Posted Thursday, December 31, 2015 05:56 PM
It is the eve of 2016 in Las Vegas. Everyone is waving their Eiffel Tower daiquiris. The eyes of children are lit up with excitement as Lopita, an intern Cirque du Soleil dancer from El Paso, does cartwheels on a beam with precision while fireworks of various colors erupt behind the stage. The youthful glow on her face reflects on the streams of the nearby fountains (which do not belong to the Bellagio, as they are still inactive), and a mother giggles with joy as many beautiful colors emerge and the countdown draws near. "Isn't this beautiful?" says a 46 year old father breathtakingly, who is staring into the distance as three female strippers prance about gracefully along the boulevard with nothing but Ed Hardy thongs on.
Meanwhile at the Staine residence at the trailer park, Cheyenne has taken out the guitar and attempted a Miranda Lambert song that she has been practicing for seventy eight days. Unfortunately she did not take singing lessons, and this results in her sounding like a dying raccoon that just got it's leg crushed by a mud truck. BJ is disgusted by his wife's singing, and heads over to his other stepsister's trailer just two minutes before 2016 unfolds.
Fakooki sits at his gyro stand all night. needless to say, no one stops by for the countdown.
Hector and his family are kicking off the New Year with a pinata. Hector's cousin Julio takes a swing with the bat, and somehow Hector coincidentally ducks just in time for Julio to miss his head ... [More]
Posted Wednesday, December 02, 2015 05:37 PM
My name as you all know is Fakooki, and I can honestly say life has been much easier ever since moving to New York. When me and Phandi Haquoon had a falling out, I took the time to learn English. Right now, I am very fluent in it. Two months ago, I hardly knew twenty English words. However, ever since I have been able to excogigate the equanimity of my personal nature, I have become unencumbered from the obstacles of my limited vocabulary and therefore have been able to fulfill my thirst for knowledge. I have been able to mold my communication in a perspicacious manner, and this has allowed me to transform into a sesquipedalian who is magnanimous, rumunerative, and superabundant to opportunities as opposed to my saxicolous previous self.
I sit outside of Barclays Center today in my infamous goat fusion cuisine stand, and a customer reports that he found goat hair in his Chipotle Ground Goat over lettuce mega burrito. I kindly offer him a homemade goat infused baklava (which costs 37 cents on the menu) as a generous compensation, and he responds very rudely. I do not take to this kindly, and immediately start to cuss him out.
"Why you talk me dis way?! you go away and no come back to me you hear! Me no like what you try do!" I yell in frustration.
Nonetheless, I continue to save money by not hiring a goat hair removal specialist. It only cuts into my profits.
Islanders moneyline -135 GL guys... [More]
Posted Tuesday, December 01, 2015 05:56 PM
It is now the aftermath of the tornado, and the Staine family is still in shock. As they gather their documents for insurance purposes, they now discover that their Trailer Premium protection Plan does not cover damages to trailers over 18 feet.
BJ Staine: What kind of mumbo jumbo crap is this?
Insurance Agent: Sir, I can make a deal with you. We can cover 18 feet of damages, and this means that the remaining 5 feet of your trailer will have to be handled under your own account.
In doing so, Darby and Dolan Staine lose their bunk beds temporarily and will be staying in a newly purchased Coleman tent just a few yards away from the newly reduced sized trailer. During their dinner that evening, Dolan complains that too many mosquitoes linger around the tent. BJ immediately dismisses his sons complaint and loads another spoonful of mayonnaise onto his country baked squirrel pie.
Shortly after dinner, the Grizzlies game starts, and BJ remembers the good times they had when they used to reside in Munford, Tennessee. The Staine family turned on their 23 inch Zenith TV, and Darby's classmate Hector asks to join them in watching the game. The Staines reluctantly agree despite their family differences in political views. Hector shows up in an Anthony Davis player T-shirt, and BJ is absolutely furious. He begins by kindly requesting Hector to dispose of the shirt, and then proceeds to aggressively cut off Hector's unibrow with an old rusty blood stained Venus raz... [More]
Posted Monday, November 30, 2015 06:34 PM
As you all know, Laqueefa's first heartbreak came when she was a teenager residing in the Midwest. You may also remember that it came just outside a Missouri Trailer Park by the hands of BJ Staine, who essentially dumped her for his snaggletooth stepsister Cheyenne.
