cj380's Blog

Posted Monday, January 26, 2015 06:41 PM

Jazz/Celtics PROFESSIONAL ANALYSIS

A lot of people are putting on their green hats and violently riding the Boston Celtics today as if St. Patrick's Day was pushed two months early just because the Warriors only won by three points last night. I guess the Celtics have found the pot of gold at the end of the desert's rainbow and are ready to put a winning streak together.
In Bean Town, every corporate guido has put on his stone washed khakis and headed out to watch this game. They are waving the big green flag as Evan Turner hits his 7th Half courter by the midway mark for the first quarter. Harvard Freshman Connor McConnor decides to skip his last Business Law class to prepare for the festivities of tonight's game, but it does not go well as he trips over one of the statues on campus and sprains his ankle ."That's retaaaaded!" he exclaims as he makes an obscene gesture at an art student walking by.
Meanwhile in Salt Lake City, they are feeling the aftermath of the barebacking going on in their neighboring state of Nevada. Tumbleweeds roll into the state of Utah carrying debris of headboard remains and aloe vera binded lavender candles and sex toys. 
"What's this daddy?" says 8 year old Joseph
"It's um...it's bad!" answer's his father as he adjusts his suspenders and puts down his REPENT OR PERISH sign. 
Salt Lake overflows and eleven Mormon children have gone missing because they were at church during the only available swimming lesson offerings, but nobody cares because everybody is c... [More]

Posted Wednesday, January 14, 2015 06:18 PM

NBA Professional Analysis (undefeated in the New Year)

A lot of people are violently hammering the Dallas Mavericks as they hold their heads high like they are on top of a mountain after that overtime win in Sac Town. Oh wait... they are! As their plane lands in raggedy Denver. 
Dirk Nowitzki spends half the day exploring the Denver Airport examining murals and trying to find the underground tunnels when Officer Smith reminds him to report to the Pepsi Center. Meanwhile, another action junkie gets caught in an Avalanche near Aspen and tumbles right into the Grand Hyatt in downtown Denver where P. Diddy is in a room with an escort named Cinnamon. Peyton Manning is seen sitting at a dive bar by himself and nobody has requested for an autograph in the last seventeen hours (he also held an autograph session outside of Sports Authority Field for children under the age of 23). 
Just a few states away, chaos ensues as three thousand and seventy seven Texans make their way to the strip to take their frustration out on the Sportsbook after the Cowboys loss. They proceed to put their life savings on the Dallas Mavericks, and Treasure Island proceeds to offer free steak at their buffets. Fakooki is now working as a buffet cook, and becomes very agitated at the amount of visitors during the game. He proceeds to shut down early and gets dismissed on the spot. 
Although the Cowboys fans are deeply saddened by the loss, they no longer care as they now have their grandchildren going to college off that Mavericks win. ... [More]

Posted Wednesday, January 14, 2015 05:35 PM

NHL PROFESSIONAL ANALYSIS

A lot of people are violently hammering the Montreal Canadiens and singing "Ole Ole Ole Ole" as soccer fans perk up to see what is happening in the streets. I guess the Blue Jackets spent their last four days applying coconut butter on themselves to prepare for the barebacking tonight in front of their own fans just the same way they lost the last two games huh?
Brandon Dubinsky forgot it was game day, as he along with one million other Columbians are still wearing Buckeyes gear and violently waving that flag outside of the Arena. Nationwide was not on Peyton's side this past weekend, and they won't be on the Jacket's side tonight as they have already sponsored P.K. Subban if he can score two hattricks tonight (which he does with ease). 
Meanwhile, in Montreal everybody is adding the Habs to their prolines before engaging in the 2015 snowball fight on St. Catherine Street. 8 year old Sylvie gets her scarf stuck on an icicle on a nearby building and sobs miserably (in French) as it was knitted by her grandmother during the last Canadiens Stanley Cup run. The city violently roars as they watch the big screen placed outside of the Bell Centre, as Pierre points yells "Regardez, C'est une joueur de hockey terribles!" as they show Sergei Bobrovsky shaking his head in despair on the bench, but no one cares cause the entire nation is making down payments on new dog sleds following the cash out on the Habs ml 



Take the Jackets ml... [More]

Posted Tuesday, January 13, 2015 08:35 PM

Mavericks/Kings PROFESSIONAL ANALYSIS

A lot of people are hammering the Dallas Mavericks on that easy cover in Sac Town tonight as Vegas offers that sexy line along with the free buffets today. I guess Sacramento is just going to bend over after beating the Cavaliers, thinking that the season is over huh?

