Posted Thursday, November 12, 2015 05:12 PM
Posted Thursday, October 15, 2015 05:56 PM
After a few months of absence, Laqueefa has finally been released from hospital. For those who are unaware, the 5' 8 robust female who was born in Birmingham, Alabama, underwent a stressful fifty seven days shortly after her return from Africa. To make a long story short, it was a warm sunny day and the 34 year old was watering her favorite bed of Hydrangeas just a few moments after returning from Bloomingdales. She tried on her new Via Spiga Tiara snakeskin collection High Heel sandals (She really wanted the Via Spiga Beline Suede Over the Knee 2015 Mid Heel Boots, but they were a lot harder to steal and her ex coworker Daquarius was not in charge of security that day). Nonetheless, the sandals went very well with her Phatfarm denim overalls. She also had new pink braids installed into her scalp, so it was a perfect day for a selfie with her pink flowers. As she was taking a selfie, she realized that a daddy long leg spider had crawled onto the lower braid near her right cheek. She immediately jumped around screaming and shouting, and then grabbed her broom swatting at her face, looking like an ADHD diagnosed girl from a Roald Dahl novel. She ran onto the road while Jrock was reversing on the driveway, and was struck by the 2003 Dark Blue Ford Focus. She sustained minor injuries( fractured forearm, bruised left nipple, denting of the upper left bicuspid region of her gold grills) , but experienced trauma following the incident..and was held in hospital for nearly two months for precautionary reasons. Her release date was scheduled to be October 31st, but Laqueefa realized that she had not purchased a Halloween costume, and therefore requested to remain in hospital for another two weeks.
Her new date of release was supposed to be November 14th. However, on November 11th, she was invited to the main hospital lounge for a movie marathon where the group was watching Saving Private Ryan. The next movie following that was Blackhawk Down, and then Enemy at the Gate.
Midway through the movies....
"da Hell is dis cyborg storm trooper Duke Nukem bullsheeet?" Laqueefa suddenly shouts, breaking the silence and causing everyone to stare at her in the hospital lounge.
"Ms Johnson, it is rude to interrupt while the movie is on. It is Veterans Day, and we are doing this in tribute of all of the soldiers who fought for our freedom in the past" says a Senior Registered Nurse solemnly.
"I don't give a rats you kno whatt about no Alien Vs Predator soldier of fortune freedom writer crap. A billion people done die every year in the city of California and nobody be talkin about no war movie marathon for dem. Where da Caddyshack at?" Laqueefa replies in frustration.
The room stares in silence and disbelief..
"Is y'all hard on hearing? if y'all dont take this saving Ryan Carter DVD out da player and get some Caddyshack up in this joint, ima walk outta here an y'all gon regret it" Laqueefa continues.
No actions are taken, and Laqueefa leaves the facility for good. However, she did take a selfie to let everyone know that she is doing just fine right now.
Hurricanes moneyline +100
Posted Wednesday, September 30, 2015 06:00 PM
After killing the family goat, Fakooki was sent off to the United States by his family on a galleon from Mozambique. Fakooki eventually went to St. Edward's High School and became very close friends with Tommy Ciopang and Phandi Haquoon. The three of them would play Big Two in the school cafeteria after school until Tommy's mom would drive by in the 1996 Hyundai Elantra to drive them to TaeKwonDo class.
One gloomy Thursday morning, Tommy loaded his Pokemon backpack onto the school bus and headed off for Sophomore Math Camp, while Phandi and Fakooki waved goodbye and decided to try cooking. They discussed their previous experiences.
PHANDI: I have never cooked anything in my life before
FAKOOKI: I have unintentionally cooked a medium rare rib eye goat steak which gave my sister E coli poisoning. but that's about it.
PHANDI: Let's get started.
Phandi and Fakooki experimented with various ingredients from Paprika spices and cinnamon to chicken beaks and horseradish. They would listen to 50 Cent while cooking, and eventually both of them decided that the culinary industry was their passion. Upon post secondary application, both Phandi and Fakooki agreed to apply at Winstons Vocational College's Culinary program. Both applied online from their own devices, and waited two weeks to hear of their approval. Phandi opened up his letter and exclaimed "Yes! I got accepted into Winston's culinary program!" Fakooki opened his letter and exclaimed " Yes! I got accepted into Winston's Hearing Aid Practitioner Program!". "What the hell?" asks Phandi, completely confused. "Oh I changed my mind and decided this was the best career choice for me," explained Fakooki.
