It's been awhile, so I will give out a free play. More importantly, I am sure all of you are wondering how Laqueefa is doing lately..so consider this a 2 for 1. You will get a free play, AND an update on Laqueefa's life.
It was a beautiful summer day in Northern California, and Laqueefa decided it was time to take J Rock's two sons for a vacation...after all, they had been stuck in summer school all July trying to catch up for next semester (Teacher Mrs. Brecktorfield had recently mentioned that both of their grades in Mathematics last year were described to be "unacceptable" and "below satisfactory achievements). After spending all of July being tutored by their schoolmate Ciaopang in elementary Algebra, the two kids felt that they had received enough assistance. They concluded their last session by releasing all of Ciaopang's Pokemon (6 of them rare) and stealing his calculator upon leaving the Paki Pang tuition residence.
While driving to Lake Tahoe for a family vacation, the trio experienced a sandstorm. Laqueefa had just wound down her window of the 1999 Red Chevy Cavalier, and ended up getting a mouthful of sand and her magenta braids became littered with grains of sand as well. Luckily however, nobody was harmed and it was so minor that the sandstrom wasn't even officially recorded (The last time a sandstorm occurred without anyone's knowing was at a 2004 Darude concert).
When they arrived at the lake, Jrock's oldest son began skipping rocks into the water. The three of them walked to their cabin which was next to a family from Belgium, who were roasting oyster infused waffles at a bonfire. They turned and stared a Laqueefa who had her braids all tangled up and full of sand, making her look like Medusa after large doses of Angel Dust. "Da fuq u lookin at?" shes says sternly, as the Belgians turn away and start muttering in French about how the oysters and waffles were not such a brilliant idea after all. Meanwhile, Jrock's kids continue to skip rocks into the water, and end up skipping one of the Belgian kid's nintendo DS into the lake as well. It ends up inducing the most skips, and reaches the middle of the lake where 10 year Hector is sitting on a tube, striking him in the left temple. He falls into the water panicking as the life guards continue to play angry birds on their phones. "Oooooo mi Hectorino!!!" yells his mother, "Dith ith why I tell u take swthimming lessthons Hectorino!"
"Is there a problem?" asks one of the life guards with genuine concern.
"Mi Hectorino is drowning!"
"Oh", he answers as he looks back at his phone realizing that he just failed level 3 for the eleventh time.
Meanwhile, Laqueefa got most of the sand out of her hair.
Orioles/Athletics FIRST FIVE UNDER 5 -120
As the warm up sessions begin, an overweight male is spotted sitting in the grandstand sulking with a Daniel Nava bobblehead in his right hand. "What's wrong?" asks the usher. "They didn't have a "The Freak is back shirt" in XXXL," replied the man with a dejected look on his face, "this was their backup freebie" he said waving the bobblehead which was chipped right at the base.
Loads and loads of Lincecum supporters flock the arena to see the Freak pitch a 27 strikeout perfect game. By the 8th inning, the Oakland hitters just stare at the ball as they realize they have a lower chance of reaching first base than a 16 year old kid that holds a prestige rank status in Black Ops 3.
In Disneyland, even a new ride called "The Freak" is introduced, where children under the age of 24 are permitted to enter without adult supervision. Participants must wear a Lincecum wig, while being launched 475 yards in a capsule at a velocity as fast as Tim's fastball, and the children then exit at the other side of the park. Because of the long lineups, most fathers leave their kids in the queue and leave for a short trip to Vegas so that they can bet on the Angels and take advantage of the Ankle Grabbing Annual Anniversary where escorts of any ethnicity are offered at a two for one rate with a voucher display. Hector's dad Montoya is seen leaving the Disneyland resort while his mom is using the restroom. He is seen accessing a Vegas hotel headboard insurance website on his IPhone 6 Plus, and browsing premium and platinum plans with coverage for destruction of all headboard types (It was unconfirmed whether he made an insurance purchase, but sources suggest that he likely did). Hector wants to go on the Freak ride with his fellow peers, and asks his mom if he can go on one more ride before his best friend Ciopang's mom picks him up early so he can begin studying for the 4th grade Algebra exam coming up in 32 weeks. "Ooo Hectorino, thith looks too dangerousth mi Hectorino". At that moment, Hector's capris get caught up with one of the bolts holding the ride's capsule in tact. He is immediately launched into the air in the opposite direction towards Tijuana. "Ooooo mi Hectorino! yells his mom, as she tries to find his father..who cannot hear his phone ringing in the midst of the headboard rattling and the Enrique Iglesias blasting on maximum volume in a hotel room at the MGM.
Safe to say though, Hector has found a new home.
OVER 8.5 -110 GL
BJ staine and his associates are now off on their business trip, and they happened to take the wrong turn and end up in the Twin Cities of Minnesota. They drive past a Mauer Chevrolet, and suddenly everyone in the vehicle becomes a little salty after realizing that their bank accounts combined will not be able to afford a down payment on any model or type 2011 or newer.
BJ decides to spend the day at the Mall of America, which has always been on his bucket list. Despite being hundreds of miles away from their business meeting place, BJ decides that he wants to look presentable. He selects his finest corporate attire and spends a whole 47 seconds in front of the mirror to ensure that his only wife beater that isn't torn is fitted properly, then heads out.