It has been over twenty years since, and the Staines have moved to Oklahoma. While all seemed to be buried in the past, karma always seems to come back full circle. On the evening of a Thunder game, the Tulikeo Trailer Park arranged for a gathering. BJ, Cheyenne, and their two sons Darby and Dolan were responsible for bringing a plate of food to the community barbecue. Since their neighbour Dale offered to bring the Coors Light, and another family decided to bring the cornbread, the Staine family was responsible for the 8 ounce charbroiled raccoon chops. Cheyenne had attended culinary school for an entire 15 days, and had very quickly become the go to cook at the trailer park for such festivities.
It was a hot and beautiful afternoon. BJ was rubbing away at a yellow stain on his confederate wife beater. Cheyenne was loading her lower lip with Copenhagen (long cut) while firing up the George Foreman Grill. Darby, who turns 126 months old in two days, was attempting to spit watermelon seeds into the trailer's toilet bowl (he finished 9 for 86 from 2 feet away). Dolan was going through his mud truck card collection, and realized that he was missing one card. All of a sudden, the clouds started becom... [More]
Posted Thursday, November 12, 2015 05:12 PM
After a few months of absence, Laqueefa has finally been released from hospital. For those who are unaware, the 5' 8 robust female who was born in Birmingham, Alabama, underwent a stressful fifty seven days shortly after her return from Africa. To make a long story short, it was a warm sunny day and the 34 year old was watering her favorite bed of Hydrangeas just a few moments after returning from Bloomingdales. She tried on her new Via Spiga Tiara snakeskin collection High Heel sandals (She really wanted the Via Spiga Beline Suede Over the Knee 2015 Mid Heel Boots, but they were a lot harder to steal and her ex coworker Daquarius was not in charge of security that day). Nonetheless, the sandals went very well with her Phatfarm denim overalls. She also had new pink braids installed into her scalp, so it was a perfect day for a selfie with her pink flowers. As she was taking a selfie, she realized that a daddy long leg spider had crawled onto the lower braid near her right cheek. She immediately jumped around screaming and shouting, and then grabbed her broom swatting at her face, looking like an ADHD diagnosed girl from a Roald Dahl novel. She ran onto the road while Jrock was reversing on the driveway, and was struck by the 2003 Dark Blue Ford Focus. She sustained minor injuries( fractured forearm, bruised left nipple, denting of the upper left bicuspid region of her gold grills) , but experienced trauma following the incident..and was held in hospital for nearly two m... [More]
Posted Thursday, October 15, 2015 05:56 PM
After killing the family goat, Fakooki was sent off to the United States by his family on a galleon from Mozambique. Fakooki eventually went to St. Edward's High School and became very close friends with Tommy Ciopang and Phandi Haquoon. The three of them would play Big Two in the school cafeteria after school until Tommy's mom would drive by in the 1996 Hyundai Elantra to drive them to TaeKwonDo class.
One gloomy Thursday morning, Tommy loaded his Pokemon backpack onto the school bus and headed off for Sophomore Math Camp, while Phandi and Fakooki waved goodbye and decided to try cooking. They discussed their previous experiences.
PHANDI: I have never cooked anything in my life before
FAKOOKI: I have unintentionally cooked a medium rare rib eye goat steak which gave my sister E coli poisoning. but that's about it.
PHANDI: Let's get started.
