favre clears his throat.)  I know this is the part where I'm expected to be funny, but I'm not an actor or comedian.  I'm just an NFL quarterback.  (Favre becomes strangely choked up.)  And since winning the Super Bowl...again...I have done a lot of thinking.

Random guy in crowd: You rock, Brett!

Favre: Thank you.  I was saying that since I have brought a long awaited championship back to the New York Jets I've done a lot of thinking...

Random guy in crowd:  About running fo... [More]

Friday Night (NFL) Lights

After a few days of working for the Man, it's time to get back to work I don't have to fake like I enjoy -- sports wagering.  After Tuesday's 1-1 record, I now hold an all-sports total of 14-5.  Although MLB has reached a point in the season that can be incredibly profitable, teams with post season potential versus teams most likely to tank games, I simply could not resist playing a trio of week three NFL preseason games.

Why week three, you might ask?

Week three of the NFL preseason is often referred to as a "dress rehearsal" for the true season, because nearly all healthy starters will play either one half or three quarters of the game.  So whether you are a casual NFL fan, NFL fantasy fanatic, or NFL sports wagering freak, week three of the preseason is the one to watch -- and take a few notes, of course.

I begin tonight's picks in the state responsible for Friday Night Lights (the book, the movie, the TV show), Texas.  Football is the biggest sport in Texas, with Beer Pong coming in a close second for college students on the University of Texas (Austin) campus.   Tonight the 2-0 Houston Texans visit the 0-2 Dallas Cowboys.  The line opened at -6 in favor of the Cowboys, but has since fallen to -5.5.  As an intense Cowboy fan, I'd like nothing more than to confidently predict an easy cover.  After all, it is hard to ever picture America's Team losing three straight contests, preseason or not.  However, ... [More]

Tuesday Night Baseball

Good afternoon, giddy gamblers! 

The Pirates collected that booty yesterday to bring my overall record to 13-4....However, for my first selection I'm going against the mostly abysmal Pittsburgh team...

Cardinals -1.5 (-115)

The Cardinals are only 2.5 games behind the Brewers for the NL wildcard, and tonight begin a crucial seven-game homestand.  Braden Looper gets the bump tonight for St. Louis; over the last three appearances he has a nasty WHIP of 0.86 and ERA of 2.14.  On June 1st of this year he helped beat the Pirates 7-4 versus this evening's Pittsburgh starter, Ian Snell.  Snell's overall record is 4-10 with an ERA in night games of 5.02.  He had an above average outing last week, albeit versus the Reds, but the Pirate offense failed to generate enough runs.  Arguably one of the weakest MLB lineups, the Pirate team batting average the last ten games is .237 RHP and .207 LHP.  Conversely, St. Louis is batting .298 against right handed pitching over the last ten games.  Betting the run line is a tricky animal, but I have faith in a Cardinal team at possibly the most crucial point in the season.

Tigers -115

While the Tigers are not mathematically eliminated from wildcard contention, most fans, sports pundits, and bettors understand that the team has too many weaknesses to be consistent winners the rest of the season.  Tonight, however, I really like the pitching matchup of Detroit's Armando G... [More]

Pirate Booty!

Winners of six straight games, the Mets appear to be sailing along smoothly.  Another way to put it is that the Mets have righted their ship. 

However, one could argue that a few international little league teams could beat both the slumping Washington Nationals and Pittsburgh Pirates.

Thus I like the Pirates +1.5 (-135) to temporarily sink the Mets ship and seize the booty!

Today's Mets starter is righty John Maine, 1.10 WHIP and 2.20 ERA over the last three games, who in his first start after a two week rotator cuff rehab, helped stomp the Nationals 12-0.  Maine has not faced the Pirates this year, but last year he went 2-0 against them, with an ERA of 3.75.  *It is worth noting that in both starts against the Pirates last season the opposing pitchers were the horrible Matt Morris and Ian Snell.  Today the Mets face lefty Paul Maholm, arguably the Pirates best starter: 1.19 WHIP and 3.00 ERA over the last three games.  Maholm had success against the Mets last year, 3-0 and a 2.37 ERA.

