cj380's Blog

Posted Wednesday, November 12, 2014 07:48 PM

Leafs/Bruins PROPHECY

A lot of people are hammering the Bruins to the point that violence would be a description of understatement. 

I got a text from Cinnamon from Hooters.. She is on the Tempurpedic 3300 in some Trump Tower Suite and she says that she envisions the infrastructure on the Vegas Strip collapsing into the rain tunnels from all of the lack of maintenance due to insufficient funds. 

She also mentioned in a phone call that somewhere at a Legal Seafood's Restaurant in Boston, the owner has put his entire business on today's Bruins moneyline. She didn't tell me which particular one it was. she also said it to me in a Boston accent, I don't know why. 

Apparently she was also skyping with Bambi from Gallagher's 2000 and she mentioned her vision that the CN Tower had collapsed into Lake Ontario causing a waters to rise and submerge the Air Canada Center with the exception of the Bruins bench and the Leafs net. 

She also sent me four snapchat selfies with inappropriate captions, and put three of them up on instagram with fourteen hashtags each, but that's none of your business really.  

Posted Sunday, November 02, 2014 05:46 PM

Ducks/Avalanche PROFESSIONAL Analysis

A lot of people are violently hammering the Anaheim Ducks as Disneyland hands out free Mickey Mouse cupcakes to children under the age of 19. Vegas is clearly offering a -115 line while making it mandatory for every escort to apply an excessive amount of Aloe Vera on themselves before lining up single file at the reception of the MGM to greet and accompany guests to their suites. They have also been instructed to hand out free reacharound brochures to everyone.

Back in Orange County, every child is enjoying their Little Mermaid lollipops, until Julio chokes and is rushed to emergency. This is the second time this week he has visited a hospital, as he was bit by a shark in the Bay area on Wednesday. Thumbelina is seen looking curiously (back and forth uncomfortably) in every direction before running off with Julio's father into a Peter Pan photo booth. She too was hired by Vegas officials after they examined the assets on her resume very carefully and saw "extremely skilled at ankle grabbing" as one of her highlighted traits.

Meanwhile in Denver, Bambi from Hooters is accompanying Kanye West at a Grand Hyatt in downtown while an avalanche rips through the city and buries them in the snow. They both brush themselves off angrily and head to Colorado Springs on a greyhound to continue their session (Bambi still has a ski pole stuck in her but has no idea). Laqueefa leaves her kids with Jrock as it is girls night out at the Pepsi Center. "Man who dat white boy be... [More]

Posted Tuesday, October 28, 2014 05:05 PM

Blues/Stars PROFESSIONAL Analysis

A lot of people woke up this morning with a natural instinct to check for easy Vegas handouts, and saw the Blues/Stars total set at 5. They violently took out bank loans and booked immediate trips to stay at the MGM to hammer the over, and of course take advantage of the free buffets. 
Phandi Haquoon, who is the buffet head chef, is now scrambling to hire cooks and is willing to lower his qualification standards for applicants. The first person who walks into the interview session is a young teenage male by the name of Lamont Johnson. 
Phandi: Mr. Johnson, do you have a criminal record?
Lamont: uhhh.
Phandi: Do you have any experience in culinary?
Lamont: uhhh
Phandi: Sir, what are your qualifications?
Lamont: bandz to make her dance
Phandi: Are you able to start at 4:30 pm today?

Meanwhile, architecture is collapsing all around the strip as the books have spent most of the city's profits paying off tourists on this over. The fountains at Bellagio remain inactive as the signs continue to read "out of order". The swordfish in Mandalay Bay has gone unfed for four days and is now penetrating the glass of the aquarium, causing 8 year old Julio to cry.
Back in Dallas however everyone is violently waving their Cowboy hats and burning their Romo jerseys as they see the score read 7-7 after two periods. Children are impersonating Tyler Seguin and taking slapshots from Fort Worth and somehow the pucks find their way into the arena and p... [More]

