Posted Monday, July 27, 2015 06:35 PM
Posted Tuesday, July 21, 2015 07:33 PM
Vegas is dealing with a lot of well known problems at the moment. The fountains at the Bellagio are spraying left, right, and center, causing every third bystander to be drenched. The coyote infestation is at an all time high, as children under the age of 26 are being chased out of the Adventure Dome. Many of them are denied re-entry despite having their red wristbands. It also did not help that the Cosmopolitan Hotel Bamboo Pool area caught fire a few days ago, as many of the funds are being applied to replacing the Cabanas and having former Wrestling superstar Carlito brought in as a guest speaker on fire safety.
VEGAS POLICE: Sir, you claimed to have been at the pool area when the fire started. Did you notice anything unusual?
TOURIST: Yes, three men entered the area with flamethrowers and lit the fake palm trees on fire.
VEGAS POLICE: Thank you sir, we will be sure to begin an investigation on how we can make the palm trees more fire resistant.
Meanwhile Vegas is once again opening the free buffet at Treasure Island, as Phandi Haquoon puts on his pirate chef hat and prepares for his 27 hour shift tonight while tourists violently hammer the Cardinals today after the Reds wave the white flag with embarrassment.
In Cincinnati, the Riverband Music Center is bumping as thirty seven fans violently roar as Nick Lachey crawls out of his one bedroom cave and onto the stage and performs hits from 2003. Laqueefa is in attendance, as she thought she purchased tickets to a Nicky Minaj concert and was angered as she did not make an appearance. "Man why da hell I gotta be listenin to dis New kids Backstreet Boys up in dis joint, where da beats at?!" she yells as she clenches her gold grills and puts on her bose headphones.
In St. Louis, everybody is happy as every customized trailer in a trailer park east of the metropolitan area is watching the game on their 18 inch Zenith TVs as Molina gets his 11th RBI of the inning. Dale is writing country love songs to his step sister, as she pretends to enjoy the music while waiting for Trevor to text her back to meet at his trailer after the game for their romantic candle lit beef jerky dinner plan. Hector is in the trailer park because his good friend invited him over to play Hide and Seek. Home free is the green and white trailer which belongs to Darby's father. Hector is trying to make his way back to home free but sees Darby's wife breastfeeding her 73 month old son on a picnic table. He is disgusted and runs away but trips and hits his forehead on the corner of the picnic table. "Oooooo no Mi Hectorino!! why ju come down here. Ju shud be hom watching Diego ese!" yells Hector's mother as she steps out of Dale's brother's porch with a confederate wife beater wrapped around her neck, but nobody cares as everyone is cashing in on those Cardinals tonight.
I'm on Reds +1.5 -130
Posted Sunday, July 19, 2015 03:56 PM
Vegas is in complete shambles once again, as the lone active fountain at the Bellagio has erupted with more pressure than a Super Soaker CPS 2500, and caused several rooms on the second floor of the hotel to flood. Dale is in room 223 with a fourty seven year old escort by the name of Brandina in a Banana Republic Dress, as she prepares her industrial size bottle of Aloe Vera cream on her third right love handle, when water storms into the room nearly drowning her. Luckily, Dale is a lifeguard at a local Missouri Community Center. He saves her life by throwing her out the window, in which she lands on a pinless ATM machine and knocks over the line, fracturing her left index finger.
Speaking of Pinless ATMs, Vegas is one again bending over with that sexy -120 line on the world's best baseball team as they bring Michael Wacha to the mound.
Chicago is once again in horrible condition, as there are shootings going on in Millennium park by Lake Michigan. Apparently, the Cabrini Green Projects have secretly reestablished themselves at the park, and Jamal and Tayshaun are fellow gang members in a dispute over who gets the last Goat pudding shawarma at Fakooki's Lake Side Goats R Us Stand.
JAMAL: Man I done been standin here the whole time....THE WHOLE TIME!
TAYSHAUN: Man I don't care, I been eating Hamburger helpers all week and I been cravin dat mountain Goat.
gunshots are fired off the Silver Bean, and a 9mm ricochets and knocks a sombrero off Hector's head and his blonde dyed hair is exposed. "oooo Hectorino, how could ju do thith to your hair. Ju look like brasilia Sthoccer player Neymar Hectorino chico!" yells his mother as she is very angry.
