cj380's Blog

Posted Monday, July 07, 2014 06:05 PM

Braves/Mets Very Professional Analysis

A lot of peeps are very militantly hammering the Braves tonight as they go up against that belly dancer Dice K tonight in the same matchup they just won. I guess Vegas has craiglist postings in spam mode for cook positions as they prepare to hand out free buffets along with that tasty Braves line tonight huh.

Teenagers with little to no experience are violently filling out applications to work in the buffets as they are instructed to submit their envelopes to Sous Chef Phandi Haquoon as he multitasks between conducting interviews and cooking curry chicken heads at the MGM.

Phandi: Mr. Johnson, what are your qualifications

Applicant: My ambition as a ridah (as he adjusts his bandana to look like Tupac)

Phandi: Ok, you will begin your first shift at 5 pm. You are responsible for your transportation and please do be advised that there will be a lot of almond butter on the streets on the way here because Vegas is about to be barebacked tonight on the Braves moneyline. Please be cautious.

Meanwhile in New York, Justin Upton hits his third homerun of the first inning and strikes a plane that over shot LaGuardia Aiport by a mile. The plane does not crash, however male one passenger is traumatized as it hits his window cracking it. The homerun is called fair. After the third inning, 50 cent is summoned from his raggedy nearby neighbourhood to take over pitching duties from Matsuz... [More]

Posted Friday, June 20, 2014 07:04 PM

Rangers/Angels Professional Analysis

A lot of peeps are violently pounding the Angels runline with that scrub Joe Saunders on the mound huh? I guess Mickey Mouse and every other mascot from the Magic Kingdom will cast a spell on LA bats to hit at a flawless average tonight while Texas continues to battle Houston for second last in the division.

Disneyland is offering free babysitting services for kids while their parents are off to Vegas to take advantage of this line as well as the complimentary escorts upon check-in at the MGM. A random nomad finds himself wandering through the desert and into the Oasis where he decides to check in at the MGM (thinking it was some raggedy hostel). He checks out of the hotel the following morning in fury as he writes a complaint letter on the satisfaction form (of which he requires an additional loose leaf sheet of paper attached to the form due to his endless list of complaints). The first complaint reads:

"I did not get any sleep last night as I was disturbed by a combination of two sounds: excessive headboard banging and periodic increases of volume from the stereos blaring Barry White. I was not satisfied with my stay and would like a refund."

Meanwhile dust falls off the cowboy hats of the men in Texas as they two step their way into the roadhouses to watch the game, only to realize that they missed Mike Trout hitting for the cycle in the first inning (in which the homerun hit Aladdin off the magic carpet near Space Mountain. He fell and injured... [More]

Posted Monday, June 09, 2014 06:14 PM

Tigers/White Sox Professional Analysis

A lot of people are violently pounding the Tigers. I guess a Plenty Vault has been placed in Mo Town and the city has abandoned it's Ghost Town Certificate Status and is flourishing once again as the wealthiest city in the United States huh?
Ford Triumphantly trots their 2015 Ford Focuses through the streets of Detroit and honks the horns as Miguel Cabrera hits another homerun out of the US Cellular park and into the former Cabrini Green projects injuring a gunman and denting the bottom right corner of Zizi's Deep Dish Pizza cart. The White Sox, who had great success against Porcello in the past now find themselves swinging with pool noodles and wondering why the ball does not fly more than 17 and a half inches away from home plate. Jose Abreu is summoned back to Havana for a Birthday Bash. 
Meanwhile in Vegas, the city is invaded by hooligans in Tigers Jerseys and even Mike Tyson's Tiger is let loose to roam the strip. Kids in Miguel Cabrera jerseys are playing dice and blasting Avicii while their mothers take advantage of the free coach purse vouchers at Caesars Palace, while their fathers......well let's just say headboards are banging in every hotel and leave it at that....
Residents in the greater Chicago area are warned that Lake Michigan tides are unusually high. Bombquesha can be seen gathering J Rock's kids and running into the United Center to hide. She impatiently exclaims to the usher that she is disabled and needs priority refuge in the executive su... [More]

Posted Wednesday, June 04, 2014 07:27 PM

Cardinals/Royals Professional Analysis

A lot of Peeps are violently hammering the St. Louis moneyline today while a flock of Cardinals soar through the Gateway to the west arch.