Posted Monday, October 27, 2014 06:44 PM

Canadiens/Oilers PROFESSIONAL Analysis

A lot of people are hammering that sexy -125 Canadiens line in a manner so militant that it makes the war against ISIS look like a Laser Quest match. I guess Vegas will be handing out free escorts and buffets on this one.
Service Representative: Thank you for calling Herber's Headboard Repair Services, How may I help you?
Mirage Hotel Clerk: Um yes, hi...I would like to hire thirty seven headboard technicians to help rebuild our king, queen, and double bed headboards after all of the barebacking that will be going on tonight with the free escorts being handed out with the Montreal Canadiens moneyline. Is this something you are able to help with?
Service Representative: Absolutely sir. You will be glad to know that all of our journeymen employees have successfully completed their qualifications EHBc (Excessive Headboard Banging Certification), and will be more than glad to assist you. 
Mirage Hotel Clerk: Excellent.
Meanwhile in Edmonton, another snowstorm rolls through the Muttart Conservatory in which a tourists is shocked realizing that the destination he meant to visit were the Pyramids of Giza. Another eight year old kid named Dale attempts to skate on the North Saskatchewan River only to end up falling through and being dragged down because his Taylor Hall jersey got tangled in weeds. 
In Montreal, it is a different scene as civilians are enjoying the skate down the St. Lawrence river while violently fist pumping and waving their BMO scarves a... [More]

Posted Sunday, October 26, 2014 06:49 PM

Ducks/Sharks PROFESSIONAL Analysis

A lot of people are pounding the Anaheim Ducks and waving that Orange County flag as the raggedy Sharks are coming off a loss at home to the worst team in hockey. I guess Vegas will be once again be replacing top notch hotels with foot reflexology centers as they continue to grab their ankles on this one.

Julio gets bitten by a Shark for the second time in as many weeks while playing by Fort Mason again, while Alcatraz tour boats try to attend to him. This time, he is not so fortunate as he actually loses three fingers. A volcano erupts at Mount Shasta causing Sharks fans to flee to Lake Tahoe in their mopeds.

Meanwhile in Disneyland, every ride is decorated with Ducks logos as Jrock's kids roar violently while on the Matterhorn Bobsled. Laqueefa, who is their guardian for the day, is spotted on the side of the ride trying to perfect a selfie with her new grills and Mickey Mouse in a Ducks Jersey in the backdrop. Sleeping Beauty is seen sobbing my Space Mountain after finding out that her father indeed fornicated with her while she was in her deep sleep. She is then comforted when looking up at a nearby screen and seeing that Corey Perry has scored two hat tricks in the first period. Another child gets his dinosaur slippers tangled on the train tracks, but nobody cares as his parents are making duckfaces in photobooths flaunting their Ducks moneyline tickets.

Posted Saturday, October 18, 2014 04:53 PM


A lot of peeps are violently pounding the Montreal Canadiens today from their pond hockey rinks as they are still two stepping and singing "Au Claire De la Lune" (on skates) after defeating the big bad Bruins . I guess snowmen will ornament the shores of the St. Lawrence river as the Habs continue to take slapshots at Patrick Roys head while securing their 8 goal lead on those Raggedy Avalanche huh?

Meanwhile in Colorado, another avalanche rolls through Aurora and into downtown Denver where a skier finds himself crashing into the Hyatt that Bambi is staying at while in a suite with Peyton Manning snap chatting selfies of the two of them. A boulder rolls through Boulder, Colorado injuring fourteen cavemen and destroying Fakooki's newly renovated reindeer gyro stand. Nobody cares though because ever stranger male is violently throwing snowballs at every person in a Roy jersey in Montreal after the Habs dominate once again huh.

Posted Friday, October 17, 2014 05:17 PM

NHL Analysis

If the pied piper serenades enough blind children into the thick of the woods, he is bound to get paid what he is due at some point.