Meanwhile in Dale's home trailer park, everyone is violent waving their wife beaters on their picnic tables as a tornado rips by another nearby park. Darcy is seen with his Molina jersey (fake) walking into Cheyenne's trailer, while her brother watches with his 8x25 binoculars with envy hoping that the flirting at yesterday's barbecue does not evolve to anything. However, he is devastated when he sees the trailer start rocking in a manner beyond militant proportions. Laqueefa drives into the trailer park realizing that her GPS was way off in directing her to Ferguson. "Da hell is dis?" she says with extreme confusion, but no one cares cause because every trailer is bumping country tunes as the Cardinals extend the lead to 26 runs.
Take White Sox moneyline +110
Posted Saturday, July 18, 2015 06:38 PM
Vegas is in better shape, but still on a tight budget. However, the good news is that the minimum weight of strippers at he Sapphire Pool at Rio have now been reduced from 196 lbs, to 167 lbs, as enough funds are available for more expensive dancers. Cinnamon struts back and forth with elegance and confidence as her debut is underway and she is wearing a Rock and Republic Thong and Fruit of the Loom bras. She does a spin and attempts a cartwheel but accidentally kicks one of the servers in the head, causing three Strawberry Mojitos to be spilled into the pool. She receives a warning as T Pain is played for the remainder of her session.
While Bellagio fountains are still as inactive as Royce Da 5' 9", the buffet is offering completely free meals to the first five hundred thousand guests under the age of ninety two, as Madison Bumgarner is being offered at -120 today against the raggedy Diamondbacks along with the free meal. Phandi Haquoon is trying to coordinate the Tandoori Gazelle dish , which happens to be a favorite right out of the gates.
GREETER: I'm so sorry ma'am , but we cannot let you in.
WOMAN: Why not?
GREETER: You turned 93 last month. There is a McDonalds just behind Circus Circus near Vatos alley though.
Just a state over, there is a state of emergency as fifty seven seniors have been attacked by coyotes. Hector is on a field trip at the Desert Botanical Garden with his best friend Julio. Both are still wearing casts from last weeks Shark attacks. The garden tour guide is very informative. "Over to the left , we have a cactus. If you are wondering what plant that is on your right, it is one of the most exotic plants you will see here, it is called a cactus. If you look down the trail very closely, you will see a tall prickly plant. That one is called a cactus. Say it with me class" he explains thoroughly. Julio and Hector try to make the Vatos Locos signs when posing in front of a cactus with their selfie sticks, when one falls over and pokes Hector on his upper lip. He cries hysterically. "Ooooo mi Hectorino! Ju wan some blistthexx!" yells Hecto's mother who happened to take a job offer for the day as a lead gardener at the place.
Meanwhile, the Bay area is celebrating in the most violent manner as the Embarcadero is having a parade across to the Fisherman's Wharf and every one is singing Lights by Journey. Laqueefa bought a Barry Bonds jersey that she is now wearing under her Swarovski necklace. She approaches Fakooki's sourdough Goat chowder stand looking for a drink. "Yo got any purple urple up in here?" she asks politely. "Oh no you have to try di soup. It cook in mi home country in mi mom sand house." replies Fakooki. "to hell wit dis Swiss onion food bank BS, Ima get me some Drank ya dig? And what da hell be going on wit dis Mick Swagger country ass music. Y'all need some young jeezy up in dis joint!" Suggests Laqueefa, but no one cares what they are eating as they are waiting for that final out as the Giants extend their lead to 24 runs.
Take Diamondbacks ml +100
Posted Friday, July 17, 2015 06:41 PM
The Confederate Flag at New York New York is raised halfway this afternoon, as thousands of Las Vegas residents gather for Tuffy's Memorial Service. For those of you who are unaware, Tuffy was the longest serving dolphin at the Mandalay Bay Aquarium, but sadly was eaten by a Great White Shark three weeks ago. One tourist at the ceremony looks puzzled and approaches a Vegas Official.
TOURIST: Why did it take three weeks to set up an funeral?
