Posted 15 hours, 5 minutes ago
As Vegas officials are cleaning up following Fourth of July festivities, they are looking in pretty good shape as the Bellagio reinstates one more fountain. Sprinkler technicians are trying to figure out the right pressure so that the streams are congruent with one another, but are having a tough time doing so.
SUPERINTENDENT: Jorge, can you please adjust the pressure? It is way off.
SPRINKLER TECHNICIAN: I can hardly see it. I don't know what's wrong with my eyes lately. Sorry I will try my best.
SUPERINTENDENT: Well maybe it would help if you remove the blue, red, and white paint from your face.
However, Tourists are simply ignoring the fountains as they hear about the Drai's Beach Nightclub offering Tecate on tap tonight as their special, and are glad they chose to come to Vegas now. A visitor from Saskatchewan is trying to impress a group of females by buying beers for everyone, but trips on the shoe lace of his Air Jordans and falls into one of the pools. The pool is three feet deep, and he has no swimming experience, so he tosses and turns frantically until a bartender throws him a life jacket.
I guess Vegas is once against bending over as they lower the Washington Nationals line so that everyone can bet their grandfather's pension on the red hot Washington team with Fister on the mound against the raggedy Reds.
In Cincinnati, fans have already given up as they book their BB Riverboat Tour down the Ohio River tonight without even watc... [More]
Posted Friday, July 03, 2015 06:00 PM
On the eve of the weekend, Vegas has now added an extra bus to the Grand Canyon Tours. It is a school bus that was last used in 1992 after a special needs eighth grader threw a seat out the window, but it is an addition nonetheless. Fremont Street has been the focus of the budget after last night's Padres win, and it is looking as luxurious as it has ever been in 94 hours. "Keys please" says a valet agent smiling with pride as he prepares to park a 1996 Toyota Camry for a mil...dly overweight couple in their mid 60s who are newly retired and looking to spend their 25th year Wedding Anniversary in a lavish manner through the Fremont Experience.
It appears as so Vegas has signed up for Silver, Gold, Platinum, and Sapphire Headboard Protection plans as they prepare for the stampede of bettors placing money on a Pirates team whose offense has been coming home more often than a prodigal son with Alzheimer's. I guess free escort night continues, and today's feature escort ethnicity of the day is Antarctica.
In Cleveland, things do not look good as Lebron James announces that him and Kevin Love will be headed to South Korea to test the free agency market over a Kimchi Dinner with some executives. Bizzy Bone crawls out of a concrete crevice near downtown Cleveland (where he now resides) to see the news, and he appears to be devastated as well. Laqueefa and Jrocks kids are walking along the shores of Lake Eerie with a ghetto blaster playing Young Joc, as Jrock's olde... [More]
Posted Thursday, July 02, 2015 03:49 PM
Vegas is now slowly receiving funds to handle the more crucial sectors of development. The Grand Canyon Tours have now partnered up with Ming Ching Pao Enterprises to bring in new Coaches and Coach Drivers with at least thirty seven days of highway driving experience, which saw four successful tours last week only resulting in two lane change collisions combined (both near the Hoover Dam). The Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay added in one more adolescent Great White (which sadly ended up devouring the venue's longest serving dolphin, "Tuffy" who was in the aquarium since 2011... R.I.P. Tuffy). Most importantly however, the Graceland Wedding Chapel has received adequate funding to install alters.
Today however, they are offering a sexy -125 line on the Cardinals as every tourist looks at the standings and it is obvious what Vegas is trying to do here. They are clearly finding a reason to be generous, as Independence Day Festivities are in action and every gambler is dressed in Red, White, and Blue at the casinos.
Meanwhile in San Diego, the City is experiencing a nightmare as many aquarium glasses have broken at the Seaworld and tourists are screaming in horror as they flee the Mission District while being chased by various sea creatures. Hector is with his mom and dad as he ventures off and gets pricked my a sea urchin (He was just recently chased by a Manta Ray in South Florida). He cries hysterically and runs away losing his parents.