Pathers/Sabres OVER 5 -130

Posted Thursday, October 09, 2014 05:45 PM

Arizona/Winnipeg Professional Analysis

A lot people are militantly hammering the Arizona Coyotes. Did I just read that right? I guess those raggedy Jets are going to mirror the New York Jets and violently wave that Jets flag while getting pricked by multiple cacti upon entering Glendale tonight huh? Ok guy.
Winnipeg players exit the aircraft in their eskimo suits and immediately suffer from heat strokes as the Arizona sun pounds intensely down on their Lynx fur coats and sweat starts to form and triangulate near the lower back regions of their wool undershirts. 
Meanwhile back home in Winnipeg, residents are seen fleeing from their teepees and jumping into Lake Winnipeg causing tidal waves across canola farm fields and drowning  216,734 gophers (unofficial death toll). The scene is the complete opposite in the Phoenix area, as hot cheerleaders begin stripping after every Martin Hanzal wrist shot (which turn out to be 5 for 5) in front of the 37 Coyotes fans in attendance. 
Vegas has sent every high quality escort to participate in the Headboard Banging Fundraiser at the Bellagio, while nobody donates more than $2 to the cause. The buffets continue to be free for the second night in a row at every hotel, as tourists are seen sneaking cheesecake slices into their bags and purses. 
"Miss Laqueefa Johnson, can you please return those desserts to the counter or we will have to remove your booking accommodation with Treasure Island and relocate you to somewhere on Fremont street!"  c... [More]

Posted Wednesday, October 08, 2014 06:31 PM

Sharks/Kings Professional Analysis

A lot people are violently pounding the Los Angeles Kings like headboards at the Mirage on free escort and reach around appreciation night. I guess everyone from Miley Cyrus to Robert Downey Junior are violently waving those championship towels at the Staple Center while the banner is being raised in the rafters.

Irv Gotti himself takes a business class flight into Los Angeles to embrace the opportunity to wave his personal Irv Gotti limited edition towel for the Kings as well. George Lopez is spotted behind the Sharks bench also cheering until he is mistaken by a confused Kings fan as Head Coach Todd McLellan of the San Jose Sharks (which he very  quickly denies).  Every club in Beverly Hills has the game on TV and disco balls shatter from the violent roar as Anze Kopitar scores a hattrick in the season opener off a dump and chase which ricochets through Antii Niemi's five hole, while the scoreboard reads 7-0 Kings after the first period.

In the Bay area, little Hector gets bitten by a shark while building a sand castle on the Fort Mason park coast after being told repeatedly to stay at least 47 feet away from the water. He is now being isolated in treatment on Alcatraz for precautionary reasons. Sharks fans are seen jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, while Officer Smith is spotted on duty making sure that suicide committing patrons are doing so in a single file manner to avoid disorganization and traffic distraction.

George Lopez stan... [More]

Posted Tuesday, September 16, 2014 06:49 PM

Professional Analysis for Tuesday Night

A lot of people are pounding the Angels because Vegas has decided that the best team in the league is only worth -130 against the raggedy Mariners and their number five pitcher.

I guess Vegas officials are going to helplessly sit by the Bellagio fountains (which are out of order), and watch Laqueefa and Sharice obnoxiously barge their way through the line at the Hyde Lounge to tell the bouncer that they are on the VIP list for Brenda's stag. Upon entry, they immediately help themselves to one of the Texas Mickeys of Grey Goose. Brenda is having another baby but who cares? The three of them have a drunken and mildly heated conversation comparing the new grills that they just bought.

Sharice gets a little defensive and hostile when told that she has the mannerisms of Chamillionaire when wearing her grills.

"girl, you the one that be lookin like Lil Jon with dem Motherf-" she exclaims (with her voice being raised in an accelerated manner) but is cut off by a bouncer telling her to lower her voice and act in a more civil manner.

Meanwhile in Seattle, the Space Needle loses a few screws and falls and tumbles into the Puget Sound causing a few Piers to be evacuated. At the Pike Place, Marshawn Lynch is spotted engaging in some very unusual ritual involving a bag of skittles, a dead salmon, and four industrial sized bottles of Aloe Vera lotion. Nobody questions him, as they are more concerned about why the Mariners are down 25 runs in t... [More]

Posted Thursday, September 11, 2014 04:26 PM

MLB Professional Analysis for tonight

Alot of people are hammering the Kansas City Royals in a manner so militant that the Fist Pumping Violence Quality Control Department has been summoned to every sportsbook in Las Vegas.

