According to Brett Favre, phone calls between players and coaches (former and present) are more commonplace than one would think.  So, naturally, the next step is fan phone interaction.  Firmly grounded in Charleston, Illinois for about 15 years now, I felt confident in my pursuit of EIU graduate Tony Romo's telephone number.  Like a cross between Sam Spade and ESPN's Chris Mortensen, I worked tirelessly interviewing anyone close to the man with the most important pinky in Texas.  Eventually I tracked down a blonde, voluptuous dame with his cell phone number.  The information cost me a bottle of Grey Goose vodka and a pack of Marlboro Menthol cigarettes -- in a box.

After the fifth ring I was prepared to leave a lengthy message outlining the golden game plan to beat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Sunday.  But suddenly Tony picked up...

Tony: (confused) Hello?

KS: This is Mike Magnum from the Daily Eastern News, Eastern Illinois University's newspaper.  Do you have the time, Tony?

Tony: Well, Mike, rehabing a pinky finger is a pretty complex process....But I have a few minutes.  How can I help you?

KS: I know how America's Dysfuntional Darlings can beat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Tony: Is this a joke?

KS: Listen.  I speak on behalf of all Dallas Cowboy fans.  We need a victory and I have a few ideas.

Tony: (apprehensive) Sure...go ahead, Mike.

KS: Tampa Bay is 1-8 visiting Texas Stadium, so history is on your side, Tony. 

Tony: Good.

KS: But the present is far from kind.  Not only is backup quarterback Brad Johnson as historic as the Alamo, but the Cowboy secondary is so weak that any opposing NFL quarterback looks like Joe Montana.  Tell Wade to pressure Garcia with surprising blitz packages.  And if that doesn't work, flash doctored, obscene cheating photos of his hot wife on the jumbotron.

Tony: Are you serious?

KS: Shut up and massage your pinky.  Next, have Brad Johnson uncharacteristically chuck the long ball downfield.  If Owens or Williams fails to catch the ball, perhaps a pass interference call will keep the drive alive.

Tony: Isn't that a cowardly way to play the game?

KS: Tony, remember Coach Lombardi: "Winning isn't the only thing, it's everything."

Tony: Gotcha.

KS: And Tony, are you familiar with Chinese stars?

Tony: I think so.  Don't ninjas use them to kill bad guys.

KS: Ninjas or NFL teams desperate for victory, what's the difference.  Marion Barber III must run the rock...with a chinese star in his other hand the entire game.  Tell him to aim for the quadriceps or knees, for those injuries happen all of the time.

Tony: Mike, the Dallas Cowboys have an image to uphold.

KS: Listen, Tony, Jerry wants to win now...no matter how it's done.  Remember how godawful the Bucs were in the 1970s? 

Tony: I've seen NFL films footage.

KS: And that footage will be played on the jumbotron during pregame and halftime.

Tony: Interesting.

KS: But that's not all, Tony.  I have a guy ready to unleash hordes of fire ants in the Buccaneers locker room Sunday morning.  If those mothers crawl into a jockstrap...yikes!  And lastly, Tony, we desperately need Jessica Simpson's help.

Tony: How so?

KS: Every time Tampa Bay reaches the red zone, which is likely to be quite often, Jessica must show the Buccaneers her boobies.

Tony: Can't she just sing a few country tunes at halftime?  I love her, but her singing nearly makes my ears bleed.

KS: Me too.  Deal.

Tony: Well, Mike, my pinky is ready for another ice bath.  Have a great weekend.

KS: Cowboy up!

Tony: Cowboy up!