If the pitchers perform as expected, the game comes down to the offense.  Because the Mets are batting .323 against left handed pitching over the last 10 games and the Pirates only .227 facing right handed pitching over the same time span, the Mets clearly have the offensive advantage.  However, Mets skipper Jerry Manuel plans to rest Jose Reyes, who has a career batting average of .385 against Paul Maholm.  Only Ramon C... [More]

S-a-t-u-r-d-a-y: How About Dem Cowboys?

Like many teams, the Dallas Cowboys do not place a ton of effort into winning preseason games.  However, practicing with the enemy the last few days has given the cowpokes a familiarity they are not used to. I simply can not imagine the 2008 Dallas Cowboys going 0-2 in the preseason...with so many expectations and glowing extrapolations around the corner.

Dallas Cowboys +125

S-a-t-u-r-d-a-y: Early Edition

Good morning, gamblers.  Let's examine the wreckage of a wild, mostly disastrous, Friday.  Rejoice Cubs fans!  The goat is soon to be gone.  With one lousy pitch I lost my Marlins pick.  Chicago's repeated knack for comebacks this season is yet another sign that the curse shall be reversed.  The Red Sox debut of Paul Byrd was denied by rain, and although the Titans beat the Raiders, they failed to cover the spread.  This kind of failure only fires me up.  So today I am offering picks in the afternoon and evening.  Let the rock and roll begin!

Mariners/Twins Over 8.5 (-110)

All four meetings this August have gone over the total.  The last time today's Twins starter Scott Baker faced the Mariners the result was an 8-7 loss.  Mariners lefty Ryan Rowland-Smith is fresh off a loss to the Rays, 8-7 in extra innings.  If these two teams score a combined total of 15 runs today, I'm calling Fox Mulder.

Royals/Yankees Under 9.5 (-125)

Umpire Wally Bell has an over/under record of 5-15.  Also, history hints at the under play.  The under has prevailed in Yankee starter Sidney Ponson's last two starts (0-4, 5-3), and both of Zack Greinke's battles with the pinstripes this season have gone under the total (4-0, 6-3).

May your wagers be winners! 

Serf and Turf: Friday Three Play

Another work week comes to a close, fellow sports bettors.  I am only hours away from some down time at my favorite watering hole.  I am undecided on the drink du jour, but I am leaning towards the XXX-tra dirty (a touch more olive juice) Bombay Sapphire gin martini. 

Thursday: 2-0
Overall: 10-2

Tonight I have three predictions I hope will line my pockets with mucho dinero.  The first two are MLB picks, while the third is the lone NFL preseason game. 

Red Sox -118

The Doctor (Roy Halladay) is in for the Blue Jays this evening, but former Cleveland hurler Paul Byrd gets his first start for Red Sox Nation.  Over his last three starts, Byrdman has a 0.89 WHIP and ERA of 1.14.  Only Inglett, Overbay, and Wilson have significant batting averages against Byrd.  Halladay has a career 10-11 record and 4.66 ERA against Boston (34 games).  But the difference in tonight's game comes down to the bats: The Red Sox have simply been hitting more consistently, .313 versus righties and .303 facing lefties (last 10 games).

Marlins +115

This may be a big risk in choosing the Flailing Fish over sure post-season favorites Chicago, but a few facts certainly make the wager plausible...and hopefully profitable.  Not only has Florida won 12 of the last 14 games against the Cubs, but tonight's starter, rightie Josh Johnson, is 3-0 and has only allowed two runs over the last 13 innings.  Also, I have ... [More]

NFL and MLB Pick

Today's entry is delayed because I was attempting to get my Phelps on at the local swimming pool.  Alas, pools are depressing if, like me, you have a wife and kids.  For adults, swimming pools are yet another reminder of youth lost.  And to make matters worse, the place is agog with beautiful nymphs and trophy wives in two piece bathing suits.  So, no Phelpsian victory for me, just an underwater woody.

Wednesday: 2-0
Overall: 8-2

Tonight I am playing one MLB game and one NFL preseason game:

Cubs -1.5 (+105)

Although I am suspicious of the generous Cubs money line, between -120 and -130 something, I believe, I still feel strongly that the Cubs will win by two or more runs.  Not only have they behaved like rabid bears the last two games, scalping the Braves 10-2 then 8-0, but on June 10 a Ted Lilly led squad beat Tom Glavine and the Braves 10-5.  In that game Glavine lasted all of three innings.  If that scenario happens once more, a bullpen with a collective ERA of 6.75 becomes the Braves only hope.

