I've been thinking about guns lately.

Don't worry, I have no plans of posting a goodbye blog on Covers and then committing a bizarre murder/suicide over unrequited love, questionable firing, or because the punk cook at McDonald's gave me extra onions when I asked for no onions.

In fact, the only guns I own shoot water. And they are hidden better than a stack of cash, for the children like to shoot themselves...and the cat...inside the house.

Writing about Plaxico Burress gave me an itchy trigger finger, so to speak. I began to think about America's love for guns, and all the terrible things, intended and accidental, that happen when guns are involved. Defending yourself, your family, and your property is understandable. But in America, a land of "fast food" solutions and zero accountability, guns are the last thing some citizens should own. Honestly, and maybe I'm too Lewis Black darkly comic when I write this, the Plaxico Burress incident makes me laugh -- every time. However, most gun tales end in violence, senseless death, and pools of blood.   

Chris Rock jokes that if the cost of bullets was insanely high, gun use and violence could be prevented.

With bullets on the brain, and the attitude that every American, even Plaxico Burress, should retain the right of gun ownership, I came up with the following scatalogical solution. Don't pack heat, pack poop. That's right, feces. These guns and rifles shall look just like the real thing, but they only fire burstable poop pellets.

With a plethora of poop on this planet, human and animal, gun owners can choose from a wide variety of vile smelling waste for any occasion. Wife sleeping around, but you really don't want to spend the rest of your life in jail? Cover her cheating face with cat diarrhea! Didn't get that promotion because of the platinum blonde with the plastic boobs? No problem. Shoot your boss in the crotch with a little Toddler #2!

And now that you are thoroughly disgusted to the point of gagging, here are my Monday MLB plays:

Rays -135

Reds/Cardinals Over 8.5 (-115)

Tigers -110

Mariners +110