VEGAS OFFICIAL: The coffin was too expensive for the city to afford. May I ask you to please lower your voice? the priest is offering blessings right now.
Nonetheless, it appears that Vegas is applying the Coconut enhanced SPF 30 Aloe Vera Lubricant on herself as she prepares to be barebacked by gamblers on that sexy -110 Marlins bet against the raggedy Phillies tonight. Headboard insurance companies are adding fine print to their policy, as they have lost a lot of money over the past three months. The policy now states that headboard damage inflicted by activity involving escorts over 175 pounds will not be covered in the premium Headboard Protection plan, and scales will now be provided in each hotel room at MGM Grand (Last week, a headboard in room 427 was shattered right against the grain when Hortencia, who had just been imported from Guadalajara, attempted to stretch her legs behind her neck..but lost balance and fell on top of the male guest and went elbow first into the cedar wood. The guest escaped with minor injuries: cracked ribs and a cranial fracture).
In the city of Brotherly Love, things do not look good as the thugs from Camden have made their way into town and set the Benjamin Franklin Parkway on fire. Hector is trying to escape but is trapped in the park, and proceeds to climb the horse statue and sit on it until the firefighters arrive. The flames get as close as three inches from his Mexico themed Nike Capris. His mother watches in horror on the side, while firefighters swoop in with extended ladders to rescue him. "Ooooo en fuego mi Hectorino, en fuego!"
Meanwhile on South Beach, everyone is violently screaming as girls in bikinis are smiling and offering everyone free 57 ml samples of bath salts. Laqueefa and Bombquisha add a few grains into their Apple Margaritas and are now jumping around the beach pretending to be hyenas while Sisqo can be heard on beach speakers throughout the entire area. "Kaapoooooyaaa Kapooooyaaa!" yells Laqueefa as she terrorizes elderly tourists while they are on their beach chairs, but most of them don't care as they are on their ipads watching Billingsey give up his eleventh homerun of the game.
Take Phillies moneyline -105
Vegas had a week to further recover, as now the coyote infestation hazard has now gone from level red to level orange. The Palms has reinstated the Pearl Theater, and an wannabe Dane Cook is performing tonight in front of seventy three people.
As New York New York requests for the Empire State Building to be re-erected after a sandstorm blew it down last month, Vegas Officials politely decline as they are now installing pinless ATMs near the site of where the building used to be while every gambler hammers the Pirates at plus value tonight. I guess Mike Fiers will be serving up more meatballs than an Italian grandmother, while Charlie Morton will be giving up less hits than Kevin Federline this evening.
New York New York Owner: Can we please have the Empire State rebuilt?
Vegas Official: No, it will cost too much...um....titanium.
Meanwhile in Milwaukee, things are not looking good. Lake Michigan has already washed away four golf courses and the tsunami is making it's way to Discovery World. Hector is learning about pendulums as a scientist nearby is doing a demonstration of how to make elephant toothpaste. The experiment goes wrong as Fakooki is frying goat heads too close to the presentation, and this creates a combustive effect sending everyone in the audience flying. Hector gets dragged along the waves of lake Michigan and slides into Jrock's oldest son, who proceeds to throw sheep hearts at Hector. "Ohhh no mi Hectorino!!" yells Hector's mother "Thith ith why we liv Mehico! So that dee Vatos sthop throwing burrrittoo at you!".
Meanwhile in Pittsburgh, every one is violently waving their Pirates hats in the air as Wiz Khalifa performs at Heinz Field while everyone watches another ball fly out of the park on the big screen. Laqueefa is at the concert with her homegirl Bombquisha, as both their braids sway gracefully in the river breezed air as "Young Wild and Free" is being sung. They show each other their new grills, and Bombquisha gets jealous as she realizes that her own grills look like cheap braces compared to Laqueefa's limited edition Chamillionnaire 2006 Chrome Vintage Molar fitted ones. "Dey got kids starvin in a country like Africa and u worried bout yo dam jewelry. You gotta get yo priorities straight home girl!" says Bombquisha in disgust, but Laqueefa doesn't care because she is violently her Pirates ticket in the air with the rest of the crowd in the most militant manner.
Take Brewers ml -122