Awwwww....Laqueefa making duckfaces and sending them to Jrock again!
A lot of peeps are hammering Kansas City in a manner beyond royally hostile proportions as if the team has everything figured out huh? Ok guy, I guess those Indians are just going to forget about the playoff race and let the city of Cleveland build LeBron and Manziel monuments all over Progressive Field.
Factory workers in Cleveland are spotted throwing their Michael Brantley player Ts into Lake Eerie while... the Bone Thugs & Harmony perform on an artificial stage by the lake. The Lake Eerie lifeguard is seen purchasing a gyro from Fakooki's stand nearby as Bizzy Bone trips on a stereo cord and helplessly falls into the Lake gasping until his baggy clothes converge and form a flotation device strong enough to allow him to safely propel himself to the shore, but that ain't anybody's business.
Meanwhile, in Kansas City everybody is having a summer barbecue as they violently wave their confederate wife beaters above their heads when seeing that Billy Butler has hit his fourth homerun of the inning which hits and kills a raccoon on Interstate 70. Laqueefa and Bombqueesha have pawned off their new grills after losing their last bet, but have now taken up a loan for this one and headed down to Tiffany's to get new jewelry. Unfortunately, they are denied by security at the door because Missy Elliot has reserved the location for a personal shopping spree...they are told to come back after all the Royals victory celebrations are confirmed to be over by the Kansas City Fist Pumping Control and Safety Department.
In Vegas, nothing new occurs apart from the third hotel collapse due to excessive headboard banging from all of the free escorts being handed out with this free play. Other than that, nothing else besides Phandi Haquoon hiring unqualified cooks for all of the free buffet food being handed out also with the plays. Other than that, nothing else besides tumbleweed getting tangled with tourists because of all of the coconut lotion from the streets and Vegas prepares to get barebacked again in a sensual coconut scented manner.
A lot of peeps are militantly hammering the Milwaukee Brewers like it's a stubborn crooked nail. I guess Miller Brewing Company is just going to hand out free MGD bottles at every golf course in Milwaukee today while Bernie Brewer goes down the homerun slide with delight for the seventh time before the end of the third inning huh?
Meanwhile in Pittsburgh, another pirate realizes he is lost as he gets redirected back towards the ocean by a local river guard by the name of Offi...cer Donald Brown. He is struck with a flying piece of steel and does not make it out of the city limits. "Dayuum dat fool got smoked!" yells Laqueefa from the shore side as she polishes her platinum grills while bumping Wiz Khalifa on her beats by Dre headphones and smiles as her ticket cashes in (the Wiz Khalifa concert was canceled because the artist was experiencing discomfort due to tattoo irritation). She then shifts her smile to a duckface in an attempt to perfect her selfie as she sends snapchats to Jrock.
In Vegas, the Trump Tower collapses due to poor maintenance..as the headboard banging continues to force wear and tear on the relatively new establishment. LVH has hired emergency employees (with speed as their primary asset) to sneak into the Mirage and steal bags of money while highly trained coyotes distract the authorities. Sadly, no money is found either as both books have had to pay out enormous amounts to Brewers moneyline bettors. McMarron Airport can no longer permit incoming flight arrivals, as the city is unable to accommodate anymore tourists, but nobody cares because the entire nation is violently fist pumping from the elegant beaches of Milwaukee shores to the dangling half-collapsed Stratosphere observatory as Ryan Braun hits his fourth grandslam of the night killing yet another sailer on the Lake Michigan.
A lot of peeps are very militantly hammering the Braves tonight as they go up against that belly dancer Dice K tonight in the same matchup they just won. I guess Vegas has craiglist postings in spam mode for cook positions as they prepare to hand out free buffets along with that tasty Braves line tonight huh.
Teenagers with little to no experience are violently filling out applications to work in the buffets as they are instructed to submit their envelopes to Sous Chef Phandi Haquoon as he multitasks between conducting interviews and cooking curry chicken heads at the MGM.
Phandi: Mr. Johnson, what are your qualifications
Applicant: My ambition as a ridah (as he adjusts his bandana to look like Tupac)
Phandi: Ok, you will begin your first shift at 5 pm. You are responsible for your transportation and please do be advised that there will be a lot of almond butter on the streets on the way here because Vegas is about to be barebacked tonight on the Braves moneyline. Please be cautious.
