A lot of people woke up this morning with a natural instinct to check for easy Vegas handouts, and saw the Blues/Stars total set at 5. They violently took out bank loans and booked immediate trips to stay at the MGM to hammer the over, and of course take advantage of the free buffets.
Phandi Haquoon, who is the buffet head chef, is now scrambling to hire cooks and is willing to lower his qualification standards for applicants. The first person who walks into the interview session is a young teenage male by the name of Lamont Johnson.
Phandi: Mr. Johnson, do you have a criminal record?
Phandi: Do you have any experience in culinary?
Phandi: Sir, what are your qualifications?
Lamont: bandz to make her dance
Phandi: Are you able to start at 4:30 pm today?
Meanwhile, architecture is collapsing all around the strip as the books have spent most of the city's profits paying off tourists on this over. The fountains at Bellagio remain inactive as the signs continue to read "out of order". The swordfish in Mandalay Bay has gone unfed for four days and is now penetrating the glass of the aquarium, causing 8 year old Julio to cry.
Back in Dallas however everyone is violently waving their Cowboy hats and burning their Romo jerseys as they see the score read 7-7 after two periods. Children are impersonating Tyler Seguin and taking slapshots from Fort Worth and somehow the pucks find their way into the arena and past Bryan Elliot, but unfortunately that does not count on the scoreboard..however, nobody cares because the headboards are banging and vegas is once again bending over on another NHL bet.
A lot of people are hammering that sexy -125 Canadiens line in a manner so militant that it makes the war against ISIS look like a Laser Quest match. I guess Vegas will be handing out free escorts and buffets on this one.
Service Representative: Thank you for calling Herber's Headboard Repair Services, How may I help you?
Mirage Hotel Clerk: Um yes, hi...I would like to hire thirty seven headboard technicians to help rebuild our king, queen, and double bed headboards after all of the barebacking that will be going on tonight with the free escorts being handed out with the Montreal Canadiens moneyline. Is this something you are able to help with?
Service Representative: Absolutely sir. You will be glad to know that all of our journeymen employees have successfully completed their qualifications EHBc (Excessive Headboard Banging Certification), and will be more than glad to assist you.
Mirage Hotel Clerk: Excellent.
Meanwhile in Edmonton, another snowstorm rolls through the Muttart Conservatory in which a tourists is shocked realizing that the destination he meant to visit were the Pyramids of Giza. Another eight year old kid named Dale attempts to skate on the North Saskatchewan River only to end up falling through and being dragged down because his Taylor Hall jersey got tangled in weeds.
In Montreal, it is a different scene as civilians are enjoying the skate down the St. Lawrence river while violently fist pumping and waving their BMO scarves above their heads after hearing that Montreal has scored their tenth goal of the period. Fakooki tries to set up an ice fishing tent on the river in an attempt to sell cod Gyros mixed with goat meat sent over from his cousin in Bangladesh. Laqueefa and Bombqueesha are enjoying their vacation skating in Montreal. Their skates are decorated with graffiti, which catches the attention of a lot of locals. Antoine points at Laqueefa's left skate where it reads "thug life" and he and his friend Guilllame both look at each other and shrug..
"Je ne sais pas" says Guillame, but nobody cares because everyone is cashing in on that easy Habs moneyline and crepes are on the house tonight.
A lot of people are pounding the Anaheim Ducks and waving that Orange County flag as the raggedy Sharks are coming off a loss at home to the worst team in hockey. I guess Vegas will be once again be replacing top notch hotels with foot reflexology centers as they continue to grab their ankles on this one.
Julio gets bitten by a Shark for the second time in as many weeks while playing by Fort Mason again, while Alcatraz tour boats try to attend to him. This time, he is not so fortunate as he actually loses three fingers. A volcano erupts at Mount Shasta causing Sharks fans to flee to Lake Tahoe in their mopeds.
Meanwhile in Disneyland, every ride is decorated with Ducks logos as Jrock's kids roar violently while on the Matterhorn Bobsled. Laqueefa, who is their guardian for the day, is spotted on the side of the ride trying to perfect a selfie with her new grills and Mickey Mouse in a Ducks Jersey in the backdrop. Sleeping Beauty is seen sobbing my Space Mountain after finding out that her father indeed fornicated with her while she was in her deep sleep. She is then comforted when looking up at a nearby screen and seeing that Corey Perry has scored two hat tricks in the first period. Another child gets his dinosaur slippers tangled on the train tracks, but nobody cares as his parents are making duckfaces in photobooths flaunting their Ducks moneyline tickets.
A lot of peeps are violently pounding the Montreal Canadiens today from their pond hockey rinks as they are still two stepping and singing "Au Claire De la Lune" (on skates) after defeating the big bad Bruins . I guess snowmen will ornament the shores of the St. Lawrence river as the Habs continue to take slapshots at Patrick Roys head while securing their 8 goal lead on those Raggedy Avalanche huh?
Meanwhile in Colorado, another avalanche rolls through Aurora and into downtown Denver where a skier finds himself crashing into the Hyatt that Bambi is staying at while in a suite with Peyton Manning snap chatting selfies of the two of them. A boulder rolls through Boulder, Colorado injuring fourteen cavemen and destroying Fakooki's newly renovated reindeer gyro stand. Nobody cares though because ever stranger male is violently throwing snowballs at every person in a Roy jersey in Montreal after the Habs dominate once again huh.
If the pied piper serenades enough blind children into the thick of the woods, he is bound to get paid what he is due at some point.
Pathers/Sabres OVER 5 -130