cj380's Blog

Posted 12 hours, 16 minutes ago

Braves/Dodgers Professional Analysis

With the Tigers win from yesterday, Vegas is in shambles..as approximately 273,044 Blue lobsters lost their lives in the hands of Chef Phandi Haquoon. This is almost as devastating as the choice of many Oakland residents to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge without parachutes. 
Today, Vegas renews her Platinum membership with Jo Anne's Pilates Club, and takes part in an extended ankle grabbing session as they continue to get ravaged by guests on the easy Dodgers win today with Greinke on the mound. The Lions at the MGM Grand have not been fed for eleven days and are now taking swipes at tourists through the cage. Fourteen year old Julio is walking by the area with a balloon in his hand, when the oldest female Lion claws and pops it...causing Julio to cry hysterically. His parents try to soothe him by using tissue paper to wipe tears and nasal mucus of his chin and lips. 
Meanwhile in Southern California, everyone is violently fist pumping while bumping 2pac in their convertibles. There is a vicious roar at Dodger Stadium as every fan waves their dirty towel when the score reads 16-0 LAD-ATL by the third inning. Alex Wood is driven off the mound while Grienke shoots peace signs from the dugout. In Atlanta, everyone is looting stores after the Coca Cola factory has a spill and drowns several nearby peach plantations. Laqueefa is spotted near one of the plantations looking to load up on peaches before flying off. "deez peaches be lookin all rotten and all. Where da... [More]

Posted Tuesday, May 26, 2015 05:29 PM

MLB Professional Analysis (some really good insights)

MILDLY OVERWEIGHT CAESARS PALACE GUEST: Hi, excuse me. I noticed that there are no prices listed for your Turbot A la Plancha Sea Urchin on Black Rice. I paid $85 for it last time I was here. I was just wondering if it was the same price?
GUY SAVOY SERVER: The entire menu is actually free today, plus there will be a complimentary bottle of Chardonnay, a Belgian Fondue following your meal accompanied by a Bib, and a free escort to walk you out the door. We have been instructed by Vegas officials to bend over and allow every tourist to bareback us on that easy -115 line with David Price pitching for Detroit today against the raggedy A's.
Meanwhile, in Mo Town, every unemployed Tigers fan is aggressively changing lanes with their Ford Focuses and violently waving their dirty Tigers flags as they approach a Rendez Vous at Lake St. Clair where fans are uniting. A wheel from the Chevy factory flies out and strikes a nearby trailer park injuring Dale's half sister and she waters the brown patch near the picnic table outside of their customized 21 feet trailer. Laqueefa is sitting at home watching the game while cooking buttermilk biscuits and heavily battered chicken in the kitchen naked. Her D12 CD starts skipping while Kon Artist verse comes on, and she gets very angry and throws a spoon at the ghetto blaster. However, her anger is immediately overcome when she sees Ian Kinsler hit for the cycle for the second time du... [More]

Posted Friday, May 22, 2015 08:06 PM

MLB Professional Analysis

A lot of peeps are violently pounding the Chicago Whitesox in a manner so militant that a mini Tsunami has occurred on Lake Michigan causing the Willis Tower to be engulfed in water. I guess the White Sox will find their epiphany and Vegas officials will bend over and allow tourists to take advantage of National Free Escort Day at the Mirage.
Residents of Oak Park have removed their Blackhawks Tomahawks (temporarily) and put on their deep dish pizza stained White Sox baseball caps while violently waving their wife beaters above their heads on their balconies overlooking the Loop. Xuan Pang  has been grounded by Mommy Peng Peng for buying a slice of deep dish and skipping out on Kung Pang Pao noodles at the Chinese Temple. He angrily puts on his Beats By Dre headphones and storms to his room, but can still hear noises after seeing mommy go into her bedroom with daddy. While Xuan tries to increase the volume of his Macklemore album on his headphones, all he can hear is "oooo paki paki" from next door. 
Laqueefa is shopping with Sharice for new grills while getting ready for girls night out, when she too realizes that she took the White Sox today. She immediately charges the new Chamillionaire Edition grills to her credit card, and then proceeds to buy a slice of pizza before dropping J-Rocks kids off at Kee Kee's house for the evening. Fakooki has set up his stand outside near US Cellular Field, and is wondering why nobody is buying his goat gyros for the day. U... [More]