Philadelphia Eagles -3.5 (-110)

I honestly feel like Covers own Ryan Stetson has said it all [*See "Questioning Carolina" from the home page.].  This is the second consecutive preseason meeting between the Eagles and Panthers at Lincoln Financial Field.  The Eagles won last year's matchup easily, 27-10.

I hope everyone has a gold medal evening!
... [More]

Dear Michael Phelps

Mike,

This is not a fan letter.  I know you are crushed, but now that you are the greatest Olympian ever you must get thousands of fan letters each day.  It must be fun to read about how you have awed, inspired, and motivated ordinary people.  Sure you get the occasional creepy parcel requesting that you autograph a Speedo, or requests for romance from women of all ages, shapes and sizes, but at least you get fan mail.  I get bills, coupons for pizza, and sometimes a pamphlet telling me that the end of the world is nigh and I must accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour.

I am writing to apologize for not witnessing any of your gold medal winning performances.  Furthermore, I think I am the only one who hasn't discussed your awesome achievements over a Big Mac, cup of coffee, or cigarette.  I feel deeply left out of the loop.  I am lost.  I am hurt.  So, actually, Aquaman (ESPN, August 11 issue), you owe me an apology for creating a world suddenly dominated by your legendary accomplishments.

As a true sports fanatic, I am baffled by my aversion to your sport.  But after careful self evaluation, I think I have figured it out.  My father's idea of swim lessons was to trick me into believing he would catch me when I jumped into the pool.  And when I gleefully leaped into the water he would back away, which almost always caused such panic that I nearly drowned every time.  Don't feel bad, Mike... [More]

The Pugnacious Prognosticator

All apologies for the Pirates pick yesterday.  If they were real pirates they would probably sink their own ship.  I'd like to make those Pirate batters who failed with men on base walk the plank.  No, that's not original enough.  How about dropping two or three live lobsters down their pants.  Yikes!

Tuesday: 2-1
Overall: 6-2

Today I have two picks for your consideration:

Astros -1.5 (+115)

I want to keep this simple.  The Astros, winners of six straight, are playing out of this world, while the Giants are digging a metaphorical grave.  In six meetings this year, the Giants won only once; the Astros won and covered the run line in all but one of the rest.  Even if Barry "Schizoid" Zito pitches well, I highly doubt we will see a complete game.  That means that the Giants bullpen, with a hefty ERA of 8.68 may find the junk they throw winding up in another galaxy.

Diamondbacks/Rockies Over 9.5 (-115)

Arizona starter Doug Davis has seen his last two efforts, both losses, go over the run total -- 9-3  and 11-6.  While Doug Davis did have an ERA of 3.18 against Colorado last year, I'm siding with recent history tonight.  Especially so considering that Rockies lefty Jeff Francis has faced the D-Backs three times this year...with horrific results: an overall ERA of 11.25, with five runs or more surrendered in each game.

May all your wagers make your wallets...or purses... [More]

The Pugnacious Prognosticator

Sometimes players perform like professionals.  On some days, however, they simply tank their duties like some punk teenager working a soul sucking fast food job.  Shame on the Giants and Astros for a collective performance as impossible to bear as a pornographic movie with trailer trash skanks.  In other words, the game did not go over the total (9) and I'm still miffed.

Yesterday: 2-1
Overall: 4-1

And now for today's picks...

Pirates -105

Reds starting pitcher Edinson "Dying Volcano" Volquez has allowed 15 earned runs and 30 hits over his last four starts.  Pirates starter Jeff "Killer" Karstens hasn't given up a run in 15 innings -- his WHIP is 0.80 and ERA 0.00.  Add to this a now Adam Dunn-less Reds team fading faster than the musical career of Ace of Base, and the Pirates should prevail.

Diamondbacks +124

Even if Adam Dunn does not play tonight, D-Backs hurler Randy Johnson has been downright nasty as of late -- 1.03 WHIP and 0.89 ERA.  Even though Rockies starting pitcher Ubaldo Jimenez has been successful against Arizona, only allowing four runs over 13 innings the last two meetings, I can't ignore his inept last start -- six runs and six walks over five innings...against the Washington Nationals. 

