You know times are tough when even chain restaurants are desperate for customers.

It seems the local Little Caesar's pizza has created a new position, perfect for any dimbulb or employee with severe Attention Deficit Disorder. I like to call this new position The Psycho Sidewalk Advert Person. It is the cheesy duty of the PSAP to 1) Wear a costume so shockingly idiotic that no passing driver dare ignore them. 2) Act like an alcoholic circus clown at the peak of a whiskey bender. 3) Strike "cool" rock star poses with a cardboard cutout Little Caesar's guitar. It is my sincerest fantasy to walk up to the PSAP of the day, steal his or her guitar, pretend to play like Pete Townsend of The Who, and then bash the cardboard instrument with maximum ferocity against the sidewalk.

Perhaps my fantasy seems cruel. Perhaps I needed anger management years ago. But before you judge me, please envision the near future of the PSAP:

• Grimace or Hamburglar strutting up and down the sidewalk in front of McDonald's.

• Colonel Sanders waving an extra crispy drumstick at passing motorists.

• Taco Bell employees parading around the parking lot in a chihuahua costume.

• And don't forget the introduction of the Long John Silver's giant battered fish nugget costume, which, due to chicken nugget confusion, quickly changes to a disturbingly accurate giant cod costume.

Tonight's tasty MLB wagers contain a few honest selling points, but no foolish adverts.

Yankees -1.5 (+105)

A few days ago I played the Yankees on the run line, and said if I lost I'd punish myself with a gnarly tasting shot on my next visit to Roc's Blackfront. The Yankees then lost 6-4 to the Athletics. I won't have time for Roc's until next week, but I have no plans to suffer the shot pain that is Three Wise Men times two. It is true that Sabathia struggled against the Rays at home -- losing 9-7 to opposing pitcher David Price on June 6th. However, the Yankees are a volcanic 9-1 the last ten games. And Rays lefty Scott Kazmir has lost his sting; his recent home record is 1-3 with a 9.50 ERA, and he has only gone six innings the last two starts. The Yankee bats were strong and relentless last night in an 11-4 rampage on the Rays. New York plated eight runs from innings six through nine.

Nationals/Brewers Over 10 (-120)

This righty/righty matchup should seem more like a ping-pong game than major league baseball. The Nationals and quality pitching go together like oil and water. And tonight's Brew Crew starter, Carlos Villanueva, is 2-5 at home with an ERA of 10.71. What's arguably worse for the Men of Malt is a bullpen with an appaling ERA of 6.94.

Astros +100

History may favor the suddenly competitive Cubbies, but I like Roy Oswalt (0.82 WHIP and 2.86 ERA) and the Astros bats (.288 versus RHP). Besides, how can the sports media knuckleheads label the Cubs "hot" when six of the last ten wins were against the Nationals and Reds?

Profit or Perish Parlay
Braves -128 and Rockies -132

Have a positively profitable evening, everyone!