"Please lower your fists and your voices or we will have to ask you to leave the premises!" Exclaims Officer Smith as he simultaneously works to calm the crowd while attempting to detain another 35 year old that rode his moped right into the Mirage Resort Casino.

Meanwhile in Kansas City, the tailgating barbecues are in full effect as Dale loads another rack of baby back ribs onto the grill and you can see the sweat forming and triangulating near the lower back regions of the white confederate wife beater that he is wearing. Unfortunately his barbecue is knocked over by a Billy Butler homerun which comes flying into the parking lot at a velocity higher than his weight (in lbs).

In Boston, chaos ensues as every bean factory becomes infected with an unknown disease. Harvard Campus witnesses a strike for law professors, and every student is violently rioting in their dorms as textbooks and trombones are only two of the several objects that can be identified as flying debris.

Vegas loses another 6 billion from these playoff driven Royals, but nobody cares because everyone is aggressively waving that Royal flag as if Kate and William made an emergency landing at McCarran International Airport.

... [More]

Posted Wednesday, September 03, 2014 06:29 PM

Angels/Astros Very Professional Analysis

"Houston, we have a problem!" yells another astronaut as he sits in his Space Shuttle and watches in terror as it involuntarily launches off the raggedy pad only to be shot down by Mike Trout's ninth home run of the game.

It's just that easy huh?

Every bettor violently hammers that -125 Angels line with Weaver on the mound as Vegas prepares it's Mari Winsor Pilates DVDs (volumes 1 to 67) so that they will be more flexible when bending over and letting all the tourists rape them on this line.

Back in Anaheim, children are violently waving their wands outside of Space Mountain as Sleeping Beauty pricks her finger for the third time this week in the dungeon of the castle, allowing the Knights to have their way with her for the next 48 hours that she is cast into sleep. Mickey Mouse drives a caddy (intoxicated) and crashes into King Arthurs Carousel injuring eleven children, including J-Rock's son who will now have to sell the remainder of his three day pass. J- Rock and Laqueefa are nowhere to be seen at the time of the incident because they are watching the big screen and watching Pujols round the bases to extend the lead to 16 runs. Laqueefa then proceeds to access her speed dial to speak to her local Jeweler to arrange a grill measurement consultation. Meanwhile, Fakooki patiently waits outside of his stand by the submarine thinking that if he shapes his Gyros like Nemo his sales will increase, but that is far from the case as his ecoli infected goat ... [More]

Posted Sunday, August 31, 2014 06:20 PM

MLB Sunday Night (Very Professional Analysis and Angle)

Awwwww....Laqueefa making duckfaces and sending them to Jrock again!

A lot of peeps are hammering Kansas City in a manner beyond royally hostile proportions as if the team has everything figured out huh? Ok guy, I guess those Indians are just going to forget about the playoff race and let the city of Cleveland build LeBron and Manziel monuments all over Progressive Field.

Factory workers in Cleveland are spotted throwing their Michael Brantley player Ts into Lake Eerie while... the Bone Thugs & Harmony perform on an artificial stage by the lake. The Lake Eerie lifeguard is seen purchasing a gyro from Fakooki's stand nearby as Bizzy Bone trips on a stereo cord and helplessly falls into the Lake gasping until his baggy clothes converge and form a flotation device strong enough to allow him to safely propel himself to the shore, but that ain't anybody's business.

Meanwhile, in Kansas City everybody is having a summer barbecue as they violently wave their confederate wife beaters above their heads when seeing that Billy Butler has hit his fourth homerun of the inning which hits and kills a raccoon on Interstate 70. Laqueefa and Bombqueesha have pawned off their new grills after losing their last bet, but have now taken up a loan for this one and headed down to Tiffany's to get new jewelry. Unfortunately, they are denied by security at the door because Missy Elliot has reserved the location for a personal shopping spree...they are told to come b... [More]

Posted Saturday, August 23, 2014 05:29 PM

Exclusive Professional Analysis (Pirates/Brewers)

A lot of peeps are militantly hammering the Milwaukee Brewers like it's a stubborn crooked nail. I guess Miller Brewing Company is just going to hand out free MGD bottles at every golf course in Milwaukee today while Bernie Brewer goes down the homerun slide with delight for the seventh time before the end of the third inning huh?

