...here is what I would do to restore faith in Dallas Cowboy fans, and recoup money lost by the most despicable Dallas team since Troy Aikman's rookie 1-15 season.
First of all....
Crap, ESPN's "breaking news that we all expected anyway" beat me to it. Derrr, Cowboy coach Wade Phillips has joined the already bloated (weight pun intended) American unemployment line. Coaches never play the game, because, if so, TV viewers would witness more heart attacks and gruesome Joe Theisman-esque broken bone replays than even an ER veteran would care to see. However, the head coach, like a parent or teacher is responsible for creating an atmosphere of
respect,
discipline,
motivation, and, yes, even
love and devotion...without the part where two people kiss and have intercourse. Wade Phillips, though coaching over-paid, pampered professional football players, has truly
failed as a head coach.
Unless the Jason Garrett experience proves to be revolutionary as the Jimi Hendrix Experience, Mr. Jones will surely look elsewhere for a new Cowboy coach. The thing is, he already tried the hard-ass coaching approach with Bill Parcells, and that had mediocre results. I'd love to see Jerry Jones coach the team, because players would give a damn just a slight bit more with the guy signing the paycheck nervously pacing the sideline. Of course, the NFLPA might have a problem with Jerry holding a cattle gun in his left hand and a .357 Magnum, on safety, of course, in his right hand.
Lower ticket prices for the remaining home games. Lower the price of Cowboy merchandise during the home games. Lower the cost of every ingestible vending item,
including beer, by one dollar.
It sounds crazy, until Jerry Jones unveils the
first NFL stadium strip club...including Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders willing to take their clothes off for extra cash.
And if I were Jerry, I would amp up the number of concerts and events held at the Greatest Stadium Ever Built For A Sh!tty Team. I know that Texans are a kind-hearted, lovable, country music loving people, but imagine the revenue gained by hosting unconventional summer music tours like Lollapalooza, Ozzfest, and even Burning Man -- provided Jerry financially drug decriminalizes the show. If I were Jerry, I'd forget about my morals and ethics when considering people, acts, or events that want to perform in my new stadium. One night Sean Hannity. The next Bill Maher. On Saturday Public Enemy. On Sunday a Klu-Klux Klan rally.
And finally, and this is so-so painful as a Charleston, Illinois resident and EIU Panther alumnus to admit, if I were Jerry Jones I would trade Tony Romo and pursue former Texas Longhorn Colt McCoy. Although Colt did not throw a touchdown pass in the Browns' 34-14 beat down of the "powerhouse" Patriots, he was 14-19 for 174 yards and
no interceptions. Tony Romo is clearly in decline, bad offensive line or not, and what better QB change than a name and face Texas football fans know and trust.