Phandi and Fakooki experimented with various ingredients from Paprika spices and cinnamon to chicken beaks and horseradish. They would listen to 50 Cent while cooking, and eventually both of them decided that the culinary industry was their passion. Upon post secondary application, both Phandi and Fakooki agreed to apply at Winstons Vocational College's Culinary program. Both applied online from their own devices, and waited two weeks to hear of their approval. Phandi opened up his letter and exclaimed "Yes! I got accepted into Winston's culinary program!" Fakooki opened his letter and exclaimed " Yes! I g... [More]
Posted Wednesday, September 30, 2015 06:00 PM
A lot of you may know Laqueefa as a self absorbed, R & B loving, selfie perfecting, ignorant grill snob from the projects. However once upon a time, the Johnson family actually resided near a trailer park community just three miles south east of Munford, Tennessee. Like in many childhood romances, Laqueefa would catch frogs in a nearby creek with a young athlete by the name of BJ Staine. BJ lived in the 23 foot customized 1994 Banshee trailer at stall #23 (Northeast corner of the trailer park near Dale's family), which was decorated with indistinguishable crayon art which could only be understood by autistic Midwestern children. He would often go to the creek out of boredom while his mother breastfed his 78 month old brother on the cedar picnic table. While skipping stones, he would usually see 12 year old Laqueefa pull up on her raggedy bicycle and park it on one of the nearby rocks. They would laugh, joke, and sing. At times, Laqueefa would bring her steel drums and play Montell Jordan songs while BJ would play Toby Keith songs on his guitar. They were never in sync with each other, and their music sounded worse than thirty four dying peacocks incorporated with a Munford Lutheran choir...but it was the moments that counted.
One Valentine's day however, BJ received a note from his Step sister Cheyenne. It read "Will you be my Valentine?". BJ pondered upon a decision for three minutes, and this made Laqueefa very jealous and angry...plus her family decided ... [More]
Posted Thursday, September 10, 2015 06:17 PM
Fakooki Fuguquashi grew up in a small village, and is one of three children in the huthold. Being the middle child was never easy. His older brother Poomba would always get to do "big kid" things, such as camel racing in the dunes and playing heroin tag with blowguns. His little sister Ashley was born much later (in fact ten years younger than Fakooki), and always got her way just as Fakooki was approaching his teenage years.
Fakooki always loved goats. He liked to cuddle with them, pet them, feed them, and take them for walks near the crocodile infested lagoons during the sunset. One day however, Fakooki was very thirsty after a long walk home from Sand Art Class in seventh grade. He came home only to find that the glass of goat milk that he poured into a glass and kept for himself had been consumed by his three year old sister. Fakooki became so angry that he stole his brother's blowgun and shot their pet goat Garandhi repeatedly in the neck with heroin dipped darts. Garandhi went into a rage and started twitching like a mentally challenged Parkinson patient attempting the Harlem Shake, and jumped right into a nearby bonfire. The Fuguquashi family later consumed Garandhi for dinner.
Today, Fakooki is well established in his career, as he loads another gyro platter onto the grill just outside of Turner Field. Customers are heartwarmed daily, and attend his stand with joy as they pick the animal hair off their plate and enjoy a scrumptious traditional delicacy. To... [More]
Posted Wednesday, September 09, 2015 06:31 PM
After a few weeks, Laqueefa is finally recovering from her trip to Zimbabwe. Just to sum things up, the last fourteen days have been very difficult and miserable for her as she was experiencing : jetlag, upset stomach, complicatedly tangled conrows, yellowing of chrome grills, and general exhaustion.
"To heeelll wit dem gazelle sirloins!" she yells at the nail salon as she gets her fingernails painted turqouise.
"excuse me m'aam? " asks the Journeywoman Nail artist.
A very important game is being played in Philadelphia today, as the the rubber match of the 2015 Annual Special Needs Baseball Championship is brought to you by GEICO. High school children ages 17 and above are volunteering to make the event a memorable one, and also partially because they need credits to make up for various failed ninth grade courses. Quasimodo Johnson, a senior ninth string Running Back at Penn State University has also kindly volunteered his time to climb the bell at the Hall of Independence and ring for the opening pitch. Unfortunately his Champion tearaways get caught on the large crack on the bell, and his Tickle-Me Elmo boxers are exposed.
Braves First Five moneyline -125
Posted Tuesday, August 18, 2015 05:55 PM
After running out of things to do in Zimbabwe ( "This trip been more boring than a Gucci Mane Album" Laqueefa was heard muttering at the dinner tavern two days ago), the party spent yesterday travelling to Uganda. The first thing they want to see naturally, is the Nile River. Laqueefa rents a canoe from the Kitkukhembi Boat & Goat Rental and Transportation Needs, and they begin canoeing down the river. Jrock's two kids are making water balloons and throwing them at spear fishers on the riverbanks. "I will cut u 4 dis!" yells a fisherman as he tries to swim over to the canoe. Jrock's oldest son hits him in the head with an oar, and they move on. "Ain't the river ever end?" yells Laqueefa as sweat permeates through her cornrows and onto her Phatfarm blouse underneath her Denver Nuggets replica Carmelo Anthony jersey.
