cj380's Blog

Posted 23 hours, 47 minutes ago

MLB Professional Analysis Thursday

It's a beautiful day in Vegas. Bricks are being loaded off trucks as renovations throughout the strip are being initiated. Julio is out in the 100 degree sun by the gatorade coolers, as he lays down another brick before his break. Sweat permeates from his armpit regions and onto the clavicle crevice area of this green and red Fruit of the Loom shirt. However, Jrock's oldest son picks up a brick and throws it at the Eiffel Tower, and because of cheap infrastructure..the tower comes tumbling down. 
It appears that escorts are buying vaseline (they can no longer afford the coconut puree Fiji extracted butter) as they prepare for Free Escort Thursdays while every tourist receives an escort voucher with their Twins moneyline bet tonight. Bambi, who is the longest serving escort at Bunnies of Las Vegas, cuts open three coconuts that she smuggled home from her trip to Barbados. She pours the coconut juice into an industrial sized Vaseline bottle to preserve authenticity. She then uses the coconuts as mock bras. 
In Seattle, the Pike Place Fish Market is having their fish throwing show as Richard Sherman is the special guest. He stands 20 yards away from the thrower, trying to show off his catching ability without gloves on. Unfortunately he misjudges where the thirty seven pound adult halibut lands, and it goes flying through his arms and onto Fakooki's grill next to the Original Starbucks. Fakooki is unaware that his Goat Pancreas Platter has now been infused with t... [More]

Posted Monday, July 27, 2015 06:35 PM

MLB Professional Analysis Monday

Vegas is dealing with a lot of well known problems at the moment. The fountains at the Bellagio are spraying left, right, and center, causing every third bystander to be drenched. The coyote infestation is at an all time high, as children under the age of 26 are being chased out of the Adventure Dome. Many of them are denied re-entry despite having their red wristbands. It also did not help that the Cosmopolitan Hotel Bamboo Pool area caught fire a few days ago, as many of the funds are being applied to replacing the Cabanas and having former Wrestling superstar Carlito brought in as a guest speaker on fire safety. 
VEGAS POLICE: Sir, you claimed to have been at the pool area when the fire started. Did you notice anything unusual?
TOURIST: Yes, three men entered the area with flamethrowers and lit the fake palm trees on fire. 
VEGAS POLICE: Thank you sir, we will be sure to begin an investigation on how we can make the palm trees more fire resistant.
Meanwhile Vegas is once again opening the free buffet at Treasure Island, as Phandi Haquoon puts on his pirate chef hat and prepares for his 27 hour shift tonight while tourists violently hammer the Cardinals today after the Reds wave the white flag with embarrassment. 
In Cincinnati, the Riverband Music Center is bumping as thirty seven fans violently roar as Nick Lachey crawls out of his one bedroom cave and onto the stage and performs hits from 2003. Laqueefa is in attendance, as she thought she p... [More]

Posted Tuesday, July 21, 2015 07:33 PM

MLB Professional Analysis Tuesday (some really good insights)

Vegas is in complete shambles once again, as the lone active fountain at the Bellagio has erupted with more pressure than a Super Soaker CPS 2500, and caused several rooms on the second floor of the hotel to flood. Dale is in room 223 with a fourty seven year old escort by the name of Brandina in a Banana Republic Dress, as she prepares her industrial size bottle of Aloe Vera cream on her third right love handle, when water storms into the room nearly drowning her. Luckily, Dale is a lifeguard at a local Missouri Community Center. He saves her life by throwing her out the window, in which she lands on a pinless ATM machine and knocks over the line, fracturing her left index finger.
Speaking of Pinless ATMs, Vegas is one again bending over with that sexy -120 line on the world's best baseball team as they bring Michael Wacha to the mound. 
Chicago is once again in horrible condition, as there are shootings going on in Millennium park by Lake Michigan. Apparently, the Cabrini Green Projects have secretly reestablished themselves at the park, and Jamal and Tayshaun are fellow gang members in a dispute over who gets the last Goat pudding shawarma at Fakooki's Lake Side Goats R Us Stand. 
JAMAL: Man I done been standin here the whole time....THE WHOLE TIME! 
TAYSHAUN: Man I don't care, I been eating Hamburger helpers all week and I been cravin dat mountain Goat.
gunshots are fired off the Silver Bean, and a 9mm ricochets and knocks a sombrero off Hect... [More]

