I went to church on Sunday with my wife and kids, and felt scared as hell.

To explain, we honestly had not been to the local Catholic church in about three years. (Damn that alarm clock for never working properly on Sundays.)

I entered the church shaking and sweaty...and it truthfully wasn't from the night before. I timidly dipped two fingers in the holy water, half expecting them to catch afire.

The entire service I had this paranoid feeling that nearly every regular parishioner was staring at me and my family. I even imagined they were whispering, "I thought they were dead." Or perhaps the much worse, "I thought they moved to Mattoon," which is a highly blue-collar community just 12 miles away. At any rate, I hadn't felt so freaked out since the first time I dropped acid.

Luckily, my children were almost complete angels. The only disturbing event occurred shortly after the homily; my daughter, imitating a character from one of her favorite TV shows, uttered, "Evil! Evil!"

Here are tonight's plays, and I pray that a few are winners:

Marlins RL +115

Mets +112 (1.5 units)

White Sox -115

Giants -132

Bonus Over/Under Parlay (1.5 units)
Rays/Blue Jays Over 8
Cubs/Pirates Under 8
Giants/Cardinals Over 7.5
Rockies/Dodgers Over 8.5