The blame for all losses tonight falls squarely on Spongebob Squarepants, The Wizards of Waverly Place, and Jonas.

Allow me to explain. The weather in Chucktown today is oddly overcast and cool, so my children have spent the majority of time playing inside...and watching television, DVDs, and favorite DVR programs they have seen over 100 times. Like many new parents in this area, we attended a series of pre-birth Sunday educational classes entitled "Oh, Baby!" (I think they really should have called the course, "Oh My F--ing God, I'm Missing NFL Football!".) One thing the class forgot to mention about life after having children is the very, very, very frequent loss of concentration.

My wife did take the children to the pool this afternoon, but as I predicted, the joy was rather limited by the conditions. Something about cool temperatures, wind, and cloud cover makes swimming about as fun as an ice bath.

So today my MLB research was interrupted by...

• Spongebob Squarepants in the silly, sickening episode called "The Gift of Gum." It's Friend Day, and while Spongebob gives Patrick a nifty robot, Patrick gives Spongebob an enormous used ball of chewing gum. Laughter and puke, now that's what kids want from their cartoons!

• The Wizards of Waverly Place: Would Disney please stop finding and fostering such wise and beautiful talent. Not only does watching Selena Gomez make me feel like a creep, but I was almost moved to tears...because I wish I was twenty years younger!

• Jonas: The brothers can act, but the best part about this new series are irresistible pop songs guaranteed to turn anyone (of any age) into a Jonas Brothers humming zombie idiot. Don't believe me? Then you, my friend, have yet to hear "Pizza Girl."

Regardless of the strife and struggle, I hope you enjoy the following plays, ladies and degenerates. I did my best, but perhaps television, not money, is the root of all evil.

Red Sox -1.5 (+125)

It might be presumptious to count on a greatly improved performance from former Braves legend John Smoltz, but 1) Opposing Oriole pitcher Rich Hill has a 12.27 ERA in two starts at Camden Yards, and 2) If Smoltz struggles, the strong Red Sox bullpen (2.84 ERA), especially Jonathan Papelbon, should be able to cage the Baltimore Birds. Also, Boston has outscored Baltimore 34-14 in winning all five meetings this season.

Mariners +1.5 (+100)

I'm not exactly a Yankee hater, but I will admit to celebratory visions of kicking any old CEO in the nuts whenever an underdog beats them. The play is a longshot, what with the Yankee return of Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui, and home history on their side -- .348 batting average facing the Mariners, ERA of 2.75. However, last September, Mariners starter Brandon Morrow pitched very well in a 3-1 Seattle victory. The loss of Beltre is a rainy reality for Seattle, but Seattle is hitting .290 against right handed pitching...and New York's Joba Chamberlain is 0-2 with a 5.18 ERA at home.

Pirates +110

I'm not trying to stir the drunken spirit of Harry Caray, nor piss of drunken Cubs fans. Ozzy Guillen's recent quip about Wrigley Field, calling it a "bar," has already done that. Tonight's Pirates game commemorates the 100th anniversary of Forbes Field. Thirteen former Pirate greats will be in attendance. Cubs lefty ace Ted Lilly gets the start, hoping to improve after a horrible performance against the Detriot Tigers. Opposing righty Ross "Don't call me a dork!" Ohlendorf enters the game following a start in which he lasted seven innings, while only giving up two runs. Public bettors love the Cubs tonight, but I feel the Pirates will not be denied on such an historic evening. Pride. Passion. Pittsburgh Pirates.

Bonus Parlay (1.5 units)
Marlins -155
Indians -1.5 (+100)