"Donde esta mi hijo... [More]
Posted Tuesday, June 30, 2015 06:53 PM
It is a beautiful Tuesday. Vegas continues it's recovery, and the Wynn ballroom has now upgraded to that of a dive corner pub. Madame Tussaud has now added a few more statues to her collection on the strip (Travis Barker, Papoose, Channing Fyre, and iCarly, just to name a few), but the Lady Gaga one still looks like a drooping candle that was used by one of the MGM guests on "Client Appreciation Free Escort Night". Laqueefa has now returned from Barbados with a new tan and a ...pair of Ray Ban sunglasses (fake) that she purchased near a stand leaning against a coconut tree. Nonetheless, there is still a lot of work to be done on the strip, as there is a whole lot of construction and maintenance needed and none of the construction workers are over 127 lbs.
It seems though that Vegas is once again looking to bend over and re offer the Bang One Get One Pick-your-ethnicity Escort Event with a choose one of three perks options including: Aloe Vera butter, Al Green stereo selection, or Escort pigtails...as they offer the Giants moneyline at underdog value against a raggedy Marlins team.
Meanwhile in Florida, things are looking disastrous as Hurricane Misty hits the shores of South Beach causing every bikini model and Cuban male to flee to safety. Rick Ross is having an outdoor fan appreciation concert and barbecue, as he sees tidal waves and has his third heart attack in four days. Paramedics try to revive him, and ultimately do when they carry him to safety near ... [More]
Posted Tuesday, June 23, 2015 06:39 PM
Vegas is finally functioning at 17.4% again, as the Bellagio fountains have received enough maintenance to have every second nozzle shooting streams without Jrock's kids urinating in the absence of the fountains. The Treasure Island Galleon has now installed a cannon on the starboard side. Craigslist actors and actresses have now been replaced on the ship by SAG union personnel who have had at least 17 days of experience in the theatrical and performing arts industry. However, the Excalibur Castle is now being invaded by fourteen year olds dressed as Warlocks. Things are looking bad as every window is being bombarded by customized tumbleweed, and there is nothing the Vegas officials can do.
I guess Vegas is now reaching around with the flexibility of a boneless Armadillo, as they offer that sexy underdog line on the Minnesota Twins coming off a colossal blowout against the raggedy southside White Sox.
The only thing squarer than the bettors on the Twins today is the Spongebob mascot at Nickelodeon Universe at the Mall of America near Minneapolis. Children under 6 ft tall are now permitted into the attraction, as Brenda spends her shift ornamenting 19 year olds with wristband passes.
19 YEAR OLD MALE GUEST: This is the Lego store right?
BRENDA: No, this is Nickelodeon Universe..Can you read?
19 YEAR OLD MALE GUEST: No. So I can't buy my Megatron toy here?
BRENDA: Not here no.
19 YEAR OLD MALE GUEST: (cries hysterically)
His parents... [More]
Posted Monday, June 22, 2015 06:41 PM
As Vegas slowly gathers herself, a lot of people are hammering the Yankees runline as Philly is an autofade for the rest of the season. I guess the strip has no choice but to shut down all water shows near the Caesar's Palace in efforts to pay every gambler this evening. The holes have finally been covered near the aft sections of the Treasure Island ships and shows will resume. Arthur, who is attempting his best Jack Sparrow impersonation, accidentally kicks the block of wood covering the hole. This causes the ship to sink as spectators watch in horror, as none of the actors have completed level four in swimming therefore cannot tread water. A headboard technician named Shane nearby happens to also have his lifeguard certification. In his kindhearted attempt, he throws a floatation device so that the actors can swim safely to shore.
SHANE: Will I be compensated for my lifeguard duties? I mean...I did save seventeen lives...
VEGAS OFFICIALS: No.
Meanwhile in Philadelphia, many families are visiting the Hall of Independence during the game. It is clear that the tour guides are getting very agitated with the Phillies lack of recent success.
TOURIST: So what was the purpose of this bell?
TOUR GUIDE: To ring.
TOURIST: I know, but what's the history behin--
TOUR GUIDE: To ring. To make noise! like you are right now! No more questions please (his face turns red and he grits his teeth as he checks the score on his ESPN app of his Iphone 2)
Posted Friday, June 19, 2015 06:52 PM
As Vegas regroups, a lot of recovery progress has been seen. The obelisk at the Luxor is now standing upright once again, but as of right now it sits right in the middle of the strip causing cabs, rental cars, and escort vans to be held back in traffic. One escort driver is not paying attention, and drives straight into the obelisk completely crumbling it as Hailey, who is an overweight escort from Wyoming flies through the windshield.
