I think my old fart neighbor, Chuck, is bionic. Half old man. Half machine. He walks two miles before sunrise...and another two or three before the sun sets. He mows his lawn...and mine! Last week he felled a tree in his back yard, and then spent the rest of the afternoon sawing limbs. And Chuck doesn't hang out at McDonald's to drink coffee, reminesce, and wait for Death like every other elderly person in Charleston, Illinois. Instead, he grabs a Subway sandwich and motors away in his red truck. Altogether, he makes Shaft look like a sissy.

I knew he was a tough old bird from the get go. The day we moved in, Chuck shook my hand rather firmly and said, "My name is Chuck. My wife died last week." He did not appear to be in mourning at all. His tone was ho-hum, as if the tragic event was something trivial as fallen limbs after a thunderstorm. Pick the ugly stuff up and move on. That's the Chuck way.

Yesterday he gave me the stink eye from his patio with a steely gaze that was part Gran Torino Clint Eastwood part Terminator 2 -- with or without the phony human flesh. I almost wet my khaki shorts.

I've tried to be friendly. My wife even baked a couple of pies. Nothing works. It's probably the huge generational gap. But maybe, just maybe, Chuck, who is retired U.S. Air Force, is really an experimental cyborg. If I can ever catch him after dark, I plan to man up and look him square in the eyes. Who knows, I just might find the red glowing eyes of a cold yet productive genius geriatric invention.

And now tonight's MLB plays...

Tigers/Rangers Under 8.5 (-120)

Following trends is often a foolish way to wager, but I simply can't ignore how the "under" is all over this event. Detroit's Verlander has a 1.13 WHIP and a 0.78 ERA, while the Ranger's Feldman has a WHIP of 0.97 and an ERA of 2.18. In two home wins this year, Detroit and Verlander prevailed, with a final run tally of eight or less.

Phillies -1.5 (-110)

Phillies starter J.A. Happ (1.10 WHIP and 2.70 ERA) fell from grace a bit last week after losing 8-1 to the surging St. Louis Cardinals. Barring another poor outing, Happ and the super hot Phillies should cover the spread easily. D-Backs RHP Yusmeiro Petit is 0-7 with an 8.14 ERA over his last 11 starts; in four relief appearances against the Phillies he has a 15.88 ERA.

Nationals/Brewers Over 10 (-110)

The Nationals have scored 38 runs in four straight victories. The bumbling Brew Crew has a good chance at lively bats tonight, for they face Washington right hander Garret "Smelly Sock" Mock. Mock currently owns a dreadful WHIP of 2.31 and an ERA of 7.27. Current lines heavily favor the Brewers, but only the point spread has any value (-105). And Brewer backers best beware the bullpen...a miserable 7.48 ERA over the last three games.

Good luck tonight, everyone! And remember, stay human!