Posted Thursday, April 30, 2015 04:37 PM

MLB Professional Analysis with inside info

A lot of people are violently hammering the Astros coming home after a sweep in San Diego, cheering and hi fiving on a six game win streak. I guess Vegas is going to bend over and rub the coconut lotion all over themselves as they allow tourists to bareback them on that sexy -111 line against beachball thrower James Paxton. 
Las Vegas Body Shop Employee: Boss, we are out of Coconut lotion..
Manager: Remember what I told you. Offer the customers our best alternative. Explain to them the benefits of Aloe Vera lotion and how it creates a very sensual experience with escorts on the strip.
Las Vegas Body Shop Employee: We are out of that too...
Manager: Oh.
Meanwhile in Seattle, every Mariners fan has officially jumped off the bandwagon and are waving those raggedy 12 Flags in hopes that the NFL decides to change the season opener to May 11th. Cecilia is walking by First Avenue with a Sherman Jersey when she is unexpectedly struck in the head with an adult Halibut. It turns out that the trainee at the Pike Place Market has been given a warning to improve his fish throwing skills already. 
In Houston, it is a different story as fans are violently waving their Altuve bobbleheads while watching the Astros launch rockets out of Minute Maid Park. NASA becomes very frustrated, thinking that the home runs are launch pad false alarms. They request for the game to be postponed to a later date that does not interfere with their launch, but are even more aggravate... [More]

Posted Tuesday, April 14, 2015 08:53 PM

MLB Professional Analysis

A lot of peeps are violently pounding the Padres in a manner so militant that Fakooki felt his Gyro stand rattle outside of Petco Park. While it was initially mistaken for a 6.5 earthquake, the theory was immediately debunked when the entire city held a parade for everyone who took Padres today. 
I guess Jeremy Hellickson is just going to bend over and allow that deadly outfield to treat him like a pinata for kids pretending to be blind but not wearing blindfolds. 
Meanwhile in the desert all the way from Glendale to Las Vegas, coyotes are running wild and attacking homeless folks and tearing holes in their sleeping bags. Dale, who has been on the streets of Tempe for awhile was attacked by an adult coyote for about twenty three minutes while four retired couples stood around and did not intervene. He tried to run but got caught in tumbledweed. He is slowly recovering in hospital at the moment. 
In Vegas, the entire strip is in shambles, as not only are they dealing with the tumbleweed and coyote infestation, the MGM lions have been provoked (Keep in mind that they have not been fed in days because the funds of the MGM are being allocated to paying for the escorts and bet slips). One lion escapes to attack a coyote but accidentally swipes at a tourist, causing him to be in critical condition with a sprained index finger and a broken camera. 
Back in San Diego though, there is a violent roar that can be heard very loudly from Tijuana as Matt Kem... [More]

Posted Friday, March 27, 2015 05:36 PM

NBA Professional Analysis with inside information

A lot of people are hammering the Toronto Raptors in a manner so militant that you would think they are doing well lately. I guess Vegas is going to let the Stratosphere be sold to a few folks in Toronto and allow the building to replicate the CN Tower, while children under the age of 24 years old ride the X Scream for free if they wear "We the North" T shirts. 
11 year old Hector is riding X Scream when he is launched into the side of the tower. Fortunately, his Derozan Player T gets tangled onto a lose nail, and he is hanging 860 feet above the ground awaiting rescue. 
DISPATCHER: We apologize, as it may take up to six hours and thirty seven minutes for the helicopter to arrive at the scene. 
HECTOR's FATHER: What? Why so long?
DISPATCHER: Because we are short staffed and cannot afford to pay emergency staff after the city has allocated all their funds to paying everyone for their Raptors bets. Just give him a Nintendo DS to keep busy meanwhile. 
HECTORs FATHER: Oh ok gracias.

