TORONTO—The Raptors medical staff announced Tuesday that Chris Bosh will miss the rest of the season after the inquisitive forward cut open his knee with a steak knife in an effort to look inside and see how the joint works. "There's a lot more stuff in there than I thought," said Bosh, who after finishing the surgery attempted to stop the bleeding by wrapping an entire roll of toilet paper around his knee. "It probably needs all those meaty-looking ropes so it can bend. And look in this pickle jar—I kind of had to use some pressure to get it started turning, but I had no idea that I could unscrew my kneecap. Pretty cool, huh?" While recovering from the significant ligament and cartilage damage, Bosh said he plans to undergo a procedure to detect early signs of colorectal cancer by shoving a digital camera up his ass.

CHARLOTTE, NC—In an effort to avoid physical exertion, strenuous activity, and standing up, slothful free agent Hollis Thomas told several NFL general managers Friday that he would prefer to try out for their teams over the phone. "I'd really like to go, but I just can't justify waking up super early and packing a bag and catching a flight and stuff," said the defensive tackle, promising during the call to leave everything on the field. "Anyway, you just need to know that I go up the middle pretty hard. And I do some tackling. You can probably find my 40 time if you look around online. If not, I just did a yard in a second or something, so you can just multiply that by 40, I guess." Thomas also said he was willing to perform medical examinations on himself, although as far as he could tell from his couch, everything "seemed fine."