Life, Love, and Gambling

Unless you live off the grid...in a cave...miles below the earth's surface...completely disconnected from humanity, you are very, very aware that most fantasy football drafts began this weekend.

My ESPN league is called "Chucktown Antiheroes," and my live draft is tonight at 9:00 Central Standard Time. I don't mean to get all Paul Rudd I Love You, Man in this thread, but I am in desperate need of other players to join. The league is free, so no "official" prizes. However, with my twisted imagination I am certain to come up with something.

And now for tonight's NFL wagers...

Chicago +1 1/2

Under 39 1/2

Very rarely do NFL exhibition games become overshadowed by off-field drama and fans full of piss and vinegar. Blame the media for turning tonight's Bears/Broncos clash into more soap opera than pivotal preseason game. Although I imagine that new Bear Jay Cutler is honestly a real [insert your favorite vulgar address], he is more than motivated to let Denver fans know where they can stick their empty bottles of beer. Former Bear QB Kyle "Another drink, please." Orton is simply not talented enough to turn things around in Denver. Not tonight. Not this season. My under play is mostly weather related -- rain in Denver.

Best of luck tonight, ladies and degenerates! And remember, 9:00 p.m. CST, ESPN Fantasy Football. Join the league called "Chucktown Antiheroes."
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Esbjerg If Bet

Greetings, pitch profiteers. 

I just pulled the trigger on an If Bet...

PSV Eindhoven (Dutch) ML -125

and then,

Esbjerg (Danish SAS) ML +190

*I really wanted to play Esbjerg straight up, because they have won two straight, including a 2-nil home victory over AaB, plus last place Randers FC has a goal differential of -8! However, in the event that Randers plays pitch perfect soccer, I felt it necessary to play the pick this way.

Cheers!

The BS Behind the Burress Story

If Plaxico Burress were an ordinary white guy named Paul from, let us say, Brooklyn, and he packs heat to protect a few gold chains...and then accidentally shoots himself in the leg...I would bet $1000.00 that he would NOT be sentenced two years in prison.

Why I am I so confident about this wager?

1) Assuming Paul is not incredibly wealthy or famous, the New York judicial system has no reason or precedent to seek the maximum penalty.

2) Media/Political Exposure: Because our imaginary Paul is like hundreds or thousands of New Yorkers that have violated the very same law Plaxico Burress did, he is nothing more than an ant on the sidewalk.

I am not trying to excuse what Plaxico did as trite or inconsequential. However, you can not argue that ordinary people, black, white, yellow, etc., etc., would recieve the same sentence as Plaxico.

Simon Says

I have Gilles Simon,

+3 -135.

I am a tennis betting novice, but I feel good about this pick.

Any and all supporting comments are greatly appreciated.

Life, Love, and Gambling

Some dreams are nightmarish in how they reflect upon one's pathetic existence in the light of day.

On vacation from my job as a community college instructor, I have watched hours of television -- some programs dusted off from the DVR, where they had been stored for months. So I'm not surprised that last night a television show very frequently on in my home invaded my dreams. I wish I could say that I dreamed I was Bill from True Blood, and that Sookie, played by a very phat Anna Paquin, was vamping it up in my bed. However, the reality of the dream involved two of Disney television's most popular male stars, Cole and Dylan Sprouse from The Suite Life and The Suite Life on Deck.

Laugh now, ladies and degenerates, because once you have children you will never dream the same way again.

To summarize last night's Disney channel dippy dream, the Sprouse twins (or Zach and Cody) had taken their act on the road, staging sketches lifted straight from episodes of their TV shows. My wife and I were seated in an unfamiliar auditorium...seated so high that the show was simply unwatchable. Imagine watching a Broadway play from the nosebleed seats of your favorite sports stadium. Suddenly, everyone in my section staged a revolt -- shouting, screaming, and hurling balled up programs at the tween actors far, far below. The next thing I know, the Disney duo is graciously performing an up close and personal aftershow for all us unfortunate "nosebleeders." And afterwards th... [More]

Life, Love, and Gambling

If one is a "degenerate" gambler for betting on preseason NFL football, then what do we label those who actually watch preseason football on television. Dunderheads? Dolts? Dimbulbs?

I admit that I watched ESPN's Monday Night Football telecast of Thursday's dress rehearsal between the Cardinals and Steelers...for all of 15 minutes. I learned that John "Chuckie" Gruden, while certainly better and more plain spoken than Dennis Miller, will most likely be a disappointing addition. Maybe he thinks his role is "agitator," like the guy or gal on cable news shows everyone at home wants to disembowel. A nearly 15 minute tussel with Mike Tirico was about as fun as watching my children fight over toys.