In Toronto, everyone is doing the wave on the shores of Lake Ontario, as a tidal wave from the actual lake comes onto the land drowning 46 civilians and damaging the Hockey Hall of Fame to an non repairable extent but nobody cares because the rest of the City is waving that dirty Raptors Flag.
Lakers +8 ... [More]

Posted Wednesday, March 25, 2015 06:03 PM

Professional NBA Analysis with inside information

A lot of peeps are violently hammering the Houston Rockets tonight as Dwight Howard rolls into Smoothie King Center and pisses all over the court. I guess the Anthony Davis is just going to let his unibrow impair his vision and allow the Rockets to grab every rebound all night long en route to a 50 point victory huh?

Jrock is supervising the Metairie road crew today as he gets a "We need to talk" text from Laqueefa. He immediately heads to the French Quarters to confront her and Sharice after realizing that his credit card has been maxed out. He then calms down when he discovers that the money was used on the Houston Rockets moneyline, and breathes a sigh of relief. However, the text was actually meant to reveal that Jrock jr might not be his child. He snaps immediately and throws his phone into the Gulf.

Meanwhile, every single woman in Houston is violently waving their towels above their heads at a Destiny's Child Tribute Tour, while they perform independent women. "Grills I'm wearing, I bought it!" exclaims Hortencia as she quietly specifies "yeah I bought it with the money I am about to win with the Rockets today". NASA is also in good spirits as they are launching space shuttles to the moon to see which ones are more aerodynamic. One of them collides with another before leaving the Earth's Atmosphere, causing more pollution in the Gulf of Mexico, but no one cares because the entire city is cashing in on the Rockets today.

... [More]

Posted Tuesday, March 24, 2015 07:26 PM

NBA Inside Analysis. POD

A lot of people are violently pounding OKC as they piss all over the Lakers and win by double digits huh? I guess it's free escort week again in Vegas, and the Wynn has purchased premium headboard insurance for the wave of guests this evening. 
Meanwhile in Oklahoma City, a tornado rips through the suburbs but Carrie Underwood is joyfully performing "Blown Away" at the halftime show at Chesapeake Arena, as a trailer gets hurled over the downtown area. Fans don't care as they are violently waving that dirty OKC towel as Westbrook records a triple double within the first 6 minutes of the game. 
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, kids get attacked in Vatos Alley as many gangsters are upset with the Lakers performance today. 
Headboard Technicians are on standby all over the strip. 
"Honey, I hope you had a good dinner. Tell the kids Daddy says hi. I should be coming home around 4 AM. Love you" says a red baggy eyed Headboard technician as he hangs up at a nearby pay phone booth. 
Lakers +9.5 ... [More]

Posted Wednesday, March 18, 2015 06:17 PM

Play of the Day in NHL. INSIDE INFO

A lot of peeps are violently pounding the Anaheim Ducks as children under the age of 23 receive free Mickey Mouse P & B Sandwiches upon entry at Disneyland all day. I guess Vegas is extending her pilates session as she strives to bend over and grab her ankles while being barebacked by every bettor taking Anaheim.

Meanwhile in Disneyland, Cinderella is spotted engaging in promiscuous behavior with Pocohontas as they both lure Gaston into a nearby Teepee near space mountain. Gaston is seen immediately trying to escape as it turns out to be a trap for the Beast. 5 year old Hector gets in the way and is bowled over by Gaston. He cries hysterically as he drops his churro, as his parents are too busy to buy him another one because they are watching the Ducks game from a rollercoaster.

Just North, Tom Cruise is doing a scene for the next Mission Impossible, but is furious to hear about the Kings losing 11-0 after two periods. He takes matters into his own hands and goes on a rampage on the casting crew and make up artists, while Phandi Haquoon (the chef on set) escapes on a camel.