Meanwhile in Pittsburgh, another pirate realizes he is lost as he gets redirected back towards the ocean by a local river guard by the name of Offi...cer Donald Brown. He is struck with a flying piece of steel and does not make it out of the city limits. "Dayuum dat fool got smoked!" yells Laqueefa from the shore side as she polishes her platinum grills while bumping Wiz Khalifa on her beats by Dre headphones and smiles as her ticket cashes in (the Wiz Khalifa concert was canceled because the artist was experiencing discomfort due to tattoo irritation). She then shifts her smile to a duckface in an attempt to perfect her selfie as she sends snapchats to Jrock.

In Vegas, the Trump Tower collapses due to poor maintenance..as the headboard banging continues to force wear and tear on the relatively new establishment. LVH has hired emergency employees (with speed as their primary asset) to sneak into the Mirage and steal bags of money while highly trained coyotes distract the authorities. Sadly, no money is found either as both books have had to pay out enormous amounts to Brewers moneyline bettors. McMarron Airport can no longer permit ... [More]

Posted Monday, July 07, 2014 06:05 PM

Braves/Mets Very Professional Analysis

A lot of peeps are very militantly hammering the Braves tonight as they go up against that belly dancer Dice K tonight in the same matchup they just won. I guess Vegas has craiglist postings in spam mode for cook positions as they prepare to hand out free buffets along with that tasty Braves line tonight huh.

Teenagers with little to no experience are violently filling out applications to work in the buffets as they are instructed to submit their envelopes to Sous Chef Phandi Haquoon as he multitasks between conducting interviews and cooking curry chicken heads at the MGM.

Phandi: Mr. Johnson, what are your qualifications

Applicant: My ambition as a ridah (as he adjusts his bandana to look like Tupac)

Phandi: Ok, you will begin your first shift at 5 pm. You are responsible for your transportation and please do be advised that there will be a lot of almond butter on the streets on the way here because Vegas is about to be barebacked tonight on the Braves moneyline. Please be cautious.

Meanwhile in New York, Justin Upton hits his third homerun of the first inning and strikes a plane that over shot LaGuardia Aiport by a mile. The plane does not crash, however male one passenger is traumatized as it hits his window cracking it. The homerun is called fair. After the third inning, 50 cent is summoned from his raggedy nearby neighbourhood to take over pitching duties from Matsuz... [More]

Posted Friday, June 20, 2014 07:04 PM

Rangers/Angels Professional Analysis

A lot of peeps are violently pounding the Angels runline with that scrub Joe Saunders on the mound huh? I guess Mickey Mouse and every other mascot from the Magic Kingdom will cast a spell on LA bats to hit at a flawless average tonight while Texas continues to battle Houston for second last in the division.

Disneyland is offering free babysitting services for kids while their parents are off to Vegas to take advantage of this line as well as the complimentary escorts upon check-in at the MGM. A random nomad finds himself wandering through the desert and into the Oasis where he decides to check in at the MGM (thinking it was some raggedy hostel). He checks out of the hotel the following morning in fury as he writes a complaint letter on the satisfaction form (of which he requires an additional loose leaf sheet of paper attached to the form due to his endless list of complaints). The first complaint reads:

"I did not get any sleep last night as I was disturbed by a combination of two sounds: excessive headboard banging and periodic increases of volume from the stereos blaring Barry White. I was not satisfied with my stay and would like a refund."

