Guys can't watch women's professional tennis without at least one sexual fantasy. Alright, I suppose Pope Benedict XVI, the legally blind, and, of course, gay men everywhere are the exceptions. But tell me, honestly, even if you have only caught five minutes of US Open coverage, you have not found yourself thinking...

I'd like to play hide the salami with [insert bodacious tennis babe].

Even if the match is between two of the fuglier women of the WTP, you have to admit you have thought...

She's not Sharapova, but I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers.

Guys, it's a good thing that our tennis pro sexual fantasies will never come true, because sex with a professional tennis player is not the same as being the meat inside a Kim Kardashian/Scarlett Johansson sandwich. Imagine the horror of...

...Ana Ivanovic screaming, at the peak of orgasm, "Don't stop or I break you like a bad racket!"

...a sexually dissatisfied Caroline Wozniacki, hurling bedside books at speeds over 60 miles an hour. With a frenzied face normally reserved for a tough tennis match, she shouts, in Danish, "You fat American pig! You are hung like Gary Coleman! And your breath smells like bacon and cheap beer!"

...slowly gaining consciousness on the carpet of a fancy hotel room in New York City to find a buck naked Serena Williams staring down at you. "I'm sorry," she says. "I hate it when my tits really knock men out. I'll get some ice from room service, because that eye is...well, " she laughs "...blacker than me."

In other words, you red-blooded horny degenerates, be careful what you wish for. It just might injure your manhood or hurt your pride. And the libido will cower in a deep, dark corner of your mind, patiently waiting for Internet porn or the next issue of Playboy. Any fantasy material safer than women's professional tennis.

Today, like many of you, I won't catch even one serve or volley from the US Open. Because today is the first Saturday dominated by college football.

Akron +29 1/2

The Nittany Lions are simply getting too many points against an Akron team returning 15 starters from last season. Who is Daryll Clark going to throw to, himself?

Nevada +14 1/2

I never laughed harder than when I heard former Notre Dame coaching legend turned ESPN analyst Lou Holtz say that the Fighting Irish will play for the BCS national title. The Irish should win today, but the Wolf Pack won't be playing with their tails between their legs. Nevada QB Colin Kaepernick said, "We're not going to Notre Dame just to be competitive and keep it close. We're going there to win."

Illinois -7

Sure, the game is being played in St. Louis, but I like the Illini defense to make new Missouri QB Blaine Gabbert see orange all day.

Oklahoma State -5

I like the at-home Cowboys to quiet the naysayers today. Besides, just thinking about coach Mike Gundy's "I'm a man! I'm 40!" classic college football tirade from last season makes me love his team that much more.

Best of luck, everyone!