I guess Vegas is bending over and giving gamblers just a tempting enough line so that grandparents, parents, and children can paint the strip with Aloe Vera lotion in a fun family filled festival so that they can all claim a part in allowing the Vegas to be barebacked in the atmosphere of a sweet luscious scent.

Meanwhile in Kansas, everybody is working overtime and witnessing their barbecue grills go up in flames as they scramble to take refuge in their customized trailers. You can sweat forming and triangulating in the lower back regions of many wife beaters, as the men of the trailer parks just can't catch a break these days. Even Jerusalem Café is shut down due to an explosion, and every Midwestern hog was about to miss out on their daily gyros....but look who comes to the rescue once again: Fakooki Fubuquishi.

Just a few hours away across the state, everyone is violently waving their 2011 Championship Hats above their heads as the St. Lunatics peform at the Scotttrade Center. The show is delayed midway through the session, as the bandaid on falls off Nelly's face and onto the dusty stage, but nobody cares because the big screen is showing the final inning of the game and Adam Wainwright is preparing to pitch his 27th consecutive strikeout en route to a perfect game. 



Posted Monday, June 02, 2014 04:38 PM

Pirates/Padres Professional Analysis

Alot of peeps are violently hammering the Pirates now that they have value and are looking to conquer Southern California. I guess Tim Stauffer is going to walk onto the mound with a Vince McMahon strut and give up another 7 runs before recording his second out of the game again huh? 
An elderly tourist couple staying at the MGM has filed a request to relocate to a different floor because there is excessive headboard banging on Floor number 9...I guess they missed the memo that every visitor received ten grand at the airport accompanied by a free escort pass in agreement that they place every penny on the complimentary Pirates win at +105. Even the bottom of the hotel invoice notice reads "headboards will be violently banging, and the MGM Grand does not take responsibility for the noise".
Meanwhile in San Diego, the city is affected by all the headboard banging as well. An earthquake is triggered by their neighboring state, in which the Seaworld experiences cracks in the aquarium glass. A seven year old boy is viciously attacked by an escaped flopping Beluga Whale, while a platypus is spotted knocking plates over at a Californian Pizza Kitchen. Fakooki points and laughs thinking that he will now receive all the business, but his excitement is shortlived as a shard of glass flies involuntarily into his gyro stand slicing his meat block into inedible portions. 
Meanwhile in Pittsburgh, every steel worker stomps his workboots in a militant manner as Pedro Alva... [More]

Posted Saturday, May 31, 2014 04:55 PM

Cincinnati Reds/Arizona Diamondbacks Professional Analysis

The pilates session has officially been extended, as Vegas extends out to grab her ankles with that gift of a -105 line on the Cincinnati Reds with Johnny Baseball pitching today against the second most raggedy team in the majors.

"All the way behind your head....extend your legs ALL THE WAY BEHIND YOUR HEAD!" yells the Pilates Instructor in an encouraging manner.

I guess Brandon McCarthy has every intention of taking his gas can self out into the heat and then setting the ...mound ablaze and having another implosion performance huh? Fans ranging from adolescents all the way to senior citizens find themselves being pricked by cacti multiple times as the barrage their way into Chase Field, while Chase themselves witness their bank become a victim of twenty five million dollars worth of briefcases stolen where the robbery occurred when security guards were distracted by a trans am parked outside of the building holding the safe.

Jrock and Bombquesha decide to take an excursion to the Grand Canyon, while the kids cuss and fight in the backseat over the Nintendo DS possession (Ray Ray had just evolved his roster of Pokémon but CeeCee wants his turn to catch up). They realize that they have escaped chaos in both Phoenix and Vegas, as tumbleweed and coyotes continue to invade both locations. Meanwhile a tour bus company from Vegas is approaching bankruptcy, and can no longer hire quality drivers or keep up with maintenance. The bus drives right int... [More]

Posted Friday, May 30, 2014 04:50 PM

Mets/Phillies Professional Analysis

Alot of peeps are violently hammering the Phillies. I guess A.J. Burnett is going to put his hernia on hold tonight and pitch a no hitter while fans enjoy free cheesesteaks at Citizen Bank Park huh?