Pilates Instructor in Vegas: Now reach for your ankles and gently wrap them behind the back of your head.

Vegas Official: I'm trying.

Pilates Instructor: We might have to move you down a class. The preparation process for the amount of ankle grabbing you are going to do on tonight's loss might be a little overwhelming.

But no one cares because every... [More]

Posted Tuesday, March 17, 2015 03:00 PM

NHL Professional Analysis

A lot of peeps are violently pounding the Vancouver Canucks as the raggedy Flyers roll into town to lose again for the seventh time in eight games. I guess vegas is just going to allow the line to move so that bettors have just enough value to Hammer the Canucks and withdraw from the pinless ATMs outside of the inactive Bellagio fountains.

why is dis fountain not spraying d water ?

Because all our maintenance money is coming out of the pinless ATMs

Meanwhile, in Philly, Laqueefa is planning girls night out with Sharice and Bombquesha when she gets a phone call from the police station. Jrock's oldest son (12) was detained after swinging of the Liberty Bell at the Hall of Independence and claiming to be Quasimodo. He was also already being chased for stealing from Fakooki's philly cheese goat steak stand . Officer Smith happens to know Laqueefa from high school, and allows Jrock jr to return home with a warning.

Meanwhile in Vancouver, every hippie is violently waving their yoga mats on the sea wall in Stanley Park as The Canucks scoreboard reads VAN 14 PHI 0 .

Play Flyers ml +130


Posted Thursday, March 12, 2015 06:31 PM


A lot of people are violently pounding the Colorado Avalanche today as Bambi sits at the Grand Hyatt in downtown Denver performing services in P.Diddy's master suite while he plays the grand piano. I guess the Devils are just going to take off their skates and shower with aloe vera this afternoon as them and Vegas prepare to be barebacked by the Avs today.

Laqueefa has taken the train from downtown Newark into Penn Station in Manhattan to purchase new grills at Saks on 5th A...ve. She is trying on gold limited edition grills while snapchatting selfies to her friends (3 with grills on and 2 with a duckface), when she sees the scoreboard and realizes that she bet on the Devils.

"This will have to wait", she informs the Jeweller, "Dumbass whiteboys wit dem sticks cant score" she adds, as she leaves the store in anger and leaves the Jeweller with a confused look on his face.

Meanwhile in Aspen, skiiers and snowboarders are violently waving their poles and boards in the air as Matt Duchene scores his second hattrick of the period and extends the Avalanche lead to 11-0 in the second period. They are completely unaware that a real Avalanche has occurred on the ski hill. Eight year old Tyler has been swept off his Burton Snowboard and into a ravine, but his parents are more concerned about winning their bet than their son being stuck in a creek with Grizzly Bears.

Vegas officials have shutdown all sportsbooks, as they continue to find robbers to ass... [More]

Posted Monday, February 16, 2015 07:01 PM

NHL PLAY OF THE DAY with Inside info

A ten year old child by the name of Calvin was spotted in downtown Vancouver looking to buy tickets for tonight's game. "Oh look dad", points Calvin, "there are scalpers over there. Should we try get tickets?". "Sure Cal, go introduce yourself"


CALVIN: Hi, how much are you selling tickets for tonight's game for?

SCALPER: $170 per person, but why bother? they are going to lose tonight.


CALVIN: Oh Ok, thanks.



Posted Thursday, February 12, 2015 04:17 PM

NHL Play of the Day!

The Blues will have a tall task ahead of them as they fly into Tampa Bay , but let's break down this matchup. Ben Bishop was spotted at a local St. Petersburg fondue event yesterday tasting different variations of chocolate with different variations of fruit ( guava being the last seen). Though I do not think this will disrupt his preparation routine, I feel that his focus is not 100% on his opponent seeing from which he could have had fondue any other day of the week. Blues looked very good out east lately. St. Louis Captain David Backes also seemed very confident when asked if the team was prepared to win in a non hockey environment .