Meanwhile dust falls off the cowboy hats of the men in Texas as they two step their way into the roadhouses to watch the game, only to realize that they missed Mike Trout hitting for the cycle in the first inning (in which the homerun hit Aladdin off the magic carpet near Space Mountain. He fell and injured... [More]

Posted Monday, June 09, 2014 06:14 PM

Tigers/White Sox Professional Analysis

A lot of people are violently pounding the Tigers. I guess a Plenty Vault has been placed in Mo Town and the city has abandoned it's Ghost Town Certificate Status and is flourishing once again as the wealthiest city in the United States huh?
Ford Triumphantly trots their 2015 Ford Focuses through the streets of Detroit and honks the horns as Miguel Cabrera hits another homerun out of the US Cellular park and into the former Cabrini Green projects injuring a gunman and denting the bottom right corner of Zizi's Deep Dish Pizza cart. The White Sox, who had great success against Porcello in the past now find themselves swinging with pool noodles and wondering why the ball does not fly more than 17 and a half inches away from home plate. Jose Abreu is summoned back to Havana for a Birthday Bash. 
Meanwhile in Vegas, the city is invaded by hooligans in Tigers Jerseys and even Mike Tyson's Tiger is let loose to roam the strip. Kids in Miguel Cabrera jerseys are playing dice and blasting Avicii while their mothers take advantage of the free coach purse vouchers at Caesars Palace, while their fathers......well let's just say headboards are banging in every hotel and leave it at that....
Residents in the greater Chicago area are warned that Lake Michigan tides are unusually high. Bombquesha can be seen gathering J Rock's kids and running into the United Center to hide. She impatiently exclaims to the usher that she is disabled and needs priority refuge in the executive su... [More]

Posted Wednesday, June 04, 2014 07:27 PM

Cardinals/Royals Professional Analysis

A lot of Peeps are violently hammering the St. Louis moneyline today while a flock of Cardinals soar through the Gateway to the west arch.

I guess Vegas is bending over and giving gamblers just a tempting enough line so that grandparents, parents, and children can paint the strip with Aloe Vera lotion in a fun family filled festival so that they can all claim a part in allowing the Vegas to be barebacked in the atmosphere of a sweet luscious scent.

Meanwhile in Kansas, everybody is working overtime and witnessing their barbecue grills go up in flames as they scramble to take refuge in their customized trailers. You can sweat forming and triangulating in the lower back regions of many wife beaters, as the men of the trailer parks just can't catch a break these days. Even Jerusalem Café is shut down due to an explosion, and every Midwestern hog was about to miss out on their daily gyros....but look who comes to the rescue once again: Fakooki Fubuquishi.

Just a few hours away across the state, everyone is violently waving their 2011 Championship Hats above their heads as the St. Lunatics peform at the Scotttrade Center. The show is delayed midway through the session, as the bandaid on falls off Nelly's face and onto the dusty stage, but nobody cares because the big screen is showing the final inning of the game and Adam Wainwright is preparing to pitch his 27th consecutive strikeout en route to a perfect game. 

Posted Monday, June 02, 2014 04:38 PM

Pirates/Padres Professional Analysis

Alot of peeps are violently hammering the Pirates now that they have value and are looking to conquer Southern California. I guess Tim Stauffer is going to walk onto the mound with a Vince McMahon strut and give up another 7 runs before recording his second out of the game again huh? 
An elderly tourist couple staying at the MGM has filed a request to relocate to a different floor because there is excessive headboard banging on Floor number 9...I guess they missed the memo that every visitor received ten grand at the airport accompanied by a free escort pass in agreement that they place every penny on the complimentary Pirates win at +105. Even the bottom of the hotel invoice notice reads "headboards will be violently banging, and the MGM Grand does not take responsibility for the noise".
Meanwhile in San Diego, the city is affected by all the headboard banging as well. An earthquake is triggered by their neighboring state, in which the Seaworld experiences cracks in the aquarium glass. A seven year old boy is viciously attacked by an escaped flopping Beluga Whale, while a platypus is spotted knocking plates over at a Californian Pizza Kitchen. Fakooki points and laughs thinking that he will now receive all the business, but his excitement is shortlived as a shard of glass flies involuntarily into his gyro stand slicing his meat block into inedible portions. 
Meanwhile in Pittsburgh, every steel worker stomps his workboots in a militant manner as Pedro Alva... [More]

Posted Saturday, May 31, 2014 04:55 PM

Cincinnati Reds/Arizona Diamondbacks Professional Analysis

The pilates session has officially been extended, as Vegas extends out to grab her ankles with that gift of a -105 line on the Cincinnati Reds with Johnny Baseball pitching today against the second most raggedy team in the majors.