Hotel Clerk: Mr. Montero, you say you are the starting pitcher tonight? All we need is your First name, Last name, and date of birth. You gave us a little too much information telling us the exact sequence of pitches that you are going to throw from 1-115. That information was not necessary.
Rafael Montero: I felt it was necessary to let everybody know so that the Phillies can hit me while Vegas loses a billion dollars today (through a spanish translator).
Rafael Montero goes back to tipping his pitches, as even the drunk tourists at the Bellagio can tell exactly when he is going to throw a change up while they violently wave their shirts over their heads as Ryan Howard hits another homerun. Phandi Haquoon is once again working overtime at the buffet as Vegas has instituted that they will be handing out free buffets again today while they apply Aloe Vera once again on every entrance of sportsbooks and prepare to extend their legs behind their heads. 
Fans from the New York area are denied in a manner beyond militant proportions when they try to enter the stadium. "Go back to ghetto Queens!" yells a security guard as he points away from the venue and a Big Willie Style CD falls out of the inside pocket of his uniform (which he quickly retrieves before anyo... [More]

Posted Thursday, May 29, 2014 03:44 PM

Royals/Jays Professional Analysis

Alot of peeps are aggressively pounding the Blue Jays while violently waving their Toronto flags as they sing O Canada on every balcony in North America. I guess the Royals are going to graciously accept being swept by the raggedy Astros and walk through Canadian Customs with the intention of bending over and allowing Toronto to extend their win streak to double digits huh?



Customs and Immigration Officer Walter Smith: Purpose of the trip sir?


Billy Butler: to walk into Rogers Center and get railed by the hottest team in baseball and get thrown into Lake Ontario without a life jacket while Canadians stand on the shore and point and laugh at my 250 lb frame trying to tread water.


Customs and Immigration Officer Walter Smith: Alright sir, please proceed.




Meanwhile in Kansas, people are already talking about college basketball while they load another rack of baby back ribs onto the grill as they witness another tornado touchdown in the horizon. In Vegas, every tourist claims that they are from Canada (born and raised) as they sport their Jose Bautista jerseys and waltz into Wynn to make a $12K bet on the Jays, while Phandi Haquoon prepares curry chicken at the buffet in an accelerated manner after discovering that the food will be complimentary all day long.

Fakooki can't catch a break as he watches another ball fly out of the opened roof Rogers Center and k... [More]

Posted Tuesday, May 13, 2014 06:46 PM

Texas Rangers/ Houston Astros Professional Analysis

A lot of peeps are violently pounding the Texas Rangers at that easy -108 line huh?
I guess theft was legalized before marijuana in Nevada, as clearly the security at the MGM are turning a blind eye to all the tourists taking bag loads of casino chips out the backdoor while tripping on tumbleweed and making it real obvious. 
Officer Smith: How did you acquire so many chips when it is clear that you do not have the budget to bet big at the blackjack tables?
Raggedy Tourist: I...um....found it...
Officer Smith: Ok, have a nice day. 
Every buffet is free with the choice of one complimentary escort of five selected ethnic backgrounds, meanwhile.... in Houston, space shuttles are launching involuntarily off the launch pad and NASA headquarters are going haywire as another rocket gets hit by an Adrian Beltre grand slam forcing the craft into the Gulf of Mexico. In Dallas, fans are violently waving their cowboy hats and unemployment glasses in the air as the Rangers become the first team to score 27 runs in a single inning. 
Fakooki Fagabuquishi teams up with Phandi Haquoon in merging gyro recipes outside of Minute Maid Park only to have a another ball knock over the stack of freshly baked baklava. They are forced to relocate to the slums where Bombquesha refuses to eat lamb meat because they get stuck in her gold grills, but nobody cares because everybody is on the Rangers and have upgraded to Caviar dinners. ... [More]

Posted Friday, May 09, 2014 05:11 PM

Friday's Analysis (Yankees/Brewers)

Yankees/Brewers

In a battle of unfamiliar foes, the New York Yankees will visit Miller Park for only the second time ever to face the Milwaukee Brewers for the first time in three years. Masahiro Tanaka will continue to introduce himself to teams in the MLB with his nasty arsenal, while Yovani Gallardo likewise will be looking to take advantage of a ball club that has never seen his stuff (as a team).