"Yes" replied Backes when asked if he was ready for his upcoming game.

When Bishop was asked the same question, he replied "it's going to be a challenge for sure" (with chocolate sauce dripping violently down his chin)

Blues ml

Posted Monday, January 26, 2015 06:41 PM


A lot of people are putting on their green hats and violently riding the Boston Celtics today as if St. Patrick's Day was pushed two months early just because the Warriors only won by three points last night. I guess the Celtics have found the pot of gold at the end of the desert's rainbow and are ready to put a winning streak together.
In Bean Town, every corporate guido has put on his stone washed khakis and headed out to watch this game. They are waving the big green flag as Evan Turner hits his 7th Half courter by the midway mark for the first quarter. Harvard Freshman Connor McConnor decides to skip his last Business Law class to prepare for the festivities of tonight's game, but it does not go well as he trips over one of the statues on campus and sprains his ankle ."That's retaaaaded!" he exclaims as he makes an obscene gesture at an art student walking by.
Meanwhile in Salt Lake City, they are feeling the aftermath of the barebacking going on in their neighboring state of Nevada. Tumbleweeds roll into the state of Utah carrying debris of headboard remains and aloe vera binded lavender candles and sex toys. 
"What's this daddy?" says 8 year old Joseph
"It's um...it's bad!" answer's his father as he adjusts his suspenders and puts down his REPENT OR PERISH sign. 
Salt Lake overflows and eleven Mormon children have gone missing because they were at church during the only available swimming lesson offerings, but nobody cares because everybody is c... [More]

Posted Wednesday, January 14, 2015 06:18 PM

NBA Professional Analysis (undefeated in the New Year)

A lot of people are violently hammering the Dallas Mavericks as they hold their heads high like they are on top of a mountain after that overtime win in Sac Town. Oh wait... they are! As their plane lands in raggedy Denver. 
Dirk Nowitzki spends half the day exploring the Denver Airport examining murals and trying to find the underground tunnels when Officer Smith reminds him to report to the Pepsi Center. Meanwhile, another action junkie gets caught in an Avalanche near Aspen and tumbles right into the Grand Hyatt in downtown Denver where P. Diddy is in a room with an escort named Cinnamon. Peyton Manning is seen sitting at a dive bar by himself and nobody has requested for an autograph in the last seventeen hours (he also held an autograph session outside of Sports Authority Field for children under the age of 23). 
Just a few states away, chaos ensues as three thousand and seventy seven Texans make their way to the strip to take their frustration out on the Sportsbook after the Cowboys loss. They proceed to put their life savings on the Dallas Mavericks, and Treasure Island proceeds to offer free steak at their buffets. Fakooki is now working as a buffet cook, and becomes very agitated at the amount of visitors during the game. He proceeds to shut down early and gets dismissed on the spot. 
Although the Cowboys fans are deeply saddened by the loss, they no longer care as they now have their grandchildren going to college off that Mavericks win. ... [More]

Posted Wednesday, January 14, 2015 05:35 PM


A lot of people are violently hammering the Montreal Canadiens and singing "Ole Ole Ole Ole" as soccer fans perk up to see what is happening in the streets. I guess the Blue Jackets spent their last four days applying coconut butter on themselves to prepare for the barebacking tonight in front of their own fans just the same way they lost the last two games huh?
Brandon Dubinsky forgot it was game day, as he along with one million other Columbians are still wearing Buckeyes gear and violently waving that flag outside of the Arena. Nationwide was not on Peyton's side this past weekend, and they won't be on the Jacket's side tonight as they have already sponsored P.K. Subban if he can score two hattricks tonight (which he does with ease). 
Meanwhile, in Montreal everybody is adding the Habs to their prolines before engaging in the 2015 snowball fight on St. Catherine Street. 8 year old Sylvie gets her scarf stuck on an icicle on a nearby building and sobs miserably (in French) as it was knitted by her grandmother during the last Canadiens Stanley Cup run. The city violently roars as they watch the big screen placed outside of the Bell Centre, as Pierre points yells "Regardez, C'est une joueur de hockey terribles!" as they show Sergei Bobrovsky shaking his head in despair on the bench, but no one cares cause the entire nation is making down payments on new dog sleds following the cash out on the Habs ml 

