NFL Powerless Rankings: Week 4

Let's once again take a gander at the gutter of the gridiron.  *Disclaimer: Reading this article may cause die hard fans of any of these teams to experience one or more of the following conditions: blood boiling anger, the sudden compulsion to curse, and intense brooding...with tears, but only when left alone.

#23 - Indianapolis Colts
The bye week couldn't have come at a better time for the bruised and battered Colts.  The defense has allowed more than 180 yards rushing in all three games, and the once electric offense has only scored 52 points.  The result is a -15 point differential, making Indy a very sketchy bet to cover any point spread.

#24 - New York Jets
A predictable week one victory over the Dolphins was quickly overshadowed by a gutless game plan against the Patriots, and then a pathetic performance Monday night in San Diego.  In order for the Jets to start winning, the coaching staff must cater to Brett Favre's needs like a parent with his/her first child.  Facing Arizona at home this week, the line opened at -3 in favor of the Jets.  That number has quickly dipped to -1.5 or -1, no surprise given the offensive firepower of the Cardinals...and the suspect secondary of the Jets, which just gave up 250 passing yards to the Chargers.  The total is set at 45 points, with no movement as of this writing.

#25 - Seattle Seahawks
Don't think for a minute that Seattle is suddenly rising like the mythical Phoen... [More]

MNF Week 2: America's Team vs America's Bird

Saddle up and sharpen your spurs, Cowboys, because tonight's Monday Night meeting with the Eagles promises to be the first great test of what many sports pundits have termed a Super Bowl season.  With McNabb at QB, the Eagles are 10-5 against the Cowboys.  McNabb is healthy again, and the Eagles are screeching mad to make some noise in the NFC East race.  Romo's posse is equally ready to wrangle all football foes.

However, how much do we really know about both teams after one wildly convincing win against a much weaker opponent?  Plus, last year Dallas beat Philly by three touchdowns, only to lose at home later in the season, 10-6.  What I am trying to say is that, from a bettor's perspective, we have a clear conundrum predicting the winner of the spread...and the total.

As a rule, I never bet big on my favorite teams.  My gut tells me that the Cowboys cover the -7 late in the second half.  I also feel that the under is a great play.

However, even though the following plays mean I must revoke my Man card, I really like the winning potential of both teasers:

Cowboys -1
Cowboys Over 40.5

Eagles +13
Eagles Under 52.5

Enjoy the game, everyone!

Pigskin Picks and Prose: Week 2

Hello again, pigskin profiteers!  Week 2 in the NFL is full of promising payouts, and here are my plays:

Titans +1.5

I jumped on this one earlier in the week.  The bumbling Bengals should play better, but the Titan running game and defense will tame these timid tigers.  Also, backup QB Kerry Collins brings stability and experience to the position.  The Bengals will not be able to focus on strictly stopping the run. 

Panthers -3

I'm not sold on the Bears.  They beat a rusty Peyton Manning and an offensive line certainly weakened by the injury to Jeff Saturday.  The Panthers last play road win over the Chargers was the greater feat, and, overall, Carolina looks more like the real deal.

Giants -9.5

Although the Giants have not faced the Rams since 2005, they have won the last three meetings.  Plus, it seems the Rams have no problem wallowing in the shameful suckdom that was last season. 

Packers -3.5

Green Bay has won the last five meetings, and only once was the victory by three or fewer points.  I do not doubt the Lions offense will be more effective at home, but unless the defense follows suit the Packers should cover the number.  (The over, 46 or 46.5, also looks real good.)

Raiders +4

No, nobody held a gun to my head and forced me to do what most would call "foolish as hell."  I just feel this super talented team will rally together today, not ... [More]

NFL Powerless Rankings

Tired of NFL power rankings?  I’m beyond tired.  In fact, I’m so wide awake and perturbed about plain old NFL power rankings that I have created a weekly list that focuses on the ten weakest NFL teams.  The pitiful performance of these teams, if managed and manipulated properly, just might be profitable.

#23 – Houston Texans: Now don’t start stomping your cowboy boots and spitting tobacco at the computer monitor, Texans fans.  When multiple sports media organizations label you a sleeper team, the general public expects a better performance than a 38-17 loss.  The Texans welcome the surprising 1-0 Baltimore Ravens this week, and I fully expect Matt Schaub and company to bounce back and escape this list…hopefully for the rest of the season.