Rajon Rondo makes his way to the arena only to be bothered by 7 year old Hortencia asking for an autograph.

HORTENCIA: OMG MOM!! look, it's Rihanna!!

RONDO: no, I am not Rihanna

HORTENCIA: Oh (sobs violently)

Fans Sacramento have made their way towards the Golden Gate Bridge for reasons that will become known to the public a few hours from now. Vegas has already closed down ten casinos after the hockey game lines they offered today, but will now shut down the remainder as the food supply is getting low across the state. The Nove Italiano restaurantiano has now reached its last resort, and the ground beef in the pasta sauce is now coyote meat. Drais nightclub is now operated by a DJ/Manual lights operator, as he turns on the ghetto blaster and switches the lights ON and OFF at a rapid pace for club dancing effects. Laqueefa trips on her own heels and spills her glass of Jose Cuervo, destroying her Motorola Razr in the process but nobody cares because everyone is violently fist pumping as Disco Dirk hits his 23rd three pointer of the game.  


Posted Tuesday, January 13, 2015 07:15 PM

NHL PROFESSIONAL ANALYSIS FLA/WIN

Bambi texted from Hooters. She mentioned that she is with Kanye West right now and they are sipping on Chardonnay and watching Unsolved Mysteries on the Suite's Tempurpedic 3300, but more importantly, she also made it clear that there is a Pow Wow going on outside of Lake Winnipeg and that they are violently waving their Jets flags as the entire province has taken the Jets moneyline. 
I guess the Panthers are just going to abort mission of their western Canada sweep because they realized  (after a long debate) that Winnipeg is more east than west huh? Roberto Luongo is seen eating at a Boston Pizza just 1 hour before puckdrop unsure of whether he will be in net or not. 
24 YEAR OLD FEMALE SERVER: Would you like another pitcher of Rickards red? LUONGO: No, Rickard's white this time please.
24 YEAR OLD FEMALE SERVER: no problem..all to yourself? 
LUONGO: Do you see anyone else? 
24 YEAR OLD FEMALE SERVER: Oh  sorry...it's just...I thought you had a game  to play soon.
LUONGO: Vegas has agreed to stretch her legs behind her head on the Jets moneyline tonight...so it doesn't matter. 
Meanwhile, Andrew Ladd makes his way to the arena already in uniform and is mistaken for a male flight attendant of a new airline company, but this does not affect his game, as he scores six goals tonight and everybody is lining up to cash in their Jets moneyline tickets.


Panthers moneyline is the play


... [More]

Posted Tuesday, January 13, 2015 06:58 PM

NHL PROFESSIONAL ANALYSIS NYI/NYR

A lot of peopel are violently hammering the Rangers as they come off a California sweep and hold their head high with an Empire State of mind at home tonight. I guess MSG will be rocking and Jay-Z and Alicia Keys will be performing during the first intermission in Nigel Dawes Jerseys as the crowd waves that dirty Rangers flag in the most militant possible matter.
Meanwhile, another monster gets washed up on the coast of Long Island, but unfortunately this one is still alive and uses it's third arm to punch 8 year old Julio on the shores while he is trying to catch a jellyfish. Julio cries and reports to his guardian (step uncle) holding his forehead in excruciating pain. Amityville is now open to tourists, and of course this is a bad idea as antique pianos slide across the room, impeding with guests trying to walk through. 
Meanwhile in Vegas, New York New York is the only hotel still in service,  as every other hotel is going through extensive headboard repair from all of the free escorts being handed out with this easy Rangers moneyline ticket. Tours to the Grand Canyon have donated all profits to the upcoming 2015 Headboard Banging Awareness and Preventative Fundraiser. One of the Senior Journeymen Headboard Technicians steps on a broken piece of a headboard in the hallway of the third floor at the Mirage and sprains his ankle, but nobody cares as everyone is cashing in on the Rangers moneyline while fans sing "GOOOAAAL GOOOAALL GOOOAALL HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY... [More]

