Christmas time does not have the same excitement it did when we were children. The gifts are not for us anymore, there are no GameBoys or Cowboy & Indian figures to look forward to under the tree. Now, it is a costly obligation that we hope to get over with as quickly as possible.
It still is a great season where we can reflect and try to be with the people we love, but it doesn't contain the same sense of hope that we were fed at an earlier age. We used to believe in wonderful magical people every December, like Santa Claus or Jesus. Now we know that if there is a an obese elderly man with a white beard that allows children to sit in his lap, he is more likely to write for the Philadelphia Daily News and molest our kids than fit through a chimney.
When one starts to apply facts and science to the story of Jesus, it seems pretty silly that we never get ridiculed for still believing in him once we reach our teen years. The difference is , unlike with the Santa story, there is never the asshole kid who runs around the playground telling everyone that Jesus isn't real and it's only a story that everyone's parents made up. With the story of Jesus, parents continue the lie until their deathbeds and the world chimes in that we shouldn't listen to that motherless bastard Scott from 3rd grade.
Basically, the dif... [More]
The NFL's recent domination of media attention took a minor setback with the announcement of the end of the NBA lockout. Finally, a sports story came out that did not take place inside of a Happy Valley shower that merited talking about other than Yahweh Tittle Tebow himself.
Much like the fake NFL lockout, no one was really sure what is was all about. NBA teams were upset when their star players would leave their dull cities to go play with their friends in new exciting towns. When Lebron James and Carmelo Anthony fled Cleveland and Denver for Miami and New York, owners cried "small market" foul.
The NBA is not Major League Baseball, where the small market teams literally can not afford to pay for superstars. Cleveland had plenty of money to offer Lebron James, and they did, he just couldn't live in Cleveland anymore. I know a lot of Cleveland fans who were furious with James' Decision to move to a nicer city to work a better job, none of those people still live in Cleveland.
That is what makes the NBA problem more personal to the owners and... [More]
The NFL season is a long grind where the weeks seem to bleed into one another. After 3 months of battling, we enter the part that matters, "December football". December football is cold and tough, nothing like those fake games teams were just fooling around with during the last 13 weeks. In December, conditions are so dire that teams are forced to inch out every yard in a frozen state of championship grudge matches.
Oh man, those analysts love talking about what a different brand of football December football has to be. According to the media, all of the world class talent and sophisticated pass offenses will be useless at the first sight of snowfall.
The League is completely different now, where one must throw the ball to win, and somehow Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady still find ways to use their Hall of Fame arms in colder weather. It is always hilarious to me when teams plan their offensive philosophy around what the average temperature in their city is in December and not the actual talent that they possess.
Atlanta -2.5 @ Houston: The Houston Texans have a big problem. They are having their best season in franchise history, but after another injury they enter the final month in need of a quarterback. Since the trade deadline has passed, they are forced to pull out "the list".
"The List" is composed of nearly dead ex quarterbacks who are no longer in the League that one has to call at home to convince them out of retirement. Teams have to pick the name of a quarterback that appeases the fans enough in to thinking that their season isn't lost.
Brett Favre, Jeff George, David Garrard, J.P. Lossman, and Patrick Ramsey are names that get batted around only to be told by them that they have no interest of playing terribly again in front of people. Eventually, some one in the office brings up the name that silences the room...Jeff Garcia.
Nobody wants Jeff Garcia, despite the fact that he wants to play football and is actually pretty good at playing it. The problem is that football thinks he is gay thus making their tea... [More]
Thanksgiving football weekend has grown bigger through the years putting us through the full gamut of holiday emotions. The NFL has recently added a 3rd night game to follow Detroit and Dallas and give us another opportunity to not talk to our families. The games themselves, really represents who we and our shameful families are.
It started off in the morning with the upstart Lions hosting the World Champ Packers. This was supposed to be the year when the Lions game finally was not awful leaving us questioning why we must suffer through them every Thanksgiving.
The Lions are like our fuck up brother who is trying to hold it together but always on the verge of snapping every holiday. We finally let him host the dinner because things looked promising this year. He has a good defense and a new younger girlfriend that seems to be settling him down. We thought he would be ready to step up and host the Packers this year. But the second Dad questions his play calling, he freaks out and steps on an offensive lineman kicking everyone out before its even 2 o clock.