There are a handful of guys on New York that have faced Gallardo, mainly being the free agents brought in from the NL in the offseason. None of them have had any significant success against him besides Carlos Beltran’s .286 average through 21 at bats against the right handed breaking ball expert. Also, the Yankees will lose the AL privilege of the Designated Hitter role for the first time this season, and will see their pitcher Tanaka replace their slugger Alfonso Soriano in the batting roster today. This should mean one expected auto-out per rotation that they are not used to working with. Also, the remainder of the lineup with the exception of Mark Teixeira, are not significant power hitters. Going up against a groundball pitcher, chances of longballs will be minimized.

On the other end, Milwaukee has definitely started to cool down overall. Losing Ryan Braun did not help the case either. This will be Tanaka’s chance to take advantage of a declining team at bat, and for the first time in his major league career, he will also get to throw to the opposin... [More]

Posted Wednesday, May 07, 2014 05:56 AM

Clippers/Thunder Professional Analysis

"Kevin Durant is MVP and made an emotional speech"

GOOGLE TRANSLATION

"Vegas will bend over and get barebacked by every OKC bettor on that easy -5.5 line"

...

I guess the Clippers are taking their game one win and ordering champagne in every raggedy bar in Oklahoma. The celebrations continue as Blake Griffin shows up drunk to game two looking like a confused Cyclops on the court. Kevin Durant delightfully two steps into Chesapeake Energy Arena with his trophy, as he can also now bench press more than 185 lbs. He then proceeds to begin the game with eleven consecutive treys in the first 6 minutes as if he were a Midwestern woman at a buffet. Fans violently chant "OKC!" as Jrocks kids take selfies (hashtagging ?#?BeatLA?) with the MVP trophy and steal popcorn from the vendors while employees are staring at the lobby screen.

Meanwhile in Vegas, architecture is collapsing once again as the awful stench at the Excalibur finally causes King Arthur to drop his sword, which falls over and slices through the glass pyramid of the Luxor injuring four people (two slightly overweight males from Wyoming and two escorts). In Huntington Beach, surfers get attacked by a school of Great White Sharks, but nobody cares because the rest of the nation is fist pumping in a manner so supportive that even Steven Adams starts to develop some swag en route to a triple digit victory.

... [More]

Posted Saturday, May 03, 2014 04:07 PM

Grizzlies/Thunder Professional Analysis

A lot of peeps are pounding the Thunder in a manner so violent that it makes Battle Royale look like a treehouse lemonade meeting. I guess just because Zbo decided to walk his Dhalsim-from-Street-Fighter-looking ass over to Steven Adams and extend is arm out right at his head and into a suspension, the Grizzlies are now just going to bend over and let KD & co run a train on them huh?

Every man in a nearby trailer park out side of Memphis tries to strangle themselves with their wife beaters as they watch Ray Ray and his friends walk out of their trailers while their wives militantly profess their innocence. The Land of the Volunteer suddenly becomes just that....volunteers to offer free reacharounds. Meanwhile, Donald Sterling graciously offers his precious time to visit Tennessee on volunteer to be a public speaker in several Campaigns supporting racism. 

In Oklahoma City however, chaos ensues as fans riot viciously when Russel Westbrook drains another three to extend the Thunder lead to seventy six points late in the second quarter. The chaos is so prolific that it looks like a tornado struck...meanwhile a tornado actually does touchdown in the suburbs, but nobody cares, because every OKC backer in the nation has already put in down payments on mansions half way into the game.   



Posted Thursday, May 01, 2014 04:59 PM

Pacers/Hawks Professional Analysis

It is a nice balmy day in Southern Nevada. An Alaskan tourist on the strip thinks he saw a palm tree for the first time in his life, but he is immediately corrected by a Vegas official.