Posted Monday, January 12, 2015 06:17 PM

NHL PROFESSIONAL Analysis

A lot of people are violently riding Tampa Bay as they take on the raggedy Flyers tonight with their third string goalie. I guess Rob Zepp is going to lace up his skates and proudly glide onto the ice at Well Fargos arena tonight only to see that .893 save percentage cut in half by the end of the first period. I guess Stamkos is attaching a red dot scope on the bottom of his Stick and is just going to pick his spot from every corner of the ice like an Advanced Warfare Sniper in the Instinct Map.

J Rock's kids unfortunately scrape their elbows after swinging back and forth on the Liberty Bell, as it starts to crack up in several areas. Fakooki is trying out his goat cheese with goat steak, and Cole Hamels walks buy and purchase a sandwich from him while fidgeting and checking his Android every 36 seconds wondering where he will be playing next season. Craig Berube gets mugged on the way to the game but nobody cares cause everyone is violently cashing in on that sexy Tampa Moneyline.

 

 

Flyers ml is the play

 



Posted Wednesday, January 07, 2015 08:01 PM

Ducks/Rangers PROFESSIONAL ANALYSIS

Let's put things into perspective:

-Ducks are 4-1 in last five starts versus the Rangers
-Ducks are 14-4-1-2 at home while Rangers are 8-6-1 on the Road
-Ducks were favored -149 hosting the Sharks, -141 hosting the Blues, -155 hosting the Predators, but opened at -140 against the Rangers (??) and have moved as far as a Pick Em in some books

This line did not move 30 points because Bryzgalov is in net!!

Only Explanation:

Ryan Kesler, Corey Perry, and Ryan Getzlaf have been captured by the Evil Witch, and remain in Sleeping Beauty's Castle watching her get railed by the Kingsmen while she is sleeping.

Rangers moneyline tonight boys!



Posted Tuesday, January 06, 2015 03:55 PM

NHL Professional Analysis (Red Wings/Oilers)

Laqueefa is walking down 8 Mile road with Jrock's kids while  carrying a ghetto blaster blaring Obie Trice. All of a sudden there is a violent roar from Warren. I guess unemployment is no longer an issue, as everyone in the state of Michigan is hammering the Detroit Red Wings tonight as they stick it to the raggedy Oilers.

All is not good in Edmonton as the temperatures dip down and residents get frostbitten through their dirty Oilers scarves. 8 year old Darby is in tears after the class bully Conrad steals his toboggan during recess and the sixth grade female lunch monitor watches helplessly and shrugs as she continues to bedazzle her pink Ripzone snowpants.

Meanwhile at Rexall Place Pavel Datsyuk continues to dangle around every Oiler, and gets so bored that he places barely visible land mines all over the ice to challenge himself after scoring eight goals in the first period. An Oiler cheerleader unfortunately steps on one and gets her uniform damaged.

Vegas becomes the new Detroit, as infrastructure is collapsing..Hotels are shutting down, and casinos are becoming infested with rats and cacti. Treasure Island however is still handing out free buffets but chefs and line cooks are only taken on a volunteer basis because Vegas has allocated it's remaining dollars to paying off Red Wings backers.