Orioles and Indians Over 10 (-125)

Both starting pitchers, Jeremy Sowers (Indians) and Garrett Olson (Orioles) have recently been at the helm of games that have soared over the... [More]

The Pugnacious Prognosticator

As a proud member of the Glass Half Empty set, it pains me to admit that I have little to rant about, sports or otherwise, today.  And it's freaking Monday!

Then again, I am somewhat irritated by a few things.  It is early August and we already have a mud (slinging) fight between presidential hopefuls John McCain and Barack Obama.  Worse than these recent dirty ads is the reality that more than a few morons will actually buy into these untruths come November.  Next up, The Pussycat Dolls.  Not only is the group's beauty a force to reckon with, but now that the new single, "When I Grow Up," has dropped, I can't get the tune out of my head!  I even tried playing hours of classic Metallica, yet still the bubblegum pop heaven of the Pussycat Dolls prevailed.

And now for this evening's action...

Red Sox -148

Not only has Josh Beckett been perfect against the White Sox, but lefty White Sox starter John Danks was beaten 10-1 last August...in Chicago.  In addition, the Pale Hose bullpen (5.40 ERA the last three games) is a concern, narrowly escaping a Boston comeback Sunday.

Giants/Astros Over 9 (-105)

Although the run total has moved from 9.5 to 9 on most sites, I can not understand how Giants lefty Jonathan Sanchez and Astros righty Brandon Backe will avoid going over the total -- in Houston no less!  Over the last three starts, Sanchez has a WHIP of 2.14 and an ERA of 10.03.  Comparatively, Back... [More]

The Pugnacious Prognosticator

Bellicose Blather
Thrilled by the over in the Cowboy/Charger game last night, I was angry as Russell Crowe on a three day bender by the overall result of the game.  Granted, it was the Cowboys first preseason game, but if the defense and special teams play like that in the regular season, Jerry Jones is going to leave his skybox to pace the sidelines in a befuddled, manic state.  And if Tony Romo is injured at all this season...you know, intermittent attacks of blindness due to paparazzi flashbulbs...or a groin pull courtesy of Jessica Simpson...all bets are off!  Backup Brad Johnson appears incapable of leading the team.  The old fart is so weathered and weary he would probably screw up a wet dream.

Now that the kicks are out of the way, here are my picks:

Angels -128

The Angels are playing devilishly good baseball right now.  The Yankees are one loss away from another amusing act of buffoonery by Hank Steinbrenner.  Andy Petite gets the nod for the Yankees today: 1.90 WHIP and 8.27 ERA over the last three starts.  On July 31 the Angels beat the holy pinstripes off the Yankees, 12-6.   Petite pitched at home that day.  And even if Andy has a bounce back effort this afternoon, the Yankee bullpen has a 6.55 ERA over the last three games.  I can't wait to see what Hank says or does next!

Marlins +117

I do not understand all the Met love in today's matchup.  Florida and righty Josh ... [More]

Take The Money And...Pass

Should Brett Favre accept the reported $20-$25 million marketing/bribe deal to stay retired, he may want to consider the following marketing ideas:

Favre Flip Flops: The poor man's Croc, these rubbery sandals mysteriously last all of five months -- the length of an NFL season for teams that do not make the playoffs.

The Cash Store: Nearly everyone can feel like Brett Favre...for two weeks.  Once the first "loan" payment is made, only then will the financially inept borrower realize that he/she will be paying an interest rate so high the loan never gets paid off...until another loan is secured.  No matter, for everyone who is loaned money receives an official Packers football signed by Brett Favre.  Thousands then seek relief by selling the football on E-Bay, but by that time the item is worth as little as Lindsey Lohan's lipstick on an empty glass of Amaretto Stone Sour.

How To Lose Fans Yet Bulk Up Your Billfold: For $29.95 you too can learn the sleaziest, yet legal, ways to make money in the 21st century.  This New York Times Bestseller comes with an audio CD narrated by Jose Canseco.  Act now and receive an official, oh-so-amusing, Green Bay Packer foam Cheesehead...with a forged Brett Favre signature.  (Does anyone honestly expect Brett to keep up with the demand for his merchandise?)

Please add any marketing ideas for Brett Favre and the Packers to this forum, for God knows that the NFL and NFL players need more m... [More]