If one is a "degenerate" gambler for betting on preseason NFL football, then what do we label those who actually watch preseason football on television. Dunderheads? Dolts? Dimbulbs?

I admit that I watched ESPN's Monday Night Football telecast of Thursday's dress rehearsal between the Cardinals and Steelers...for all of 15 minutes. I learned that John "Chuckie" Gruden, while certainly better and more plain spoken than Dennis Miller, will most likely be a disappointing addition. Maybe he thinks his role is "agitator," like the guy or gal on cable news shows everyone at home wants to disembowel. A nearly 15 minute tussel with Mike Tirico was about as fun as watching my children fight over toys.

My greater concern is the television wasteland that is NFL preseason broadcasts. Something is gravely wrong when even watching public television is more enjoyable than a football game. I have a few ideas guaranteed to garner greater NFL preseason Nielsen ratings:

Booth Visits By Provocative Celebrities
Enough of this candy-ass crap where Tony Danza or any other has been actor drops by the booth. Forget about inviting former coaches or Saint Roger Goodell. Instead, activate a tape delay and bring in edgy, envelope pushing entertainers. For example, what's wrong with a visit from Jenna Jameson...as long as she decides to keep her top on?

Cheerleader Mud Wresting
The half time banter from most booth dudes is pointless and mind numbing as undergraduate college lectures. I propose that NFL cheerleaders, who seem to get much less camera time on puritanical, politically correct 21st century television, get down and dirty at the half. And a few lucky fans will be chosen, ticket lottery style, to join in on the filthy fun.

Jaeger Bombs!
The fact that television actors and talking heads are not allowed to drink on camera wreaks of hypocrisy. Especially when every ten minutes viewers are bombarded by commercials for Coors Light, Budweiser, Miller, and other alcoholic beverages. Furthermore, during the best years of Monday Night Football, Howard Cosell was at least buzzed 99.9% of the time. I propose that after every touchdown and field goal the men in the booth must drink a Jaeger Bomb or other selected alcoholic beverage. Imagine the loosy-goosy nature of the broadcast. Imagine the verbal faux pas' and gaffs. Imagine the marketing deals for companies like Jaegermeister, Jose Cuervo, Makers Mark, and a host of other tantalizing liquors.

And now for Friday's eclectic betting card.

MLB
Athletics ML -154
Yankees ML -153
Angels -1.5 (+105)

CFL
1st Half: B.C. Lions -2 (-110)

WNBA
Sun/Mystics Over 155 (-110)

NFL
Rams +3 (-115)

Here's hoping that everyone has a Fat Profit Friday!