Kitchen Manager: No Vincent, you will not be compensated for your work. The headboard technicians are no... [More]

Posted Friday, January 02, 2015 05:03 PM

Grizzlies/Lakers Professional Analysis

As I sit next to Bambi from Hooters on the 17th floor of the Grand Hyatt while she is preparing to engage in an exotic dance show for me on the Tempurpedic 3300, it has come to my attention that a lot of people are violently pounding the Memphis Grizzlies in a manner so militant that it makes Sierra Leone rebels look like a Nerf gun club. 
In Vegas, The Mirage resort casino appears to now be exactly what the name suggests....a mirage. The hotel has now been demolished due to inability to sustain infrastructure after the consecutive barebacking in which the sports book has allowed over the Christmas season. The attention has now shifted to the Hilton, where Paris Hilton now works as a hotel clerk/busser for the casino. 
Meanwhile in Tennessee, every trailer park resident raises their unemployment red cups in the air proudly as they watch Zach Randolph tape his sore knee with mummy wrap and extend his arm for an easy dunk, making himself look even more like Dhalsim from Street Fighter. The community of Munford have a formal gathering for the game in which every member is required to bring a yellow stained Grizzlies towel to match their confederate wife beaters. 
Laqueefa is sitting in the car at Mary's Car Wash, while her kids cuss in the backseat over the nintendo DS and Jrock steps out to hand the cashier a ten dollar bill for his services. Fakooki is trying to barbecue goat ribs at the trailer park but for some reason people are not buying this time.&... [More]

Posted Wednesday, December 17, 2014 07:39 PM

Raptors/Nets Professional Analysis

Alot of peeps are violently pounding the Toronto Raptors tonight while Drake dances at the top of the CN Tower. So I guess Vegas is just going to demolish New York New York as a mock simulation of the destruction of the city while the Kyle Lowry continues to drain treys like a dishwasher of a special needs cafeteria on Chocolate Milk Wednesdays en route to a seventy point Raptors win. 
Meanwhile, in Brooklyn kids are looting Brownsville while the Hudson River submerges the yellow Subway line tunnels. "BK to the fullest!" yells little Dasean, as another monster gets washed up further down the island by Montauk (This one looking more like a cross between a raptor with down syndrome and a rhinoceros with softer skin). 
Fakooki moves back to Philly just by coincidence, as he realizes that his Philly Cheese Goat business has done better than his Gyro business in terms of overall revenue. Laqueefa is strolling through Saks on fifth picking out a new bracelet after placing her bet on Toronto. " Dem Canadians and they ice game now takin over da streetz in hoops, they doin us dirrrtyyyy" she yells as she tries on a 24 Karat gold bracelet and Missy Elliot begins to play loudly on the store speakers.
Drake's "Fancy" performance can be heard from the other side of Lake Ontario, but nobody cares because they are violently fist pumping while Tweeting screenshots of their Raptors -12.5 ticket attached to a hashtag saying #WetheNorth, while watching the game on the big scr... [More]

Posted Monday, December 15, 2014 07:27 PM

MNF Professional Analysis

A lot of people are violently hammering the Saints tonight like it's Mardi Gras and topless women will be doing the Harlem Shake all over Bourbon Street today. I guess Jay Cutler is going to tell his O-Line to stay on the sidelines and play survivor as thirty seven bounties are offered to the Saints defense ranging from powerbomb to pedigree bonuses. 

Fakooki prepares ingredients as he is responsible for the deep dish stand at Soldier Field, but to his surprised the Cabrini Green projects have been funded and supplied with the necessities to kidnap him before he gets to the field, therefore he is serving Goat pepperoni pizza to the Hardball team instead. 

Lake Michigan rises and submerges the loop as Oprah is seen struggling in a flotation device while Steve Wilkos attempts to rescue civilians and direct them to the United Center for refuge. 