As he gets to the mall, he makes a stop at Sea Life Minnesota Aquarium. BJ has always been fascinated by ocean wildlife, and he decides to take part at one of the tours. The tour guide just so happens to be Fakooki's 16 year old daughter Shawarma, who is still at a future career indecision..and is getting very stressed out about finding a career that suits her after her dreams to be in the music entertainment industry were crushed last week. Shawarma may be ugly, but there is a soft spot in her heart for sea creatures as well.
"This is our oldest um...pet..er no, sea..water.. creature here at the Aquarium. His name is Mid." says Shawarma on a tour as she points to a large Octopus that has been placed in the Great White Shark tank due to lack of funding provided to purchase more tanks in the aquarium. "He was born and raised in Lake Superior, and was--"
"No he wasn't. There has never been an octopus in the Great Lakes" suggested one of the tour clients.
"Oh I'm sorry I read that wrong...I meant um...the Pacific ocean... Indian ..Indian Ocean." stutters Shawarma.
She then proceeds to feed Mid a goat sirloin, but a 3 year old Great white Shark immediately devours both the piece of meat and Mid the Octopus. The children watch in terror and begin to cry hysterically, as their parents file complaints to the management of Sea Life. Shawarma is relieved from her tour guiding duties three hours later.
Orioles/Twins UNDER 8 -120
It is a beautiful sunny day at Rickard's trailer park community, as BJ Staine wipes the barbecue sauce stain off his confederate wife beater. His wife Cheyenne has been sitting on the picnic table all day watering the brown grassy patch on the side of their 23 ft customized Banshee trailer (while she did take a few minutes off to breastfeed their 6 year old son Colby on the trailer stairs). Tomorrow morning, BJ and some co workers will be taking a business trip in the rusty blue 1993 Ford F-150 to Munford, Tennessee to discuss the grand opening of a slingshot raccoon hunting park that will be open to the public on the 24th of May. The trip will involve policy discussions of whether children under 23 years of age are still considered youth rates, or if the age should be set at 24. There has been a strong disagreement between two different arguments on this topic. This has clearly given BJ all kinds of stress all week, and he is clearly not thinking straight as he loads another squirrel patty on the grill.
Now many of you know that Laqueefa and BJ were sweethearts in junior high until BJ was caught in an unfaithful act with one of his step sisters near the duck pond just half a mile east of the trailer park. Laqueefa has made a trip back to Rickards to re live some memories of the three years she spent in the area. Sparks start to fly as Laqueefa spots BJ's cargo shorts from the distances and realizes that they are the same ones that BJ wore the late 90s. She trots over to BJ's trailer and tries to compose herself through the short walk. She finally calms herself down and pulls it together, and solemnly says "Who da hell dis hoe?" pointing over at Cheyenne. BJ immediately changes the blasting Alan Jackson song on his ancient CD stereo to Nelly and Tim Mcgraw "Over and Over" to be a little more accommodating to the guest..but at the same time without upsetting the rest of the community.
"Say here now, we ain't talk in a near damn century. how is y'all over on the other side of the Mississippi?" asks BJ with enthusiasm.
" whatchu got cooking, why ain't there no ribs up in this joint?" says Laqueefa, changing the subject completely. "Ima show you how its done".
Laqueefa proceeds to load the grill with three racks of baby back ribs that she snuck into her purse at a near by butcher shop. BJ tries to stop her from interfering with his cooking, and there is a tight 47 second battle for grill space until the barbecue topples over and the grass starts to catch fire.
"I done been watering that all day!" cries Cheyenne as her overalls are covered with ashes and the canvas over the porch of the trailer starts to catch fire as well. Immediately the trailer park gathers together at the creek with buckets of water and helps to put the fire out.
"Sorry.." shrugs Laqueefa as the entire community stares at her in disbelief.
After crying herself to sleep after last night's National Anthem performance, Shawarma has regrouped and made a rational decision that she is no longer pursuing a singing career. The decision was not made without careful consideration though, as a few things were assessed. First off, American Idol is in the final season, and she will no longer have an outlet to gain exposure. Second, the administration of therapy for vocalists training and enhancement is charging an extra fee for Hyena sounding tendencies..which will result in a $273.59 additional fee per singing lesson.
She gathers her belongings and decides that University is a better option, therefore she takes part in an orientation at the Southern Methodist University. Shawarma may be ugly, but she certainly has the grades to attend Post Secondary. Upon orientation, the first assignment is to show loyalty to the methodist religion and bring an object of sacrifice to the orientation class. With the excess goat meat left over from the lack of purchases at Fakooki's gyro stand at Turner Field last night, Shawarma decides to sacrifice an entire goat. The goat, which was a life long family pet named Bibby, had been suffering from dementia and partial blindness..and accidentally walked in front of Ludacris' cadillac while he was going 90 on the freeway. While Ludacris still claims that the elderly goat was at fault in this collision, he humbly apologized following the incident and offered the family three roosters as a gesture of his condolence. As she presented the sacrifice to the professor, the prospecting students gazed in horror as she unraveled the Braves towel covering the animal.
"Da hell?" says Bombquisha as she looks back and forth between the dead goat and the dirty pink braids from 2004 that she has selected as her own sacrificial offering (Bombquisha has been attempting to enroll at the University for quite some time and has finally achieved high enough grades after six 12 exam attempts).
Meanwhile, Fakooki tries his luck at Globe Life but nobody seems very interested in the chipotle goat tacos nor his baja goat platters. He becomes very frustrated and throws a gyro into the park. A fan reaches for it and nearly falls from the upper level, but Mark Cuban pulls him back. He is later hit in the forehead by a Prince Fielder Homerun.