They finally reach another village, called Johnston's Port. To their surprise, they see a child playing by the water. The kid looks awfully familiar to Jrock's oldest son, so he tries to holler at him. All of a sudden, a chimpanzee comes down from the trees and kicks the kid into the Nile river, where he escapes three crocodile attacks and ends up on the other side of the river.
"Oooooo mi Hectorino!!! dith ith why we should have choth di amazon insthead. Somebudyy pleaaasth help mi Hectorino" yells the child's mother, as Laqueefa laughs and throws an anchor down near the shore.
Red moneyline +100 ... [More]
Posted Sunday, August 16, 2015 06:55 PM
Day 6 in Zimbabwe.
Laqueefa has finally recoved from Malaria, and her and Jrock's kids snuck out of the witch doctor's hut to steal a safari Jeep and do some venturing of their own. In the process, she stops at a nearby water village of Ukemeruki to gather water and install blood diamond rims on the tires of the jeep. Laqueefa steps into the water to fill up her Nalgene water bottle (which is decorated with NWA quotes and the Los Angeles skyline) when she is suddenly attacked by an Antelope.
"awwwwww heeeeeelllll naawwwww!!!" she yells as her Ferragamo handbag gets latched on to one of the Antelope's horns and she flails up and down frantically trying not to fall into the water. Finally, Jrock's oldest son steals a rain stick while the tribe is engaging in their congo session. "Hey!" yells the leader "Dat is not sumthing 4 u 2 b playin around weeth ova hea! Put it back in d hyena hut!" he commands. Jrock's son simply ignores him and takes the rain stick over to the water and smashes the antelope right in the forehead, causing the animal to drop Laqueefa and run away.
Laqueefa is in serious condition, as both sides of her Blue Levi jeans are torn. Her body remains unharmed.
Angels Moneyline +115
Posted Thursday, August 13, 2015 06:27 PM
After experiencing a very upset stomach and a rare but mild form of Malaria, Laqueefa has made it to day three in Zimbabwe. She sits in the village of Kuwahelegha with the locals, enjoying a 17 oz medium rare Zebra sirloin served with a whole seed filled watermelon. Laqueefa has been moody ever since the safari, and is getting very aggravated as Jrock's oldest son is playing a marimba very loudly trying to perfect a soulja boy tune. Laqueefa is trying to insert her new armadillo tooth earring, before taking a snapchat selfie for Jrock. Finally she snaps "you gon get an assssssswhoopin when we get back to the hut!", she yells, as the child stops playing immediately.
She finally perfects her selfie, and proceeds to send the snap. She then realizes that there is no phone reception. She proceeds to ask the tribe leader where she can get some signal.
"Dat is easy mi woman. We ken find d signal" he says as he lights a bonfire and chants around the smoke.
Angels/Royals FIRST FIVE UNDER 4.5 -110
Posted Tuesday, August 11, 2015 06:33 PM
Laqueefa has taken a two week vacation to Zimbabwe to explore her roots. She begins day one with an upset stomach due to the gazelle curry over yellow rice served on the WestJet flight, but is still in good spirit as her and Jrock's two kids engage in their first ever Safari.
Jrock's oldest son is riding shotgun in the 1997 open top Jeep, as a vulture snatches a popsicle out of his hand. After passing by forty seven Antelopes, fifteen Armadillos, six honey badgers, and three giraffes (there used to be four at Rupert's Savannah and mud spa, but Korkie who was a seventeen year old Zebra got struck by lightning during a thunderstorm two weeks ago...in which the village had a funeral ceremony that required twenty nine pallbearers due to the length of the coffin), the group is finally ready to settle down in the water village of Ukhemanda to spend the remainder of the evening.
A group of villagers begin chanting mysteriously for several minutes, as they welcome Laqueefa and the two kids aboard. At the end of the ceremonial chant, there is an extended moment of awkward silence. Laqueefa has a displeased look on her face, and finally says "Where ma boy Tupac at?"
