It's Monday, a perfect day for an all-true strip club tale.

Our story begins on a mid-September evening a few years ago, in the town of Danville, Illinois. Everyone has a friend who, no matter what the original plans entailed, always has mischief on his or her mind. My friend in tomfoolery is Avontes, a hulking black man who most closely resembles Deebo from the movie Friday.

If you have never visited Danville, Illinois, consider yourself lucky. I don't mean to offend, but jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, Danville, Illinois is a real life version of a crappy city from any Grand Theft Auto video game. The town appeared desolate and dirty. The people I did see on the street were homeless, staggering drunks, gang members, hookers...or all four! We could not find one bar that made us feel comfortable, so by ten o' clock we found ourselves cruising around Dirty Danville in a black Escalade -- too lucid and downright depressed.

As always, Avontes had the cure.

The name of the strip club escapes me, but I believe it was a roadside joint in Lafayette, Indiana. After the hideous creatures I'd seen in Danville, I was fully prepared for a strip club full of skanks. Honestly, at that point in the evening I would have sat through a pole dance by a stripper with Elephant Man's Disease. But Avontes was quite familiar with the club, and assured me that the young ladies inside would not dissapoint...or induce vomiting.

And he was more than right. The place reminded me of the strip club in the David Lynch film Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. The atmosphere was surreal and every naked nymph was alluring. Within minutes we had a drink in our hands and tits in our face. One nubile goddess straddled her legs over my shoulders, and all kept thinking was, "Breathe, breathe, you idiot!" You see, this was the first strip club I had visited as a married man.

Two hours later, our libidos well satiated, we headed back to Georgetown to meet Mary, my wife, and Michelle. One little problem: Avontes never told Michelle he planned to visit the strip club. On the drive home we practiced our story and put our game faces on.

I used the bathroom as Avontes spoke to Michelle.
"We went bar hopping in Danville, baby..." I heard him say.
I dried my hands and noticed things had become quiet.
Then, suddenly, Michelle asked loud and clear,"Where did the glitter come from?"
"What?" Avontes responded.
"The glitter. You have stripper glitter all over your forehead."

I quickly checked my forehead in the bathroom mirror, and discovered that I too had a not-so-dazzling display of stripper glitter. Even with warm water and soap, the stuff failed to vanish much. "What the f*%ck," I thought. "Do strippers have to use Lava?"

Whether at home or in the club, have a happy Monday!

MLB Straight Plays
Detroit/Texas Under 9.5 (-115)
Phillies -115
Nationals +142
Indians +135

MLB Parlay
Rockies -158 and Orioles -160