"That sir, is not a palm tree. It is a coconut tree, and those are coconut gatherers," exclaims the slightly overweight Hispanic man in an officer uniform.."We are trying to extract as much coconut butter to create more lotion to rub on every casino owner as we are about to get bent over for the duration of the Pacers/Hawks game by offering a pick em to the number one seed in the Eastern conference today......oh and did I mention, we are offering free buffets, escorts, and reacharounds with them as well".

I guess everybody in Indianapolis will be violently fist pumping at White River State Park as they watch the big screen and see Paul George riding shotgun in Ludacris' Cadillac into Phillips Arena immediately draining a three from courtside to kick things off. Indiana Jones shakes his head is disgust saying that he prefers treasures with more challenging obstacles, while Jrock's kids quietly sneak up and steal his satchel. They then proceed to join a nearby house party as they vibe to Dem Franchise Boyz on the ghetto blaster, while their mother Bombquesha gets jealous and decides to steal a purse herself. Meanwhile, at the coca cola factory, a disaster occurs and Officer Smith continues to direct traffic around the soda oozing out into residential areas. He has an overwork... [More]

Posted Tuesday, April 29, 2014 05:55 PM

Warriors/Clippers Professional (Can't Lose) Analysis

Donald Sterling is banned....Hallelujah!

I guess Vegas officials are violently rejoicing heavily that they not only decided to soak themselves with the leftover Aloe Vera and bend over with that 211 line, but even allow it to drop to 209 despite every gambler violently waving their "Stop Racism" signs while hammering the OVER simultaneously huh?

Vegas may be sitting there pointing, staring, and laughing at the 2.5 million dollar fine that Sterling received, but likewise Bomb...quesha is pointing, staring, and laughing, at the Treasure Island ship trying to stay afloat oozing with Aloe Vera looking like something out of a raggedy Goosebumps novel, while she cashes in her over and expands her Grill selection options to the exclusive galleries at Tiffany's. There is a violent roar at the Staples Center as every superstar continues to hit 1s, 2s, and 3s, like an overworked accountant at a recognized firm while the shootout continues. Steph Curry and Chris Paul continue to exchange "shots against racism" and the scoreboard reads LAC 174 GSW 171 late in the third quarter. Even Fakooki militantly throws a gyro from his stand outside of the venue and gets it into the basket with sheer precision.

The suicidal nerds pick up the phone at the Golden Gate Bridge and immediately call their bookies instead of the suicide hotline, but proceed to dive head first into the Bay anyways due to accumulated discombobulating in their heads from all the Google assignm... [More]

Posted Monday, April 28, 2014 03:48 PM

Spurs/Mavericks Professional Analysis (Must read for inside info)

A lot of peeps violently pounding the Spurs like the headboard in the Hip Hop room at Planet Hollywood after the free escort brochures that Vegas handed out along with that -4.5 line. Even Donald Sterling finds himself putting money on the Spurs despite his favorite player being Dirk Nowitzki (for reasons unknown). I guess San Antonio didn't like seeing a fellow ancient athlete hit a game winner, and are now going to beat him to death with a dinosaur bone en route to a 30 poi...nt victory in the Big D huh? Popovich held a discus throwing drill last night for Ginobli, Parker, and Duncan at the Roman Coliseum to refresh memories of childhood success, and now the big three can hit shots all the way from Forth Worth. Meanwhile, in Dallas a tornado touches down forcing residents to seek refuge at the American Airlines Center to watch their team get railed, but it is not any safer because, while they may be safe from flying debris, they suddenly find themselves subject to being trampled by Ginobli's pet Triceratops that he will not leave home alone because of the bandits in the San Antonio region.

The Mandallay Bay in Vegas helpessly witnesses another Beluga Whale perish due to negligence because the hotel can no longer afford to sardines to feed them, and five year old tourist Shaylene cries hysterically while her parents explain to her the Circle of Life process in front of the massive aquarium.