Posted Sunday, July 19, 2015 03:56 PM

MLB Professional Analysis Sunday

Vegas is in better shape, but still on a tight budget. However, the good news is that the minimum weight of strippers at he Sapphire Pool at Rio have now been reduced from 196 lbs, to 167 lbs, as enough funds are available for more expensive dancers. Cinnamon struts back and forth with elegance and confidence as her debut is underway and she is wearing a Rock and Republic Thong and Fruit of the Loom bras. She does a spin and attempts a cartwheel but accidentally kicks one of the servers in the head, causing three Strawberry Mojitos to be spilled into the pool. She receives a warning as T Pain is played for the remainder of her session.
While Bellagio fountains are still as inactive as Royce Da 5' 9", the buffet is offering completely free meals to the first five hundred thousand guests under the age of ninety two, as Madison Bumgarner is being offered at -120 today against the raggedy Diamondbacks along with the free meal. Phandi Haquoon is trying to coordinate the Tandoori Gazelle dish , which happens to be a favorite right out of the gates. 
GREETER: I'm so sorry ma'am , but we cannot let you in. 
WOMAN: Why not?
GREETER: You turned 93 last month. There is a McDonalds just behind Circus Circus near Vatos alley though.
Just a state over, there is a state of emergency as fifty seven seniors have been attacked by coyotes. Hector is on a field trip at the Desert Botanical Garden with his best friend Julio. Both are still wearing casts from last weeks Sh... [More]

Posted Saturday, July 18, 2015 06:38 PM

MLB Satuday Professional Analysis

The Confederate Flag at New York New York is raised halfway this afternoon, as thousands of Las Vegas residents gather for Tuffy's Memorial Service. For those of you who are unaware, Tuffy was the longest serving dolphin at the Mandalay Bay Aquarium, but sadly was eaten by a Great White Shark three weeks ago. One tourist at the ceremony looks puzzled and approaches a Vegas Official.
TOURIST: Why did it take three weeks to set up an funeral?
VEGAS OFFICIAL: The coffin was too expensive for the city to afford. May I ask you to please lower your voice? the priest is offering blessings right now. 
Nonetheless, it appears that Vegas is applying the Coconut enhanced SPF 30 Aloe Vera Lubricant on herself as she prepares to be barebacked by gamblers on that sexy -110 Marlins bet against the raggedy Phillies tonight. Headboard insurance companies are adding fine print to their policy, as they have lost a lot of money over the past three months. The policy now states that headboard damage inflicted by activity involving escorts over 175 pounds will not be covered in the premium Headboard Protection plan, and scales will now be provided in each hotel room at MGM Grand (Last week, a headboard in room 427 was shattered right against the grain when Hortencia, who had just been imported from Guadalajara, attempted to stretch her legs behind her neck..but lost balance and fell on top of the male guest and went elbow first into the cedar wood. The guest escaped with minor injuri... [More]

Posted Friday, July 17, 2015 06:41 PM

MLB Professional Analysis Friday

Vegas had a week to further recover, as now the coyote infestation hazard has now gone from level red to level orange. The Palms has reinstated the Pearl Theater, and an wannabe Dane Cook is performing tonight in front of seventy three people. 
As New York New York requests for the Empire State Building to be re-erected after a sandstorm blew it down last month, Vegas Officials politely decline as they are now installing pinless ATMs near the site of where the building used to be while every gambler hammers the Pirates at plus value tonight. I guess Mike Fiers will be serving up more meatballs than an Italian grandmother, while Charlie Morton will be giving up less hits than Kevin Federline this evening.  
New York New York Owner: Can we please have the Empire State rebuilt?
Vegas Official: No, it will cost too much...um....titanium. 
Meanwhile in Milwaukee, things are not looking good. Lake Michigan has already washed away four golf courses and the tsunami is making it's way to Discovery World. Hector is learning about pendulums as a scientist nearby is doing a demonstration of how to make elephant toothpaste. The experiment goes wrong as Fakooki is frying goat heads too close to the presentation, and this creates a combustive effect sending everyone in the audience flying. Hector gets dragged along the waves of lake Michigan and slides into Jrock's oldest son, who proceeds to throw sheep hearts at Hector. "Ohhh no mi Hectorino!!" yells Hector's mo... [More]

Posted Monday, July 13, 2015 04:02 PM

MLB Home Run Derby Professional Analysis

Kris Bryant was seen sulking at a table by himself on an Ohio Riverboat earlier this afternoon. He had a plate of waffles sitting in front of him. After further investigation, I came to the realization that the kid was born and raised in Las Vegas. Put two and two together, and you will understand that the Cubs phenom would rather be betting on this event than actually participating in it. This is his first multi-day break of the season, and he it's hardly even a break for him since he has to spend part of it in Cincinnati. "I mean yeah...it's an honor and all. It's great...but um.. I mean for the fans and all. It'll be an experience..but. I mean it's good..for um...baseball..and I guess.. and..it's a privilege....I guess." was Bryant's response to interviewers, as corn syrup dripped from the left side of his lower lip. 

