2nd Half Forethoughts

Nothing like having to work on Saturday to return home to possibly the most craptastic first half of playoff football ever!

In the second half I am leaning on the

Colts (unless the number is greater than -7)

and

Over (unless the number is greater than 24)

Jets QB Mark "Dirty" Sanchez has a notoriously horrid 2nd half QB rating (and he has barely hit 50% of his passes as I scribe this).

As far as the over play, I expect both defenses to tire a tad, both offenses to make adjustments, and Roger Goodel to make a call demanding offensive football -- for all those people, like me, who had to work all day, and would rather watch football than a homoerotic MMA wrestling/floor match.

Life, Love, and Gambling

Not every day does a coworker say, "So I killed an opposum in my yard...with a bat...one swing."

Granted, it wasn't as shocking as if George Clooney revealed he likes going to the ballet, but this possum killing coworker is a jam band, peace loving, marijuana smoking, truly great friend. He's the last guy one would expect to display Jeffrey Dahmer like behavior.

He then added a story about a summer night when he left the front door open for a breeze...only to welcome a good many bats. And these bats then became "home runs" off of his killing bat.

Here's hoping that everyone slays the books today!

Bengals +7 (+100(

Titans -3 (-120)

Seahawks -5 (-115)

Cowboys +5.5 (-105)

7-Point Teaser
Packers -2.5
Bears/Lions Over 37
Giants
Chiefs -2.5
Bills/Vikings Over 37

Sick Vick Defeats 7-1 Murr Funyons...and Many More

If you play fantasy football, AND, like me, own Michael Vick, give your dog a hug....Hell, kiss the cat. In fact, show love to every pet you own, with exception to scorpions, tarantulas, and every other un-huggable, un-kissable critter you might own.

I need 36 fantasy points from Vick to beat my opponent, and at the half he has 40. As long as Mike does not throw a bonehead interception (pun intended), fantasy football Vicktory shall be mine!

I know that the Washington Foreskins pass defense is near last in the league, but Vick is doggone good this year, no matter what defense he faces.

If the Eagles reach the NFC championship, Vick gets my vote for NFL Most Valuable Player.

If I were Jerry Jones,

...here is what I would do to restore faith in Dallas Cowboy fans, and recoup money lost by the most despicable Dallas team since Troy Aikman's rookie 1-15 season.

First of all....

Crap, ESPN's "breaking news that we all expected anyway" beat me to it. Derrr, Cowboy coach Wade Phillips has joined the already bloated (weight pun intended) American unemployment line. Coaches never play the game, because, if so, TV viewers would witness more heart attacks and gruesome Joe Theisman-esque broken bone replays than even an ER veteran would care to see. However, the head coach, like a parent or teacher is responsible for creating an atmosphere of respect, discipline, motivation, and, yes, even love and devotion...without the part where two people kiss and have intercourse. Wade Phillips, though coaching over-paid, pampered professional football players, has truly failed as a head coach.

Unless the Jason Garrett experience proves to be revolutionary as the Jimi Hendrix Experience, Mr. Jones will surely look elsewhere for a new Cowboy coach. The thing is, he already tried the hard-ass coaching approach with Bill Parcells, and that had mediocre results. I'd love to see Jerry Jones coach the team, because players would give a damn just a slight bit more with the guy signing the paycheck nervously pacing the sideline. Of course, the NFLPA might have a problem with Jerry holding a cattle gun in his left hand and a .357 Magnum, on safety, of course, in his right hand.[More]

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Me, In-Game

Happy Sunday, ladies and degenerates! In just minutes my children arrive for a surprise visit; my ex-wife is getting married today, and is all but doctor-assured that she is pregnant. Truth is always stranger than fiction.

I can't call it a shotgun wedding, because, in all honesty, they were destined to be together. Although both children were baptized in the Catholic church, she's heavily Christian, and he's so heavily Christian he even listens to Christian heavy metal and Christian death metal...which, I guess should really be called Christian Lazarus metal. Both believe in consistent but fair child discipline. Neither of them drink or do drugs. Apart from an Oreo addiction, the stepfather is into health and fitness, which has made a visible difference on my ex. In other words, this cat is everything I never was or ever hope to be.

Observations at 1:40 p.m....

Thanks to Hakeem Nicks and Mercedes Lewis, the only thing preventing me from winning my ESPN fantasy football matchup (Chucktown Antiheroes) is if 1) Drew Brees gets injured in the first quarter, or 2) Drew Brees gets abducted by an alien football team with a quarterback worse than Casey Clausen.

The Lions appear poised to finally win a game, in large part due to the efforts of QB Shaun Hill.

The Chiefs defense has held the Colts to three field goals. (Please say it out loud as many times as it takes you to believe it.).

Will the Texans ever learn to play defense?

Will... [More]

Randy Moss Fantasy Football Thread

Randy better get me some yards...and at least one touchdown...in the second half, or I'm going to seriously think about trading him. I know the game plan calls for slowing down the game to prevent another New England secondary meltdown, but at some point Brady should be able to connect with Moss deep.

0-2 Cowboys To Win NFC East

The Dallas Cowboys will win the NFC East division.

I'm not crazy, nor do I have a brain tumor the size of a Heidi Montag breast implant..

The Cowboys simply lost two winnable games. Games decided by a touchdown or less. Games hurt by early season penaltys and bad offensive play calling.

How did the NFC East competition do today?

The Redskins allow Texans QB Matt Schaub to throw for 497 yards and three touchdowns in a 30-27 OT victory.

The visiting Eagles squeaked by, ready for it, the Detroit Lions 35-32.

And just minutes ago, the New York Midgets lost 38-14 on the road against the Indianapolis Colts.

I know that right now the Cowboys look like a group that couldn't even rope a three-legged calf, but something tells me...

Super Bowl or Toilet Bowl?

At 0-2, which team has the better chance of making the playoffs and possibly the Super Bowl, the Dallas Cowboys or Minnesota Vikings?

I think that even if the Dallas Cowboys, who next travel to face the Texans, enter their bye week at 0-3, they still have a better shot at the playoffs...and even a home Super Bowl. I admit it clearly appears that the Cowboys dismal preseason play has carried over to the first two regular season games. However, 1) this week Jerry Jones will bring a red-hot cattle branding iron to each practice, and 2) metaphorically kick offensive coordinator, Jason Garret, square in the nuts with the tip of his snakeskin boots. It's tough to make anyone believe that millionaire football players give a damn about winning games, but in Texas, besides Jesus Christ and family, football, at EVERY level, is the most important thing.

Brett Favre will someday be a first ballot NFL Hall of Fame quarterback. But through two games of his swan song season (yeah, right), the only thing Favre has been good at is pissing off Minnesota Vikings fans. I shouldn't laugh, because Texas residents who love the Cowboys also have a distinct vocal accent. But damn, it's funny imagining Minnesota accent laced expletives hurled at Brett Favre. Plus, I am sure that more than one fan has cracked  their official Viking viking helmet against the floor, the wall, or on the counter of their favorite bar. I would like to think that Brett Favre's problems are simply linked to... [More]

Fool's Gold

The 49ers are the biggest bust of week one. Alex Smith will never improve, Frank Gore has seriously digressed, and if San Francisco can't even stop the Seahawk defense, how do they plan to end up above .500 on the year.

As punishment, I hope Mike Singletary makes his team watch the 1985 Chicago Bears "Super Bowl Shuffle" music video until they tear up and their ears bleed.