Cardinals Crush Colts!

Get your Arizona Cardinal bets in quick, ladies and degenerates, because the line will keep moving in Arizona's favor...and most likely end at -3.5 or -4.

Fade what you hear in the media, Peyton Manning is not Jesus Christ, and his offense are not the apostles. There is a reason that the final outcome of Monday night's game -- a win for the team that possessed the ball only 15 minutes -- has never happened before in league history. Because Jesus and the Rapture will be history before it ever happens again!

The Colts are good this year is like saying the 2-0 Denver Broncos will make the playoffs or the 2-0 New York Jets are Super Bowl bound. In other words, misguided media invention.

I'm not saying stray from your usual handicapping techniques, because the "lock' in sports betting is big fat myth -- even heavier than Santa Claus. However, if Peyton Manning pulls another lucky horseshoe out of his ten gallon hat come Sunday night, I'll be the first to blog ESPN or Twitter that I sincerely want Peyton to be a surrogate father for my third child. And I will rightly name my son... Jesus.

Serena Williams School of Sportsmanship

Tired of sportsmanship?

Tired of doing the right thing...and losing?

Welcome to the Serena Williams School of Sportsmanship.

Not only will you learn 100 ways to destroy a tennis racket, cursing like a sailor provides endless communication possibilities:

To the boss: "Give me a raise, or I'll shove this stapler down your m_____ f_____in' throat!"

To your child: "Behave, or I'll beat the f_____ out of you with this Dr. Seuss book!"

To the media: "I am m_____ f_____'in sorry for my outburst.  I forgot that so many little  _____itch ass kids look up to me."

And finally, remember this final Serena Williams quip:

"Winning isn't everything.  It's the only m_____ f_____in' thing."

Dodgers Run Line Rally Thread

I know...I know.

The chances of the Dodgers covering the -1.5 spread are about as realistic as Rush Limbaugh becoming a liberal.

But once in a while a two headed cat is born, so...

Life, Love, and Gambling

Kids have Christmas Day. Men have opening day of NFL football. I'm so geeked and giddy about opening day on the gridiron my wife just looked deep into my eyes and asked, "Where's my a---hole husband?" Here are a few predictions for your football funny bone:

Michael Vick joins Sarah McLachlan for the latest sappy ASPCA commercial. As McLachlan's "I Will Remember You" plays softly, Vick holds a three legged pit bull puppy wearing an Eagles jersey. Sarah smiles at his side. In her lap is a large tabby cat with an eyepatch. PETA members continue their crusade against Vick, stating, "We may be certifiably cuckoo, but at least we don't kill dogs."
After the Motor City Kitties begin the season a dismal 0-5, the commisioner grants Detroit a one touchdown handicap. Amazingly, the move fails, and they go on to lose every remaining game.
Tony Romo finally wins a playoff game, then promptly injures himself while celebrating in Costa Rica. Tony creates a diving board accident to explain his fractured hip, but the true story quickly comes out in the tabloids: New girlfriend, porn star Alexis Texas, coyly confirms her bubble butt is to blame. The Cowboys are then "bounced" from the playoffs in a loss to the Green Bay Packers.
Straight Bets
Bengals -5
Cowboys -5 1/2
Packers -4

Money Line Parlay
Falcons -200
Vikings -220
Colts -280
Giants -280
Seahawks -380

Five Team 7-Point Teaser
Ravens -6
Panthers +10
Jaguars +14[More]

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Life, Love, and Gambling

Some college football fans really need to get their heads examined. By now, everyone in your family knows about the tragic injury to last year's Heisman trophy winner, Oklahoma Sooner QB Sam Bradford. Well, alright, the family dog was too busy licking his loins, while the cat has never even truly cared about you.

I do feel sorry for Sam and Sooner fans everywhere, but the shocked and sorrowful faces in the stands Saturday night ought to be saved for real tragedy. For example, when the doctor says the cancer is inoperable and you have only months to live -- that's tragedy. Missing and exploited children -- that's tragedy. Science discovers that Nietzche was right all along, God is dead -- that's a world wide tragedy.

Cheer up, Sooner nation and crestfallen college football fans, for Sam Bradford will return in a few weeks. Besides, even if "the quarterback sack felt around the world" did not happen, the Sooners were not going to play in the BCS title game. The Oklahoma offense, especially the offensive line, performed disastrously different than a year ago. And the defense was hardly impressive, allowing over 300 yards passing. The Sooners simply did not look like the third best team in the nation. But, in fairness, very few teams are ranked accurately before the first snap of the season.

About a year ago a college football fan shot another man and his girlfriend only hours after a rivalry game didn't end as he wished. Of course, alcohol was involved. Ho... [More]

Life, Love, and Gambling

Guys can't watch women's professional tennis without at least one sexual fantasy. Alright, I suppose Pope Benedict XVI, the legally blind, and, of course, gay men everywhere are the exceptions. But tell me, honestly, even if you have only caught five minutes of US Open coverage, you have not found yourself thinking...

I'd like to play hide the salami with [insert bodacious tennis babe].

Even if the match is between two of the fuglier women of the WTP, you have to admit you have thought...

She's not Sharapova, but I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers.

Guys, it's a good thing that our tennis pro sexual fantasies will never come true, because sex with a professional tennis player is not the same as being the meat inside a Kim Kardashian/Scarlett Johansson sandwich. Imagine the horror of...

...Ana Ivanovic screaming, at the peak of orgasm, "Don't stop or I break you like a bad racket!"

...a sexually dissatisfied Caroline Wozniacki, hurling bedside books at speeds over 60 miles an hour. With a frenzied face normally reserved for a tough tennis match, she shouts, in Danish, "You fat American pig! You are hung like Gary Coleman! And your breath smells like bacon and cheap beer!"

...slowly gaining consciousness on the carpet of a fancy hotel room in New York City to find a buck naked Serena Williams staring down at you. "I'm sorry," she says. "I hate it when my tits really knock men out. I'll get some ice from room servic... [More]