Phandi Haquoon successfully completed his two year program and went on to become the head chef at the Mirage resort's kitchen in Las Vegas, while Fakooki Fuguquashi dropped out of his program eleven days into the first semester and opened up various Goat Gyro stands throughout town.
Take NHL Predators/Islanders UNDER 5.5 -125
Posted Thursday, September 10, 2015 06:17 PM
A lot of you may know Laqueefa as a self absorbed, R & B loving, selfie perfecting, ignorant grill snob from the projects. However once upon a time, the Johnson family actually resided near a trailer park community just three miles south east of Munford, Tennessee. Like in many childhood romances, Laqueefa would catch frogs in a nearby creek with a young athlete by the name of BJ Staine. BJ lived in the 23 foot customized 1994 Banshee trailer at stall #23 (Northeast corner of the trailer park near Dale's family), which was decorated with indistinguishable crayon art which could only be understood by autistic Midwestern children. He would often go to the creek out of boredom while his mother breastfed his 78 month old brother on the cedar picnic table. While skipping stones, he would usually see 12 year old Laqueefa pull up on her raggedy bicycle and park it on one of the nearby rocks. They would laugh, joke, and sing. At times, Laqueefa would bring her steel drums and play Montell Jordan songs while BJ would play Toby Keith songs on his guitar. They were never in sync with each other, and their music sounded worse than thirty four dying peacocks incorporated with a Munford Lutheran choir...but it was the moments that counted.
One Valentine's day however, BJ received a note from his Step sister Cheyenne. It read "Will you be my Valentine?". BJ pondered upon a decision for three minutes, and this made Laqueefa very jealous and angry...plus her family decided to move to a more culturally fit setting. That was the end of their relationship.
BJ now operates four different types of tractors, and is also owns a chicken coup building company. He is now happily married to Cheyenne, and they are expecting their second child next month.
"Daddy everyone in the class keeps calling me trailer trash, can you buy me some new clothes?" asks his first son Darby.
"Son you see what I'm wearing, so stfu", replies BJ as he wipes mustard off his confederate wife beater.
-Marlins First Five moneyline +135
-Dodgers First five moneyline +115
Posted Wednesday, September 09, 2015 06:31 PM
Fakooki Fuguquashi grew up in a small village, and is one of three children in the huthold. Being the middle child was never easy. His older brother Poomba would always get to do "big kid" things, such as camel racing in the dunes and playing heroin tag with blowguns. His little sister Ashley was born much later (in fact ten years younger than Fakooki), and always got her way just as Fakooki was approaching his teenage years.
Fakooki always loved goats. He liked to cuddle with them, pet them, feed them, and take them for walks near the crocodile infested lagoons during the sunset. One day however, Fakooki was very thirsty after a long walk home from Sand Art Class in seventh grade. He came home only to find that the glass of goat milk that he poured into a glass and kept for himself had been consumed by his three year old sister. Fakooki became so angry that he stole his brother's blowgun and shot their pet goat Garandhi repeatedly in the neck with heroin dipped darts. Garandhi went into a rage and started twitching like a mentally challenged Parkinson patient attempting the Harlem Shake, and jumped right into a nearby bonfire. The Fuguquashi family later consumed Garandhi for dinner.
Today, Fakooki is well established in his career, as he loads another gyro platter onto the grill just outside of Turner Field. Customers are heartwarmed daily, and attend his stand with joy as they pick the animal hair off their plate and enjoy a scrumptious traditional delicacy. To make the experience even better, they get to watch their team win today...which happens every leap year.
Braves First Five moneyline -105
After a few weeks, Laqueefa is finally recovering from her trip to Zimbabwe. Just to sum things up, the last fourteen days have been very difficult and miserable for her as she was experiencing : jetlag, upset stomach, complicatedly tangled conrows, yellowing of chrome grills, and general exhaustion.
"To heeelll wit dem gazelle sirloins!" she yells at the nail salon as she gets her fingernails painted turqouise.
"excuse me m'aam? " asks the Journeywoman Nail artist.
A very important game is being played in Philadelphia today, as the the rubber match of the 2015 Annual Special Needs Baseball Championship is brought to you by GEICO. High school children ages 17 and above are volunteering to make the event a memorable one, and also partially because they need credits to make up for various failed ninth grade courses. Quasimodo Johnson, a senior ninth string Running Back at Penn State University has also kindly volunteered his time to climb the bell at the Hall of Independence and ring for the opening pitch. Unfortunately his Champion tearaways get caught on the large crack on the bell, and his Tickle-Me Elmo boxers are exposed.
Braves First Five moneyline -125