Life, Love, and Gambling

The biggest gamble and greatest payday of my life was a bet made over ten years ago. I bet on love, the most risky bet in the book of life. My winnings gave me hugs, kisses, love making, and two beautiful children.

The first lesson of sports gambling is losing. It took me a year of curse filled tirades, tossing objects, and tyrannical behavior before I understood. Lesson learned, I simply mind-shredded every loss, because just as the sun rises and sets daily, one or more bets always awaits the sports bettor.

Less than a week ago, my wife and I decided to divorce. Don't gasp. Don't feel sorry for us. And please don't label us horrible monsters. Our split is amicable, and we both plan to shower our kids with so much love they just might suffocate -- figuratively, of course.

I like to think of our lives as books, so call this a new chapter in my life. I sincerely hope this chapter contains winning bets, beautiful women, strong drinks, and a happy ending.

NBA
Denver -9 1/2
Blazers/Warriors Over 207

NHL Parlay
Flyers/Sharks Over 5 1/2 (-120)  and Canucks (-175)

2nd Half: Flipper is the Fashion

Miami +4 1/2 (-115)

--The Panthers looked like lost little kitties in the first half. Unless Delhomme performs like Dan Marino in the second half, Carolina has little or no chance of winning.

MC Bet Loves The Buckeyes

I don't mean to brag or boast,
but I like butter and jam
on my breakfast toast.

And I don't mean to give
Tarheel nation a black eye,
but tonight I love the Ohio Buckeyes!

Ohio State +2

Life, Love, and Gambling

Stay tuned Friday, for some life altering news....

No, I'm not getting a sex change....

No, I'm not dying of cancer....

And, no, I'm not moving to Amsterdam -- yet I would like to retire there someday.

Here are my favorite plays for today:

College B-Ball
Manhattan +4

NBA
Cavs/Wizards Over 195

6-Team 4.5 Point NBA Teaser
Pistons +15
Rockets -1 1/2
Thunder +16 1/2
Bobcats +8
Heat +12
Wizards +9

Good luck tonight, ladies and degenerates!

Merry Christmas, Colts!

Yes, there is no "I" in team, but there is an element that can brutally take the ball out of one team's hands and give the gift of victory to another -- the coach!

I thought Wade Phillips was the biggest coach to blow chunks in week ten, because he failed to motivate his "media assumed" hot team, but Belichick can not justify his play call at all...unless he admits to temporary loss of sanity.

From a betting perspective, the Patriots covered the spread. However, the goal of any coach in professional sports is to put his or her team in the best position to win the game. Bill Belichick failed this task, instantly giving up thirty or more yards to the opponent.

One never sees a coach declare, "This one is on me. It's my fault," but clearly Belichick did not give his "beleaguered" defense a chance to prove their worth.

2nd Half Play

Patriots +3 1/2

*The last five minutes of the first half was a rouse. Bellichick, Brady, and company will bring more of the same in the second half.

Top 10 Cowboy Cures

Inconsistent Cowboys have you longing for the days of Landry? Got the Dallas doldrums so bad you dream of the Doomsday defense, or, better yet, the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders? Check out the following sure-fire ways to put the giddy-up in this year's inconsistent Cowboy squad:

10. No more Gatorade at practice. Instead, serve the team water out of an old wooden trough.

9. Deliver a fresh box of diapers to each team member after a loss.

8. Jerry Jones overlooks each practice -- with whip in hand.

7. Dr. Phil visits Valley Ranch.

6. Lil Wayne demoralizes Dallas in a verse from his latest rap song.

5. Carrie Underwood figuratively castrates Tony Romo in her latest comedic country song.

4. R. Lee Ermey, former U.S. Marine Corps drill instructor, suddenly becomes an assistant coach. Jelly donuts suddenly vanish from the practice complex.

3. Roger Staubach, the greatest Cowboy quarterback ever, calls the Cowboys "a bunch of overpaid pansies" on the Fox NFL pre-game  show.

2. Non-stop negative media coverage, at stun volume, on the jumbo-jumbo-jumbo tron at Texas Stadium during every practice.