"I'm okay," she insists as she dusts of...f her Dark Blue limited edition Gallaghers 2000 anniversary tank top, while blood and cheeseburger crumbs drip from her second chin.
Shortly after the incident, Vegas has decided that they are going to get bent over no matter how juicy the Oakland A's are tonight.
"Sonny Gray is pitching tonight, Mr. Haquoon can you please start firing up the grills for the free buffet tonight?" orders a Treasure Island night manager.
Meanwhile in Anaheim, there is nothing but disaster. The Big Thunder Mountain railroad has derailed, and Hector tries to climb over the tracks to safety but immediately has his Winnie the Pooh corduroys tangled on a sharp edge of the track and struggles frantically to shake free.
"oooh Hectorino , mi hectorino ese!" yells his mom as she watches in horror.
Once again, Disneyland is having their "Kids under the age of 22 eat free" promo, therefore 243 month old Donovan is enjoying his Triton lollipop which is shaped like a golden scepter with a mus... [More]
Posted Thursday, June 18, 2015 06:30 PM
A lot of people are violently pounding the Atlanta Braves tonight as they are underdogs with a top three pitcher on the mound at home against a raggedy Red Sox team. Ok guy, I guess Vegas is just handing out free escorts upon check in at every hotel on the strip again.
Wynn Reception: Thank you for choosing Wynn, your room 604 on the sixth floor. Here are your keys.
Guest: Thanks. Oh yeah, I was wondering how much your escort rates are without a Headboard protection plan?
Wynn Reception: I'll give you a hint. The price for a night is lower than Shelby Miller's ERA.
Wynn Reception: Yes. Hortencia, please accommodate this young gentleman to his room.
"Liver alone. Cheese mine," exclaims a guest from Guadalajara as he comes out of nowhere grabs the escort by the hand and takes her away up to his room.
While this is going on, there is once again a coyote infestation on the strip and the infrastructure maintenance has become so poor that the Luxor obelisk has now fallen over and shattered the glass of the M & M store. Colored candies litter the floors of the shop and 8 year old Hector slips on one and flies head first into the Blue M & M mascot causing him to also tumble onto an overweight female tourist. She tries to sue the company (which would eventually be settled in house, where she would receive a lifetime supply of M & Ms).
In Boston, every Harvard nerd in Business Law Class 207 with Professor Williamson fai... [More]
Posted Thursday, June 04, 2015 06:34 PM
Vegas is finally rebuilding, as they now look to address the most crucial issues on the strip. They started by fixing the Air Conditioning at the Adventuredome at Circus Circus, Hector is still recovering from dehydration after being stuck on a jammed rollercoaster for eleven hours in ninety-eight degree heat.
HECTOR's MOTHER: ju wan some horchata Hectorito?
HECTOR: na na I want the nintendo DS ese
Nonetheless, the next important step was to address the inactive fountains at the Bellagio. As of right now, only enough money has come in meaning that only one stream of water can be seen. Jrock's kids mischievously decide to pee in where the inactive nozzles are, and this creates a very awkward looking water show. The main stream begins to build pressure, and suddenly a geyser erupts and drowns three loitering coyotes. In the process, it also sprays onto the strip and destroys Laqueefa's newly inserted cornrows. "why y'all gotta be frontin wit y'all jet skis like it some daytona 900 boat race up in this mfer? We got 40 billion homies in the country of Africa starvin and all and y'all be wastin water??
" she screams in sheer anger as she tries to find a towel.
I guess Vegas has no intentions of fixing those two remaining nozzles though, as they are now grabbing their ankles with that sexy Royals moneyline tonight.
Meanwhile in Cleveland, the fans could care less what is going on in the Indians game as they wave their raggedy Lebron headbands in the a... [More]
Posted Wednesday, June 03, 2015 07:08 PM
As Vegas slowly recovers step by step, they address a few important issues. First off they address the situation of the starving lions at the MGM, as they have gotten less food than a UN refugee over the past three weeks. The next crucial sector was to repair the aquarium glass at Mandalay Bay after 8 year old Hector was sliced in his finger by a swordfish in the observation lobby when the glass broke. Nonetheless, the fountains at the Bellagio are still inactive. The headboard fundraiser program is still lacking donations. The ATM machines still do not have security pins. The statue of Liberty at New York New York still looks like an armless statue of Macy Gray. Last but not least, the escorts and buffets are still free.
