Last night I wagered on a woman...figuratively, of course. You see, I had never said to a bartender, "I'd like to buy that woman over there...the one in _______ a drink. I'd witnessed the scene in movies and on television, but I always found the act overly dramatic and cheesy.

I was near the end of an extra-dirty Bombay-Sapphire gin martini, when I glanced to my right and saw a beautiful young lady at the end of the bar drinking a dirty martini as well. Two friends were in tow, and not a boyfriend was in sight. And what jazzed me even more was she kept looking my way. Of course, I'm no idiot, she could have been looking at the men sitting next to me. However, the guys next to me were old, wrinkled, and probably married.

So after ordering my next drink, a Bombay gin and tonic, I said to the bartender, "And I'd like to buy that girl down there in the purple shirt her next drink."

Before the drink ever arrived, a young, hip, bearded dude shows up and sits right next to my wager. He looked like a cross between a lumberjack and a Pearl Jam fan in his red and black plaid flannel shirt. He swiftly engaged her in conversation, and all I could think was, "That money would have been better wasted on Saturday college basketball." I also imagined getting pummeled by an Eddie Vedder look-a-like.

Later in the evening, the lumberjack left, so I approached the young lady in purple and introduced myself. I learned she is a history major. She does not like kids. And the axe man is only her friend.

Nothing else happened, so I consider my wager a push.

And now for today's college basketball plays...

Straight Bets
Kentucky -3
Pittsburgh -2 (*wussed out and bought half a point)

Five Team 5-point Teaser
Baylor +0.5
Bradley +13
Wake Forest -2
Notre Dame +15.5
SIU +12.5

Seven Team 5-point Teaser
Maryland +6.5
Minnesota +7.5
Ole Miss +6.5
Princeton -0.5
USF -0.5
Appalachian State -3
VCU +11.5

Good luck today, ladies and degenerates. And remember, if you want strong drinks, always tip your bartender well.