1. Wal-Mart paychecks for every lackluster Sunday effort. For example, another performance like today in Green Bay, would earn Tony Romo about $50.00...before taxes.   
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Life, Love, and Gambling

Week 10 is about to begin, so I'll get to my plays without much delay.

Ladies, leave the drama at home -- especially on a Friday night, when every single bar patron is trying to start the weekend on a happy, somewhat inebriated, note.

Not even one Bombay Sapphire and tonic into the evening, I hear loud sobbing two bar stools down. By nature, we writers are nosy folks, our ears constantly pricked up, whether we really want to hear what you say or not. To my right was a big black correctional officer enjoying a pint of Guiness. To his right sat a joyless, weeping, white middle-aged woman drinking a Bud Light. She knew him, probably from previous trouble with the law, and respected his advice. The problem: Her fiance had just returned from Afghanistan, and broke off the engagement. He had been M.I.A. for over 24 hours. Her side of the story, told with many tears and cheap bar napkins, is that he just can't adjust to civilian life with her and the kids. I don't know her fiance, but if these hysterics (and God knows what other madness) are the norm, no wonder the poor guy feels just as stressed, just as terrorized as when he was stationed in Afghanistan.

I quickly finished my second gin and tonic and skedaddled. When I left the fine yet tear soaked establishment, the weepy woman was out back, smoking a cigarette and crying on the shoulder of another lucky soul.

Men never behave like this. Men help you drown your sorrows with another beer or a shot of li... [More]

MC Bet's 49er Gold Rush

Fear not, Vernon Davis, for
the Niners got yer back.

The Bears couldn't claw
their way out of a paper bag.

Think Iron Mike wants to lose three straight?
His men will battle all the way to hell's gate.

San Fran is ready to blow out the Windy City.
Cutler's bear cubs will leave town feeling sh*tty.

NFL
1st Half: 49ers -1 1/2 (-125)
Game: 49ers -3 (bought 1/2 point) (-135)

Bonus Plays
Miami Heat +1 (-115)
College Teaser (6 points): USF/Rutgers Over 37 and USF +8 1/2

Rock and roll, brothers and sisters!
 

Life, Love, and Gambling

Sunday I did not watch NFL football until my Cowboys took the field. Really. Truly. Seriously.

My absence wasn't due to church. My absence wasn't due to work at home. My absence had nothing to do with the word "emergency."

My father was in town, and something in my heart told me to forget about grading papers, creating lesson plans, and doing any of the usual Sunday household chores.

At first Dad was a bit shocked that I wanted to come along. Normally, he and my stepmother entertain the children while my wife and I try to recall what life was like before kids. But my stepmother was ill, and my wife had to work until 5:00, so I decided to spend the day with my father.

Not only is my Dad a big family man - the "self" is last on his hierarchy of "what's important" - but he looks exactly like Clint Eastwood. Remember Clint in Gran Torino? That's my Dad.

Our first venture was Fox Ridge State Park. Me, Dad, the kids, and our Labrador (Kali) took to a trail...and I must admit I was transported to the days of my youth. Only once did I ask myself, "I wonder how my bets are working out?"

We wrapped up the day at the grand opening of Sesame Street. No joke, folks, Charleston, Illinois now has a Sesame Street. I expected an earthbound version of Sesame Street On Ice, but sadly no characters showed up. I told my son that Elmo came down with the H1N1 virus.

Enjoy the following picks, and remember that family, good, bad, indifferent, or down... [More]

So Fast You'll Freak!

What Jimmy John's does for subs, I do for sports wagering:

NFL
1H Steelers -1 (-120)
Game: Broncos +135
Teaser (7 Points): Broncos +10 and Under 48.5

NHL
LA Kings +135

NBA/College Basketball Teaser (5 points)
Raptors/Spurs Over 200
Utah Jazz -1
Phoenix Suns +3
California -9

Rock like Weezer, brothers and sisters!  Best of luck!

The Eagles Have Landed

It is now time for all doubters, haters, and sports media "experts" to eat crow...no, eat eagle all week long!