PHANDI HAQUOON: Marwin, please pull up your pants and leave the premises
As head chef Phandi Haquoon fires yet another employee for wearing a bandana into the kitchen blasting Young Jeezy on a portable ghetto blaster.
I guess Vegas is bending over again allowing everyone to cash in on that sexy Dodgers moneyline as they look to stomp the Rockies again following a ninth inning Grand Slam by Alex Guerrero last night.
Meanwhile in Beverly Hills, every celebrity is bragging about how much money they put on the Dodgers to the point that it sounds like an auction is going on at every high end sushi restaurant.
GEORGE CLOONEY: I have $96000 on the Dodgers tonight!
MILEY CYRUS: I have $97000 on them.
GEORGE CLOONEY: but mine is... [More]
Posted Tuesday, June 02, 2015 06:40 PM
It is a beautiful day. The sun is shining. Children are chattering with joy in the playground. Fakooki smiles as the warm spring air breezes near his Goat Gyro Stand. Tulips blossom near the pinless ATMs. Laqueefa is applying on her new braids getting ready for the Ludacris concert tonight. Headboard technicians enjoy their three minute lunch break. However, the fountains at the Bellagio still have an "Out of Order" sign next to them.
I guess Vegas is now extending their "Bang one get two free" escort offers, as long as every guest at the Mirage Resort brings their vouchers....which can be found at any McDonald's location.....by the straws and condiments.
Every tourist is trampling each other in line to get to the front of the sportsbook to take advantage of that easy Braves -106 line with Mister Under Two ERA on the mound.
Meanwhile just across the desert in Phoenix, chaos ensues as the Diamondbacks are down 13-0 in the first inning and every vacation house in Glendale is infested with rats the size of Golden Retrievers. 8 year old Hector tries to fend off one of the rats, but finds himself tripping and pricking himself on a nearby overgrown cactus. Tumbleweed rolls through phoenix, causing traffic delays on the Interstate 10. An Arizona strip club has been shut down for the day due to coyote attacks. Hortencia, who is a 187 lb veteran stripper that was seen doing body shots with Josh Hamilton in 2013, runs frantically into her Ford Escape while trying t... [More]
Posted Saturday, May 30, 2015 06:09 PM
Vegas took a bit of money back after last night's Astros loss, and NASA is back in control of their launch pads, but it did not take long for Jo Anne to release her new Pilates (Volume 2) Program in which Vegas cannot resist another ankle grabbing experience.
Jo Anne on the Video: On, Two, All the way down. One, Two, All the way down. Put your legs behind your head. Legs behind your head.
I guess it's no surprise that they are preparing themselves with coconut oil for a sensual experience from the Angels bettors today on that sexy -113 moneyline.
Back in Detroit, the city has become a real life Call of Duty Map, where all the empty houses are used as hiding spots. One of the soldiers accidentally stumble across Eminem's lawn and is chased away by rottweilers. His cover is blown immediately and he gets shot in the kneecap.
Meanwhile in Disneyland, everybody is violently waving their Mickey Mouse lollipops as they watch the game from Splash Mountain on the evening where kids under the age of 23 years old receive free Dumbo Elephant Ears. Snow White is seen throwing apples at who she thinks is the evil witch, but it turns out to be Hector's mother (who is watching to make sure her8 year old child doesn't fall off the Matterhorn Bobsled for the third time this week). Aladdin is seen sneaking off into a room with Cinderella and Jasmine. He is seen exiting out of a window on a flying carpet just three minutes later while violent screams and tiger growls are heard ... [More]
Posted Friday, May 29, 2015 07:20 PM
After the Red Sox win last night, Vegas slowly brings her legs down from behind her head.
A lot of people are hammering the Houston Astros in a manner so militant that it makes NASA's space shuttle launch feel like a nerf grenade. I guess Carlos Rondon has wholeheartedly volunteered to use the baseball as a pinata for special needs children with not blindfold involved.