My greater concern is the television wasteland that is NFL preseason broadcasts. Something is gravely wrong when even watching public television is more enjoyable than a football game. I have a few ideas guaranteed to garner greater NFL preseason Nielsen ratings:

Booth Visits By Provocative Celebrities
Enough of this candy-ass crap where Tony Danza or any other has been actor drops by the booth. Forget about inviting former coaches or Saint Roger Goodell. Instead, activate a tape delay and bring in edgy, envelope pushing entertainers. For example, what's wrong with a visit from Jenna Jameson...as long as she decides to keep her top on?

Cheerleader Mud Wresting
The half time banter from most booth dudes is pointless and mind numbing as undergraduate coll... [More]

Life, Love, and Gambling

My son has a drinking problem. Only a toddler, and already he needs AA, Apple Juice Anonymous. He consumes five or six sippy cups of 100% apple juice a day, not once thinking about the risks -- poor teeth, a soggy diaper, Vitamin C overdose, and a Juicy Juice addiction certain to become a Capri-Sun calamity. He wakes two or three times a night, and, as if in the grasp of deep emotional tragedy, cries out, "Juiceee...Juiceee...Juiceee!" I love beer, but not once have I tossed and turned in the middle of the night, muttering, "Budweiser...Budweiser." My son has it real bad.

I thought I read somewhere that breast feeding helps prevent such behavior, but it seems that Dr. Spock is a lying bastard. Think about it guys, all those times I suffered in envy as my son suckled my wife's magnificent mammaries, it could have been my mouth!

Seriously though, with so many toothless and ruthless people roaming the streets of Charleston, Illinois, my wife and I are working hard to help our son beat his addiction. Each night we dilute the apple juice with greater amounts of water. Recently, however, he relapsed. Perhaps on to our ruse, he repeatedly refused his Cars sippy cup full of watered down apple juice. He then tossed it angrily to the floor and burst into tears. I sympathized with the boy, for I would feel similar disgust and anger if my favorite beer, Budweiser, were replaced by the watery Miller Genuine Draft 64. Call us "enablers" for eventually giving in, but we were... [More]

Life, Love, and Gambling

I've been thinking about guns lately.

Don't worry, I have no plans of posting a goodbye blog on Covers and then committing a bizarre murder/suicide over unrequited love, questionable firing, or because the punk cook at McDonald's gave me extra onions when I asked for no onions.

In fact, the only guns I own shoot water. And they are hidden better than a stack of cash, for the children like to shoot themselves...and the cat...inside the house.

Writing about Plaxico Burress gave me an itchy trigger finger, so to speak. I began to think about America's love for guns, and all the terrible things, intended and accidental, that happen when guns are involved. Defending yourself, your family, and your property is understandable. But in America, a land of "fast food" solutions and zero accountability, guns are the last thing some citizens should own. Honestly, and maybe I'm too Lewis Black darkly comic when I write this, the Plaxico Burress incident makes me laugh -- every time. However, most gun tales end in violence, senseless death, and pools of blood.   

Chris Rock jokes that if the cost of bullets was insanely high, gun use and violence could be prevented.

With bullets on the brain, and the attitude that every American, even Plaxico Burress, should retain the right of gun ownership, I came up with the following scatalogical solution. Don't pack heat, pack poop. That's right, feces. These guns and rifles shall look just like the real t... [More]

Life, Love, and Gambling

Poor Plaxico Burress. It's bad enough that the unregistered gun incident last November made him look like a ridiculous thug in an Elmore Leonard novel, but now it looks like he will spend at least one year in jail.

Although I feel Burress' football fame (or infamy) is unfairly being used by an over zealous, fame hungry New York City judicial system, I am puzzled why Plax is fighting prison with equal fervor. Burress will not be doing hard time. He will probably be separated from the general prison population, or share a cell with a criminal whose greatest threat is a motor mouth.

Sure, like anyone who is jailed, rich or poor, the loss of freedom will be a bummer. And because Plaxico is yet another fallen sports star, the media attention will continue -- even on the inside. Whether we find Burress' jail time fascinating or downright hilarious, we are sure to hear updates. How does Plaxico pass the time? What does Plaxico eat? Who has visited Plaxico and what did they talk about? Has Plax made any friends? Enemies? Has he dropped the soap?

