Posted 40 minutes ago
Posted Wednesday, March 25, 2015 06:03 PM
A lot of people are hammering the Toronto Raptors in a manner so militant that you would think they are doing well lately. I guess Vegas is going to let the Stratosphere be sold to a few folks in Toronto and allow the building to replicate the CN Tower, while children under the age of 24 years old ride the X Scream for free if they wear "We the North" T shirts.
11 year old Hector is riding X Scream when he is launched into the side of the tower. Fortunately, his Derozan Player T gets tangled onto a lose nail, and he is hanging 860 feet above the ground awaiting rescue.
DISPATCHER: We apologize, as it may take up to six hours and thirty seven minutes for the helicopter to arrive at the scene.
HECTOR's FATHER: What? Why so long?
DISPATCHER: Because we are short staffed and cannot afford to pay emergency staff after the city has allocated all their funds to paying everyone for their Raptors bets. Just give him a Nintendo DS to keep busy meanwhile.
HECTORs FATHER: Oh ok gracias.
In Toronto, everyone is doing the wave on the shores of Lake Ontario, as a tidal wave from the actual lake comes onto the land drowning 46 civilians and damaging the Hockey Hall of Fame to an non repairable extent but nobody cares because the rest of the City is waving that dirty Raptors Flag.
Posted Tuesday, March 24, 2015 07:26 PM
A lot of peeps are violently hammering the Houston Rockets tonight as Dwight Howard rolls into Smoothie King Center and pisses all over the court. I guess the Anthony Davis is just going to let his unibrow impair his vision and allow the Rockets to grab every rebound all night long en route to a 50 point victory huh?
Jrock is supervising the Metairie road crew today as he gets a "We need to talk" text from Laqueefa. He immediately heads to the French Quarters to confront her and Sharice after realizing that his credit card has been maxed out. He then calms down when he discovers that the money was used on the Houston Rockets moneyline, and breathes a sigh of relief. However, the text was actually meant to reveal that Jrock jr might not be his child. He snaps immediately and throws his phone into the Gulf.
Meanwhile, every single woman in Houston is violently waving their towels above their heads at a Destiny's Child Tribute Tour, while they perform independent women. "Grills I'm wearing, I bought it!" exclaims Hortencia as she quietly specifies "yeah I bought it with the money I am about to win with the Rockets today". NASA is also in good spirits as they are launching space shuttles to the moon to see which ones are more aerodynamic. One of them collides with another before leaving the Earth's Atmosphere, causing more pollution in the Gulf of Mexico, but no one cares because the entire city is cashing in on the Rockets today.
PLAY: Pelicans +1
Posted Wednesday, March 18, 2015 06:17 PM
A lot of people are violently pounding OKC as they piss all over the Lakers and win by double digits huh? I guess it's free escort week again in Vegas, and the Wynn has purchased premium headboard insurance for the wave of guests this evening.
Meanwhile in Oklahoma City, a tornado rips through the suburbs but Carrie Underwood is joyfully performing "Blown Away" at the halftime show at Chesapeake Arena, as a trailer gets hurled over the downtown area. Fans don't care as they are violently waving that dirty OKC towel as Westbrook records a triple double within the first 6 minutes of the game.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, kids get attacked in Vatos Alley as many gangsters are upset with the Lakers performance today.
Headboard Technicians are on standby all over the strip.
"Honey, I hope you had a good dinner. Tell the kids Daddy says hi. I should be coming home around 4 AM. Love you" says a red baggy eyed Headboard technician as he hangs up at a nearby pay phone booth.
Posted Tuesday, March 17, 2015 03:00 PM
A lot of peeps are violently pounding the Anaheim Ducks as children under the age of 23 receive free Mickey Mouse P & B Sandwiches upon entry at Disneyland all day. I guess Vegas is extending her pilates session as she strives to bend over and grab her ankles while being barebacked by every bettor taking Anaheim.
Meanwhile in Disneyland, Cinderella is spotted engaging in promiscuous behavior with Pocohontas as they both lure Gaston into a nearby Teepee near space mountain. Gaston is seen immediately trying to escape as it turns out to be a trap for the Beast. 5 year old Hector gets in the way and is bowled over by Gaston. He cries hysterically as he drops his churro, as his parents are too busy to buy him another one because they are watching the Ducks game from a rollercoaster.
Just North, Tom Cruise is doing a scene for the next Mission Impossible, but is furious to hear about the Kings losing 11-0 after two periods. He takes matters into his own hands and goes on a rampage on the casting crew and make up artists, while Phandi Haquoon (the chef on set) escapes on a camel.
Pilates Instructor in Vegas: Now reach for your ankles and gently wrap them behind the back of your head.
Vegas Official: I'm trying.
Pilates Instructor: We might have to move you down a class. The preparation process for the amount of ankle grabbing you are going to do on tonight's loss might be a little overwhelming.
But no one cares because every surfer is violently waving their surfboards as they cash in on the Ducks tonight.
Kings ml -115
A lot of peeps are violently pounding the Vancouver Canucks as the raggedy Flyers roll into town to lose again for the seventh time in eight games. I guess vegas is just going to allow the line to move so that bettors have just enough value to Hammer the Canucks and withdraw from the pinless ATMs outside of the inactive Bellagio fountains.
ROBUST MALE TOURIST FROM ZIMBABWE:
why is dis fountain not spraying d water ?
Because all our maintenance money is coming out of the pinless ATMs
Meanwhile, in Philly, Laqueefa is planning girls night out with Sharice and Bombquesha when she gets a phone call from the police station. Jrock's oldest son (12) was detained after swinging of the Liberty Bell at the Hall of Independence and claiming to be Quasimodo. He was also already being chased for stealing from Fakooki's philly cheese goat steak stand . Officer Smith happens to know Laqueefa from high school, and allows Jrock jr to return home with a warning.
Meanwhile in Vancouver, every hippie is violently waving their yoga mats on the sea wall in Stanley Park as The Canucks scoreboard reads VAN 14 PHI 0 .
Play Flyers ml +130