Posted Monday, July 07, 2014 06:05 PM
Posted Friday, June 20, 2014 07:04 PM
A lot of peeps are very militantly hammering the Braves tonight as they go up against that belly dancer Dice K tonight in the same matchup they just won. I guess Vegas has craiglist postings in spam mode for cook positions as they prepare to hand out free buffets along with that tasty Braves line tonight huh.
Teenagers with little to no experience are violently filling out applications to work in the buffets as they are instructed to submit their envelopes to Sous Chef Phandi Haquoon as he multitasks between conducting interviews and cooking curry chicken heads at the MGM.
Phandi: Mr. Johnson, what are your qualifications
Applicant: My ambition as a ridah (as he adjusts his bandana to look like Tupac)
Phandi: Ok, you will begin your first shift at 5 pm. You are responsible for your transportation and please do be advised that there will be a lot of almond butter on the streets on the way here because Vegas is about to be barebacked tonight on the Braves moneyline. Please be cautious.
Meanwhile in New York, Justin Upton hits his third homerun of the first inning and strikes a plane that over shot LaGuardia Aiport by a mile. The plane does not crash, however male one passenger is traumatized as it hits his window cracking it. The homerun is called fair. After the third inning, 50 cent is summoned from his raggedy nearby neighbourhood to take over pitching duties from Matsuzaka. He reluctantly accepts and proceeds to walk 37 consecutive batters.
In Atlanta, fans are streaming the game at a Ludacris concert while he is performing Act a Fool, while the audience is doing just as the rapper says and causing all kinds of chaos in the building. Another attendee attempts to impersonate an Usher backflip, ironically injuring one of the event ushers, but nobody cares...cause at the end of the day everyone is cashing in on the Braves and getting enough lettuce to support their shoe fetishes.
Posted Monday, June 09, 2014 06:14 PM
A lot of peeps are violently pounding the Angels runline with that scrub Joe Saunders on the mound huh? I guess Mickey Mouse and every other mascot from the Magic Kingdom will cast a spell on LA bats to hit at a flawless average tonight while Texas continues to battle Houston for second last in the division.
Disneyland is offering free babysitting services for kids while their parents are off to Vegas to take advantage of this line as well as the complimentary escorts upon check-in at the MGM. A random nomad finds himself wandering through the desert and into the Oasis where he decides to check in at the MGM (thinking it was some raggedy hostel). He checks out of the hotel the following morning in fury as he writes a complaint letter on the satisfaction form (of which he requires an additional loose leaf sheet of paper attached to the form due to his endless list of complaints). The first complaint reads:
"I did not get any sleep last night as I was disturbed by a combination of two sounds: excessive headboard banging and periodic increases of volume from the stereos blaring Barry White. I was not satisfied with my stay and would like a refund."
Meanwhile dust falls off the cowboy hats of the men in Texas as they two step their way into the roadhouses to watch the game, only to realize that they missed Mike Trout hitting for the cycle in the first inning (in which the homerun hit Aladdin off the magic carpet near Space Mountain. He fell and injured two children and a 16 year old emo babysitter). Jrock's kids start crying on the roller coaster as a genie lamp flies through the track nearly derailing the cart, while Bombquesha tries to soothe them by singing Alicia Keys. Her voice is muffled by her oversized Chamillionaire Edition grills, and this puts the children in even more distress. Fakooki creates Mickey Mouse shaped Gyros of which only Palestinian kids are drawn to, and eventually, Officer Smith intervenes and suggests that he relocates his gyro stand to another location preferably outside of Orange County. Three kids are rushed to hospital after being diagnosed with an allergy to goat meat, but nobody cares because the rest of Disneyland are violently waving their capes above their heads as the Angels extend the lead to 26-0 in the third inning.
Posted Wednesday, June 04, 2014 07:27 PM
A lot of people are violently pounding the Tigers. I guess a Plenty Vault has been placed in Mo Town and the city has abandoned it's Ghost Town Certificate Status and is flourishing once again as the wealthiest city in the United States huh?