Joc Pederson was spotted in downtown Cincinnati, as he was spotted by J-Rock..who immediately attempted to sell him one of his mixtapes. Pederson reluctantly agrees to put on the Beats By Dre headphones. The first thing he hears his "Young Joc- It's going down". Pederson proceeds to purchase a mixtape, and spends the afternoon with J-Rock and his two children. They record duets the entire afternoon, while Laqueefa is trying to get some rest and relaxation in the hotel's jacuzzi. "What does a hoodrat gotta do to get some tranquility up in dis joint? It's like I need a tranquilizer to tranquilize dis place wit y'all making dat noise like M... [More]

Posted Friday, July 10, 2015 06:36 PM

MLB Professional Analysis Friday

At this point, Vegas slowly brings her legs down from behind her head as she gathers every piece of jewelry and applies them to their appropriate body areas. The Venetian has now re opened the doors to the Casanova, and Phandi Haquoon has inventively gone out of his way to recruit authentic Italian servers for tonight's Sea Urchin Linguini special. 
GIOVANNI: watta wuda you lika todaya?
TOURIST: The special.
GIOVANNI: Justa to letta you knowwa, We hava de gelato after the meala. And whatta cana getta disa beatifula laddy? Amore mio vieni qua, vieni.
TOURIST: Ok, we are not in Sicily. We are in Venice. 
GIOVANNI: My apologies. Can I entice you into exploring any one of our delicious appetizers?  
I guess every gambler is jawdropped seeing the Nationals at plus money against the most raggedy pitcher in baseball on a raggedy team tonight. The Excalibur hotel is offering free escorts in each tower, on a First Come First Serve basis as strippers slide up and down the pointy red and blue roofs wearing Burlesque style outfits. 
"Are you serious?" King Arthur says as he comes out of his room and see's what is going on while Bambi struts over and licks the tip of his Sword dangling from the holster (which she then begins to bleed profusely after). 
Meanwhile in Baltimore, there is a slam poetry session going on at the Edgar Allen Poe Museum. Jrock's oldest son takes stage and begins his session "Bigger, Trigger, Rigger,--"
"Okay, tha... [More]

Posted Wednesday, July 08, 2015 06:02 PM

MLB Professional Analysis Wednesday

Vegas is well on their road to recovery as the Aria Resort reinstates the Cirque Du Soleil and new performers are brought aboard for the first show in twenty six months. Unfortunately the only qualification required in performer applications was to not have a felony criminal record in the United States or Barbados, therefore several applicants are accepted without any prior performing arts experience. 
INTERVIEWER: Do you have a criminal record?
APPLICANT: Yes, I was charged with mischief once.
INTERVIEWER: What did you do?
APPLICANT: Two years ago in Reno, I ran around the World's Tallest Climbing Wall naked and threw a cactus at a climber who was two rocks away from reaching the top, it missed and hit an elderly woman. I also was charged with armed robbery in Canada.
INTERVIEWER: Welcome aboard.
The first act is a disaster, as what was supposed to be a synchronization of thirty six dancers turned out to look like a zombie apocalypse in an organized setting. However, it also did not help that an elephant charged through the curtains and knocked a hula hoop off one of the dancer's ears and sent it rolling into the crowd. Hector gets caught in the hula hoop and rolls through the hallways of the hotel and into a nearby restaurant knocking over several plates of curry chicken heads. Phandi Haquoon is very upset and kicks the hula hoop with Hector still trapped in it, sending him into the desert rolling in synchronization with a tumbleweed triggered by a co... [More]

Posted Tuesday, July 07, 2015 06:10 PM

MLB Professional Analysis Tuesday (some really good insights)

Vegas is well on the road to recovery now, as two more Grand Canyon tours are added with newly added options of disembarkation at Hoover Dam and a choice to take a discounted $435 taxi ride back to the Monte Carlo Megaresort.

TOUR GUIDE: So where is everyone from?