Vegas will once again be installing pinless ATMs by the Bellagio fountains which were once active 27 and a half months ago. Overweight tourists are helping themselves to second and third servings of Filet Mignon at Phandi Haquoon's buffet at the Mirage, while he conducts another interview with a prospect line cook.
Phandi: Do you have any prior culinary experience sir.
16 year old Tyshawn: huh.
Phandi: Do you have any job experience whatsoever Mr. Johnson
16 year old Tyshawn: Bandz to make her dance
Phandi: ok you start your first shift in 23 minute.
Meanwhile in Chicago, Laqueefa is polishing her grills near the former Cabrini Green projects. She gets a text from Jrock saying "I love you" and smiles with her gold grills. Moments later, her purse is snatched.
In Houston, there is a violent roar as Lance Mcullers throws a perfect game through seven innings. He tries to do the Macarena while heading into the dugout but is discreetly reminded by Lil Flip on the first row that the dance is out of style. He puts his head down in embarrassment realizing that ... [More]
Posted Thursday, May 28, 2015 07:25 PM
Headboard Technician: I want a raise, I have been working for 14 hours today.
Bed's R Us Headboard District Manager: No
The Mirage Resort is experiencing an understaff as every bettor is handed a free escort with that easy Texas Rangers bet tonight against the awful Red Sox. Headboards across the resort are being shattered right against the grain as every tourist enjoys their choice of ethnicity of woman, accompanied by a Bose sound system blaring Barry White..which is locate...d next to a jar of Aloe Vera cream. Joseph who has not seen his family in three days, continues his Headboard Technician Journeyman Quest as he applies a screwdriver to a plank of cedar near the top of a mattress in room 604. He spends an extra two hours picking out cornrows from the splinters of the damaged headboards. It is worth noting that only $37.45 has been donated to the 2015 Spring Headboard Awareness Foundation.
Meanwhile in Boston, everyone is watching the game at Legal Seafood as they frown angrily when Adrian Beltre hits another bomb into the upper deck. One of the Crabs comes to life from the plate and crawls all over Jrock jr's head while he is playing his Nintendo DS at the table.
"I done seen crabs wylin out in people's hair and all but they sure as haailll aint dat big" yells Bombquisha as she sits at the table adjacent to the event. Outside, disgruntled corporate guidos storm out of their office in disgust after checking their Blackberry Bolds and seeing... [More]
Posted Wednesday, May 27, 2015 07:57 PM
With the Tigers win from yesterday, Vegas is in shambles..as approximately 273,044 Blue lobsters lost their lives in the hands of Chef Phandi Haquoon. This is almost as devastating as the choice of many Oakland residents to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge without parachutes.
Today, Vegas renews her Platinum membership with Jo Anne's Pilates Club, and takes part in an extended ankle grabbing session as they continue to get ravaged by guests on the easy Dodgers win today with Greinke on the mound. The Lions at the MGM Grand have not been fed for eleven days and are now taking swipes at tourists through the cage. Fourteen year old Julio is walking by the area with a balloon in his hand, when the oldest female Lion claws and pops it...causing Julio to cry hysterically. His parents try to soothe him by using tissue paper to wipe tears and nasal mucus of his chin and lips.
Meanwhile in Southern California, everyone is violently fist pumping while bumping 2pac in their convertibles. There is a vicious roar at Dodger Stadium as every fan waves their dirty towel when the score reads 16-0 LAD-ATL by the third inning. Alex Wood is driven off the mound while Grienke shoots peace signs from the dugout. In Atlanta, everyone is looting stores after the Coca Cola factory has a spill and drowns several nearby peach plantations. Laqueefa is spotted near one of the plantations looking to load up on peaches before flying off. "deez peaches be lookin all rotten and all. Where da... [More]
Posted Tuesday, May 26, 2015 05:29 PM
MILDLY OVERWEIGHT CAESARS PALACE GUEST: Hi, excuse me. I noticed that there are no prices listed for your Turbot A la Plancha Sea Urchin on Black Rice. I paid $85 for it last time I was here. I was just wondering if it was the same price?
