Some dreams are nightmarish in how they reflect upon one's pathetic existence in the light of day.

On vacation from my job as a community college instructor, I have watched hours of television -- some programs dusted off from the DVR, where they had been stored for months. So I'm not surprised that last night a television show very frequently on in my home invaded my dreams. I wish I could say that I dreamed I was Bill from True Blood, and that Sookie, played by a very phat Anna Paquin, was vamping it up in my bed. However, the reality of the dream involved two of Disney television's most popular male stars, Cole and Dylan Sprouse from The Suite Life and The Suite Life on Deck.

Laugh now, ladies and degenerates, because once you have children you will never dream the same way again.

To summarize last night's Disney channel dippy dream, the Sprouse twins (or Zach and Cody) had taken their act on the road, staging sketches lifted straight from episodes of their TV shows. My wife and I were seated in an unfamiliar auditorium...seated so high that the show was simply unwatchable. Imagine watching a Broadway play from the nosebleed seats of your favorite sports stadium. Suddenly, everyone in my section staged a revolt -- shouting, screaming, and hurling balled up programs at the tween actors far, far below. The next thing I know, the Disney duo is graciously performing an up close and personal aftershow for all us unfortunate "nosebleeders." And afterwards they even signed autographs and made small talk.

"To sleep, perchance to dream - " says Hamlet in Shakespeare's famous "To be or not to be" soliloquy. I have yet to reach the anguish of Hamlet, but if more of my dreams are invaded by children's TV programs, I'm taking the kids to the library much more often. For example, can you imagine the horror of dreaming about Yo! Gabba! Gabba! Then again, maybe I'll get lucky and dream about having sex with the lavender clad Latino lovely that hosts the PBS Kids morning lineup. Va! Va! Voom!

Although my recent MLB picks have been a nightmare, a new week brings another opportunity to, as Will Ferrell says in Old School, "Go streaking!"

Brewers ML -120

Having faith in a team that is only 5-5 the last ten games is like trusting a nymphomaniac girlfriend to stay faithful while you are away on an overnight business trip. Seriously risky. However, even though the Brewers have been playing more like Natural Light than Samuel Adams, tonight they face a Pirates teams that has won just once in the last ten games. In four straight losses the Pirates have scored just four runs; the Brewers have plated 34 runs in winning three of four games. Former Cubs starter Kevin "A Hitter's Best Friend" Hart takes the mound for Pittsburgh. Hart's latest anti-heroics resulted in an 8-0 loss to the Colorado Rockies. Former reliever Carlos Villanueva (0-2, 4.95 ERA) gets the start for Milwaukee. This Carlos is certainly no Zambrano, but he does hold a 2.10 ERA in 13 career appearances against the Pirates.

Angels ML -110

For a team as hot as the Angels to be priced so favorably gives me great pause. Perhaps the line has a lot to do with what happened to tonight's Angels starter, Ervin Santana, on July 3rd against David Hernandez, tonight's Orioles pitcher. Baltimore won that battle 6-4, and Santana gave up six runs over five innings. Also, Santana is 0-1 with a 6.75 ERA at Camden Yards. However, even if Ervin's pitching is laughably imperfect, the Angels heavenly offense, batting an MLB best .295 versus right handed pitching, should prevail. In addition, the Halos may have arguably their most dangerous slugger back in the lineup, as Vlad Guerrero hopes to rejoin the team.

Two-Team Parlay
St. Louis Cardinals ML -160 and Texas Rangers ML -135

May your Monday be monetarily magical, everyone!