If I were Plax, here is what I would do. First, negotiate a reality show with any willing cable network. If people will watch T.O., why not Plaxico...from a jail cell. Next, welcome all interviews, the bigger the better. Interviews are often the only way to fix one's image. I would love to see Plaxico on 60 Minutes. If ESPN taped a Sunday Conversation with Burress -- interviewed by p.h.a.t. Molly Querim, instead of that... [More]

Life, Love, and Gambling

Imagination is the best toy we will ever own. Imagination never breaks and never gets old.

When I was a kid I thought that Legos, Lincoln Logs, and Star Wars figures were the greatest toys ever. But at an early age I became a nerdy bookworm...and quickly realized the power, the priceless nature of the imagination. To escape the humdrum, often troubling real world (busy body mother, nimrod step father) was better than any trendy toy. The horror of Stephen King helped me through the horror of junior high and high school. Without imagination, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar, and a hand towel, I would have never learned to.... Whoops! Some acts of imagination are best left for the grave.

Although my five-year-old daughter, Jasmyn, owns hundreds of toys, it is a joy to behold her overactive imagination. She acts out scenes from her favorite books and television shows. She can quickly become one of a dozen fascinating (and odd) characters she has created. For example, one little girl has Japanese parents. My favorite character is Flowers, a girl whose parents were killed by zombies. (Perhaps this is what happens when Daddy wrongly allows Jasmyn to watch Sam Raimi's campy horror classic, Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn.) Instead of boring, traditional outdoor games like Hide and Seek and Red Light, Green Light, Jasmyn's favorite outdoor game is to imagine I am the owner of a vast mansion estate...full of classic and contemporary monsters. She then portrays a vampi... [More]

MC Bet Sees Stars

I am star crossed for Becky Hammon.
Got a body so hot you could fry an egg on.

She's got spunk and sass, always aims to please.
Shorty rarely misses when she takes a three.

The Stars have fallen in two straight games,
but the Sparks are not on fire.
I like the shine of the Stars today,
and Becky, it's you I desire!

Stars +3.5 (-110)

Over 143.5 (-110)

Life, Love, and Gambling

Life is not fair. A life of gambling is often unfair and unpredictable. That lesson was once again slapped across my bet happy mug yesterday, as I went 0-3.

The first lesson of sports betting I ever learned was how to lose...without throwing a tantrum like a two-year-old, breaking stuff, and then chasing my losses with other bets.

Although I am proud of my near zen-like ability to forget my losses, I still loathe losing. I love any quote of Coach Lombardi. And whoever is credited with the saying, "It's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game," deserves a swift kick in the nuts.

Due to time constraints, I can't provide write ups for the following wagers. These bets just seemed like a great idea. Of course, Plaxico Burris thought it was a great idea to take an unregistered gun into a nightclub. Hopefully tonight does not end like that. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Dodgers -1.5 (-120)

Texas +105

Team leading after 4 1/2 innings: San Diego +140

MC Bet's Sunday Shout Out

It's Sunday, but money makin' never rests.
So see your local or get online to make bets.

A day without a wager is a dirty shame.
So enjoy my take on three baseball games.

Cardinals -1.5 (-135)

The Houston Astros are beyond having a problem. In fact, they have "...boldly gone where no baseball team has gone before." A lonely place where even the family dog is depressed. A place so unlucky and lackluster that Captain Kirk stays away -- for fear of losing his mojo and ability to perform rambling, overly dramatic monologues. The Astros have lost seven of eight games. Right hander Bud "Please don't let me be the next Astros pitcher injured." Norris gets his first start. His opposition is fellow righty Adam Wainwright, who is 6-0 with a 1.91 ERA over his last seven starts against the Astros. Wainwright and the Cardinals defeated the Astros 11-2 on April 11th.

Padres -125

Sure the woeful squad from San Diego isn't going anywhere this season. However, the Brewers are playing such sissy baseball they might as well rename the team the Milwaukee Zimas or Milwaukee Wine Spritzers. The club has lost seven of the last ten games, mostly due to horrid pitching (7.97 ERA the last seven games). Today's Milwaukee hurler might just make any Brewer fan hurl, literally. In his first start, "promoted" reliever Carlos Villanueva gave up five runs and eight hits in four innings of an 8-3 loss...to the Washington Nationals.

Red Sox/Orioles Under 10 (... [More]