We have an addition to the family. Not another kid, for although I love my children more than betting, booze, and Scarlett Johansson's boobs, it's like my cousin Kurt said during a particularly aggravating restaurant dinner with his wife and three-year-old son, "Why in the hell would anyone want to have more than one of these things!" I finally gave in to the gift my daughter has asked Santa Claus for the last two years -- a dog.

We named her Kali, after the Hindu goddess. Kali is the wife of Shiva, who is often kindly referred to as "the Destroyer." Today Kali is considered the goddess of time and change. Yet my research continually uncovered negative, darker connotations, calling Kali "benevolent" and "malevolent"..."a goddess of death and destruction, depicted as black, red-eyed, blood-stained, and wearing a necklace of skulls." I Googled images of Kali, and she is definitely one goddess I hope I never dream about, because it would be a heart-stopping nightmare! At any rate, even though we chose a name that may upset the Hindu gods and screw up our collective family karma, Kali is arguably the most badass name for a nine-week-old black Labrador bitch. (Pardon the curse word, but, honestly, she is a female dog.)

One article called the goddess Kali a "devourer of time," but thus far all this puppy gnaws on are shoes, clothes, toys, paper, and my favorite, wires. Only a week ago she chewed through a pricey flat-style Ethernet cord -- while I was surfing the Internet. My students at the college laughed, and then a few fellow Labrador owners told me to be thankful. Turns out their dogs have actually chewed through power cords and shocked themselves.

At times I actually think it may have been smarter to knock the old lady up again, because caring for a puppy is only slightly easier than I imagine caring for a blind and deaf elderly amputee with Alzheimer's must be. How come kittens are born litter trained, while puppies will piss and crap anywhere except where they eat and sleep? Why do dog toys even exist, when it's obvious dogs love to "play" with everything human, the more personally important the better? And excuse me Iams and Science Diet and Eukenuba, but you really must change your dog food recipes. All my puppy wants to eat is Purina Cat Chow!

Perhaps comedian Sue Murphy says it best: "Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

Yet I love my new Labrador with every strained, confused, and sometimes angry beat of my heart. Dogs truly are man's best friend. That another animal besides my wife would love an S.O.B. like me in return, is a doggone miracle.

And now for today's NFL wagers...

Spread Bets
Ravens -9 1/2
Cowboys -7
Falcons +1 1/2

The "Such A Tease" 6 1/2 Point Teaser
Vikings -4 1/2
Eagles -9 1/2
Browns +13
Steelers -5 1/2
Panthers +1/2
Giants -10

Best of luck today, ladies and degenerates!