"All the way behind your head....extend your legs ALL THE WAY BEHIND YOUR HEAD!" yells the Pilates Instructor in an encouraging manner.

I guess Brandon McCarthy has every intention of taking his gas can self out into the heat and then setting the ...mound ablaze and having another implosion performance huh? Fans ranging from adolescents all the way to senior citizens find themselves being pricked by cacti multiple times as the barrage their way into Chase Field, while Chase themselves witness their bank become a victim of twenty five million dollars worth of briefcases stolen where the robbery occurred when security guards were distracted by a trans am parked outside of the building holding the safe.

Jrock and Bombquesha decide to take an excursion to the Grand Canyon, while the kids cuss and fight in the backseat over the Nintendo DS possession (Ray Ray had just evolved his roster of Pokémon but CeeCee wants his turn to catch up). They realize that they have escaped chaos in both Phoenix and Vegas, as tumbleweed and coyotes continue to invade both locations. Meanwhile a tour bus company from Vegas is approaching bankruptcy, and can no longer hire quality drivers or keep up with maintenance. The bus drives right int... [More]

Posted Friday, May 30, 2014 04:50 PM

Mets/Phillies Professional Analysis

Alot of peeps are violently hammering the Phillies. I guess A.J. Burnett is going to put his hernia on hold tonight and pitch a no hitter while fans enjoy free cheesesteaks at Citizen Bank Park huh?

Hotel Clerk: Mr. Montero, you say you are the starting pitcher tonight? All we need is your First name, Last name, and date of birth. You gave us a little too much information telling us the exact sequence of pitches that you are going to throw from 1-115. That information was not necessary.
Rafael Montero: I felt it was necessary to let everybody know so that the Phillies can hit me while Vegas loses a billion dollars today (through a spanish translator).
Rafael Montero goes back to tipping his pitches, as even the drunk tourists at the Bellagio can tell exactly when he is going to throw a change up while they violently wave their shirts over their heads as Ryan Howard hits another homerun. Phandi Haquoon is once again working overtime at the buffet as Vegas has instituted that they will be handing out free buffets again today while they apply Aloe Vera once again on every entrance of sportsbooks and prepare to extend their legs behind their heads. 
Fans from the New York area are denied in a manner beyond militant proportions when they try to enter the stadium. "Go back to ghetto Queens!" yells a security guard as he points away from the venue and a Big Willie Style CD falls out of the inside pocket of his uniform (which he quickly retrieves before anyo... [More]

Posted Thursday, May 29, 2014 03:44 PM

Royals/Jays Professional Analysis

Alot of peeps are aggressively pounding the Blue Jays while violently waving their Toronto flags as they sing O Canada on every balcony in North America. I guess the Royals are going to graciously accept being swept by the raggedy Astros and walk through Canadian Customs with the intention of bending over and allowing Toronto to extend their win streak to double digits huh?

Customs and Immigration Officer Walter Smith: Purpose of the trip sir?

Billy Butler: to walk into Rogers Center and get railed by the hottest team in baseball and get thrown into Lake Ontario without a life jacket while Canadians stand on the shore and point and laugh at my 250 lb frame trying to tread water.

Customs and Immigration Officer Walter Smith: Alright sir, please proceed.

Meanwhile in Kansas, people are already talking about college basketball while they load another rack of baby back ribs onto the grill as they witness another tornado touchdown in the horizon. In Vegas, every tourist claims that they are from Canada (born and raised) as they sport their Jose Bautista jerseys and waltz into Wynn to make a $12K bet on the Jays, while Phandi Haquoon prepares curry chicken at the buffet in an accelerated manner after discovering that the food will be complimentary all day long.