Jrock's kids fight over the witch doctor's rain stick, and are surprised to see a young child walk out of a water buffalo hide tent wearing a 2015 Seahawks championship T-shirt.
"Umm....you do know that the Patriots won the superbowl right?" says Jrocks younger son. "Abooolagoooballaagooo... [More]
Posted Thursday, August 06, 2015 06:18 PM
The tourists are still very upset after the Indians and Angels game stayed under two nights ago. Many of them watched it through it's entire duration in hopes that the Indians would hit two grand slams at the top of the twelfth inning, which to their surprise did not happen.
Many have taken matters into their own hands by throwing stones at the half sunken galleon at Treasure Island, causing it to actually sink...as an overweight amateur actor impersonating Jack Sparrow clings on to the upper deck of the ship for dear life. Jrock's oldest son climbs over and pulls down the actor's pants, revealing his ghostbusters undies.
Nonetheless, Vegas has one more expense on it's list...two, actually...if you count the need to pay all the gamblers on that sexy -110 Braves moneyline against an absolutely raggedy Marlins team with an absolutely raggedy pitcher. I guess the Treasure Island ship can only be half erected, as the rest of the funds will be allocated towards complimentary aloe vera extract butter in all of the room suites in every hotel above $37.99 excluding those on Cheyenne and Rainbow.
In Miami, Boris the bath salt dealer has set up a stand on South Beach. He entices men, women, and children passing by with a 2 for 1 deal. Not surprisingly, many Cuban men are seen in a crouching position ready to leap out at anything that moves. Hector is seen purchasing bath salts, which he mistakes for gobstoppers. He immediately turns green and starts barking a... [More]
Posted Tuesday, August 04, 2015 06:29 PM
Vegas is starting to be in much better form, as renovations at the Bellagio fountains are almost complete. The pinless ATMs have now been quietly hidden behind the Chapel of Flowers (only eight pastors have discovered it so far). However, it appears that the sunken living rooms at the Palazzo have sunken even lower...as there is a sinkhole beneath the hotel. Journeywoman Escort Hortencia was in a room 604 with a male guest from Romania by the name of Vladie. "Bad Vlad, Bad Vlad," she says as she struts over to him and strikes him with a leather whip. "I do not like rough," protests Vladie as he hops over the $4500 sofa to avoid her as the hotel sinks at a rapid pace.
I guess Vegas is not doing anything about it. Vegas officials search up Mari Winsor's number to enroll in the latest advanced pilates program, so that they can continue to grab their ankles as they watch the public cash in on that sexy over 7 total between the Indians and Angels.
MARI (on the phone): What do you mean a whole sixty minute session of ankle grabbing? this would defeat the purpose of pilates sir. The point of the program is not to engage in the same act throughout the entire session.
VEGAS OFFICIAL: What about ankle grabbing without clothes on for twenty minutes, and then forty minutes with a scarf on? Would that be more effective?
Meanwhile at Angels stadium... the fountains in the outfield look more like Old Faithful geysers, as fireworks and water works violently erupt ever... [More]
Posted Thursday, July 30, 2015 03:42 PM
It's a beautiful day in Vegas. Bricks are being loaded off trucks as renovations throughout the strip are being initiated. Julio is out in the 100 degree sun by the gatorade coolers, as he lays down another brick before his break. Sweat permeates from his armpit regions and onto the clavicle crevice area of this green and red Fruit of the Loom shirt. However, Jrock's oldest son picks up a brick and throws it at the Eiffel Tower, and because of cheap infrastructure..the tower comes tumbling down.
It appears that escorts are buying vaseline (they can no longer afford the coconut puree Fiji extracted butter) as they prepare for Free Escort Thursdays while every tourist receives an escort voucher with their Twins moneyline bet tonight. Bambi, who is the longest serving escort at Bunnies of Las Vegas, cuts open three coconuts that she smuggled home from her trip to Barbados. She pours the coconut juice into an industrial sized Vaseline bottle to preserve authenticity. She then uses the coconuts as mock bras.