"Ooooh, that so nice. water get trap like some fwi wice in wice cooker!" Ciaopang exclaims as he points to the Dam, interrupting the tour guide.

His mother immediately slaps him and takes away his Pikachu beanie baby, and warns him that he will be facing a harsher punishment when they get back to Shanghai.

Right there and then, a coyote attacks the tour group and every participant scrambles to get back into the bus.

I guess there is nothing Vegas can do about that, as Vegas officials solemnly stare at the board and realize that everyone is taking the Pirates tonight against a San Diego team that needed twenty seven innings to score three runs. The Booze and Bite offer near the Pinless ATM machines have added a third perk to their promotion, which would now make it a "Booze, Bite, and Free escort" Deal tonight and Phandi Haquoon will once again have his hands full in the kitchen.

In San Diego, the city is in shambles. A new border patrol officer in training mistakes a gang sign for a universal travellers permit, and allows 14 cartels from Tijuana across the border. They immediately report to the SeaWorld, and feed the sea creatures large dosages of narcotics...causin... [More]

Posted Monday, July 06, 2015 06:34 PM

MLB Professional Analysis Monday.

As Vegas officials are cleaning up following Fourth of July festivities, they are looking in pretty good shape as the Bellagio reinstates one more fountain. Sprinkler technicians are trying to figure out the right pressure so that the streams are congruent with one another, but are having a tough time doing so. 
SUPERINTENDENT: Jorge, can you please adjust the pressure? It is way off.
SPRINKLER TECHNICIAN: I can hardly see it. I don't know what's wrong with my eyes lately. Sorry I will try my best.
SUPERINTENDENT: Well maybe it would help if you remove the blue, red, and white paint from your face.
However, Tourists are simply ignoring the fountains as they hear about the Drai's Beach Nightclub offering Tecate on tap tonight as their special, and are glad they chose to come to Vegas now. A visitor from Saskatchewan is trying to impress a group of females by buying beers for everyone, but trips on the shoe lace of his Air Jordans and falls into one of the pools. The pool is three feet deep, and he has no swimming experience, so he tosses and turns frantically until a bartender throws him a life jacket. 
I guess Vegas is once against bending over as they lower the Washington Nationals line so that everyone can bet their grandfather's pension on the red hot Washington team with Fister on the mound against the raggedy Reds. 
In Cincinnati, fans have already given up as they book their BB Riverboat Tour down the Ohio River tonight without even watc... [More]

Posted Friday, July 03, 2015 06:00 PM

MLB Professional Analysis Friday

On the eve of the weekend, Vegas has now added an extra bus to the Grand Canyon Tours. It is a school bus that was last used in 1992 after a special needs eighth grader threw a seat out the window, but it is an addition nonetheless. Fremont Street has been the focus of the budget after last night's Padres win, and it is looking as luxurious as it has ever been in 94 hours. "Keys please" says a valet agent smiling with pride as he prepares to park a 1996 Toyota Camry for a mil...dly overweight couple in their mid 60s who are newly retired and looking to spend their 25th year Wedding Anniversary in a lavish manner through the Fremont Experience.

It appears as so Vegas has signed up for Silver, Gold, Platinum, and Sapphire Headboard Protection plans as they prepare for the stampede of bettors placing money on a Pirates team whose offense has been coming home more often than a prodigal son with Alzheimer's. I guess free escort night continues, and today's feature escort ethnicity of the day is Antarctica.

In Cleveland, things do not look good as Lebron James announces that him and Kevin Love will be headed to South Korea to test the free agency market over a Kimchi Dinner with some executives. Bizzy Bone crawls out of a concrete crevice near downtown Cleveland (where he now resides) to see the news, and he appears to be devastated as well. Laqueefa and Jrocks kids are walking along the shores of Lake Eerie with a ghetto blaster playing Young Joc, as Jrock's olde... [More]