#24 – Miami Dolphins: Week one displayed the fire and leadership of new QB Chad Pennington, which should pay dividends as the season progresses.  This week, however, the Dolphins travel to Arizona.  I don’t want to upset The Tuna, but his team stands a very good chance of making this list next week.

#25 – Seattle Seahawks: The Seahawks played like a bird with both wings clipped, losing 34-10 to the upstart Buffalo Bills.  The porous offensive line allowed already hurting QB Matt Hasselbeck to be sacked five times, and the ... [More]

Pigskin Picks and Prose: Week 1

It's good to be back gentlemen gamblers and wagering women.  I wish I could say that my time away from my blog was due to something interesting, like a luxurious vacation, or an appearance on Wheel Of Fortune, or even alien abduction, but, sadly, I was simply working for the Man. 

Wagering in week one of the NFL can be as messy and clueless as Brittney Spears at the peak of an acid trip.  Preseason games show us very little of the team we can expect one month into the season, and relying on history and trends delivers scattered results.

And now, my week one picks:

Lions -3

The Falcons allowed an average of 127.1 rushing yards last season, and did not completely address that issue in the offseason.  As long as Mike Martz balances the impressive Lion aerial assault with running backs Kevin Smith and Rudi Johnson, Detroit should cover the spread easily.

Saints -3

New Orleans may be the only NFL team that nearly annualy receives an emotional and psychological boost from a natural disaster.  The Bucs won last season's series handily, but Drew Brees, determined to erase last year's abysmal performance from the memory of Saints fans, will have a strong debut.  In addition, though Bucs QB Jeff Garcia is talented and scrappy (And his wife is sooo hot!), WR Joey Galloway is not 100% healthy.

Titans +3

Jaguars QB David Garrard is worlds better than Vince Young, but today's matchup should come down to ... [More]

Obama's Secret Weapon: Three 6 Mafia

Winning sports wagering demands attention to every last detail and angle.  The same rule applies to winning the American presidency.  Sadly, most candidates are too busy and/or clueless to notice which celebrities and musicians support their campaign.  When Barack Obama becomes the next President of the United States, he may want to pen a thank you letter to the hip-hop group Three 6 Mafia.

At this moment a multitude of musically ignorant readers, no matter what political side they claim allegiance to, are falling over with laughter.  They ask themselves, "How can any rap group that uses the word "mafia" as part of their name be anything but a bad omen to the Obama camp."

First of all, Three 6 Mafia are more than just a bunch of hip-hop hedonists who spend more time in strip clubs than recording studios.  Three 6 Mafia actually won an Oscar for the endearing ditty "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp" from the film Hustle and Flow.  They may not have the songwriting genius of Bob Dylan, but they make rivals such as Lil' Jon look like musical morons.

The group currently has a song called "Lolli Lolli (Pop That Body) in heavy rotation over a number of popular radio formats.  This means that the song is played at least once every hour all over America.  Even though the song contains lyrical content that celebrates drugs, alcohol, strip clubs and sex, one line is guaranteed to catch any listener's attention: "Like Barack Obam... [More]

Take This Job And Shove It

Today America celebrates Labor Day.  According to the U.S. Department of Labor Web site (www.dol.gov), the holiday was created over 100 years ago as a "national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country."

Bravo, bravo, U.S. government!  Those words have me tingling with a pride in my work never felt before.  Perhaps I should get a third job to maximize my worker's pride.  I'm just dying to contribute more tax dollars to a failing economy!

Work sucks.  Show me a truly happy worker, and I'll bet that he or she is 1) the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, 2) an overpaid actor, 3) an overpaid professional athlete, or 4) mentally ill.

For the majority of Americans, Labor Day is only about sleeping in late, firing up the grill, and getting so hammered drunk that you can almost tolerate the rest of the work week.

But wait, I forgot one important byproduct of Labor Day culture that has grown and evolved since the holiday's inception -- televised sporting events.

So today my fellow underpaid, underappreciated laborers, in honor of the gluttony and greed that makes this nation great, I am wagering on an unprecedented five events, arranged in a courteous, chronological manner:

Brewers +102

Arguably the most risky play on my card, Ben Sheets and the Brewers beat Santana at Shea 5-3 in April.  The Mets are inconsistent winners, while the Brewers are 8-2... [More]