Meanwhile in New York, Justin Upton hits his third homerun of the first inning and strikes a plane that over shot LaGuardia Aiport by a mile. The plane does not crash, however male one passenger is traumatized as it hits his window cracking it. The homerun is called fair. After the third inning, 50 cent is summoned from his raggedy nearby neighbourhood to take over pitching duties from Matsuzaka. He reluctantly accepts and proceeds to walk 37 consecutive batters.
In Atlanta, fans are streaming the game at a Ludacris concert while he is performing Act a Fool, while the audience is doing just as the rapper says and causing all kinds of chaos in the building. Another attendee attempts to impersonate an Usher backflip, ironically injuring one of the event ushers, but nobody cares...cause at the end of the day everyone is cashing in on the Braves and getting enough lettuce to support their shoe fetishes.
A lot of peeps are violently pounding the Angels runline with that scrub Joe Saunders on the mound huh? I guess Mickey Mouse and every other mascot from the Magic Kingdom will cast a spell on LA bats to hit at a flawless average tonight while Texas continues to battle Houston for second last in the division.
Disneyland is offering free babysitting services for kids while their parents are off to Vegas to take advantage of this line as well as the complimentary escorts upon check-in at the MGM. A random nomad finds himself wandering through the desert and into the Oasis where he decides to check in at the MGM (thinking it was some raggedy hostel). He checks out of the hotel the following morning in fury as he writes a complaint letter on the satisfaction form (of which he requires an additional loose leaf sheet of paper attached to the form due to his endless list of complaints). The first complaint reads:
"I did not get any sleep last night as I was disturbed by a combination of two sounds: excessive headboard banging and periodic increases of volume from the stereos blaring Barry White. I was not satisfied with my stay and would like a refund."
Meanwhile dust falls off the cowboy hats of the men in Texas as they two step their way into the roadhouses to watch the game, only to realize that they missed Mike Trout hitting for the cycle in the first inning (in which the homerun hit Aladdin off the magic carpet near Space Mountain. He fell and injured two children and a 16 year old emo babysitter). Jrock's kids start crying on the roller coaster as a genie lamp flies through the track nearly derailing the cart, while Bombquesha tries to soothe them by singing Alicia Keys. Her voice is muffled by her oversized Chamillionaire Edition grills, and this puts the children in even more distress. Fakooki creates Mickey Mouse shaped Gyros of which only Palestinian kids are drawn to, and eventually, Officer Smith intervenes and suggests that he relocates his gyro stand to another location preferably outside of Orange County. Three kids are rushed to hospital after being diagnosed with an allergy to goat meat, but nobody cares because the rest of Disneyland are violently waving their capes above their heads as the Angels extend the lead to 26-0 in the third inning.
A lot of people are violently pounding the Tigers. I guess a Plenty Vault has been placed in Mo Town and the city has abandoned it's Ghost Town Certificate Status and is flourishing once again as the wealthiest city in the United States huh?
Ford Triumphantly trots their 2015 Ford Focuses through the streets of Detroit and honks the horns as Miguel Cabrera hits another homerun out of the US Cellular park and into the former Cabrini Green projects injuring a gunman and denting the bottom right corner of Zizi's Deep Dish Pizza cart. The White Sox, who had great success against Porcello in the past now find themselves swinging with pool noodles and wondering why the ball does not fly more than 17 and a half inches away from home plate. Jose Abreu is summoned back to Havana for a Birthday Bash.
Meanwhile in Vegas, the city is invaded by hooligans in Tigers Jerseys and even Mike Tyson's Tiger is let loose to roam the strip. Kids in Miguel Cabrera jerseys are playing dice and blasting Avicii while their mothers take advantage of the free coach purse vouchers at Caesars Palace, while their fathers......well let's just say headboards are banging in every hotel and leave it at that....
Residents in the greater Chicago area are warned that Lake Michigan tides are unusually high. Bombquesha can be seen gathering J Rock's kids and running into the United Center to hide. She impatiently exclaims to the usher that she is disabled and needs priority refuge in the executive suite but unfortunately Derrick Rose is there as well and has reserved that spot for the next eleven years and three months. Nobody really cares though because the rest of the nation is violently waving that Detroit flag as Porcello pitches a perfect game en route to a 17-0 Victory.