GUY SAVOY SERVER: The entire menu is actually free today, plus there will be a complimentary bottle of Chardonnay, a Belgian Fondue following your meal accompanied by a Bib, and a free escort to walk you out the door. We have been instructed by Vegas officials to bend over and allow every tourist to bareback us on that easy -115 line with David Price pitching for Detroit today against the raggedy A's.
MILDLY OVERWEIGHT CAESARS PALACE GUEST: Oh ok, thanks.
Meanwhile, in Mo Town, every unemployed Tigers fan is aggressively changing lanes with their Ford Focuses and violently waving their dirty Tigers flags as they approach a Rendez Vous at Lake St. Clair where fans are uniting. A wheel from the Chevy factory flies out and strikes a nearby trailer park injuring Dale's half sister and she waters the brown patch near the picnic table outside of their customized 21 feet trailer. Laqueefa is sitting at home watching the game while cooking buttermilk biscuits and heavily battered chicken in the kitchen naked. Her D12 CD starts skipping while Kon Artist verse comes on, and she gets very angry and throws a spoon at the ghetto blaster. However, her anger is immediately overcome when she sees Ian Kinsler hit for the cycle for the second time du... [More]
Posted Friday, May 22, 2015 08:06 PM
A lot of peeps are violently pounding the Chicago Whitesox in a manner so militant that a mini Tsunami has occurred on Lake Michigan causing the Willis Tower to be engulfed in water. I guess the White Sox will find their epiphany and Vegas officials will bend over and allow tourists to take advantage of National Free Escort Day at the Mirage.
Residents of Oak Park have removed their Blackhawks Tomahawks (temporarily) and put on their deep dish pizza stained White Sox baseball caps while violently waving their wife beaters above their heads on their balconies overlooking the Loop. Xuan Pang has been grounded by Mommy Peng Peng for buying a slice of deep dish and skipping out on Kung Pang Pao noodles at the Chinese Temple. He angrily puts on his Beats By Dre headphones and storms to his room, but can still hear noises after seeing mommy go into her bedroom with daddy. While Xuan tries to increase the volume of his Macklemore album on his headphones, all he can hear is "oooo paki paki" from next door.
Laqueefa is shopping with Sharice for new grills while getting ready for girls night out, when she too realizes that she took the White Sox today. She immediately charges the new Chamillionaire Edition grills to her credit card, and then proceeds to buy a slice of pizza before dropping J-Rocks kids off at Kee Kee's house for the evening. Fakooki has set up his stand outside near US Cellular Field, and is wondering why nobody is buying his goat gyros for the day. U... [More]
Posted Thursday, April 30, 2015 04:37 PM
A lot of people are violently hammering the Astros coming home after a sweep in San Diego, cheering and hi fiving on a six game win streak. I guess Vegas is going to bend over and rub the coconut lotion all over themselves as they allow tourists to bareback them on that sexy -111 line against beachball thrower James Paxton.
Las Vegas Body Shop Employee: Boss, we are out of Coconut lotion..
Manager: Remember what I told you. Offer the customers our best alternative. Explain to them the benefits of Aloe Vera lotion and how it creates a very sensual experience with escorts on the strip.
Las Vegas Body Shop Employee: We are out of that too...
Meanwhile in Seattle, every Mariners fan has officially jumped off the bandwagon and are waving those raggedy 12 Flags in hopes that the NFL decides to change the season opener to May 11th. Cecilia is walking by First Avenue with a Sherman Jersey when she is unexpectedly struck in the head with an adult Halibut. It turns out that the trainee at the Pike Place Market has been given a warning to improve his fish throwing skills already.
In Houston, it is a different story as fans are violently waving their Altuve bobbleheads while watching the Astros launch rockets out of Minute Maid Park. NASA becomes very frustrated, thinking that the home runs are launch pad false alarms. They request for the game to be postponed to a later date that does not interfere with their launch, but are even more aggravate... [More]
Posted Tuesday, April 14, 2015 08:53 PM
A lot of peeps are violently pounding the Padres in a manner so militant that Fakooki felt his Gyro stand rattle outside of Petco Park. While it was initially mistaken for a 6.5 earthquake, the theory was immediately debunked when the entire city held a parade for everyone who took Padres today.
