A lot of people are hammering the Bruins to the point that violence would be a description of understatement.
I got a text from Cinnamon from Hooters.. She is on the Tempurpedic 3300 in some Trump Tower Suite and she says that she envisions the infrastructure on the Vegas Strip collapsing into the rain tunnels from all of the lack of maintenance due to insufficient funds.
She also mentioned in a phone call that somewhere at a Legal Seafood's Restaurant in Boston, the owner has put his entire business on today's Bruins moneyline. She didn't tell me which particular one it was. she also said it to me in a Boston accent, I don't know why.
Apparently she was also skyping with Bambi from Gallagher's 2000 and she mentioned her vision that the CN Tower had collapsed into Lake Ontario causing a waters to rise and submerge the Air Canada Center with the exception of the Bruins bench and the Leafs net.
She also sent me four snapchat selfies with inappropriate captions, and put three of them up on instagram with fourteen hashtags each, but that's none of your business really.
A lot of people are violently hammering the Anaheim Ducks as Disneyland hands out free Mickey Mouse cupcakes to children under the age of 19. Vegas is clearly offering a -115 line while making it mandatory for every escort to apply an excessive amount of Aloe Vera on themselves before lining up single file at the reception of the MGM to greet and accompany guests to their suites. They have also been instructed to hand out free reacharound brochures to everyone.
Back in Orange County, every child is enjoying their Little Mermaid lollipops, until Julio chokes and is rushed to emergency. This is the second time this week he has visited a hospital, as he was bit by a shark in the Bay area on Wednesday. Thumbelina is seen looking curiously (back and forth uncomfortably) in every direction before running off with Julio's father into a Peter Pan photo booth. She too was hired by Vegas officials after they examined the assets on her resume very carefully and saw "extremely skilled at ankle grabbing" as one of her highlighted traits.
Meanwhile in Denver, Bambi from Hooters is accompanying Kanye West at a Grand Hyatt in downtown while an avalanche rips through the city and buries them in the snow. They both brush themselves off angrily and head to Colorado Springs on a greyhound to continue their session (Bambi still has a ski pole stuck in her but has no idea). Laqueefa leaves her kids with Jrock as it is girls night out at the Pepsi Center. "Man who dat white boy be swinging that stick like its some fencing match up in this ice game?" she yells as Corey Perry scores his third hat trick of the period. Everyone stares at her in puzzlement in section 126, but she don't care because she is violently twerking in the stands while flashing her Ducks moneyline ticket.
A lot of people woke up this morning with a natural instinct to check for easy Vegas handouts, and saw the Blues/Stars total set at 5. They violently took out bank loans and booked immediate trips to stay at the MGM to hammer the over, and of course take advantage of the free buffets.
Phandi Haquoon, who is the buffet head chef, is now scrambling to hire cooks and is willing to lower his qualification standards for applicants. The first person who walks into the interview session is a young teenage male by the name of Lamont Johnson.
Phandi: Mr. Johnson, do you have a criminal record?
Phandi: Do you have any experience in culinary?
Phandi: Sir, what are your qualifications?
Lamont: bandz to make her dance
Phandi: Are you able to start at 4:30 pm today?
Meanwhile, architecture is collapsing all around the strip as the books have spent most of the city's profits paying off tourists on this over. The fountains at Bellagio remain inactive as the signs continue to read "out of order". The swordfish in Mandalay Bay has gone unfed for four days and is now penetrating the glass of the aquarium, causing 8 year old Julio to cry.
Back in Dallas however everyone is violently waving their Cowboy hats and burning their Romo jerseys as they see the score read 7-7 after two periods. Children are impersonating Tyler Seguin and taking slapshots from Fort Worth and somehow the pucks find their way into the arena and past Bryan Elliot, but unfortunately that does not count on the scoreboard..however, nobody cares because the headboards are banging and vegas is once again bending over on another NHL bet.
A lot of people are hammering that sexy -125 Canadiens line in a manner so militant that it makes the war against ISIS look like a Laser Quest match. I guess Vegas will be handing out free escorts and buffets on this one.
Service Representative: Thank you for calling Herber's Headboard Repair Services, How may I help you?
Mirage Hotel Clerk: Um yes, hi...I would like to hire thirty seven headboard technicians to help rebuild our king, queen, and double bed headboards after all of the barebacking that will be going on tonight with the free escorts being handed out with the Montreal Canadiens moneyline. Is this something you are able to help with?
Service Representative: Absolutely sir. You will be glad to know that all of our journeymen employees have successfully completed their qualifications EHBc (Excessive Headboard Banging Certification), and will be more than glad to assist you.
Mirage Hotel Clerk: Excellent.
Meanwhile in Edmonton, another snowstorm rolls through the Muttart Conservatory in which a tourists is shocked realizing that the destination he meant to visit were the Pyramids of Giza. Another eight year old kid named Dale attempts to skate on the North Saskatchewan River only to end up falling through and being dragged down because his Taylor Hall jersey got tangled in weeds.
In Montreal, it is a different scene as civilians are enjoying the skate down the St. Lawrence river while violently fist pumping and waving their BMO scarves above their heads after hearing that Montreal has scored their tenth goal of the period. Fakooki tries to set up an ice fishing tent on the river in an attempt to sell cod Gyros mixed with goat meat sent over from his cousin in Bangladesh. Laqueefa and Bombqueesha are enjoying their vacation skating in Montreal. Their skates are decorated with graffiti, which catches the attention of a lot of locals. Antoine points at Laqueefa's left skate where it reads "thug life" and he and his friend Guilllame both look at each other and shrug..
"Je ne sais pas" says Guillame, but nobody cares because everyone is cashing in on that easy Habs moneyline and crepes are on the house tonight.
A lot of people are pounding the Anaheim Ducks and waving that Orange County flag as the raggedy Sharks are coming off a loss at home to the worst team in hockey. I guess Vegas will be once again be replacing top notch hotels with foot reflexology centers as they continue to grab their ankles on this one.
Julio gets bitten by a Shark for the second time in as many weeks while playing by Fort Mason again, while Alcatraz tour boats try to attend to him. This time, he is not so fortunate as he actually loses three fingers. A volcano erupts at Mount Shasta causing Sharks fans to flee to Lake Tahoe in their mopeds.
Meanwhile in Disneyland, every ride is decorated with Ducks logos as Jrock's kids roar violently while on the Matterhorn Bobsled. Laqueefa, who is their guardian for the day, is spotted on the side of the ride trying to perfect a selfie with her new grills and Mickey Mouse in a Ducks Jersey in the backdrop. Sleeping Beauty is seen sobbing my Space Mountain after finding out that her father indeed fornicated with her while she was in her deep sleep. She is then comforted when looking up at a nearby screen and seeing that Corey Perry has scored two hat tricks in the first period. Another child gets his dinosaur slippers tangled on the train tracks, but nobody cares as his parents are making duckfaces in photobooths flaunting their Ducks moneyline tickets.