Take the Jackets ml... [More]

Posted Tuesday, January 13, 2015 08:35 PM


A lot of people are hammering the Dallas Mavericks on that easy cover in Sac Town tonight as Vegas offers that sexy line along with the free buffets today. I guess Sacramento is just going to bend over after beating the Cavaliers, thinking that the season is over huh?

Rajon Rondo makes his way to the arena only to be bothered by 7 year old Hortencia asking for an autograph.

HORTENCIA: OMG MOM!! look, it's Rihanna!!

RONDO: no, I am not Rihanna

HORTENCIA: Oh (sobs violently)

Fans Sacramento have made their way towards the Golden Gate Bridge for reasons that will become known to the public a few hours from now. Vegas has already closed down ten casinos after the hockey game lines they offered today, but will now shut down the remainder as the food supply is getting low across the state. The Nove Italiano restaurantiano has now reached its last resort, and the ground beef in the pasta sauce is now coyote meat. Drais nightclub is now operated by a DJ/Manual lights operator, as he turns on the ghetto blaster and switches the lights ON and OFF at a rapid pace for club dancing effects. Laqueefa trips on her own heels and spills her glass of Jose Cuervo, destroying her Motorola Razr in the process but nobody cares because everyone is violently fist pumping as Disco Dirk hits his 23rd three pointer of the game.  

Posted Tuesday, January 13, 2015 07:15 PM


Bambi texted from Hooters. She mentioned that she is with Kanye West right now and they are sipping on Chardonnay and watching Unsolved Mysteries on the Suite's Tempurpedic 3300, but more importantly, she also made it clear that there is a Pow Wow going on outside of Lake Winnipeg and that they are violently waving their Jets flags as the entire province has taken the Jets moneyline. 
I guess the Panthers are just going to abort mission of their western Canada sweep because they realized  (after a long debate) that Winnipeg is more east than west huh? Roberto Luongo is seen eating at a Boston Pizza just 1 hour before puckdrop unsure of whether he will be in net or not. 
24 YEAR OLD FEMALE SERVER: Would you like another pitcher of Rickards red? LUONGO: No, Rickard's white this time please.
24 YEAR OLD FEMALE SERVER: no problem..all to yourself? 
LUONGO: Do you see anyone else? 
24 YEAR OLD FEMALE SERVER: Oh  sorry...it's just...I thought you had a game  to play soon.
LUONGO: Vegas has agreed to stretch her legs behind her head on the Jets moneyline tonight...so it doesn't matter. 
Meanwhile, Andrew Ladd makes his way to the arena already in uniform and is mistaken for a male flight attendant of a new airline company, but this does not affect his game, as he scores six goals tonight and everybody is lining up to cash in their Jets moneyline tickets.

Panthers moneyline is the play

... [More]

Posted Tuesday, January 13, 2015 06:58 PM


A lot of peopel are violently hammering the Rangers as they come off a California sweep and hold their head high with an Empire State of mind at home tonight. I guess MSG will be rocking and Jay-Z and Alicia Keys will be performing during the first intermission in Nigel Dawes Jerseys as the crowd waves that dirty Rangers flag in the most militant possible matter.
Meanwhile, another monster gets washed up on the coast of Long Island, but unfortunately this one is still alive and uses it's third arm to punch 8 year old Julio on the shores while he is trying to catch a jellyfish. Julio cries and reports to his guardian (step uncle) holding his forehead in excruciating pain. Amityville is now open to tourists, and of course this is a bad idea as antique pianos slide across the room, impeding with guests trying to walk through. 
Meanwhile in Vegas, New York New York is the only hotel still in service,  as every other hotel is going through extensive headboard repair from all of the free escorts being handed out with this easy Rangers moneyline ticket. Tours to the Grand Canyon have donated all profits to the upcoming 2015 Headboard Banging Awareness and Preventative Fundraiser. One of the Senior Journeymen Headboard Technicians steps on a broken piece of a headboard in the hallway of the third floor at the Mirage and sprains his ankle, but nobody cares as everyone is cashing in on the Rangers moneyline while fans sing "GOOOAAAL GOOOAALL GOOOAALL HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY... [More]

