Kids have Christmas Day. Men have opening day of NFL football. I'm so geeked and giddy about opening day on the gridiron my wife just looked deep into my eyes and asked, "Where's my a---hole husband?" Here are a few predictions for your football funny bone:
- Michael Vick joins Sarah McLachlan for the latest sappy ASPCA commercial. As McLachlan's "I Will Remember You" plays softly, Vick holds a three legged pit bull puppy wearing an Eagles jersey. Sarah smiles at his side. In her lap is a large tabby cat with an eyepatch. PETA members continue their crusade against Vick, stating, "We may be certifiably cuckoo, but at least we don't kill dogs."
- After the Motor City Kitties begin the season a dismal 0-5, the commisioner grants Detroit a one touchdown handicap. Amazingly, the move fails, and they go on to lose every remaining game.
- Tony Romo finally wins a playoff game, then promptly injures himself while celebrating in Costa Rica. Tony creates a diving board accident to explain his fractured hip, but the true story quickly comes out in the tabloids: New girlfriend, porn star Alexis Texas, coyly confirms her bubble butt is to blame. The Cowboys are then "bounced" from the playoffs in a loss to the Green Bay Packers.
Straight BetsBengals -5Cowboys -5 1/2Packers -4Money Line ParlayFalcons -200Vikings -220Colts -280Giants -280Seahawks -380Five Team 7-Point TeaserRavens -6Panthers +10Jaguars +14Saints -7Packers +3Good luck today, ladies and degenerates! May all your bets lead to end zone dances in the living room or den. (But be careful not to spill your beer.)