Bob hasn't answered his cell phone for a few days, but as of May 10 his MLB record was
8-4. I don't want to disturb the wunderkind's dinner, so I think I'll try him again now:
(The phone rings several times, and then
Lil' Wayne's "Lollipop" begins.) (However, quite abruptly the cell phone is answered.)
Bob: What's the word, Serf?
Me: I'm calling for
MLB picks, Bob. But just let me get over the shock of the song preceding your voice mail. Lil' Wayne?
Bob: (laughter) Yeah, yeah. He says he's the greatest rapper of all time, so I called his punk ass and told him that I'm going to revise "Subterranean Homesick Blues," which I believe is the
first and
best "rap" song ever.
Me: Sounds like Willie Nelson left you an
herbal gift, but I applaud the decision Bob.
These sour times demand another "Subterranean Homesick Blues."Bob: Word, Serf. Hey, man, let me rap you my MLB picks. Jay-Z says I gotta practice if I want to beat weak-ass Lil' Wayne.
Me: Sure, Bob, go "Rapper's Delight" on me dog.
Bob: (wicked harmonica intro...then the stomping of cowboy boots on a hardwood floor)
Let's begin with the
Oakland Athletics (-106),
because good pitching and history says I should bet it.
Every rapper knows that verbs is the key,
and I like the pitching action of Royals' (-127) ace Greinke.
My man Kason Gabbard doesn't need to gab,
for his pitches do the talking, like knives they stab.
And even if we get another bench clearing brawl,
the Mariners' bullpen will be their downfall (Rangers +107).
And finally here's a three-team parlay...
Reds -165
Cubs -168
Red Sox -168
Remember, tell 'em Bob sent ya and have a nice day!
Bob: (more harmonica and boot stomping) (heavy breathing) So...Serf...what's...the...411?
Me: Damn, Bob, win or lose, you have some mad skills.
Best of luck, baseball fans!