This was the week we were supposed to get back to NFL football. The Penn State situation should have slowed down and taken its dirty legal course. Usually, after a huge scandal breaks, there is the initial blast of media coverage and then all of the parties lawyer up leaving us to wait for months of calculated non incriminating statements. Not these scumbags. They planned on striking while the iron was still hot with nation wide rage against them.
Defensive Sodomist Jerry Sandusky began the week by doing a jaw dropping interview with Bob Costas during halftime of Monday Night Football. Sandusky came across as the creepy sociopath that he is, freely admitting to showering with boys and going after some in a sexual way. Two things were transparent after the interview, his guilt and his lack of understanding the meaning of the word "horseplay". I truly hope that his attorneys stick with the "horseplay" defense, it's kind of great in a disgusting horrendous way of course. "What happened in the shower that night?" ... "Horseplay, your honor...good old fashioned horses playing around. Yep, just a 60 year old man and a 10 year old boy playing in horse's fashion."
The real question is why would any lawyer allow this interview to happen in the first place? Obviously this dirt ball only wants as much exploitative attention he can seek and was sick and tired of his client being forgotten about for a couple of days as the villain. It was time for them to remind ... [More]
It would be difficult to not mention the mess that was Penn State this week. There is no need to bring up the details of the horrible story at this point, but there is plenty of room to take on the analysis of the dual outcries. When a sports story explodes to a huge national news story, and has an extremely sensitive subject, the meat heads in suits become overwhelmed.
Both sides prefaced their fury with a catchphrase in hopes of adding validity to their perspective. The one side, people who are against an institution covering up a decade of child rape, like to begin their points with, "As a parent...I am outraged" Well, thank goodness Matt Millen told us he was a father first, or we wouldn't have believed one word of him being against child molestation. Initially we didn't think he had a leg to stand on coming out against the serial activity of heinous sex crimes.
I do not have children of my own, so of course I am indifferent to this kind of activity and need to be reminded that it is a bad thing. It never "hit home" with me, as I am not even sure what kids look like or if they exist at all.
Several of the terrible NFL teams are in danger of continuing down the road of putridness because they listen to Phil Simms. The current lead analyst on CBS and former NFL quarterback has been on an odd mission to downplay the talent of next year's #1 pick Andrew Luck. He says that the hype is too much for him and that Luck doesn't have a strong arm.
"There's not a lot of rotation on the ball and there's not a tremendous amount of power. It sure helps when you can do that because there are four or five plays a game where it is about arm strength."
Phil did not stop there, and went even further by flat out making up news. With the Indianapolis Colts the favorites to get Luck, Simms tried to tell people that they would not take him because Peyton Manning himself would veto the selection.
"There is no way if Peyton Manning is given a clean bill of health that he is going to let them draft Andrew Luck."
Tim Tebow is punishing all Americans for not being in Church on Sunday by overtaking the evil League that we have been giving our devotion.
We have mocked the Sabbath for too long now, and Tebow has come for the reckoning. No longer can we blissfully enjoy a full slate of NFL football on the holiest day of the week and not expect repercussions.Tebow has perfected the love/hate dichotomy in which every football game is about him yet is nothing at all. He can play in the most meaningless game giving such a bad performance and make it an exciting victory forcing an entire nation to speak of Him.
Lost in last week's miracle comeback win was how comically bad Yahweh Tittle was for the majority of the game. It was not just His statistics ( 1 completion through 3 quarters) but the way He interpreted the quarterback position that was so hilarious.
Tebow attempted passes with His non throwing hand, His never throwing elbow, and even tried the little used volleyball punch serve. Tebow made countless hysterical 360° spin moves while in the pocket to ensure that every fan got a good view of the performance. He truly is the funniest thing on CBS right now. When the network has to replace Ashton Kutcher in "2 & 1/2 Men" next year because he continua... [More]
The midpoint of the NFL season is where teams seem to disappear for a couple of weeks. It comes in the form of uninspired play leading up to their anticipated bye week. For as much as it affects our lives, the bye week is never given the advertisement it deserves. It seems like I never find out the Eagles are not playing until I am already at the bar and have finished my weekly severing of meaningful relationships. "What? They are on bye today? So I could have gone to the pumpkin patch with the lady while keeping the belittling laughter on the inside?"