The Cowboys did what very few people, fans or otherwise, believed they could do -- win an important game against a "great" team.

Of course, every Eagle fan, bettor, and sports media monkey will undoubtedly blame Coach Andy Reid and his buffoonery (failed challenges, the late 52-yard field goal, etc.), instead of acknowledging the outstanding play of Dallas' defense.

By no means are the Cowboys the best team in the NFC, but it's about time everyone admits they are playing some of the best NFL football at the half way point of the season.

NBC or Nimrod Broadcasting Company

Losers everywhere might want to apply for work at NBC, because it appears they have no problem throwing money away on projects full of questionable talent that are destined to lose money.

Notre Dame should really approach reality television producers, for a program I'd like to call "So You Want To Play Notre Dame Defense."

Touchdown Jesus-rific!

Nothing soothes the soul more than watching Notre Dame get beat on national television!

The team I most hope...

...pulls their heads out of their jock straps at halftime are the...

West Virginia Mountaineers!

My three-year-old son could score a touchdown or two against the Louisville Cardinals.

In fact, if my mean tempered tabby cat had opposable thumbs, HE could score against the Cardinals.

So wake up, West Virginia!

Pitch and Puck Parlay

Go ahead, chuckleheads, call this my "p(ee) p(ee)" parlay...and rightfully so if one or both teams figuratively urinate on my wager.

New York Islanders ML (-120)

and

Philadelphia Phillies ML (-160)

To be blunt about the Phillies (stoner pun intended), the team must have been smoking something in the dugout to dizzily give up last night's game. Pride, Cliff Lee, and smarter baseball should give us a game six back in New York. Plus, although Yankee coaches and the team will tell fans and the media otherwise, at heart the Bronx Bombers really want to wrap up what seems like their first World Series in forever at home.

Believe it or not, the New York Islanders have won three straight, including a 5-0 puck pummeling of the Buffalo Sabres and a surprising 4-3 overtime victory on the road over the Capitals. Conversely, the Edmonton Oilers have lost four of the last five games, including three shut outs. Add injuries and the flu bug to the mix, and it is no surprise Edmonton goalie Nikolai Khabibulin has faced an average of 36 goals the last four games. Also, Khabibulin is 5-10-0 with a 3.90 GAA versus the Islanders. *One interesting tidbit I discovered that truly leaves me dumbfounded, is that 79.7% of ESPN Streak for the Cash players have selected the Edmonton Oilers as victors tonight.

May all your wagers "make it out of the park" or "strike the back of the net."
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Today's NFL Teaser

Teaser plays always leave me feeling like a dork, a nitwit, a nincompoop. I tease football games and then I feel like the last kid picked in a sandlot football game.

My perception is that teasing games isn't a macho betting move. Even though winning a football teaser is more profitable than the purse from a straight bet, you can't really brag to your friends.

A buddy can boast, "I won with Denver, straight up!" (+180 as I write this.)

But nobody shouts in celebration, "Guys, I just won a five team 7-point teaser!" Even your best friend is likely to respond by ordering you a victory glass of white zinfandel.

So why do I continue to play football teasers?

Because I'm sick of heavily handicapping a single game only to 1) Lose because the overpaid "professionals" forgot to show up for work on Sunday. 2) Lose because the overpaid "professionals" could not cover the point spread. 3) Lose (or push) because I refused to buy points.

My perception of the teaser will probably never change...and neither will my feelings about men who eat yogurt, prefer cats over dogs, and actually own and wear a Snuggie. (Damn this manly, patriarchal culture!)

And, really, what matters most as the sun sets and the last football is hiked, is profit. Sometimes, even in the macho world of Vegas and sports betting, it literally pays to be a pansy.

Four Team 7-Point Teaser
Bears -6 1/2
Texans +3
Dolphins +10 1/2
Cowboys -3

Best ... [More]

NBA Fantasy League Live Draft

I know, I know. Wrong location for NBA threads that have nothing to do with making money...but, b-ballers, I really want to fill up my ESPN NBA free fantasy league with Covers compadres -- degenerates and do-gooders.