Ford Triumphantly trots their 2015 Ford Focuses through the streets of Detroit and honks the horns as Miguel Cabrera hits another homerun out of the US Cellular park and into the former Cabrini Green projects injuring a gunman and denting the bottom right corner of Zizi's Deep Dish Pizza cart. The White Sox, who had great success against Porcello in the past now find themselves swinging with pool noodles and wondering why the ball does not fly more than 17 and a half inches away from home plate. Jose Abreu is summoned back to Havana for a Birthday Bash.
Meanwhile in Vegas, the city is invaded by hooligans in Tigers Jerseys and even Mike Tyson's Tiger is let loose to roam the strip. Kids in Miguel Cabrera jerseys are playing dice and blasting Avicii while their mothers take advantage of the free coach purse vouchers at Caesars Palace, while their fathers......well let's just say headboards are banging in every hotel and leave it at that....
Residents in the greater Chicago area are warned that Lake Michigan tides are unusually high. Bombquesha can be seen gathering J Rock's kids and running into the United Center to hide. She impatiently exclaims to the usher that she is disabled and needs priority refuge in the executive suite but unfortunately Derrick Rose is there as well and has reserved that spot for the next eleven years and three months. Nobody really cares though because the rest of the nation is violently waving that Detroit flag as Porcello pitches a perfect game en route to a 17-0 Victory.
Posted Monday, June 02, 2014 04:38 PM
A lot of Peeps are violently hammering the St. Louis moneyline today while a flock of Cardinals soar through the Gateway to the west arch.
I guess Vegas is bending over and giving gamblers just a tempting enough line so that grandparents, parents, and children can paint the strip with Aloe Vera lotion in a fun family filled festival so that they can all claim a part in allowing the Vegas to be barebacked in the atmosphere of a sweet luscious scent.
Meanwhile in Kansas, everybody is working overtime and witnessing their barbecue grills go up in flames as they scramble to take refuge in their customized trailers. You can sweat forming and triangulating in the lower back regions of many wife beaters, as the men of the trailer parks just can't catch a break these days. Even Jerusalem Café is shut down due to an explosion, and every Midwestern hog was about to miss out on their daily gyros....but look who comes to the rescue once again: Fakooki Fubuquishi.
Just a few hours away across the state, everyone is violently waving their 2011 Championship Hats above their heads as the St. Lunatics peform at the Scotttrade Center. The show is delayed midway through the session, as the bandaid on falls off Nelly's face and onto the dusty stage, but nobody cares because the big screen is showing the final inning of the game and Adam Wainwright is preparing to pitch his 27th consecutive strikeout en route to a perfect game.
Alot of peeps are violently hammering the Pirates now that they have value and are looking to conquer Southern California. I guess Tim Stauffer is going to walk onto the mound with a Vince McMahon strut and give up another 7 runs before recording his second out of the game again huh?
An elderly tourist couple staying at the MGM has filed a request to relocate to a different floor because there is excessive headboard banging on Floor number 9...I guess they missed the memo that every visitor received ten grand at the airport accompanied by a free escort pass in agreement that they place every penny on the complimentary Pirates win at +105. Even the bottom of the hotel invoice notice reads "headboards will be violently banging, and the MGM Grand does not take responsibility for the noise".
Meanwhile in San Diego, the city is affected by all the headboard banging as well. An earthquake is triggered by their neighboring state, in which the Seaworld experiences cracks in the aquarium glass. A seven year old boy is viciously attacked by an escaped flopping Beluga Whale, while a platypus is spotted knocking plates over at a Californian Pizza Kitchen. Fakooki points and laughs thinking that he will now receive all the business, but his excitement is shortlived as a shard of glass flies involuntarily into his gyro stand slicing his meat block into inedible portions.
Meanwhile in Pittsburgh, every steel worker stomps his workboots in a militant manner as Pedro Alvarez hits another grand slam. Wiz Khalifa is supplying all of the cannabis and alcohol that he claimed he would in "No Sleep" ...but everybody insists that they can get their own tabs because they will all be cashing in on the easy money with the Pirates.