In Seattle, the Pike Place Fish Market is having their fish throwing show as Richard Sherman is the special guest. He stands 20 yards away from the thrower, trying to show off his catching ability without gloves on. Unfortunately he misjudges where the thirty seven pound adult halibut lands, and it goes flying through his arms and onto Fakooki's grill next to the Original Starbucks. Fakooki is unaware that his Goat Pancreas Platter has now been infused with t... [More]
Posted Monday, July 27, 2015 06:35 PM
Vegas is dealing with a lot of well known problems at the moment. The fountains at the Bellagio are spraying left, right, and center, causing every third bystander to be drenched. The coyote infestation is at an all time high, as children under the age of 26 are being chased out of the Adventure Dome. Many of them are denied re-entry despite having their red wristbands. It also did not help that the Cosmopolitan Hotel Bamboo Pool area caught fire a few days ago, as many of the funds are being applied to replacing the Cabanas and having former Wrestling superstar Carlito brought in as a guest speaker on fire safety.
VEGAS POLICE: Sir, you claimed to have been at the pool area when the fire started. Did you notice anything unusual?
TOURIST: Yes, three men entered the area with flamethrowers and lit the fake palm trees on fire.
VEGAS POLICE: Thank you sir, we will be sure to begin an investigation on how we can make the palm trees more fire resistant.
Meanwhile Vegas is once again opening the free buffet at Treasure Island, as Phandi Haquoon puts on his pirate chef hat and prepares for his 27 hour shift tonight while tourists violently hammer the Cardinals today after the Reds wave the white flag with embarrassment.
In Cincinnati, the Riverband Music Center is bumping as thirty seven fans violently roar as Nick Lachey crawls out of his one bedroom cave and onto the stage and performs hits from 2003. Laqueefa is in attendance, as she thought she p... [More]
Posted Tuesday, July 21, 2015 07:33 PM
Vegas is in complete shambles once again, as the lone active fountain at the Bellagio has erupted with more pressure than a Super Soaker CPS 2500, and caused several rooms on the second floor of the hotel to flood. Dale is in room 223 with a fourty seven year old escort by the name of Brandina in a Banana Republic Dress, as she prepares her industrial size bottle of Aloe Vera cream on her third right love handle, when water storms into the room nearly drowning her. Luckily, Dale is a lifeguard at a local Missouri Community Center. He saves her life by throwing her out the window, in which she lands on a pinless ATM machine and knocks over the line, fracturing her left index finger.
Speaking of Pinless ATMs, Vegas is one again bending over with that sexy -120 line on the world's best baseball team as they bring Michael Wacha to the mound.
Chicago is once again in horrible condition, as there are shootings going on in Millennium park by Lake Michigan. Apparently, the Cabrini Green Projects have secretly reestablished themselves at the park, and Jamal and Tayshaun are fellow gang members in a dispute over who gets the last Goat pudding shawarma at Fakooki's Lake Side Goats R Us Stand.
JAMAL: Man I done been standin here the whole time....THE WHOLE TIME!
TAYSHAUN: Man I don't care, I been eating Hamburger helpers all week and I been cravin dat mountain Goat.
gunshots are fired off the Silver Bean, and a 9mm ricochets and knocks a sombrero off Hect... [More]
Posted Sunday, July 19, 2015 03:56 PM
Vegas is in better shape, but still on a tight budget. However, the good news is that the minimum weight of strippers at he Sapphire Pool at Rio have now been reduced from 196 lbs, to 167 lbs, as enough funds are available for more expensive dancers. Cinnamon struts back and forth with elegance and confidence as her debut is underway and she is wearing a Rock and Republic Thong and Fruit of the Loom bras. She does a spin and attempts a cartwheel but accidentally kicks one of the servers in the head, causing three Strawberry Mojitos to be spilled into the pool. She receives a warning as T Pain is played for the remainder of her session.
While Bellagio fountains are still as inactive as Royce Da 5' 9", the buffet is offering completely free meals to the first five hundred thousand guests under the age of ninety two, as Madison Bumgarner is being offered at -120 today against the raggedy Diamondbacks along with the free meal. Phandi Haquoon is trying to coordinate the Tandoori Gazelle dish , which happens to be a favorite right out of the gates.
GREETER: I'm so sorry ma'am , but we cannot let you in.
WOMAN: Why not?
GREETER: You turned 93 last month. There is a McDonalds just behind Circus Circus near Vatos alley though.
