My son has a drinking problem. Only a toddler, and already he needs AA, Apple Juice Anonymous. He consumes five or six sippy cups of 100% apple juice a day, not once thinking about the risks -- poor teeth, a soggy diaper, Vitamin C overdose, and a Juicy Juice addiction certain to become a Capri-Sun calamity. He wakes two or three times a night, and, as if in the grasp of deep emotional tragedy, cries out, "Juiceee...Juiceee...Juiceee!" I love beer, but not once have I tossed and turned in the middle of the night, muttering, "Budweiser...Budweiser." My son has it real bad.

I thought I read somewhere that breast feeding helps prevent such behavior, but it seems that Dr. Spock is a lying bastard. Think about it guys, all those times I suffered in envy as my son suckled my wife's magnificent mammaries, it could have been my mouth!

Seriously though, with so many toothless and ruthless people roaming the streets of Charleston, Illinois, my wife and I are working hard to help our son beat his addiction. Each night we dilute the apple juice with greater amounts of water. Recently, however, he relapsed. Perhaps on to our ruse, he repeatedly refused his Cars sippy cup full of watered down apple juice. He then tossed it angrily to the floor and burst into tears. I sympathized with the boy, for I would feel similar disgust and anger if my favorite beer, Budweiser, were replaced by the watery Miller Genuine Draft 64. Call us "enablers" for eventually giving in, but we were taught that letting a child cry for longer than 15 minutes was child abuse.

Like recovery from any addiction under the sun and moon, we know only time, courage, and willpower can lead our son down the path of purification. We only expect baby steps. A word of advice: No addiction is too small or trivial. Today my son is jonesing for apple juice, but tomorrow it might be McDonald's, an icy mug of beer, marijuana, or even gambling. 

Sorry betting days like yesterday remind me of why I don't gamble for a living. My affinity for the dogs that follow is not a sign of madness. I feel that each team has more than a barking chance.

Athletics +160

Including yesterday's 9-1 beat down, the A's are 4-0 against the Orioles this season...and 9-0 in as many meetings. Although A's starter Trevor "Crash" Cahill has a 9.37 ERA over his last three starts, he yielded just two runs over six innings in a 9-4 victory over Baltimore on June 6th. Also, the A's lively lineup has averaged 6.7 runs in winning six of the last eight games. And Orioles RHP David Hernandez does nothing to give my bet pause: He has lost his last two starts, never pitching beyond the fourth inning. In addition, the A's bullpen has been strong over the last three games (1.43 ERA), while the Orioles bullpen (5.64 ERA) has been strictly for the birds.

Nationals +166

Go ahead, laugh like a hyena. Done now? The Nationals have won eight straight games, scoring an average of 7.1 runs while relievers worked hard to amass a glowing ERA of 2.31. The Nationals lineup is batting .314 versus right handed pitching, and tonight faces Braves righty Tommy Hanson, whom they beat 5-3 on July 4th. Hanson is 2-2 with a 4.35 ERA over his last four starts, while Nats lefty John Lannan is 6-3 with an ERA of 2.80 since June. With a road record of 14-39, the Nationals +1.5 (-120) may turn out to be the smarter play. However, what is gambling without taking a risk on a worthy dog now and then?

The Over Easy Parlay
Mets/D-backs Over 9 (-115) and Rays/Angels Over 10 (-110)

Have a glorious gambling evening, degenerates. And remember, everything in moderation...except peace, love, and happiness!