I don't need the constant scores trailing underneath the game I am watching, but I would like a non stop reminder scrolling, "Attention: The Patriots don't play next Sunday, interact with loved ones!!!"
It is too big of news not to be fully prepared for. This is why I never supported Daylight Savings, not that I am against maximizing the sunlight's hours for our nations farmers, but the lack of warning is mind boggling. It's almost like a rumor that goes around twice a year, no one is ever sure when it is, it just happens.
We are out one Saturday night with friends and the one guy in the group who always refuses for the night to end pulls out, "Hey C'mon one more bar we get an extra hour tonight!" I'm always amazed when he is right, as much as I am baffled by people who actually know this fact and prepare responsibly by setting their clocks back ahead of time. I mean, how is the top news... [More]
It is easy to mourn and honor Steve Jobs, everyone liked him and he liked us. It's a little tougher with Al Davis, he despised us.
The passing of NFL icon Al Davis last week was not exactly unexpected. The Raiders owner had reached the living dead stage for years, complete with open bloody wounds and failed band aid jobs. Network television had to have his obituary tribute video in the can for at least a decade ready to roll as soon as the inevitable occurred. I imagine there are tons of these tribute death clips ready to go for other celebrities who refuse to give in. Did you know Gene Wilder is still alive? Shocking.
This week's Raider game will have a big tribute to Davis beforehand, and people assume it will give Oakland extra motivation to win in his honor. There is no way players like Denarius Moore has ever met Al Davis, and probably assumed he was dead already.
They really should keep Davis' body in the owners booth overlooking games for the rest of the season, "Weekend at Bernie's" style. In fact, the Raiders never should have admitted that he had passed in the first place just to see if anyone would know the difference.
I personally liked Al Davis because he was a legitimate crazy asshole. It's always fun to see when a confirmed jerk is being honored after death by people that he hated. He once called ESPN's Chris Mortensen a "professional liar". It literally just took me 10 minutes to stop laughing after typing that out. "... [More]
It was great week for the bombs last Sunday as we went 3-1, and somehow avoided the Leagues latest joke. The joke was told in Arizona when the NFL took away a win from the Cardinals by making up a rule on the spot when it appeared that the Giants' Victor Cruz fumbled away the game. They even gave it a title, called the "surrender rule".
They claimed that even though the receiver was not touched on the ground, he voluntarily surrendered himself down, thus ending the play. Hilarious. Sometimes the League has to dig deeper for their desired results and just dig up some old rule that they never omitted from the book and apply it when necessary. I don't have time to get into it again, but if you want to see it, here's the video:
The best joke this week was told by ESPN when they fired true funnyman Hank Williams Jr. from singing their played out intro song to Monday Night Football. As one probably already has heard, Bocephus did his thing this week when he compared President Obama to Adolf Hitler on the show Fox and Friends.
That is where Hank messed up. He thought he was on safe grounds with the Fox News Network, but by using Hitler as the punchline even they knew that was wrong. If he used a lesser known evil tyrant, say Pope Clement V, he might have been able to get away with it. Hell, hearing the word "Pope" would probably make those morning idiots on Fox think it was a compliment, not knowing he was referring to the man who l... [More]
If week 2 of the NFL season reminded us that it is a lie. The third week stepped it up a notch by also telling us it is a joke. We did okay by hitting our Irish Car Bomb of the Week with Denver, but still wound up 2-2.
The hilarious joke that NFL told at the end of the Bears/Packers game is what prevented the 3-1 results. There is nothing like an inexplicable hose job to remind us of exactly who is always in charge.
The Bears, getting 3.5 points, were down by 10 with one minute remaining about to receive the ball. Up until this point the Packers were dominating the game and fully deserved of the victory, which of course means nothing in covering the spread.