Just a state over, there is a state of emergency as fifty seven seniors have been attacked by coyotes. Hector is on a field trip at the Desert Botanical Garden with his best friend Julio. Both are still wearing casts from last weeks Sh... [More]
Posted Saturday, July 18, 2015 06:38 PM
The Confederate Flag at New York New York is raised halfway this afternoon, as thousands of Las Vegas residents gather for Tuffy's Memorial Service. For those of you who are unaware, Tuffy was the longest serving dolphin at the Mandalay Bay Aquarium, but sadly was eaten by a Great White Shark three weeks ago. One tourist at the ceremony looks puzzled and approaches a Vegas Official.
TOURIST: Why did it take three weeks to set up an funeral?
VEGAS OFFICIAL: The coffin was too expensive for the city to afford. May I ask you to please lower your voice? the priest is offering blessings right now.
Nonetheless, it appears that Vegas is applying the Coconut enhanced SPF 30 Aloe Vera Lubricant on herself as she prepares to be barebacked by gamblers on that sexy -110 Marlins bet against the raggedy Phillies tonight. Headboard insurance companies are adding fine print to their policy, as they have lost a lot of money over the past three months. The policy now states that headboard damage inflicted by activity involving escorts over 175 pounds will not be covered in the premium Headboard Protection plan, and scales will now be provided in each hotel room at MGM Grand (Last week, a headboard in room 427 was shattered right against the grain when Hortencia, who had just been imported from Guadalajara, attempted to stretch her legs behind her neck..but lost balance and fell on top of the male guest and went elbow first into the cedar wood. The guest escaped with minor injuri... [More]
Posted Friday, July 17, 2015 06:41 PM
Vegas had a week to further recover, as now the coyote infestation hazard has now gone from level red to level orange. The Palms has reinstated the Pearl Theater, and an wannabe Dane Cook is performing tonight in front of seventy three people.
As New York New York requests for the Empire State Building to be re-erected after a sandstorm blew it down last month, Vegas Officials politely decline as they are now installing pinless ATMs near the site of where the building used to be while every gambler hammers the Pirates at plus value tonight. I guess Mike Fiers will be serving up more meatballs than an Italian grandmother, while Charlie Morton will be giving up less hits than Kevin Federline this evening.
New York New York Owner: Can we please have the Empire State rebuilt?
Vegas Official: No, it will cost too much...um....titanium.
Meanwhile in Milwaukee, things are not looking good. Lake Michigan has already washed away four golf courses and the tsunami is making it's way to Discovery World. Hector is learning about pendulums as a scientist nearby is doing a demonstration of how to make elephant toothpaste. The experiment goes wrong as Fakooki is frying goat heads too close to the presentation, and this creates a combustive effect sending everyone in the audience flying. Hector gets dragged along the waves of lake Michigan and slides into Jrock's oldest son, who proceeds to throw sheep hearts at Hector. "Ohhh no mi Hectorino!!" yells Hector's mo... [More]
Posted Monday, July 13, 2015 04:02 PM
Kris Bryant was seen sulking at a table by himself on an Ohio Riverboat earlier this afternoon. He had a plate of waffles sitting in front of him. After further investigation, I came to the realization that the kid was born and raised in Las Vegas. Put two and two together, and you will understand that the Cubs phenom would rather be betting on this event than actually participating in it. This is his first multi-day break of the season, and he it's hardly even a break for him since he has to spend part of it in Cincinnati. "I mean yeah...it's an honor and all. It's great...but um.. I mean for the fans and all. It'll be an experience..but. I mean it's good..for um...baseball..and I guess.. and..it's a privilege....I guess." was Bryant's response to interviewers, as corn syrup dripped from the left side of his lower lip.
Joc Pederson was spotted in downtown Cincinnati, as he was spotted by J-Rock..who immediately attempted to sell him one of his mixtapes. Pederson reluctantly agrees to put on the Beats By Dre headphones. The first thing he hears his "Young Joc- It's going down". Pederson proceeds to purchase a mixtape, and spends the afternoon with J-Rock and his two children. They record duets the entire afternoon, while Laqueefa is trying to get some rest and relaxation in the hotel's jacuzzi. "What does a hoodrat gotta do to get some tranquility up in dis joint? It's like I need a tranquilizer to tranquilize dis place wit y'all making dat noise like M... [More]
Posted Friday, July 10, 2015 06:36 PM
At this point, Vegas slowly brings her legs down from behind her head as she gathers every piece of jewelry and applies them to their appropriate body areas. The Venetian has now re opened the doors to the Casanova, and Phandi Haquoon has inventively gone out of his way to recruit authentic Italian servers for tonight's Sea Urchin Linguini special.