Fakooki can't catch a break as he watches another ball fly out of the opened roof Rogers Center and k... [More]

Posted Tuesday, May 13, 2014 06:46 PM

Texas Rangers/ Houston Astros Professional Analysis

A lot of peeps are violently pounding the Texas Rangers at that easy -108 line huh?
I guess theft was legalized before marijuana in Nevada, as clearly the security at the MGM are turning a blind eye to all the tourists taking bag loads of casino chips out the backdoor while tripping on tumbleweed and making it real obvious. 
Officer Smith: How did you acquire so many chips when it is clear that you do not have the budget to bet big at the blackjack tables?
Raggedy Tourist: I...um....found it...
Officer Smith: Ok, have a nice day. 
Every buffet is free with the choice of one complimentary escort of five selected ethnic backgrounds, meanwhile.... in Houston, space shuttles are launching involuntarily off the launch pad and NASA headquarters are going haywire as another rocket gets hit by an Adrian Beltre grand slam forcing the craft into the Gulf of Mexico. In Dallas, fans are violently waving their cowboy hats and unemployment glasses in the air as the Rangers become the first team to score 27 runs in a single inning. 
Fakooki Fagabuquishi teams up with Phandi Haquoon in merging gyro recipes outside of Minute Maid Park only to have a another ball knock over the stack of freshly baked baklava. They are forced to relocate to the slums where Bombquesha refuses to eat lamb meat because they get stuck in her gold grills, but nobody cares because everybody is on the Rangers and have upgraded to Caviar dinners. ... [More]

Posted Friday, May 09, 2014 05:11 PM

Friday's Analysis (Yankees/Brewers)


In a battle of unfamiliar foes, the New York Yankees will visit Miller Park for only the second time ever to face the Milwaukee Brewers for the first time in three years. Masahiro Tanaka will continue to introduce himself to teams in the MLB with his nasty arsenal, while Yovani Gallardo likewise will be looking to take advantage of a ball club that has never seen his stuff (as a team).

There are a handful of guys on New York that have faced Gallardo, mainly being the free agents brought in from the NL in the offseason. None of them have had any significant success against him besides Carlos Beltran’s .286 average through 21 at bats against the right handed breaking ball expert. Also, the Yankees will lose the AL privilege of the Designated Hitter role for the first time this season, and will see their pitcher Tanaka replace their slugger Alfonso Soriano in the batting roster today. This should mean one expected auto-out per rotation that they are not used to working with. Also, the remainder of the lineup with the exception of Mark Teixeira, are not significant power hitters. Going up against a groundball pitcher, chances of longballs will be minimized.

On the other end, Milwaukee has definitely started to cool down overall. Losing Ryan Braun did not help the case either. This will be Tanaka’s chance to take advantage of a declining team at bat, and for the first time in his major league career, he will also get to throw to the opposin... [More]

Posted Wednesday, May 07, 2014 05:56 AM

Clippers/Thunder Professional Analysis

"Kevin Durant is MVP and made an emotional speech"


"Vegas will bend over and get barebacked by every OKC bettor on that easy -5.5 line"


I guess the Clippers are taking their game one win and ordering champagne in every raggedy bar in Oklahoma. The celebrations continue as Blake Griffin shows up drunk to game two looking like a confused Cyclops on the court. Kevin Durant delightfully two steps into Chesapeake Energy Arena with his trophy, as he can also now bench press more than 185 lbs. He then proceeds to begin the game with eleven consecutive treys in the first 6 minutes as if he were a Midwestern woman at a buffet. Fans violently chant "OKC!" as Jrocks kids take selfies (hashtagging ?#?BeatLA?) with the MVP trophy and steal popcorn from the vendors while employees are staring at the lobby screen.

Meanwhile in Vegas, architecture is collapsing once again as the awful stench at the Excalibur finally causes King Arthur to drop his sword, which falls over and slices through the glass pyramid of the Luxor injuring four people (two slightly overweight males from Wyoming and two escorts). In Huntington Beach, surfers get attacked by a school of Great White Sharks, but nobody cares because the rest of the nation is fist pumping in a manner so supportive that even Steven Adams starts to develop some swag en route to a triple digit victory.

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