... [More]

Posted Sunday, April 27, 2014 06:42 PM

Raptors/Nets Professional Analysis

A Grand Canyon tour bus approaches the Las Vegas metropolitan area. Passengers start to notice an abundance of an unusual form of vegetation in the area. It appears that Aloe Vera is suddenly growing naturally on and around the strip, and Vegas has assigned harvesters to extract the plant to create lotion for a more sensual experience while being barebacked by tourists on that easy Nets -4 cover.

I guess every gambler is going to violently raid the casinos while the MGM very quickly transforms into Hotel Rwanda where Sportsbooks staff take refuge in the backrooms. Back in Toronto, the only thing that is uprising north are the tides on Lake Ontario getting ready to submerge the entire city while every home owner hides underneath their raggedy Canadian flags. America doesn't mind, because now Jay-Z is down to 98 problems and you can bet that the Raptors ain't one. Even the statue of Liberty is violently and involuntarily waving the torch above her head as Paul Pierce hops off his spikeless Stegosaurus and drains a shot from Brownsville to put the Nets up by 27 points. After tonight the only people chanting "We the North!" are Alaskans and relatives of Yvonne from the Yukon. Bombqueesha quietly cancels her plans to expand her horizon and visit Canada, as she decides to buy another set of grills with her winning ticket, while her children violently protest as they have yet to go on a vacation outside of the boondocks..It's that easy huh? Ok guy.



Posted Thursday, April 24, 2014 01:42 PM

Clippers/Warriors Professional Analysis

Receptionist: Thank you for calling Ping Pang Pilates, How may I help you?

Caller: Hi, I am just calling to enroll in one of your extended Pilates sessions today.

Receptionist :Absolutely, can I have your first and last name please?

...

Caller: First name is Las, Last name is Vegas.

Receptionist: Perfect, and what made you want to join Pilates?

Caller: We are just trying to prepare ourselves for all the ankle grabbing we are going to be doing tonight on that easy -2 Clippers line that we are offering.

I guess the Clippers are just going to move like Bernie across the Golden Gate Bridge and easily take this game by double digits again huh? Everybody violently jumps on the line, while every raggedy Bay area Warriors fan jumps off the bridge in disgust as Blake Griffin jumps over the entire traffic jam and dunks one to start off the game at Oracle Arena. Some ?#?BeatLA? signs are seen, but it is with almost immediate realization that those signs are being carried by slightly overweight mid thirty males with Sharks Jerseys on, as they fidget impatiently at the Cal train station. A few hours south, a violent roar can be heard as Southern Californians claim to be Clippers fans since day one.

Even post game, Officer Smith continues to direct disgruntled Warriors fans off the Golden Gate Bridge while telling them to ignore the number to call on the side of the pillar. Fakooki sets up his gyro stand strategically 300 yard... [More]

Posted Tuesday, April 22, 2014 05:15 PM

Yankees/Red Sox Analysis

In one of the biggest rivalries in North American sports, the New York Yankees will come into Fenway Park to face the Boston Red Sox in the second series meeting this season.

The storm has come to a calm after all the ?#?Bostonstrong? hype this weekend...and indeed, Boston showed some perseverance against the Baltimore Orioles, coming back from a 5-0 deficit to win the game on Sunday, and then nearly coming back from a 6-0 deficit yesterday. However, both games only became a...s dramatic as they did because of single inning implosions by the Red Sox starting pitching these last two days. On Sunday, Jake Peavy saw himself coming off to a very shaky start in the first inning giving up three runs right off the get go. On Monday, Clay Buchholz had arguably the gas can inning of his career as he gave up 6 runs in 7 hits in the top of the third inning. Jon Lester will not want to join that embarrassing company.