Chicago was set up for a vintage backdoor cover if they could score a "meaningless" touchdown and only lose by 3. Lovie Smith, realizing the importance of covering the number, called for a trick play punt return that was executed to perfection. All eyes were on the best kick returner of all time, Devin Hester, as he ran to the left side of the field faking like he was going to receive the punt. It confused everyone, as the ball went to the other side and Johnny Knox who was all alone to rush up the sideline for a touchdown to cover city. The Packers called it the greatest play they have ever seen. Lovie did it! He didn't save this play for some game where the victory was in balance. No, he pulled out his greatest play so that the Bears could cover the spread!
Unfortunately, the play also confu... [More]
The first week of the NFL year is a lie. Every September, the opening act of the football season dutifully performs its objective to get every fan falsely full of confidence. If one wins, then they immediately dismiss the rest of the season as child's play simply getting in the way of the inevitable dominance. If one loses, than they are equally as confident that everything you have ever believed in was a sham, and now they must run for cover and try to salvage any remaining valuables before the ship sinks.
Neither is true, but its fun to believe. I was actually mad that I did not go 4-0 in Week 1 instead of counting my lucky Tom Cruises' that I salvaged a 3-1 effort. The winners were easy I thought, this year is definitely going to be different, the one where the city of Las Vegas simply couldn't keep up with my insights.
Then week 2 told me to shut the fuck up. My Irish Car Bomb of the week actually pushed (Buffalo-3), and it was the greatest tie in the history of my life. At least until this weekend.
I love games like this, being part of a historic comeback where Buffalo, down 21-3 at half, scored touchdowns on 5 consecutive drives to win the game. I told the story to a non football fan friend, drive by drive concluding with the impossible 4th down conversion touchdown with only seconds remaining like I was recalling my conquering of Moby Dick.
He seemed pol... [More]
9/11 is truly a day we will never forget as we opened up by going 3-1 in our Irish bomb explosions picks. There were many heroes that emerged from that fateful day whose honor will always be cherished in our gambling hearts. Ted Ginn Jr. is one of those great Americans.
Our Irish car bomb explosion pick of the week was going as expected as the SF 49ers were dominating the Seahawks in the first half. Pete Carroll was doing his part by continuing to play Tarvarus Jackson at quarterback. San Francisco wisely refused to widen their lead, deciding to kick 4 separate field goals from inside the 5 yard line in fear that a blowout would lead to a Tarvarus benching. The lead remained a paltry 16-0 at halftime, due to Harbaugh's secret field goal weapon, Frank Gore.
Frank Gore loves getting stuffed at the goal line, as there is no better back at getting stonewalled from one yard out. The Niners had the ball on the 1 yard line six times in one series thanks to a Seattle penalty on 4th down, and gave Gore the ball all 6 times. He has the perfect form, low center of gravity, head and eyes completely down towards the turf setting up the perfect target to get stoned and dropped by a minimum of 4 unblocked defenders. Gore sprints right towards the line defying science by creating zero momentum once the initial contact is made. No back is better than Gore of collapsing straight down to the ground when met with any resistance like he heard gunshots. He goes strai... [More]
I do not acknowledge the Thursday night concert series that the NFL has conjured up the last couple of years to "kickoff" the football season. The NFL is good at a lot of things, like replacing my deity on the Sabbath, but throwing a party is not one of them. I don’t want Lady Annabellum being introduced by Chris Collinsworth before I decide who to throw money down on. The game never seems real, because drinking and gambling on a Thursday night seems like an appropriate thing to do, and nothing tilts me more than doing the right thing. Gambling on NFL Sunday is the only correct measure, because everything we have been taught tells us it is wrong. And I want fighter jets in the background of my demise.
The first bloody Sunday is upon us as the NFL season opens on September 11th, allowing us to remember all of the fallen heroes who bravely gave their lives so we can scream violently at over sized plasma screens. The military overtones will be in full force this Sunday forcing us to put things in to perspective. Just when you are done plotting the murder of Braylon Edwards for laughing off another dropped touchdown, the team coyly deploys a war hero out of the corner of the end zone reuniting with his unsuspecting wife. It is a stroke of genius that allows for a quick exit strategy of the real reasons why you are crying. No longer are you a degenerate who lost half your bankroll on a lock teaser, but now you are one of the million proud patriots who acknowledge the real... [More]
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