GIOVANNI: watta wuda you lika todaya?
TOURIST: The special.
GIOVANNI: Justa to letta you knowwa, We hava de gelato after the meala. And whatta cana getta disa beatifula laddy? Amore mio vieni qua, vieni.
TOURIST: Ok, we are not in Sicily. We are in Venice.
GIOVANNI: My apologies. Can I entice you into exploring any one of our delicious appetizers?
I guess every gambler is jawdropped seeing the Nationals at plus money against the most raggedy pitcher in baseball on a raggedy team tonight. The Excalibur hotel is offering free escorts in each tower, on a First Come First Serve basis as strippers slide up and down the pointy red and blue roofs wearing Burlesque style outfits.
"Are you serious?" King Arthur says as he comes out of his room and see's what is going on while Bambi struts over and licks the tip of his Sword dangling from the holster (which she then begins to bleed profusely after).
Meanwhile in Baltimore, there is a slam poetry session going on at the Edgar Allen Poe Museum. Jrock's oldest son takes stage and begins his session "Bigger, Trigger, Rigger,--"
"Okay, tha... [More]
Posted Wednesday, July 08, 2015 06:02 PM
Vegas is well on their road to recovery as the Aria Resort reinstates the Cirque Du Soleil and new performers are brought aboard for the first show in twenty six months. Unfortunately the only qualification required in performer applications was to not have a felony criminal record in the United States or Barbados, therefore several applicants are accepted without any prior performing arts experience.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have a criminal record?
APPLICANT: Yes, I was charged with mischief once.
INTERVIEWER: What did you do?
APPLICANT: Two years ago in Reno, I ran around the World's Tallest Climbing Wall naked and threw a cactus at a climber who was two rocks away from reaching the top, it missed and hit an elderly woman. I also was charged with armed robbery in Canada.
INTERVIEWER: Welcome aboard.
The first act is a disaster, as what was supposed to be a synchronization of thirty six dancers turned out to look like a zombie apocalypse in an organized setting. However, it also did not help that an elephant charged through the curtains and knocked a hula hoop off one of the dancer's ears and sent it rolling into the crowd. Hector gets caught in the hula hoop and rolls through the hallways of the hotel and into a nearby restaurant knocking over several plates of curry chicken heads. Phandi Haquoon is very upset and kicks the hula hoop with Hector still trapped in it, sending him into the desert rolling in synchronization with a tumbleweed triggered by a co... [More]
Posted Tuesday, July 07, 2015 06:10 PM
Vegas is well on the road to recovery now, as two more Grand Canyon tours are added with newly added options of disembarkation at Hoover Dam and a choice to take a discounted $435 taxi ride back to the Monte Carlo Megaresort.
TOUR GUIDE: So where is everyone from?
"Ooooh, that so nice. water get trap like some fwi wice in wice cooker!" Ciaopang exclaims as he points to the Dam, interrupting the tour guide.
His mother immediately slaps him and takes away his Pikachu beanie baby, and warns him that he will be facing a harsher punishment when they get back to Shanghai.
Right there and then, a coyote attacks the tour group and every participant scrambles to get back into the bus.
I guess there is nothing Vegas can do about that, as Vegas officials solemnly stare at the board and realize that everyone is taking the Pirates tonight against a San Diego team that needed twenty seven innings to score three runs. The Booze and Bite offer near the Pinless ATM machines have added a third perk to their promotion, which would now make it a "Booze, Bite, and Free escort" Deal tonight and Phandi Haquoon will once again have his hands full in the kitchen.
In San Diego, the city is in shambles. A new border patrol officer in training mistakes a gang sign for a universal travellers permit, and allows 14 cartels from Tijuana across the border. They immediately report to the SeaWorld, and feed the sea creatures large dosages of narcotics...causin... [More]