Posted Monday, January 12, 2015 06:17 PM


A lot of people are violently riding Tampa Bay as they take on the raggedy Flyers tonight with their third string goalie. I guess Rob Zepp is going to lace up his skates and proudly glide onto the ice at Well Fargos arena tonight only to see that .893 save percentage cut in half by the end of the first period. I guess Stamkos is attaching a red dot scope on the bottom of his Stick and is just going to pick his spot from every corner of the ice like an Advanced Warfare Sniper in the Instinct Map.

J Rock's kids unfortunately scrape their elbows after swinging back and forth on the Liberty Bell, as it starts to crack up in several areas. Fakooki is trying out his goat cheese with goat steak, and Cole Hamels walks buy and purchase a sandwich from him while fidgeting and checking his Android every 36 seconds wondering where he will be playing next season. Craig Berube gets mugged on the way to the game but nobody cares cause everyone is violently cashing in on that sexy Tampa Moneyline.



Flyers ml is the play


Posted Wednesday, January 07, 2015 08:01 PM


Let's put things into perspective:

-Ducks are 4-1 in last five starts versus the Rangers
-Ducks are 14-4-1-2 at home while Rangers are 8-6-1 on the Road
-Ducks were favored -149 hosting the Sharks, -141 hosting the Blues, -155 hosting the Predators, but opened at -140 against the Rangers (??) and have moved as far as a Pick Em in some books

This line did not move 30 points because Bryzgalov is in net!!

Only Explanation:

Ryan Kesler, Corey Perry, and Ryan Getzlaf have been captured by the Evil Witch, and remain in Sleeping Beauty's Castle watching her get railed by the Kingsmen while she is sleeping.

Rangers moneyline tonight boys!

Posted Tuesday, January 06, 2015 03:55 PM

NHL Professional Analysis (Red Wings/Oilers)

Laqueefa is walking down 8 Mile road with Jrock's kids while  carrying a ghetto blaster blaring Obie Trice. All of a sudden there is a violent roar from Warren. I guess unemployment is no longer an issue, as everyone in the state of Michigan is hammering the Detroit Red Wings tonight as they stick it to the raggedy Oilers.

All is not good in Edmonton as the temperatures dip down and residents get frostbitten through their dirty Oilers scarves. 8 year old Darby is in tears after the class bully Conrad steals his toboggan during recess and the sixth grade female lunch monitor watches helplessly and shrugs as she continues to bedazzle her pink Ripzone snowpants.

Meanwhile at Rexall Place Pavel Datsyuk continues to dangle around every Oiler, and gets so bored that he places barely visible land mines all over the ice to challenge himself after scoring eight goals in the first period. An Oiler cheerleader unfortunately steps on one and gets her uniform damaged.

Vegas becomes the new Detroit, as infrastructure is collapsing..Hotels are shutting down, and casinos are becoming infested with rats and cacti. Treasure Island however is still handing out free buffets but chefs and line cooks are only taken on a volunteer basis because Vegas has allocated it's remaining dollars to paying off Red Wings backers.