Posted Thursday, July 02, 2015 03:49 PM

MLB Professional Analysis Thursday

Vegas is now slowly receiving funds to handle the more crucial sectors of development. The Grand Canyon Tours have now partnered up with Ming Ching Pao Enterprises to bring in new Coaches and Coach Drivers with at least thirty seven days of highway driving experience, which saw four successful tours last week only resulting in two lane change collisions combined (both near the Hoover Dam). The Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay added in one more adolescent Great White (which sadly ended up devouring the venue's longest serving dolphin, "Tuffy" who was in the aquarium since 2011... R.I.P. Tuffy). Most importantly however, the Graceland Wedding Chapel has received adequate funding to install alters. 
Today however, they are offering a sexy -125 line on the Cardinals as every tourist looks at the standings and it is obvious what Vegas is trying to do here. They are clearly finding a reason to be generous, as Independence Day Festivities are in action and every gambler is dressed in Red, White, and Blue at the casinos. 
Meanwhile in San Diego, the City is experiencing a nightmare as many aquarium glasses have broken at the Seaworld and tourists are screaming in horror as they flee the Mission District while being chased by various sea creatures. Hector is with his mom and dad as he ventures off and gets pricked my a sea urchin (He was just recently chased by a Manta Ray in South Florida). He cries hysterically and runs away losing his parents. 
"Donde esta mi hijo... [More]

Posted Tuesday, June 30, 2015 06:53 PM

MLB Professional Analysis

It is a beautiful Tuesday. Vegas continues it's recovery, and the Wynn ballroom has now upgraded to that of a dive corner pub. Madame Tussaud has now added a few more statues to her collection on the strip (Travis Barker, Papoose, Channing Fyre, and iCarly, just to name a few), but the Lady Gaga one still looks like a drooping candle that was used by one of the MGM guests on "Client Appreciation Free Escort Night". Laqueefa has now returned from Barbados with a new tan and a ...pair of Ray Ban sunglasses (fake) that she purchased near a stand leaning against a coconut tree. Nonetheless, there is still a lot of work to be done on the strip, as there is a whole lot of construction and maintenance needed and none of the construction workers are over 127 lbs.

It seems though that Vegas is once again looking to bend over and re offer the Bang One Get One Pick-your-ethnicity Escort Event with a choose one of three perks options including: Aloe Vera butter, Al Green stereo selection, or Escort pigtails...as they offer the Giants moneyline at underdog value against a raggedy Marlins team.

Meanwhile in Florida, things are looking disastrous as Hurricane Misty hits the shores of South Beach causing every bikini model and Cuban male to flee to safety. Rick Ross is having an outdoor fan appreciation concert and barbecue, as he sees tidal waves and has his third heart attack in four days. Paramedics try to revive him, and ultimately do when they carry him to safety near ... [More]

Posted Tuesday, June 23, 2015 06:39 PM

MLB Professional Analysis Tuesday (some really good insights)

Vegas is finally functioning at 17.4% again, as the Bellagio fountains have received enough maintenance to have every second nozzle shooting streams without Jrock's kids urinating in the absence of the fountains. The Treasure Island Galleon has now installed a cannon on the starboard side. Craigslist actors and actresses have now been replaced on the ship by SAG union personnel who have had at least 17 days of experience in the theatrical and performing arts industry. However, the Excalibur Castle is now being invaded by fourteen year olds dressed as Warlocks. Things are looking bad as every window is being bombarded by customized tumbleweed, and there is nothing the Vegas officials can do.
I guess Vegas is now reaching around with the flexibility of a boneless Armadillo, as they offer that sexy underdog line on the Minnesota Twins coming off a colossal blowout against the raggedy southside White Sox. 
The only thing squarer than the bettors on the Twins today is the Spongebob mascot at Nickelodeon Universe at the Mall of America near Minneapolis. Children under 6 ft tall are now permitted into the attraction, as Brenda spends her shift ornamenting 19 year olds with wristband passes. 
19 YEAR OLD MALE GUEST: This is the Lego store right?
BRENDA: No, this is Nickelodeon Universe..Can you read?
19 YEAR OLD MALE GUEST: No. So I can't buy my Megatron toy here?
BRENDA: Not here no.
19 YEAR OLD MALE GUEST: (cries hysterically)

 His parents... [More]

Posted Monday, June 22, 2015 06:41 PM

Monday's Professional Analysis

As Vegas slowly gathers herself, a lot of people are hammering the Yankees runline as Philly is an autofade for the rest of the season. I guess the strip has no choice but to shut down all water shows near the Caesar's Palace in efforts to pay every gambler this evening. The holes have finally been covered near the aft sections of the Treasure Island ships and shows will resume. Arthur, who is attempting his best Jack Sparrow impersonation, accidentally kicks the block of wood covering the hole. This causes the ship to sink as spectators watch in horror, as none of the actors have completed level four in swimming therefore cannot tread water. A headboard technician named Shane nearby happens to also have his lifeguard certification. In his kindhearted attempt, he throws a floatation device so that the actors can swim safely to shore. 
SHANE: Will I be compensated for my lifeguard duties? I mean...I did save seventeen lives...
Meanwhile in Philadelphia, many families are visiting the Hall of Independence during the game. It is clear that the tour guides are getting very agitated with the Phillies lack of recent success. 
TOURIST: So what was the purpose of this bell?
TOUR GUIDE: To ring.
TOURIST: I know, but what's the history behin--
TOUR GUIDE: To ring. To make noise! like you are right now! No more questions please (his face turns red and he grits his teeth as he checks the score on his ESPN app of his Iphone 2) 
H... [More]

