Everything but the attractions was amusing and/or nauseating about this year's Coles County Fair. The following observations may seem familiar to you. Isn't it great to know that someone feels your pain.

• After spending $75 in less than one hour, it occurred to me that the money wasted could have been used much more wisely. Both Holiday World and Six Flags have more dynamite attractions for the dollar. Or I could have deposited the money in the kids college fund, and then taken them to the library for an hour. And though it sounds uncouth, we could have gone to the bar. Roc's Blackfront has a bountiful salad bar for my wife, a variety of beer and liquor for me, and those wonderful adult arcade machines that provide endless amusement for children.

• I used to think that the local Wal-Mart was the best place to witness the melting pot that is our great country. I was horribly wrong. Like most Midwestern fairs, the Coles County Fair does attract a greater number of - to be politically correct - financially challenged individuals. If these simple folk had the smarts to know how funny they looked and acted, they would all be rich and famous comedians. In other words, we would have thousands of Larry The Cable Guy(s). Yet, I spotted rich people, even though they looked a little lost and somewhat disgusted. I saw black people, and once again learned they might just be the loudest, most frank speaking race on the planet. And I met many Hispanics...who took my tickets as I entered each attraction.

• Finally, I met the woman I would most likely sleep with if I wasn't married. My mistress in waiting is a psychic. She looked like Salma Hayek, only more petite. She wore a dated dress that looked as if it were designed by Pablo Picasso. Her skin was the color of coffee with just the right amount of cream. She offered palm readings, tarot cards, and three questions. However, I didn't have the courage to seek her services. What if I get a huge boner? I thought. What if I choose "three questions" and ask her for a date. In hindsight, a mistress who is truly psychic is probably a bad idea. She would be impossible to deceive.

The following bets are arranged in order of confidence. Enjoy tonight's MLB plays, and don't forget the fair when it comes to your town!

Yankees/White Sox Under 10.5 (-120)

The 'under' is 20-15 in night Yankee games. The White Sox have an 'under' record of 18-9 when playing home games at night. The Yankees are batting .292 versus left handed pitching, but Sox lefty Clayton Richard is coming off two straight starts where he lasted eight innings and only gave up one earned run.

Rockies -1.5 (+105)

Colorado went 5-1 versus the Reds last year, scoring an average of 6.5 runs in those meetings. Rockies starter Aaron Cook has won five straight road starts to earn a 1.29 ERA.

Rangers -1.5 (+110)

As long as Texas starter Vicente Padilla is no longer feeling the effects of swine flu, the Rangers, 4-0 against the Mariners in Arlington, should prevail easily. In four home meetings this year, the Rangers have outscored the Mariners 23-9. Seattle is slumping, currently batting .220. Conversely, Texas is in an upswing, winning four of their last five games.

Cubs -120

Most Cubs bettors probably feel much more confident about the clubs chances tonight than I do. My caution comes from Rich Harden's previous start against Florida on May 1st, in which he gave up five runs in 3 2/3rds innings. Plus, I think I might be a Cubs "cooler," for whenever I wager on Chicago I lose.

The Friday Four-Play Parlay
Braves -180
Cardinals -180
Rangers -166
Rockies -150