So I went to divorce court Wednesday, and a giddy bender followed. People keep telling me to wipe that sh!t eating grin off of my face, but they don't understand the pleasure in pondering all the things that change when one is freshly unwed...
- Unless a lady friend is visiting, I no longer have to put the toilet seat down.
- Dirty laundry can be tossed anywhere without objection, and may just stay put until the winter ground thaws.
- More room in the refrigerator for beverages that really matter. Less milk, no apple juice, and loads of beer.
- Neighbors? The guy down the hall could be the next Jeffrey Dahmer and I could care less. Previously, I had to engage in staged conversations like, "Wow, your lawn is looking great. How did it get so...green."
- I no longer have to watch my daughter's favorite shows, Hannah Montana and I-Carly, for hours on end. This is a very good thing, because call me perverted if you like, but Miley Cyrus and Miranda Cosgrove will surely be spank material...once they are legal.
- When the working day is done, I can do whatever the hell I like. I can swiftly lose the monkey suit, crack open a beer, and turn on ESPN. Or I could keep the monkey suit on and drive to the new strip club in Neoga, Illinois.
- And perhaps the greatest advantage is being able to handicap and gamble without distractions like, "Take out the garbage," or "How do I broil steaks," or "Your daughter needs to learn how to color inside the lines."
I could go on and on, but then I would seem like your chatterbox spouse or girlfriend.
Here are a few plays to celebrate my freedom:
Virginia Tech +115Five Team 5-Point TeaserFlorida +13Maryland +9.5St. Joseph's +12Virginia Tech +7.5Virginia +13.5Rock and roll, ladies and degenerates!