Posted Friday, June 19, 2015 06:52 PM

MLB Professional Analysis Friday

As Vegas regroups, a lot of recovery progress has been seen. The obelisk at the Luxor is now standing upright once again, but as of right now it sits right in the middle of the strip causing cabs, rental cars, and escort vans to be held back in traffic. One escort driver is not paying attention, and drives straight into the obelisk completely crumbling it as Hailey, who is an overweight escort from Wyoming flies through the windshield.

"I'm okay," she insists as she dusts of...f her Dark Blue limited edition Gallaghers 2000 anniversary tank top, while blood and cheeseburger crumbs drip from her second chin.

Shortly after the incident, Vegas has decided that they are going to get bent over no matter how juicy the Oakland A's are tonight.

"Sonny Gray is pitching tonight, Mr. Haquoon can you please start firing up the grills for the free buffet tonight?" orders a Treasure Island night manager.

Meanwhile in Anaheim, there is nothing but disaster. The Big Thunder Mountain railroad has derailed, and Hector tries to climb over the tracks to safety but immediately has his Winnie the Pooh corduroys tangled on a sharp edge of the track and struggles frantically to shake free.
"oooh Hectorino , mi hectorino ese!" yells his mom as she watches in horror.
Once again, Disneyland is having their "Kids under the age of 22 eat free" promo, therefore 243 month old Donovan is enjoying his Triton lollipop which is shaped like a golden scepter with a mus... [More]

Posted Thursday, June 18, 2015 06:30 PM

MLB Professional Analysis

A lot of people are violently pounding the Atlanta Braves tonight as they are underdogs with a top three pitcher on the mound at home against a raggedy Red Sox team. Ok guy, I guess Vegas is just handing out free escorts upon check in at every hotel on the strip again.
Wynn Reception: Thank you for choosing Wynn, your room 604 on the sixth floor. Here are your keys.
Guest: Thanks. Oh yeah, I was wondering how much your escort rates are without a Headboard protection plan?
Wynn Reception: I'll give you a hint. The price for a night is lower than Shelby Miller's ERA.
Guest: Free?
Wynn Reception: Yes. Hortencia, please accommodate this young gentleman to his room. 
"Liver alone. Cheese mine," exclaims a guest from Guadalajara as he comes out of nowhere grabs the escort by the hand and takes her away up to his room. 
While this is going on, there is once again a coyote infestation on the strip and the infrastructure maintenance has become so poor that the Luxor obelisk has now fallen over and shattered the glass of the M & M store. Colored candies litter the floors of the shop and 8 year old Hector slips on one and flies head first into the Blue M & M mascot causing him to also tumble onto an overweight female tourist. She tries to sue the company (which would eventually be settled in house, where she would receive a lifetime supply of M & Ms). 
In Boston, every Harvard nerd in Business Law Class 207 with Professor Williamson fai... [More]

Posted Thursday, June 04, 2015 06:34 PM

MLB Professional Analysis Indians/Royals

Vegas is finally rebuilding, as they now look to address the most crucial issues on the strip. They started by fixing the Air Conditioning at the Adventuredome at Circus Circus, Hector is still recovering from dehydration after being stuck on a jammed rollercoaster for eleven hours in ninety-eight degree heat.  
HECTOR's MOTHER: ju wan some horchata Hectorito?
HECTOR: na na I want the nintendo DS ese
Nonetheless, the next important step was to address the inactive fountains at the Bellagio. As of right now, only enough money has come in meaning that only one stream of water can be seen. Jrock's kids mischievously decide to pee in where the inactive nozzles are, and this creates a very awkward looking water show. The main stream begins to build pressure, and suddenly a geyser erupts and drowns three loitering coyotes. In the process, it also sprays onto the strip and destroys Laqueefa's newly inserted cornrows. "why y'all gotta be frontin wit y'all jet skis like it some daytona 900 boat race up in this mfer? We got 40 billion homies in the country of Africa starvin and all and y'all be wastin water??
" she screams in sheer anger as she tries to find a towel. 
I guess Vegas has no intentions of fixing those two remaining nozzles though, as they are now grabbing their ankles with that sexy Royals moneyline tonight.
Meanwhile in Cleveland, the fans could care less what is going on in the Indians game as they wave their raggedy Lebron headbands in the a... [More]

