Posted 13 hours, 21 minutes ago
Posted Thursday, April 30, 2015 04:37 PM
A lot of peeps are violently pounding the Chicago Whitesox in a manner so militant that a mini Tsunami has occurred on Lake Michigan causing the Willis Tower to be engulfed in water. I guess the White Sox will find their epiphany and Vegas officials will bend over and allow tourists to take advantage of National Free Escort Day at the Mirage.
Residents of Oak Park have removed their Blackhawks Tomahawks (temporarily) and put on their deep dish pizza stained White Sox baseball caps while violently waving their wife beaters above their heads on their balconies overlooking the Loop. Xuan Pang has been grounded by Mommy Peng Peng for buying a slice of deep dish and skipping out on Kung Pang Pao noodles at the Chinese Temple. He angrily puts on his Beats By Dre headphones and storms to his room, but can still hear noises after seeing mommy go into her bedroom with daddy. While Xuan tries to increase the volume of his Macklemore album on his headphones, all he can hear is "oooo paki paki" from next door.
Laqueefa is shopping with Sharice for new grills while getting ready for girls night out, when she too realizes that she took the White Sox today. She immediately charges the new Chamillionaire Edition grills to her credit card, and then proceeds to buy a slice of pizza before dropping J-Rocks kids off at Kee Kee's house for the evening. Fakooki has set up his stand outside near US Cellular Field, and is wondering why nobody is buying his goat gyros for the day. Unfortunately his stand is knocked over by a Jose Abreu homerun as Hirachi sauce and goat innards litter the streets.
Meanwhile, in the Twin Cities metropolitan area, the Mall of America is undergoing a makeover when a rollercoaster gets stuck on the track and Julio tries to climb out of the cart. While ride attendants try to prevent him from doing so, no one else cares because it seems that they too are violently fist pumping with their White Sox tickets in their hands.
(I'm on Twins ml as one of my plays. GL)
Posted Tuesday, April 14, 2015 08:53 PM
A lot of people are violently hammering the Astros coming home after a sweep in San Diego, cheering and hi fiving on a six game win streak. I guess Vegas is going to bend over and rub the coconut lotion all over themselves as they allow tourists to bareback them on that sexy -111 line against beachball thrower James Paxton.
Las Vegas Body Shop Employee: Boss, we are out of Coconut lotion..
Manager: Remember what I told you. Offer the customers our best alternative. Explain to them the benefits of Aloe Vera lotion and how it creates a very sensual experience with escorts on the strip.
Las Vegas Body Shop Employee: We are out of that too...
Meanwhile in Seattle, every Mariners fan has officially jumped off the bandwagon and are waving those raggedy 12 Flags in hopes that the NFL decides to change the season opener to May 11th. Cecilia is walking by First Avenue with a Sherman Jersey when she is unexpectedly struck in the head with an adult Halibut. It turns out that the trainee at the Pike Place Market has been given a warning to improve his fish throwing skills already.
In Houston, it is a different story as fans are violently waving their Altuve bobbleheads while watching the Astros launch rockets out of Minute Maid Park. NASA becomes very frustrated, thinking that the home runs are launch pad false alarms. They request for the game to be postponed to a later date that does not interfere with their launch, but are even more aggravated when receiving a brief email response from Houston Officials saying "beat it".
Hector is seen throwing nickels off the Space Needle, and then falls over the edge while leaning over on the railings, but nobody cares because everyone is violently pushing their way through the line to cash in their Astros bet slips.
Take Mariners moneyline +102 **
Posted Friday, March 27, 2015 05:36 PM
A lot of peeps are violently pounding the Padres in a manner so militant that Fakooki felt his Gyro stand rattle outside of Petco Park. While it was initially mistaken for a 6.5 earthquake, the theory was immediately debunked when the entire city held a parade for everyone who took Padres today.
I guess Jeremy Hellickson is just going to bend over and allow that deadly outfield to treat him like a pinata for kids pretending to be blind but not wearing blindfolds.
Meanwhile in the desert all the way from Glendale to Las Vegas, coyotes are running wild and attacking homeless folks and tearing holes in their sleeping bags. Dale, who has been on the streets of Tempe for awhile was attacked by an adult coyote for about twenty three minutes while four retired couples stood around and did not intervene. He tried to run but got caught in tumbledweed. He is slowly recovering in hospital at the moment.
In Vegas, the entire strip is in shambles, as not only are they dealing with the tumbleweed and coyote infestation, the MGM lions have been provoked (Keep in mind that they have not been fed in days because the funds of the MGM are being allocated to paying for the escorts and bet slips). One lion escapes to attack a coyote but accidentally swipes at a tourist, causing him to be in critical condition with a sprained index finger and a broken camera.
Back in San Diego though, there is a violent roar that can be heard very loudly from Tijuana as Matt Kemp hits his fourth grand slam of the evening. Another sea elephant escapes from the Sea World but no one cares because everyone is cashing in on that easy Padres Win.
Posted Wednesday, March 25, 2015 06:03 PM
A lot of people are hammering the Toronto Raptors in a manner so militant that you would think they are doing well lately. I guess Vegas is going to let the Stratosphere be sold to a few folks in Toronto and allow the building to replicate the CN Tower, while children under the age of 24 years old ride the X Scream for free if they wear "We the North" T shirts.
11 year old Hector is riding X Scream when he is launched into the side of the tower. Fortunately, his Derozan Player T gets tangled onto a lose nail, and he is hanging 860 feet above the ground awaiting rescue.
DISPATCHER: We apologize, as it may take up to six hours and thirty seven minutes for the helicopter to arrive at the scene.
HECTOR's FATHER: What? Why so long?
DISPATCHER: Because we are short staffed and cannot afford to pay emergency staff after the city has allocated all their funds to paying everyone for their Raptors bets. Just give him a Nintendo DS to keep busy meanwhile.
HECTORs FATHER: Oh ok gracias.
In Toronto, everyone is doing the wave on the shores of Lake Ontario, as a tidal wave from the actual lake comes onto the land drowning 46 civilians and damaging the Hockey Hall of Fame to an non repairable extent but nobody cares because the rest of the City is waving that dirty Raptors Flag.
A lot of peeps are violently hammering the Houston Rockets tonight as Dwight Howard rolls into Smoothie King Center and pisses all over the court. I guess the Anthony Davis is just going to let his unibrow impair his vision and allow the Rockets to grab every rebound all night long en route to a 50 point victory huh?
Jrock is supervising the Metairie road crew today as he gets a "We need to talk" text from Laqueefa. He immediately heads to the French Quarters to confront her and Sharice after realizing that his credit card has been maxed out. He then calms down when he discovers that the money was used on the Houston Rockets moneyline, and breathes a sigh of relief. However, the text was actually meant to reveal that Jrock jr might not be his child. He snaps immediately and throws his phone into the Gulf.
Meanwhile, every single woman in Houston is violently waving their towels above their heads at a Destiny's Child Tribute Tour, while they perform independent women. "Grills I'm wearing, I bought it!" exclaims Hortencia as she quietly specifies "yeah I bought it with the money I am about to win with the Rockets today". NASA is also in good spirits as they are launching space shuttles to the moon to see which ones are more aerodynamic. One of them collides with another before leaving the Earth's Atmosphere, causing more pollution in the Gulf of Mexico, but no one cares because the entire city is cashing in on the Rockets today.
PLAY: Pelicans +1