Posted Thursday, December 31, 2015 05:56 PM
Posted Wednesday, December 02, 2015 05:37 PM
It is the eve of 2016 in Las Vegas. Everyone is waving their Eiffel Tower daiquiris. The eyes of children are lit up with excitement as Lopita, an intern Cirque du Soleil dancer from El Paso, does cartwheels on a beam with precision while fireworks of various colors erupt behind the stage. The youthful glow on her face reflects on the streams of the nearby fountains (which do not belong to the Bellagio, as they are still inactive), and a mother giggles with joy as many beautiful colors emerge and the countdown draws near. "Isn't this beautiful?" says a 46 year old father breathtakingly, who is staring into the distance as three female strippers prance about gracefully along the boulevard with nothing but Ed Hardy thongs on.
Meanwhile at the Staine residence at the trailer park, Cheyenne has taken out the guitar and attempted a Miranda Lambert song that she has been practicing for seventy eight days. Unfortunately she did not take singing lessons, and this results in her sounding like a dying raccoon that just got it's leg crushed by a mud truck. BJ is disgusted by his wife's singing, and heads over to his other stepsister's trailer just two minutes before 2016 unfolds.
Fakooki sits at his gyro stand all night. needless to say, no one stops by for the countdown.
Hector and his family are kicking off the New Year with a pinata. Hector's cousin Julio takes a swing with the bat, and somehow Hector coincidentally ducks just in time for Julio to miss his head and break open the pinata. However, an iguana comes out of the pinata and bites Hector in the forehead.
" Ohh nooo mi Hectorino! " yells his mother "De New Year wasth suppoth to bring usth good luck!"
Ciaopang and his seventeen siblings are at home studying algebra and eating lynx dumplings as the countdown draws near. Ciaopang proceeds to turn on the television only to be poked in the eye by mommy Pang Pang and reminded that Chinese New Year is still over a month away.
Meanwhile in Houston, everybody is under the idea that the Golden State Warriors will be grabbing their ankles in a more determined manner than the escorts in Vegas tonight. James Harden hits so many three pointers that rockets begin to involuntarily launch in an uncontrolled manner at the undetermined launch pads just west of the Houston area, and the NASA headquarters are in panic mode. Laqueefa is spotted at a Houston nightclub with J-rock after the game, ready to celebrate the New Year. Both are smiling with anticipation of spending 2016 together after patching up some rough bumps in their relationship. They stare into each other's eyes with passion and their emotions are mutually genuine. 5....4...3...2...1... J-Rock closes his eyes and proceeds his head toward's Laqueefa's face...0... but he gets nothing but a mouthful of magenta Donna Bella hair extensions. J-Rock opens his eyes immediately, and sees Steph Curry adjusting his knee brace under his Canali dress pants as he leans in for the midnight kiss with the robust 34 year old African American beauty.
Warriors +2.5 good luck and Happy New Years!
Posted Tuesday, December 01, 2015 05:56 PM
My name as you all know is Fakooki, and I can honestly say life has been much easier ever since moving to New York. When me and Phandi Haquoon had a falling out, I took the time to learn English. Right now, I am very fluent in it. Two months ago, I hardly knew twenty English words. However, ever since I have been able to excogigate the equanimity of my personal nature, I have become unencumbered from the obstacles of my limited vocabulary and therefore have been able to fulfill my thirst for knowledge. I have been able to mold my communication in a perspicacious manner, and this has allowed me to transform into a sesquipedalian who is magnanimous, rumunerative, and superabundant to opportunities as opposed to my saxicolous previous self.
I sit outside of Barclays Center today in my infamous goat fusion cuisine stand, and a customer reports that he found goat hair in his Chipotle Ground Goat over lettuce mega burrito. I kindly offer him a homemade goat infused baklava (which costs 37 cents on the menu) as a generous compensation, and he responds very rudely. I do not take to this kindly, and immediately start to cuss him out.
"Why you talk me dis way?! you go away and no come back to me you hear! Me no like what you try do!" I yell in frustration.
Nonetheless, I continue to save money by not hiring a goat hair removal specialist. It only cuts into my profits.
Islanders moneyline -135 GL guys
Posted Monday, November 30, 2015 06:34 PM
It is now the aftermath of the tornado, and the Staine family is still in shock. As they gather their documents for insurance purposes, they now discover that their Trailer Premium protection Plan does not cover damages to trailers over 18 feet.
BJ Staine: What kind of mumbo jumbo crap is this?
Insurance Agent: Sir, I can make a deal with you. We can cover 18 feet of damages, and this means that the remaining 5 feet of your trailer will have to be handled under your own account.
In doing so, Darby and Dolan Staine lose their bunk beds temporarily and will be staying in a newly purchased Coleman tent just a few yards away from the newly reduced sized trailer. During their dinner that evening, Dolan complains that too many mosquitoes linger around the tent. BJ immediately dismisses his sons complaint and loads another spoonful of mayonnaise onto his country baked squirrel pie.
Shortly after dinner, the Grizzlies game starts, and BJ remembers the good times they had when they used to reside in Munford, Tennessee. The Staine family turned on their 23 inch Zenith TV, and Darby's classmate Hector asks to join them in watching the game. The Staines reluctantly agree despite their family differences in political views. Hector shows up in an Anthony Davis player T-shirt, and BJ is absolutely furious. He begins by kindly requesting Hector to dispose of the shirt, and then proceeds to aggressively cut off Hector's unibrow with an old rusty blood stained Venus razor from Cheyenne's drawer. He feels bad, and offers Hector a medium sized dark green wife beater that was supposed to be passed on to Darby when he turned 15. Hector notices that the shirt is still dripping with sweat and that the body odor smells awful, but wears it anyway. All of a sudden, he is bitten near his the right eye by a dragonfly. Hector's face becomes very swollen and grows larger than the bulge seen near BJ's Levi jeans groin region when seeing his wife Cheyenne wearing a charcoal stained Van Halen tank top.