Meanwhile in Vegas, the free escorts have accommodated guests at the Mirage and complimentary Tiesto tickets are being handed out at check-in while Vegas bends over and allows the world to bet on New Orleans. J-rock's kids continue to piss on the inactive Bellagio fountains, but no one cares because everybody is violently waving their Saints tickets above their heads while Lil Wayne performs at the Dome in a Brees jersey


Posted Wednesday, December 10, 2014 02:34 AM

Red Wings/Maple Leafs PROFESSIONAL ANALYSIS

A lot of peeps are violently hammering the under in in the Wings/Leafs game after the last three meetings saw no more than five goals in each. I guess Joe Louis arena will also be holding a red rover game at center ice of which no player with the puck will be able to break through. Children under the age of 23 are permitted to attend the red rover event through a small donation in a fundraiser attempt to raise awareness on headboard technology, due to the fact that Vegas hotel beds have been dismantling beyond epic proportions from all of the free escort activity being offered on this under bet.

Leafs fans make their way across the border in a militant manner as half of their raggedy Canada flags fall into Lake St.Clair. The population of Detroit is doubled and the lights begin to shut off at the arena while Eminem performs "Lose yourself" at the first intermission. 

Meanwhile Laqueefa sits at Fakooki's Waffle Shack with Sharice as they compare their 5:59 am selfies from sunrise.

Fakooki: ooo thiiz picture very good! 

Laqueefa: Why you keep putting goat meat in dem waffles?

Fakooki: come I takes de picture of both you 2geda.

But no one cares because everyone is violently cashing in on the under and throwing their hands in the air yelling "313!" 



Posted Monday, December 08, 2014 06:14 PM

Blues/Panthers Professional Analysis

A lot of people are violently hammering the St. Louis Blues as they host the raggedy Panthers today. I guess just like the Blues, Vegas will be letting their escorts hit the high notes all night as the free escort vouchers and pamphlets are being handed out like samples of Pumpkin Space Latte at Starbucks during the Fall.

Another Carnival Cruise crashes into a penthouse in the Key West, while Hector gets bitten by a shark again on South Beach. Flo Rida is having a concert nearby only to have a palm tree branch fly his way and shatter his Gucci shades causing him to go blind in the right eye while Pittbull continues to mutter incoherent gibberish in both English and/or Spanish. 

Meanwhile, in St. Louis and surrounding areas, everything has come to a halt including the Ferguson riots. Everyone has stopped what they are doing and St. Mary's Parrish choir members are violently waving their recorders in the air and singing "Oh when the saints come marching in" knowing that their ticket is safe as David Backes scores his fourth goal of the game and Jay Bouwmeester is shining laser pointers at Roberto Luongo from the upper bowl.

Officer Smith: Mr. Bouwmeester, please refrain from using unpermitted devices at the arena or we will have to ask you to leave.

J-Bo: But I bet on my team today

Officer Smith: So did I, and I do like free escorts. Carry on sir.

 

Laqueefa takes a stroll throug... [More]

Posted Wednesday, November 12, 2014 07:48 PM

Leafs/Bruins PROPHECY

A lot of people are hammering the Bruins to the point that violence would be a description of understatement. 

I got a text from Cinnamon from Hooters.. She is on the Tempurpedic 3300 in some Trump Tower Suite and she says that she envisions the infrastructure on the Vegas Strip collapsing into the rain tunnels from all of the lack of maintenance due to insufficient funds. 

She also mentioned in a phone call that somewhere at a Legal Seafood's Restaurant in Boston, the owner has put his entire business on today's Bruins moneyline. She didn't tell me which particular one it was. she also said it to me in a Boston accent, I don't know why. 

Apparently she was also skyping with Bambi from Gallagher's 2000 and she mentioned her vision that the CN Tower had collapsed into Lake Ontario causing a waters to rise and submerge the Air Canada Center with the exception of the Bruins bench and the Leafs net. 

She also sent me four snapchat selfies with inappropriate captions, and put three of them up on instagram with fourteen hashtags each, but that's none of your business really.  


Posted Sunday, November 02, 2014 05:46 PM

Ducks/Avalanche PROFESSIONAL Analysis

A lot of people are violently hammering the Anaheim Ducks as Disneyland hands out free Mickey Mouse cupcakes to children under the age of 19. Vegas is clearly offering a -115 line while making it mandatory for every escort to apply an excessive amount of Aloe Vera on themselves before lining up single file at the reception of the MGM to greet and accompany guests to their suites. They have also been instructed to hand out free reacharound brochures to everyone.