Fortunately for Lester, the Yankees are not as offensively dangerous as the Orioles personnel wise, and the lefty has had recent success against the Bombers in his last five starts (going 3-1 with one no decision posting a 2.77 ERA). More importantly, Lester has been pitching on an elite level since last August..and he has picked up right where he left off starting off the 2014 season with a 2.17 ERA in four quality starts. Although the Yankees lineup is a little different, he still has great numbers against the current squad and already held them to ... [More]

Posted Sunday, April 20, 2014 07:06 PM

Orioles/Red Sox Professional Analysis

What's that sound? sounds like the headboard is banging in every Vegas hotel...or maybe it's just everyone pounding the Boston Red Sox in a manner beyond violent proportions. Or maybe it is the headboard banging at the MGM, as every tourist takes advantage of the free escorts and reacharounds that they are handing out on the strip with that easy Red Sox win tonight. So Ubaldo is just going to continue to be stationary piñata at a non blindfold charity swing huh? Every fan in New England violently wave their #Bostonstrong signs in the stands while being told to remain silent during the ceremony, while the Orioles quiver with fear as they stare at the trans am that Jake Peavy rolls up in. Meanwhile in Vegas, every sportsbook is bent over while gambler cashes in and immediately heads to the free buffet. Even the Statue of Liberty in New York New York finds itself slouching forward in a bending position.

"Why don't you go paaaaakkk somewhere else?" yells a Bostonian as Fakooki tries to setup his Gyro stand near Fenway (to no avail)...but he don't care, because the parade has already been planned after this easy win huh? Ok guy.

 



Posted Tuesday, April 15, 2014 02:11 PM

Mariners/Rangers Analysis

After being humiliated by the Seattle Mariners in their own park last night, the Texas Rangers will be looking to rebound in a more perceived favorable pitching matchup against their surging division rivals. With Blake Beavan making his season debut in what will be a bit of an emergency call up for the Mariners, many bettors are violently pounding the home favorite while it still has value in what... looks to be like an easy Texas rebound. Let’s take a look at where things may be more than meets the eyes.

There is no doubt that Blake Beavan is still far from an established major league pitcher. There was also a lot of disappointment in Spring Training on behalf of Blake’s performance. However, after given one more (and quite possibly his last) opportunity to crack the Mariners staff in one way or another, it is hard to imagine that the 25 year old isn’t motivated to keep his career alive tonight. He has been a little better form-wise down in Tacoma in his two minor league starts, and should have every reason to pitch one of the best games of his major league career here.

While Texas has been known to be the offensive juggernauts of the last half decade or so, that might no longer be the case these days. So far this season, the Rangers have only been able to display offensive flare on blue moons (unfortunately last night was a red moon), and are still struggling to get their offense going. In reality though, should they really be a top hitting team in baseball th... [More]

Posted Monday, April 14, 2014 03:43 PM

MLB Analysis (Braves/Phillies)

In this NL East matchup, two new starters will get a chance to break into a division rivalry. The Braves will be led by their newly acquired and highly sought after ace Ervin Santana, as they fly into the city of Brotherly Love. The Phillies took a chance with Fausto Carmona (AKA Roberto Hernandez) in the offseason, and he will be looking to make a quality start tonight against a team who has not seen too much of him.

Let's break down a couple ...of things. First off, the line has been moving in favor of a Phillies win despite Chase Utley sitting out and a perceived pitching mismatch tonight. The line has also been moving in full favor of an over, probably largely because of the wind blowing out and the over trends observed by the eyes of many. However, these are two pitchers that have fully established styles that favor groundballs.

Ervin Santana has really begun to master his slider, and has already carried his momentum from last season into this season. He pitched eight scoreless innings in his season debut versus the New York Mets. The Phillies may generally be an unpredictable team, but game one will be a tough feat against a great pitcher who is still introducing himself to the National League. The concern here should not be Ervin giving up runs.

While Roberto Hernandez's ERA may be alarmingly high in the recent years, his first two starts to the season did not suggest that he took a step forward nor backwards coming into the 2014 campaign. Herna... [More]

Posted Wednesday, April 09, 2014 03:42 PM

Texas/Boston Analysis

Early Play:

After running a Texas train on Doubront & Co, the Rangers will be looking to extend their momentum into the rubber match of a three game series in Fenway Park against the Boston Red Sox. Fortunately for them, they have the privilege of facing Jake Peavy, a veteran who some of the current Rangers have had incredible success against in the past.

Robbie Ross will be starting in his second game (ever) this afternoon. After a couple stellar bullpen campaigns, Ross did ...not hesitate to display his strikeout ability in his first career start last week as he fanned seven Phillies batters and gave up 2 earned runs in his five inning debut. Today, he will have the advantage of facing a Red Sox squad who has not seen much of him.

