The Joe Buck Indigestion Thread

Not even one quarter into the game, and Joe Buck's condescending Cowboy nature has given me indigestion.

Hey Joe, your warm cup of _____t the _____ck up is ready!

Before The Tryptophan Takes Hold...

...I must state my mid day picks.

Cowboys -12

While it's true that the most points the Seahags have lost by over the last three games is six (Arizona at home), the last two meetings against NFC East foes (Eagles and New York Giants) resulted in losses by 19 and 38 points.  Plus I can't imagine a greater scenario to avenge the embarrassing playoff loss to Seattle.

Seahawks@Cowboys Over 46.5

Although the opening total line of 48 has dropped by two points nearly everywhere, I'm sticking with the over.  The Cowboys defense, while seemingly inspired by the return of QB Tony Romo, has not shut out an opponent all season long.  In fact, as seen in last week's 49ers game, the squad often allows opponents to get back in the game in the second half.

Bonus NCAA Basketball Play

Wake Forest -13

Even if Wake trails by five points at the half, they cover the lucky thirteen points.  Wake is a second half machine!

Good luck this afternoon, everyone!

Thank you Covers!  Thanks Covers bloggers!  Now let's gobble up the books today!

A Message From Jerry Jones

(Bob Costas completes yet another Emmy winning monologue, and then the Football Night In America bumper plays for about ten seconds.  But then, instead of a commercial for the new Ford F-150 or Bud Light, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones appears, live from the center of the star at Texas stadium.)

Good evening, Cowboy fans. 

Tonight is the most important Cowboy game of the season.  You know it.  I know it.  The players, all who were branded with a hot iron in a teamwork exercise this week, they most certainly know it.

Because money has solved nearly every problem in my life, both personal and professional, I have little faith in the supernatural or superstitious.  However, I plead with each and every Cowboy fan to provide a collective Cowboy team spirit as bright and hot as the sun.  In other words, get your cheer on!  And if that spirit means that you have to wear a lucky Troy Aikman jersey stained with buffalo wing sauce and nacho cheese, go right ahead.  If that spirit means you must toss your toddler up in the air three times every time the Cowboys do something good, great.  (But please watch out for the ceiling.)  And if that spirit means you must consume mass quantities of alcohol, please do not drink and drive....And hide any and all objects within a thirty foot radius of the television -- except for the remote control and your significant other.  Breaking the remote control is a minor irrit... [More]

Bob's Book Bashing Boogie

Tonight's ticket is a tuneful treat from the greatest living songwriter in the known universe, Bob Dylan.  You see, unknown to most people, Bob is an avid sports fan...and regular gambler.  Unreachable for months while touring, recording, and making mischief, I finally got him to answer his cell phone:

Bob: Hey.

KS: Bob!  Bob!  It's KingSerf.

Bob: (Over very, very loud heavy metal music.) King who?  What country?

KS: Turn the music down, Bob!

Bob: (shouting) Down about what, man?  Just do like Jay-Z and "brush that dirt off your shoulder."  Do you copy, brother?

KS: The music, turn it down!!!

Bob: (The heavy metal music slowly fades as Bob locates the volume knob on the stereo and turns the music down until it is barely audible.)  That better?

KS: Perfect.

Bob: Sorry, but I love the new Metallica album.

KS: Understood.  Look, Bob, it's KingSerf.  I've been struggling lately.  Who you playing tonight?

Bob: I wish I was the meat between a Scarlett Johansson/Kim Kardashian sandwich.  But I'll probably wind up at the strip club later.

KS: No, Bob, your card, your ticket.  Sports betting.

Bob: (after a lengthy, hearty, heavily nasal laugh)  Oh, man, sorry Serf.  Let me make it up to you with an impromptu performance. 
(There is a gentle knocking sound as Bob puts the cell phone down.  He plucks at a few ... [More]

Monday: Melrose, Miami, and Samurai Mike

Got a case of the Mondays?  Behold the diversity of sporting events this evening: Monday Night Football, NBA basketball, NHL hockey...and even a Duke basketball tournament where Coach K's kids get to knock the Jesus out of a school called Presbyterian.