Posted Wednesday, June 03, 2015 07:08 PM

Dodgers/Rockies Professional Analysis inside info (5-1 in last 6)

As Vegas slowly recovers step by step, they address a few important issues. First off they address the situation of the starving lions at the MGM, as they have gotten less food than a UN refugee over the past three weeks. The next crucial sector was to repair the aquarium glass at Mandalay Bay after 8 year old Hector was sliced in his finger by a swordfish in the observation lobby when the glass broke. Nonetheless, the fountains at the Bellagio are still inactive. The headboard fundraiser program is still lacking donations. The ATM machines still do not have security pins. The statue of Liberty at New York New York still looks like an armless statue of Macy Gray. Last but not least, the escorts and buffets are still free. 
PHANDI HAQUOON: Marwin, please pull up your pants and leave the premises
As head chef Phandi Haquoon fires yet another employee for wearing a bandana into the kitchen blasting Young Jeezy on a portable ghetto blaster.
I guess Vegas is bending over again allowing everyone to cash in on that sexy Dodgers moneyline as they look to stomp the Rockies again following a ninth inning Grand Slam by Alex Guerrero last night. 
Meanwhile in Beverly Hills, every celebrity is bragging about how much money they put on the Dodgers to the point that it sounds like an auction is going on at every high end sushi restaurant. 
GEORGE CLOONEY: I have $96000 on the Dodgers tonight!
MILEY CYRUS: I have $97000 on them.
GEORGE CLOONEY: but mine is... [More]

Posted Tuesday, June 02, 2015 06:40 PM

MLB Professional Analysis. Inside info

It is a beautiful day. The sun is shining. Children are chattering with joy in the playground. Fakooki smiles as the warm spring air breezes near his Goat Gyro Stand. Tulips blossom near the pinless ATMs. Laqueefa is applying on her new braids getting ready for the Ludacris concert tonight. Headboard technicians enjoy their three minute lunch break. However, the fountains at the Bellagio still have an "Out of Order" sign next to them.
I guess Vegas is now extending their "Bang one get two free" escort offers, as long as every guest at the Mirage Resort brings their vouchers....which can be found at any McDonald's location.....by the straws and condiments. 
Every tourist is trampling each other in line to get to the front of the sportsbook to take advantage of that easy Braves -106 line with Mister Under Two ERA on the mound. 
Meanwhile just across the desert in Phoenix, chaos ensues as the Diamondbacks are down 13-0 in the first inning and every vacation house in Glendale is infested with rats the size of Golden Retrievers. 8 year old Hector tries to fend off one of the rats, but finds himself tripping and pricking himself on a nearby overgrown cactus. Tumbleweed rolls through phoenix, causing traffic delays on the Interstate 10. An Arizona strip club has been shut down for the day due to coyote attacks. Hortencia, who is a 187 lb veteran stripper that was seen doing body shots with Josh Hamilton in 2013, runs frantically into her Ford Escape while trying t... [More]

Posted Saturday, May 30, 2015 06:09 PM

MLB Professional Analysis for Saturday

Vegas took a bit of money back after last night's Astros loss, and NASA is back in control of their launch pads, but it did not take long for Jo Anne to release her new Pilates (Volume 2) Program in which Vegas cannot resist another ankle grabbing experience.
Jo Anne on the Video: On, Two, All the way down. One, Two, All the way down. Put your legs behind your head. Legs behind your head. 
I guess it's no surprise that they are preparing themselves with coconut oil for a sensual experience from the Angels bettors today on that sexy -113 moneyline.
Back in Detroit, the city has become a real life Call of Duty Map, where all the empty houses are used as hiding spots. One of the soldiers accidentally stumble across Eminem's lawn and is chased away by rottweilers. His cover is blown immediately and he gets shot in the kneecap.
Meanwhile in Disneyland, everybody is violently waving their Mickey Mouse lollipops as they watch the game from Splash Mountain on the evening where kids under the age of 23 years old receive free Dumbo Elephant Ears. Snow White is seen throwing apples at who she thinks is the evil witch, but it turns out to be Hector's mother (who is watching to make sure her8 year old child doesn't fall off the Matterhorn Bobsled for the third time this week). Aladdin is seen sneaking off into a room with Cinderella and Jasmine. He is seen exiting out of a window on a flying carpet just three minutes later while violent screams and tiger growls are heard ... [More]

