Posted Monday, January 26, 2015 06:41 PM
Posted Wednesday, January 14, 2015 06:18 PM
A lot of people are putting on their green hats and violently riding the Boston Celtics today as if St. Patrick's Day was pushed two months early just because the Warriors only won by three points last night. I guess the Celtics have found the pot of gold at the end of the desert's rainbow and are ready to put a winning streak together.
In Bean Town, every corporate guido has put on his stone washed khakis and headed out to watch this game. They are waving the big green flag as Evan Turner hits his 7th Half courter by the midway mark for the first quarter. Harvard Freshman Connor McConnor decides to skip his last Business Law class to prepare for the festivities of tonight's game, but it does not go well as he trips over one of the statues on campus and sprains his ankle .
"That's retaaaaded!" he exclaims as he makes an obscene gesture at an art student walking by.
Meanwhile in Salt Lake City, they are feeling the aftermath of the barebacking going on in their neighboring state of Nevada. Tumbleweeds roll into the state of Utah carrying debris of headboard remains and aloe vera binded lavender candles and sex toys.
"What's this daddy?" says 8 year old Joseph
"It's um...it's bad!" answer's his father as he adjusts his suspenders and puts down his REPENT OR PERISH sign.
Salt Lake overflows and eleven Mormon children have gone missing because they were at church during the only available swimming lesson offerings, but nobody cares because everybody is cashing in on the Celtics +7.5 tonight and all of the Crabcakes are on the house.
PLAY: Utah -7.5
Posted Wednesday, January 14, 2015 05:35 PM
A lot of people are violently hammering the Dallas Mavericks as they hold their heads high like they are on top of a mountain after that overtime win in Sac Town. Oh wait... they are! As their plane lands in raggedy Denver.
Dirk Nowitzki spends half the day exploring the Denver Airport examining murals and trying to find the underground tunnels when Officer Smith reminds him to report to the Pepsi Center. Meanwhile, another action junkie gets caught in an Avalanche near Aspen and tumbles right into the Grand Hyatt in downtown Denver where P. Diddy is in a room with an escort named Cinnamon. Peyton Manning is seen sitting at a dive bar by himself and nobody has requested for an autograph in the last seventeen hours (he also held an autograph session outside of Sports Authority Field for children under the age of 23).
Just a few states away, chaos ensues as three thousand and seventy seven Texans make their way to the strip to take their frustration out on the Sportsbook after the Cowboys loss. They proceed to put their life savings on the Dallas Mavericks, and Treasure Island proceeds to offer free steak at their buffets. Fakooki is now working as a buffet cook, and becomes very agitated at the amount of visitors during the game. He proceeds to shut down early and gets dismissed on the spot.
Although the Cowboys fans are deeply saddened by the loss, they no longer care as they now have their grandchildren going to college off that Mavericks win.
Posted Tuesday, January 13, 2015 08:35 PM
A lot of people are violently hammering the Montreal Canadiens and singing "Ole Ole Ole Ole" as soccer fans perk up to see what is happening in the streets. I guess the Blue Jackets spent their last four days applying coconut butter on themselves to prepare for the barebacking tonight in front of their own fans just the same way they lost the last two games huh?
Brandon Dubinsky forgot it was game day, as he along with one million other Columbians are still wearing Buckeyes gear and violently waving that flag outside of the Arena. Nationwide was not on Peyton's side this past weekend, and they won't be on the Jacket's side tonight as they have already sponsored P.K. Subban if he can score two hattricks tonight (which he does with ease).
Meanwhile, in Montreal everybody is adding the Habs to their prolines before engaging in the 2015 snowball fight on St. Catherine Street. 8 year old Sylvie gets her scarf stuck on an icicle on a nearby building and sobs miserably (in French) as it was knitted by her grandmother during the last Canadiens Stanley Cup run. The city violently roars as they watch the big screen placed outside of the Bell Centre, as Pierre points yells "Regardez, C'est une joueur de hockey terribles!" as they show Sergei Bobrovsky shaking his head in despair on the bench, but no one cares cause the entire nation is making down payments on new dog sleds following the cash out on the Habs ml
Take the Jackets ml
Posted Tuesday, January 13, 2015 07:15 PM
A lot of people are hammering the Dallas Mavericks on that easy cover in Sac Town tonight as Vegas offers that sexy line along with the free buffets today. I guess Sacramento is just going to bend over after beating the Cavaliers, thinking that the season is over huh?
Rajon Rondo makes his way to the arena only to be bothered by 7 year old Hortencia asking for an autograph.
HORTENCIA: OMG MOM!! look, it's Rihanna!!
RONDO: no, I am not Rihanna
HORTENCIA: Oh (sobs violently)
Fans Sacramento have made their way towards the Golden Gate Bridge for reasons that will become known to the public a few hours from now. Vegas has already closed down ten casinos after the hockey game lines they offered today, but will now shut down the remainder as the food supply is getting low across the state. The Nove Italiano restaurantiano has now reached its last resort, and the ground beef in the pasta sauce is now coyote meat. Drais nightclub is now operated by a DJ/Manual lights operator, as he turns on the ghetto blaster and switches the lights ON and OFF at a rapid pace for club dancing effects. Laqueefa trips on her own heels and spills her glass of Jose Cuervo, destroying her Motorola Razr in the process but nobody cares because everyone is violently fist pumping as Disco Dirk hits his 23rd three pointer of the game.
Bambi texted from Hooters. She mentioned that she is with Kanye West right now and they are sipping on Chardonnay and watching Unsolved Mysteries on the Suite's Tempurpedic 3300, but more importantly, she also made it clear that there is a Pow Wow going on outside of Lake Winnipeg and that they are violently waving their Jets flags as the entire province has taken the Jets moneyline.
I guess the Panthers are just going to abort mission of their western Canada sweep because they realized (after a long debate) that Winnipeg is more east than west huh? Roberto Luongo is seen eating at a Boston Pizza just 1 hour before puckdrop unsure of whether he will be in net or not.
24 YEAR OLD FEMALE SERVER: Would you like another pitcher of Rickards red?
LUONGO: No, Rickard's white this time please.
24 YEAR OLD FEMALE SERVER: no problem..all to yourself?
LUONGO: Do you see anyone else?
24 YEAR OLD FEMALE SERVER: Oh sorry...it's just...I thought you had a game to play soon.
LUONGO: Vegas has agreed to stretch her legs behind her head on the Jets moneyline tonight...so it doesn't matter.
Meanwhile, Andrew Ladd makes his way to the arena already in uniform and is mistaken for a male flight attendant of a new airline company, but this does not affect his game, as he scores six goals tonight and everybody is lining up to cash in their Jets moneyline tickets.
Panthers moneyline is the play