Back in Orange County, every child is enjoying their Little Mermaid lollipops, until Julio chokes and is rushed to emergency. This is the second time this week he has visited a hospital, as he was bit by a shark in the Bay area on Wednesday. Thumbelina is seen looking curiously (back and forth uncomfortably) in every direction before running off with Julio's father into a Peter Pan photo booth. She too was hired by Vegas officials after they examined the assets on her resume very carefully and saw "extremely skilled at ankle grabbing" as one of her highlighted traits.

Meanwhile in Denver, Bambi from Hooters is accompanying Kanye West at a Grand Hyatt in downtown while an avalanche rips through the city and buries them in the snow. They both brush themselves off angrily and head to Colorado Springs on a greyhound to continue their session (Bambi still has a ski pole stuck in her but has no idea). Laqueefa leaves her kids with Jrock as it is girls night out at the Pepsi Center. "Man who dat white boy be... [More]

Posted Tuesday, October 28, 2014 05:05 PM

Blues/Stars PROFESSIONAL Analysis

A lot of people woke up this morning with a natural instinct to check for easy Vegas handouts, and saw the Blues/Stars total set at 5. They violently took out bank loans and booked immediate trips to stay at the MGM to hammer the over, and of course take advantage of the free buffets. 
Phandi Haquoon, who is the buffet head chef, is now scrambling to hire cooks and is willing to lower his qualification standards for applicants. The first person who walks into the interview session is a young teenage male by the name of Lamont Johnson. 
Phandi: Mr. Johnson, do you have a criminal record?
Lamont: uhhh.
Phandi: Do you have any experience in culinary?
Lamont: uhhh
Phandi: Sir, what are your qualifications?
Lamont: bandz to make her dance
Phandi: Are you able to start at 4:30 pm today?

Meanwhile, architecture is collapsing all around the strip as the books have spent most of the city's profits paying off tourists on this over. The fountains at Bellagio remain inactive as the signs continue to read "out of order". The swordfish in Mandalay Bay has gone unfed for four days and is now penetrating the glass of the aquarium, causing 8 year old Julio to cry.
Back in Dallas however everyone is violently waving their Cowboy hats and burning their Romo jerseys as they see the score read 7-7 after two periods. Children are impersonating Tyler Seguin and taking slapshots from Fort Worth and somehow the pucks find their way into the arena and p... [More]

Posted Monday, October 27, 2014 06:44 PM

Canadiens/Oilers PROFESSIONAL Analysis

A lot of people are hammering that sexy -125 Canadiens line in a manner so militant that it makes the war against ISIS look like a Laser Quest match. I guess Vegas will be handing out free escorts and buffets on this one.
Service Representative: Thank you for calling Herber's Headboard Repair Services, How may I help you?
Mirage Hotel Clerk: Um yes, hi...I would like to hire thirty seven headboard technicians to help rebuild our king, queen, and double bed headboards after all of the barebacking that will be going on tonight with the free escorts being handed out with the Montreal Canadiens moneyline. Is this something you are able to help with?
Service Representative: Absolutely sir. You will be glad to know that all of our journeymen employees have successfully completed their qualifications EHBc (Excessive Headboard Banging Certification), and will be more than glad to assist you. 
Mirage Hotel Clerk: Excellent.
Meanwhile in Edmonton, another snowstorm rolls through the Muttart Conservatory in which a tourists is shocked realizing that the destination he meant to visit were the Pyramids of Giza. Another eight year old kid named Dale attempts to skate on the North Saskatchewan River only to end up falling through and being dragged down because his Taylor Hall jersey got tangled in weeds. 
In Montreal, it is a different scene as civilians are enjoying the skate down the St. Lawrence river while violently fist pumping and waving their BMO scarves a... [More]

Posted Sunday, October 26, 2014 06:49 PM

Ducks/Sharks PROFESSIONAL Analysis

A lot of people are pounding the Anaheim Ducks and waving that Orange County flag as the raggedy Sharks are coming off a loss at home to the worst team in hockey. I guess Vegas will be once again be replacing top notch hotels with foot reflexology centers as they continue to grab their ankles on this one.