Posted Friday, May 29, 2015 07:20 PM

MLB Professional Analysis

After the Red Sox win last night, Vegas slowly brings her legs down from behind her head. 
A lot of people are hammering the Houston Astros in a manner so militant that it makes NASA's space shuttle launch feel like a nerf grenade. I guess Carlos Rondon has wholeheartedly volunteered to use the baseball as a pinata for special needs children with not blindfold involved. 
Vegas will once again be installing pinless ATMs by the Bellagio fountains which were once active 27 and a half months ago. Overweight tourists are helping themselves to second and third servings of Filet Mignon at Phandi Haquoon's buffet at the Mirage, while he conducts another interview with a prospect line cook.
Phandi: Do you have any prior culinary experience sir.
16 year old Tyshawn: huh.
Phandi: Do you have any job experience whatsoever Mr. Johnson
16 year old Tyshawn: Bandz to make her dance
Phandi: ok you start your first shift in 23 minute.
Meanwhile in Chicago, Laqueefa is polishing her grills near the former Cabrini Green projects. She gets a text from Jrock saying "I love you" and smiles with her gold grills. Moments later, her purse is snatched. 
In Houston, there is a violent roar as Lance Mcullers throws a perfect game through seven innings. He tries to do the Macarena while heading into the dugout but is discreetly reminded by Lil Flip on the first row that the dance is out of style. He puts his head down in embarrassment realizing that ... [More]

Posted Thursday, May 28, 2015 07:25 PM


Headboard Technician: I want a raise, I have been working for 14 hours today.

Bed's R Us Headboard District Manager: No

The Mirage Resort is experiencing an understaff as every bettor is handed a free escort with that easy Texas Rangers bet tonight against the awful Red Sox. Headboards across the resort are being shattered right against the grain as every tourist enjoys their choice of ethnicity of woman, accompanied by a Bose sound system blaring Barry White..which is locate...d next to a jar of Aloe Vera cream. Joseph who has not seen his family in three days, continues his Headboard Technician Journeyman Quest as he applies a screwdriver to a plank of cedar near the top of a mattress in room 604. He spends an extra two hours picking out cornrows from the splinters of the damaged headboards. It is worth noting that only $37.45 has been donated to the 2015 Spring Headboard Awareness Foundation.

Meanwhile in Boston, everyone is watching the game at Legal Seafood as they frown angrily when Adrian Beltre hits another bomb into the upper deck. One of the Crabs comes to life from the plate and crawls all over Jrock jr's head while he is playing his Nintendo DS at the table.
"I done seen crabs wylin out in people's hair and all but they sure as haailll aint dat big" yells Bombquisha as she sits at the table adjacent to the event. Outside, disgruntled corporate guidos storm out of their office in disgust after checking their Blackberry Bolds and seeing... [More]

Posted Wednesday, May 27, 2015 07:57 PM

Braves/Dodgers Professional Analysis

With the Tigers win from yesterday, Vegas is in shambles..as approximately 273,044 Blue lobsters lost their lives in the hands of Chef Phandi Haquoon. This is almost as devastating as the choice of many Oakland residents to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge without parachutes. 
Today, Vegas renews her Platinum membership with Jo Anne's Pilates Club, and takes part in an extended ankle grabbing session as they continue to get ravaged by guests on the easy Dodgers win today with Greinke on the mound. The Lions at the MGM Grand have not been fed for eleven days and are now taking swipes at tourists through the cage. Fourteen year old Julio is walking by the area with a balloon in his hand, when the oldest female Lion claws and pops it...causing Julio to cry hysterically. His parents try to soothe him by using tissue paper to wipe tears and nasal mucus of his chin and lips. 
Meanwhile in Southern California, everyone is violently fist pumping while bumping 2pac in their convertibles. There is a vicious roar at Dodger Stadium as every fan waves their dirty towel when the score reads 16-0 LAD-ATL by the third inning. Alex Wood is driven off the mound while Grienke shoots peace signs from the dugout. In Atlanta, everyone is looting stores after the Coca Cola factory has a spill and drowns several nearby peach plantations. Laqueefa is spotted near one of the plantations looking to load up on peaches before flying off. "deez peaches be lookin all rotten and all. Where da... [More]

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