Even without the full mullet, Barry Melrose simply rocks!  And although his Lightning team are only 5-4-4, the goaltending tandem of Mike Smith and Olaf Kolzig have only allowed two goals or less in eight of thirteen games.  Washington goalie Brent Johnson has been stable in net as well, with a 2.12 GAA in six games.  The Capitals may get the victory, but I like...

Lightning @ Capitals Under 5.5 (-115)

It's fantastic to see Dwyane Wade and the Miami Heat playing competitive basketball again.  Tonight the Nets visit Miami -- without Devin Harris.  It's a huge loss, as Harris is averaging 18.8 points per game and 4.8 assists.  The season is early, but thus far the Miami Heat have dominated opponents at home, beating the Sacramento Kings by 26 points and the Philadelphia 76ers by 23.

Miami Heat -8.5 (-110)

The national sports pundits believe that "Samurai" Mike Singletary, new coach of the 49ers and former, fiery Chicago Bear will play nice tonight.  Yeah, right.  I can't wait for the post game news conference, typically aired on ESPN News only minutes after the game.  As far as the football game, given the Cardinals penchant for high-scoring home... [More]

Captain Cooler's SNF Quick Picks

The ESPN Sunday Countdown crew unanimously selected the Pittsburgh Steelers over the Indianapolis Colts.  Sorry all you Bristol, Connecticut bad boys, but you were wrong as Big Ben's gift interception. 

And wouldn't you know that tonight every ESPN Sunday Countdown "expert" has chosen the New York Giants.  I'm not willing to predict a late Eli Manning interception, but I do like the...

Eagles -2.5 (bought 1/2 point) (-130)

At 5-3 this is a must win game for the Eagles.  The return of Brian Westbrook is huge, and Donovan McNabb is hungry for much more than Chunky soup commercials: "The thing that I kind of think about now...what would be special, if we make it to the Super Bowl and win, and I get a phone call from [President] Barack Obama.  That would be excellent" (ESPN, Sunday Countdown online).

And here is an SNF prop bet I couldn't resist...

Total Number Of Sacks Over 4.5 (-130)

Perhaps I am sick and twisted to hope and cheer for quarterback sacks, but, then again, who doesn't stare at a car accident...or even roadkill.  If these two defensive monsters fail to cash this bet, I'll take up knitting.

Rock and roll, brothers and sisters!

Attention FCC: The Most Vulgar Show On Television

Dear FCC,

Could you please work with Mr. Morality, a.k.a. NFL commissioner Roger Goodel, to create a ruling whereby NFL blowouts would be quickly shifted to televise a more competitive football game -- no matter what freaking region one lives in.

You guys thought the Janet Jackson Boobgate was vulgar?

How about being forced by region to watch a...


football game?

This football game is the most vile and vulgar TV program ever!  In fact, it is pure pixel pornography! 

So please, please, please act quickly.

Give me great, competitive football on Sunday...or give me death!

Captain Cooler's Quick Picks: NFL Early Games

Greetings, casino crazies!  Week ten of the NFL is only minutes away, so unlike all the prognosticators, pundits, and motormouth touts, I'd rather not blather.  Captain Cooler's Pathetic Record: 2-10  *Each play is three units.

Titans -3 (-110)

The Titan defense is tied for the league lead in interceptions (13), and it is a good bet that schizoid Bears quarterback Rex Grossman will throw at least one pick. 

Dolphins -8 (-110)

I don't adore the line (-8), but I wouldn't trust the Seahawks to do my laundry.

Saints @ Falcons Over 51

Drew Brees + Michael Turner + Matt Ryan = One Great Scorefest

Good luck, everyone!

Please Troy Aikman, punch Joe Buck in the face!

How in Hades can former Dallas Cowboy QB Troy Aikman stand the agonizing bias spewing forth from Joe Buck?

Every week Joe Buck simply sides with the team performing best.  And thus a national audience of millions is forced to hear his one sided bull hockey!

Thank God Metallica's new album doesn't blow, for I'd much rather listen to that during the second half of the Cowboy/Giant game.

Please Troy, punch Joe in the face!

Calling All Cowboy Fans!

The collective thread mojo of true Dallas Cowboy fans can make a difference in the outcome of the game.

I have no proof that this kind of Internet affection will actually work, but I do believe in Bigfoot...and the Loch Ness monster...and Mothman...and El Chupacabra. 

The Cowboys can get it done, but only with your help.