Kitchen Manager: No Vincent, you will not be compensated for your work. The headboard technicians are no... [More]

Posted Friday, January 02, 2015 05:03 PM

Grizzlies/Lakers Professional Analysis

As I sit next to Bambi from Hooters on the 17th floor of the Grand Hyatt while she is preparing to engage in an exotic dance show for me on the Tempurpedic 3300, it has come to my attention that a lot of people are violently pounding the Memphis Grizzlies in a manner so militant that it makes Sierra Leone rebels look like a Nerf gun club. 
In Vegas, The Mirage resort casino appears to now be exactly what the name suggests....a mirage. The hotel has now been demolished due to inability to sustain infrastructure after the consecutive barebacking in which the sports book has allowed over the Christmas season. The attention has now shifted to the Hilton, where Paris Hilton now works as a hotel clerk/busser for the casino. 
Meanwhile in Tennessee, every trailer park resident raises their unemployment red cups in the air proudly as they watch Zach Randolph tape his sore knee with mummy wrap and extend his arm for an easy dunk, making himself look even more like Dhalsim from Street Fighter. The community of Munford have a formal gathering for the game in which every member is required to bring a yellow stained Grizzlies towel to match their confederate wife beaters. 
Laqueefa is sitting in the car at Mary's Car Wash, while her kids cuss in the backseat over the nintendo DS and Jrock steps out to hand the cashier a ten dollar bill for his services. Fakooki is trying to barbecue goat ribs at the trailer park but for some reason people are not buying this time.&... [More]

Posted Wednesday, December 17, 2014 07:39 PM

Raptors/Nets Professional Analysis

Alot of peeps are violently pounding the Toronto Raptors tonight while Drake dances at the top of the CN Tower. So I guess Vegas is just going to demolish New York New York as a mock simulation of the destruction of the city while the Kyle Lowry continues to drain treys like a dishwasher of a special needs cafeteria on Chocolate Milk Wednesdays en route to a seventy point Raptors win. 
Meanwhile, in Brooklyn kids are looting Brownsville while the Hudson River submerges the yellow Subway line tunnels. "BK to the fullest!" yells little Dasean, as another monster gets washed up further down the island by Montauk (This one looking more like a cross between a raptor with down syndrome and a rhinoceros with softer skin). 
Fakooki moves back to Philly just by coincidence, as he realizes that his Philly Cheese Goat business has done better than his Gyro business in terms of overall revenue. Laqueefa is strolling through Saks on fifth picking out a new bracelet after placing her bet on Toronto. " Dem Canadians and they ice game now takin over da streetz in hoops, they doin us dirrrtyyyy" she yells as she tries on a 24 Karat gold bracelet and Missy Elliot begins to play loudly on the store speakers.
Drake's "Fancy" performance can be heard from the other side of Lake Ontario, but nobody cares because they are violently fist pumping while Tweeting screenshots of their Raptors -12.5 ticket attached to a hashtag saying #WetheNorth, while watching the game on the big scr... [More]

Posted Monday, December 15, 2014 07:27 PM

MNF Professional Analysis

A lot of people are violently hammering the Saints tonight like it's Mardi Gras and topless women will be doing the Harlem Shake all over Bourbon Street today. I guess Jay Cutler is going to tell his O-Line to stay on the sidelines and play survivor as thirty seven bounties are offered to the Saints defense ranging from powerbomb to pedigree bonuses. 

Fakooki prepares ingredients as he is responsible for the deep dish stand at Soldier Field, but to his surprised the Cabrini Green projects have been funded and supplied with the necessities to kidnap him before he gets to the field, therefore he is serving Goat pepperoni pizza to the Hardball team instead. 

Lake Michigan rises and submerges the loop as Oprah is seen struggling in a flotation device while Steve Wilkos attempts to rescue civilians and direct them to the United Center for refuge. 

Meanwhile in Vegas, the free escorts have accommodated guests at the Mirage and complimentary Tiesto tickets are being handed out at check-in while Vegas bends over and allows the world to bet on New Orleans. J-rock's kids continue to piss on the inactive Bellagio fountains, but no one cares because everybody is violently waving their Saints tickets above their heads while Lil Wayne performs at the Dome in a Brees jersey

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