Julio gets bitten by a Shark for the second time in as many weeks while playing by Fort Mason again, while Alcatraz tour boats try to attend to him. This time, he is not so fortunate as he actually loses three fingers. A volcano erupts at Mount Shasta causing Sharks fans to flee to Lake Tahoe in their mopeds.

Meanwhile in Disneyland, every ride is decorated with Ducks logos as Jrock's kids roar violently while on the Matterhorn Bobsled. Laqueefa, who is their guardian for the day, is spotted on the side of the ride trying to perfect a selfie with her new grills and Mickey Mouse in a Ducks Jersey in the backdrop. Sleeping Beauty is seen sobbing my Space Mountain after finding out that her father indeed fornicated with her while she was in her deep sleep. She is then comforted when looking up at a nearby screen and seeing that Corey Perry has scored two hat tricks in the first period. Another child gets his dinosaur slippers tangled on the train tracks, but nobody cares as his parents are making duckfaces in photobooths flaunting their Ducks moneyline tickets.



Posted Saturday, October 18, 2014 04:53 PM

Avs/Habs PROFESSIONAL ANALYSIS

A lot of peeps are violently pounding the Montreal Canadiens today from their pond hockey rinks as they are still two stepping and singing "Au Claire De la Lune" (on skates) after defeating the big bad Bruins . I guess snowmen will ornament the shores of the St. Lawrence river as the Habs continue to take slapshots at Patrick Roys head while securing their 8 goal lead on those Raggedy Avalanche huh?

Meanwhile in Colorado, another avalanche rolls through Aurora and into downtown Denver where a skier finds himself crashing into the Hyatt that Bambi is staying at while in a suite with Peyton Manning snap chatting selfies of the two of them. A boulder rolls through Boulder, Colorado injuring fourteen cavemen and destroying Fakooki's newly renovated reindeer gyro stand. Nobody cares though because ever stranger male is violently throwing snowballs at every person in a Roy jersey in Montreal after the Habs dominate once again huh.



Posted Friday, October 17, 2014 05:17 PM

NHL Analysis

If the pied piper serenades enough blind children into the thick of the woods, he is bound to get paid what he is due at some point.

 

Pathers/Sabres OVER 5 -130



Posted Thursday, October 09, 2014 05:45 PM

Arizona/Winnipeg Professional Analysis

A lot people are militantly hammering the Arizona Coyotes. Did I just read that right? I guess those raggedy Jets are going to mirror the New York Jets and violently wave that Jets flag while getting pricked by multiple cacti upon entering Glendale tonight huh? Ok guy.
Winnipeg players exit the aircraft in their eskimo suits and immediately suffer from heat strokes as the Arizona sun pounds intensely down on their Lynx fur coats and sweat starts to form and triangulate near the lower back regions of their wool undershirts. 
Meanwhile back home in Winnipeg, residents are seen fleeing from their teepees and jumping into Lake Winnipeg causing tidal waves across canola farm fields and drowning  216,734 gophers (unofficial death toll). The scene is the complete opposite in the Phoenix area, as hot cheerleaders begin stripping after every Martin Hanzal wrist shot (which turn out to be 5 for 5) in front of the 37 Coyotes fans in attendance. 
Vegas has sent every high quality escort to participate in the Headboard Banging Fundraiser at the Bellagio, while nobody donates more than $2 to the cause. The buffets continue to be free for the second night in a row at every hotel, as tourists are seen sneaking cheesecake slices into their bags and purses. 
"Miss Laqueefa Johnson, can you please return those desserts to the counter or we will have to remove your booking accommodation with Treasure Island and relocate you to somewhere on Fremont street!"  c... [More]

Posted Wednesday, October 08, 2014 06:31 PM

Sharks/Kings Professional Analysis

A lot people are violently pounding the Los Angeles Kings like headboards at the Mirage on free escort and reach around appreciation night. I guess everyone from Miley Cyrus to Robert Downey Junior are violently waving those championship towels at the Staple Center while the banner is being raised in the rafters.