Honestly, the only time I regularly played fantasy NBA was a few years ago, a rip-off Sporting News game where, for small amounts of money, one could buy trades. Buy enough trades, and maybe, just maybe, you would qualify for prizes and cash.

Thank God I discovered Internet sports wagering.

So let's have some NBA fantasy fun my Covers brothers and sisters. When it is always about money, our love of sports fades quicker than leaves from trees in fall.

Visit the fantasy sports basketball section at ESPN, and search for the free NBA fantasy league called "Barkley In Vegas."

The live draft is tonight at 10:00 p.m. Central Standard Time. If you have no idea WTF Central Standard Time is, right now my clocks say 7:39 p.m.

Happy betting, brothers and sisters!

Futbol Friday

Good afternoon, degenerate futbol fanatics! Here are some more mid day soccer plays you may want to tail -- or laugh heartily at and call me crazy. I have no time for write ups, for "the man" is keeping me busier than a Kardashian on a shopping spree.

Straight Wagers
Queens Park Rangers -117
Dusseldorf (Bundesliga 2) +125

Parlays
Go Ahead Eagles and FC Volendam (Dutch)) Over 2.5 (-153) and Belenenses and FC Porto (Portuguese) Over 2.5 (-166)

AND

FSV Frankfurt and Union Berlin (Bundesliga 2) Over 2.5 (-166) and VfB Stuttgart II and Werder Bremen II (Bundesliga 3) Over 2.5 (-142)

Good luck today, everyone! 

Mid Day Soccer Parlay

TSV 1860 Munich/Schalke 04 Over 2.5 (-153)

and

Napoli/AC Milan Over 2.5 (even)

*Win or lose, I must credit futbol betting fanatic bakemcbride. I have, however, examined both games myself -- and both "overs" look good as January Jones covered in baby oil. The Napoli/AC Milan total was originally 2 at my book, but has since risen to 2.5. (I hope this is a good omen, yet it could mean I get screwed by a 1-1 draw or a 2-nil victory.) Hopefully, AC Milan, 2-1 away winners against Chievo Verona on Sunday and 3-2 away winners versus Real Madrid, will continue to score -- and allow at least one opponent goal.

Good luck this afternoon, everyone!

Austin Powers

I picked up and started Miles Austin this week, so pardon me while I dance on the ESPN fantasy football grave of Dumpster Divers, who I am destroying 96-33 -- with Steve Smith and Lawrence Tynes waiting in the winning wings.

Granted upcoming Cowboy opponents will give Miles Austin heavier coverage, but imagine the openings that creates for the rest of the offense.

In other words, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "A".

Thank you Miles Austin, for your astounding powers!

The Ache In Aikman

Perhaps I am reading Troy's tone all wrong, but he sounds dejected...a bit downtrodden that the Cowboys beat the Falcons.

Cheer up Troy, you will have plenty of time before next Sunday to watch your "best of" DVD with Emmitt and the rest of your critical former Cowboy crew.

Hey Rupert, WTF!?

Fox (Midwest) must not give a damn about keeping viewers, because all afternoon every Ill-inoisan has been forced to watch a Bear beat down (45-10 with four minutes remaining) by the Bengals.

If not for the regional rules, which must have been invented by someone with an IQ of a slug, Midwestern folks could have enjoyed...

Dolphins 34
Saints 31

...at the start of the 4th quarter.

Or...

Cowboys 34
Falcons 21

...with 5:00 left in the 4th quarter.

Regional Coverage Is The Devil

As a Cowboy fan stuck in Central Illinois...

please, please, please, Fox, switch to the Cowboy game pronto!

Every flippin' week 2-4 NFL teams don't show up to play -- at all!

Why anyone, sharps or otherwise, were on the Bears is more insane than those who actually bet on McCain/Palin to win the last election.

So get smart, Fox, and give me Falcons/Cowboys!

The "F" Word

Favre

+

Fumbles

+

Forking Interceptions

=

Packers Backers F!*$ed!