"Ohhhh no mi Hectorino!!!" yells Hector's mom and she comes to pick him up. "Dis isth de reason dat we liev Mehico, so thaat we don have to sthee all d insthects!"
BJ shrugs and offers insect repellent and then proceeds to watch the Grizzlies miss another free throw. Then he gets a snapchat from Laqueefa with Gold Grills on and captioned "Go Pelicans!"
Pelicans -1 GL
Posted Thursday, November 12, 2015 05:12 PM
As you all know, Laqueefa's first heartbreak came when she was a teenager residing in the Midwest. You may also remember that it came just outside a Missouri Trailer Park by the hands of BJ Staine, who essentially dumped her for his snaggletooth stepsister Cheyenne.
It has been over twenty years since, and the Staines have moved to Oklahoma. While all seemed to be buried in the past, karma always seems to come back full circle. On the evening of a Thunder game, the Tulikeo Trailer Park arranged for a gathering. BJ, Cheyenne, and their two sons Darby and Dolan were responsible for bringing a plate of food to the community barbecue. Since their neighbour Dale offered to bring the Coors Light, and another family decided to bring the cornbread, the Staine family was responsible for the 8 ounce charbroiled raccoon chops. Cheyenne had attended culinary school for an entire 15 days, and had very quickly become the go to cook at the trailer park for such festivities.
It was a hot and beautiful afternoon. BJ was rubbing away at a yellow stain on his confederate wife beater. Cheyenne was loading her lower lip with Copenhagen (long cut) while firing up the George Foreman Grill. Darby, who turns 126 months old in two days, was attempting to spit watermelon seeds into the trailer's toilet bowl (he finished 9 for 86 from 2 feet away). Dolan was going through his mud truck card collection, and realized that he was missing one card. All of a sudden, the clouds started becoming grey and an F4 tornado was on its way towards the residential area. Everyone, including the Staines, immediately headed for the tornado shelter. Somehow, the tornado only nudged a corner of the trailer park...and guess who's customized 2014 Palomino Banshee was the only thing that got destroyed. BJ lost his trailer faster than his father did shortly after his second divorce...and if you thought Dolan was upset about missing one card, well now his entire Mud Truck collection has entered a funnel cloud heading towards a lake.
Meanwhile Laqueefa sits a Phillips Arena cheering on the Atlanta Hawks as they continue to drain treys faster than a mentally challenged dishwasher at a soup eating competition. T.I. comes on the speakers, and Laqueefa is thrilled and immediately requests a shot of patron.
Atlanta Hawks +3
After a few months of absence, Laqueefa has finally been released from hospital. For those who are unaware, the 5' 8 robust female who was born in Birmingham, Alabama, underwent a stressful fifty seven days shortly after her return from Africa. To make a long story short, it was a warm sunny day and the 34 year old was watering her favorite bed of Hydrangeas just a few moments after returning from Bloomingdales. She tried on her new Via Spiga Tiara snakeskin collection High Heel sandals (She really wanted the Via Spiga Beline Suede Over the Knee 2015 Mid Heel Boots, but they were a lot harder to steal and her ex coworker Daquarius was not in charge of security that day). Nonetheless, the sandals went very well with her Phatfarm denim overalls. She also had new pink braids installed into her scalp, so it was a perfect day for a selfie with her pink flowers. As she was taking a selfie, she realized that a daddy long leg spider had crawled onto the lower braid near her right cheek. She immediately jumped around screaming and shouting, and then grabbed her broom swatting at her face, looking like an ADHD diagnosed girl from a Roald Dahl novel. She ran onto the road while Jrock was reversing on the driveway, and was struck by the 2003 Dark Blue Ford Focus. She sustained minor injuries( fractured forearm, bruised left nipple, denting of the upper left bicuspid region of her gold grills) , but experienced trauma following the incident..and was held in hospital for nearly two months for precautionary reasons. Her release date was scheduled to be October 31st, but Laqueefa realized that she had not purchased a Halloween costume, and therefore requested to remain in hospital for another two weeks.
Her new date of release was supposed to be November 14th. However, on November 11th, she was invited to the main hospital lounge for a movie marathon where the group was watching Saving Private Ryan. The next movie following that was Blackhawk Down, and then Enemy at the Gate.
Midway through the movies....
"da Hell is dis cyborg storm trooper Duke Nukem bullsheeet?" Laqueefa suddenly shouts, breaking the silence and causing everyone to stare at her in the hospital lounge.
"Ms Johnson, it is rude to interrupt while the movie is on. It is Veterans Day, and we are doing this in tribute of all of the soldiers who fought for our freedom in the past" says a Senior Registered Nurse solemnly.
"I don't give a rats you kno whatt about no Alien Vs Predator soldier of fortune freedom writer crap. A billion people done die every year in the city of California and nobody be talkin about no war movie marathon for dem. Where da Caddyshack at?" Laqueefa replies in frustration.
The room stares in silence and disbelief..
"Is y'all hard on hearing? if y'all dont take this saving Ryan Carter DVD out da player and get some Caddyshack up in this joint, ima walk outta here an y'all gon regret it" Laqueefa continues.
No actions are taken, and Laqueefa leaves the facility for good. However, she did take a selfie to let everyone know that she is doing just fine right now.
Hurricanes moneyline +100