I guess Jeremy Hellickson is just going to bend over and allow that deadly outfield to treat him like a pinata for kids pretending to be blind but not wearing blindfolds.
Meanwhile in the desert all the way from Glendale to Las Vegas, coyotes are running wild and attacking homeless folks and tearing holes in their sleeping bags. Dale, who has been on the streets of Tempe for awhile was attacked by an adult coyote for about twenty three minutes while four retired couples stood around and did not intervene. He tried to run but got caught in tumbledweed. He is slowly recovering in hospital at the moment.
In Vegas, the entire strip is in shambles, as not only are they dealing with the tumbleweed and coyote infestation, the MGM lions have been provoked (Keep in mind that they have not been fed in days because the funds of the MGM are being allocated to paying for the escorts and bet slips). One lion escapes to attack a coyote but accidentally swipes at a tourist, causing him to be in critical condition with a sprained index finger and a broken camera.
Back in San Diego though, there is a violent roar that can be heard very loudly from Tijuana as Matt Kem... [More]
Posted Friday, March 27, 2015 05:36 PM
A lot of people are hammering the Toronto Raptors in a manner so militant that you would think they are doing well lately. I guess Vegas is going to let the Stratosphere be sold to a few folks in Toronto and allow the building to replicate the CN Tower, while children under the age of 24 years old ride the X Scream for free if they wear "We the North" T shirts.
11 year old Hector is riding X Scream when he is launched into the side of the tower. Fortunately, his Derozan Player T gets tangled onto a lose nail, and he is hanging 860 feet above the ground awaiting rescue.
DISPATCHER: We apologize, as it may take up to six hours and thirty seven minutes for the helicopter to arrive at the scene.
HECTOR's FATHER: What? Why so long?
DISPATCHER: Because we are short staffed and cannot afford to pay emergency staff after the city has allocated all their funds to paying everyone for their Raptors bets. Just give him a Nintendo DS to keep busy meanwhile.
HECTORs FATHER: Oh ok gracias.
In Toronto, everyone is doing the wave on the shores of Lake Ontario, as a tidal wave from the actual lake comes onto the land drowning 46 civilians and damaging the Hockey Hall of Fame to an non repairable extent but nobody cares because the rest of the City is waving that dirty Raptors Flag.
Lakers +8 ... [More]
Posted Wednesday, March 25, 2015 06:03 PM
A lot of peeps are violently hammering the Houston Rockets tonight as Dwight Howard rolls into Smoothie King Center and pisses all over the court. I guess the Anthony Davis is just going to let his unibrow impair his vision and allow the Rockets to grab every rebound all night long en route to a 50 point victory huh?
Jrock is supervising the Metairie road crew today as he gets a "We need to talk" text from Laqueefa. He immediately heads to the French Quarters to confront her and Sharice after realizing that his credit card has been maxed out. He then calms down when he discovers that the money was used on the Houston Rockets moneyline, and breathes a sigh of relief. However, the text was actually meant to reveal that Jrock jr might not be his child. He snaps immediately and throws his phone into the Gulf.
Meanwhile, every single woman in Houston is violently waving their towels above their heads at a Destiny's Child Tribute Tour, while they perform independent women. "Grills I'm wearing, I bought it!" exclaims Hortencia as she quietly specifies "yeah I bought it with the money I am about to win with the Rockets today". NASA is also in good spirits as they are launching space shuttles to the moon to see which ones are more aerodynamic. One of them collides with another before leaving the Earth's Atmosphere, causing more pollution in the Gulf of Mexico, but no one cares because the entire city is cashing in on the Rockets today.
Posted Tuesday, March 24, 2015 07:26 PM
A lot of people are violently pounding OKC as they piss all over the Lakers and win by double digits huh? I guess it's free escort week again in Vegas, and the Wynn has purchased premium headboard insurance for the wave of guests this evening.
Meanwhile in Oklahoma City, a tornado rips through the suburbs but Carrie Underwood is joyfully performing "Blown Away" at the halftime show at Chesapeake Arena, as a trailer gets hurled over the downtown area. Fans don't care as they are violently waving that dirty OKC towel as Westbrook records a triple double within the first 6 minutes of the game.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, kids get attacked in Vatos Alley as many gangsters are upset with the Lakers performance today.