Irv Gotti himself takes a business class flight into Los Angeles to embrace the opportunity to wave his personal Irv Gotti limited edition towel for the Kings as well. George Lopez is spotted behind the Sharks bench also cheering until he is mistaken by a confused Kings fan as Head Coach Todd McLellan of the San Jose Sharks (which he very  quickly denies).  Every club in Beverly Hills has the game on TV and disco balls shatter from the violent roar as Anze Kopitar scores a hattrick in the season opener off a dump and chase which ricochets through Antii Niemi's five hole, while the scoreboard reads 7-0 Kings after the first period.

In the Bay area, little Hector gets bitten by a shark while building a sand castle on the Fort Mason park coast after being told repeatedly to stay at least 47 feet away from the water. He is now being isolated in treatment on Alcatraz for precautionary reasons. Sharks fans are seen jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, while Officer Smith is spotted on duty making sure that suicide committing patrons are doing so in a single file manner to avoid disorganization and traffic distraction.

George Lopez stan... [More]

Posted Tuesday, September 16, 2014 06:49 PM

Professional Analysis for Tuesday Night

A lot of people are pounding the Angels because Vegas has decided that the best team in the league is only worth -130 against the raggedy Mariners and their number five pitcher.

I guess Vegas officials are going to helplessly sit by the Bellagio fountains (which are out of order), and watch Laqueefa and Sharice obnoxiously barge their way through the line at the Hyde Lounge to tell the bouncer that they are on the VIP list for Brenda's stag. Upon entry, they immediately help themselves to one of the Texas Mickeys of Grey Goose. Brenda is having another baby but who cares? The three of them have a drunken and mildly heated conversation comparing the new grills that they just bought.

Sharice gets a little defensive and hostile when told that she has the mannerisms of Chamillionaire when wearing her grills.

"girl, you the one that be lookin like Lil Jon with dem Motherf-" she exclaims (with her voice being raised in an accelerated manner) but is cut off by a bouncer telling her to lower her voice and act in a more civil manner.

Meanwhile in Seattle, the Space Needle loses a few screws and falls and tumbles into the Puget Sound causing a few Piers to be evacuated. At the Pike Place, Marshawn Lynch is spotted engaging in some very unusual ritual involving a bag of skittles, a dead salmon, and four industrial sized bottles of Aloe Vera lotion. Nobody questions him, as they are more concerned about why the Mariners are down 25 runs in t... [More]

Posted Thursday, September 11, 2014 04:26 PM

MLB Professional Analysis for tonight

Alot of people are hammering the Kansas City Royals in a manner so militant that the Fist Pumping Violence Quality Control Department has been summoned to every sportsbook in Las Vegas.

"Please lower your fists and your voices or we will have to ask you to leave the premises!" Exclaims Officer Smith as he simultaneously works to calm the crowd while attempting to detain another 35 year old that rode his moped right into the Mirage Resort Casino.

Meanwhile in Kansas City, the tailgating barbecues are in full effect as Dale loads another rack of baby back ribs onto the grill and you can see the sweat forming and triangulating near the lower back regions of the white confederate wife beater that he is wearing. Unfortunately his barbecue is knocked over by a Billy Butler homerun which comes flying into the parking lot at a velocity higher than his weight (in lbs).

In Boston, chaos ensues as every bean factory becomes infected with an unknown disease. Harvard Campus witnesses a strike for law professors, and every student is violently rioting in their dorms as textbooks and trombones are only two of the several objects that can be identified as flying debris.

Vegas loses another 6 billion from these playoff driven Royals, but nobody cares because everyone is aggressively waving that Royal flag as if Kate and William made an emergency landing at McCarran International Airport.

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