Essentially, this should be a game where the strong bats of Texas carry their momentum into a pitching matchup which actually favors them (contrary to Vegas giving the benefit of the doubt to the more experienced starter). Expect them to complete the series with authority.

Texas ml +125



Posted Wednesday, April 02, 2014 05:37 PM

Bulls/Hawks Professional Analysis

While Fakooki quietly switches the goat meat back to lamb at his gyro shack, he watches with awe as the public hammers the Chicago Bulls. I guess Vegas missed the memo that we entered a time machine and warped back to 1997 huh?

Derrick Rose watches from the top of the Willis Tower as his team walks into Atlanta and waltz their way around town, while the score skyrockets higher than the unemployment rate in Atown. Meanwhile, the dirtbikers in the cage on Fremont and revving r...ecklessly and in a manner beyond violent proportions, as they flaunt their betting slips and their new billion dollar life insurance plans while every bum fist pumps from their beds in the flood tunnels. The Bulls continue to hit threes from Cobb County and play pranks outside of Ludacris' mansion like it's still April 1st. On top of the free buffets and reach arounds on the strip, Chicago's deep dish stands are offering free pizzas and unfortunately going out of business after tonight huh? Ok guy, I guess Atlanta's 8 point win over the surging 76ers wasn't enough to carry the momentum against the dream team tonight.


Posted Wednesday, April 02, 2014 05:20 PM

Yanks/Astros Professional Analysis

Yanks/Astros

Following the season opener for these two teams, will be a better pitching matchup. The Houston Astros violently stormed into the season in an attempt to prove that they are not going to be the April Fools joke of the day (and the joke of the season for that matter) and managed to smash C.C. Sabathia and get his early season ERA almost as high as his cholesterol level. Tonight, the New York Yankees will be looking to rebound with a better pitching and hitting ef...fort.

The only problem lies in the fact that they will be facing a young phenom who really did not give any team anything to work with in their first at bats against him. Jarred Cosart was outstanding in his 10 starts last season, as he finished with a 1.95 ERA and several no decisions. In fact, the outing in which he was hit well (4 ER) in his early career so far was against a team who got to face him the second time around. Unfortunately for New York, it will be their first time seeing the kid (Ellsbury and Johnson are the only two guys who have actually been to the plate against Cosart). Jarred Cosart also appears to show no sign of instability in the big leagues whatsoever, and it can be expected that the Bombers will struggle with that cutter in this game.

On the other side is veteran Hiroki Kuroda, who really does not seem to be losing his stride despite his age. The earlier months in the season are where Kuroda does his best for a couple reasons. First of all, if there is an... [More]

Posted Tuesday, April 01, 2014 03:45 PM

MLB Professional Analysis (Rangers/PHillies)

March 31st, 2014 was certainly a day to forget for Fakooki.

The day started off like any ordinary morning at a Gyro stand, but things started to explode from there. The explosion was worse than the car bomb that Fakooki witnessed decades ago as a child. It started off with a violent gas can appearance by Stephen Strasburg which led to the first five under ticket being torn to shreds just shortly after the opening pitch. Fakooki then witnessed his Twins/White Sox under go up... in flames in the late stages of the game. Now you are probably thinking, how does this get any worse?

Fakooki's face was filled with horror as he received the terrible news that happened on the farm that supplies his Gyro stand. A shepherd was leading the lamb to the slaughterhouse when he was unexpectedly struck and killed by lightning. The lamb ended up walking single file across the entire pasture and into a nearby lake, causing Fakooki's Gyro stand to be out of meat right before the dinner rush (4:38pm ET)

Luckily, however, Fakooki received a phone call from a friend stating that he had smuggled 26 goats into the country, and that it should be enough to sustain the business until a new shepherd was trained. Although it is an unethical practice, Fakooki immediately arranged to have the goats transferred to a nearby slaughterhouse for business today.

While waiting for the goat meat to arrive, Fakooki looked on board and noticed a few things....

-AJ Burnett mastere... [More]

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