Headboard Technicians are on standby all over the strip.
"Honey, I hope you had a good dinner. Tell the kids Daddy says hi. I should be coming home around 4 AM. Love you" says a red baggy eyed Headboard technician as he hangs up at a nearby pay phone booth.
Lakers +9.5 ... [More]
Posted Wednesday, March 18, 2015 06:17 PM
A lot of peeps are violently pounding the Anaheim Ducks as children under the age of 23 receive free Mickey Mouse P & B Sandwiches upon entry at Disneyland all day. I guess Vegas is extending her pilates session as she strives to bend over and grab her ankles while being barebacked by every bettor taking Anaheim.
Meanwhile in Disneyland, Cinderella is spotted engaging in promiscuous behavior with Pocohontas as they both lure Gaston into a nearby Teepee near space mountain. Gaston is seen immediately trying to escape as it turns out to be a trap for the Beast. 5 year old Hector gets in the way and is bowled over by Gaston. He cries hysterically as he drops his churro, as his parents are too busy to buy him another one because they are watching the Ducks game from a rollercoaster.
Just North, Tom Cruise is doing a scene for the next Mission Impossible, but is furious to hear about the Kings losing 11-0 after two periods. He takes matters into his own hands and goes on a rampage on the casting crew and make up artists, while Phandi Haquoon (the chef on set) escapes on a camel.
Pilates Instructor in Vegas: Now reach for your ankles and gently wrap them behind the back of your head.
Vegas Official: I'm trying.
Pilates Instructor: We might have to move you down a class. The preparation process for the amount of ankle grabbing you are going to do on tonight's loss might be a little overwhelming.
But no one cares because every... [More]
Posted Tuesday, March 17, 2015 03:00 PM
A lot of peeps are violently pounding the Vancouver Canucks as the raggedy Flyers roll into town to lose again for the seventh time in eight games. I guess vegas is just going to allow the line to move so that bettors have just enough value to Hammer the Canucks and withdraw from the pinless ATMs outside of the inactive Bellagio fountains.
ROBUST MALE TOURIST FROM ZIMBABWE:
why is dis fountain not spraying d water ?
Because all our maintenance money is coming out of the pinless ATMs
Meanwhile, in Philly, Laqueefa is planning girls night out with Sharice and Bombquesha when she gets a phone call from the police station. Jrock's oldest son (12) was detained after swinging of the Liberty Bell at the Hall of Independence and claiming to be Quasimodo. He was also already being chased for stealing from Fakooki's philly cheese goat steak stand . Officer Smith happens to know Laqueefa from high school, and allows Jrock jr to return home with a warning.
Meanwhile in Vancouver, every hippie is violently waving their yoga mats on the sea wall in Stanley Park as The Canucks scoreboard reads VAN 14 PHI 0 .
Play Flyers ml +130
Posted Thursday, March 12, 2015 06:31 PM
A lot of people are violently pounding the Colorado Avalanche today as Bambi sits at the Grand Hyatt in downtown Denver performing services in P.Diddy's master suite while he plays the grand piano. I guess the Devils are just going to take off their skates and shower with aloe vera this afternoon as them and Vegas prepare to be barebacked by the Avs today.
Laqueefa has taken the train from downtown Newark into Penn Station in Manhattan to purchase new grills at Saks on 5th A...ve. She is trying on gold limited edition grills while snapchatting selfies to her friends (3 with grills on and 2 with a duckface), when she sees the scoreboard and realizes that she bet on the Devils.
"This will have to wait", she informs the Jeweller, "Dumbass whiteboys wit dem sticks cant score" she adds, as she leaves the store in anger and leaves the Jeweller with a confused look on his face.
Meanwhile in Aspen, skiiers and snowboarders are violently waving their poles and boards in the air as Matt Duchene scores his second hattrick of the period and extends the Avalanche lead to 11-0 in the second period. They are completely unaware that a real Avalanche has occurred on the ski hill. Eight year old Tyler has been swept off his Burton Snowboard and into a ravine, but his parents are more concerned about winning their bet than their son being stuck in a creek with Grizzly Bears.
Vegas officials have shutdown all sportsbooks, as they continue to find robbers to ass... [More]