Posted Tuesday, June 23, 2015 06:39 PM
Posted Monday, June 22, 2015 06:41 PM
Vegas is finally functioning at 17.4% again, as the Bellagio fountains have received enough maintenance to have every second nozzle shooting streams without Jrock's kids urinating in the absence of the fountains. The Treasure Island Galleon has now installed a cannon on the starboard side. Craigslist actors and actresses have now been replaced on the ship by SAG union personnel who have had at least 17 days of experience in the theatrical and performing arts industry. However, the Excalibur Castle is now being invaded by fourteen year olds dressed as Warlocks. Things are looking bad as every window is being bombarded by customized tumbleweed, and there is nothing the Vegas officials can do.
I guess Vegas is now reaching around with the flexibility of a boneless Armadillo, as they offer that sexy underdog line on the Minnesota Twins coming off a colossal blowout against the raggedy southside White Sox.
The only thing squarer than the bettors on the Twins today is the Spongebob mascot at Nickelodeon Universe at the Mall of America near Minneapolis. Children under 6 ft tall are now permitted into the attraction, as Brenda spends her shift ornamenting 19 year olds with wristband passes.
19 YEAR OLD MALE GUEST: This is the Lego store right?
BRENDA: No, this is Nickelodeon Universe..Can you read?
19 YEAR OLD MALE GUEST: No. So I can't buy my Megatron toy here?
BRENDA: Not here no.
19 YEAR OLD MALE GUEST: (cries hysterically)
His parents try to comfort him by bringing him to the Star Trek Exhibition, as his University of Minnesota classmate Ciopang is seen walking out of it with a dark green Spock muscle shirt and figurine as he waits for his parents to pick him up so they can go out for Dong Pao Pang Pho noodles for supper.
In Southside Chicago, things remain calm as there are only twenty seven shootings today. I guess everybody is depressed with the White Sox team, and have decided to converge on the edge of Lake Michigan. Fakooki talks a number of them out of jumping into the lake, as he operates his Deep Dish Goat Kidney pizza stand right by the water. This heartwarming story makes the news, and Fakooki is offered a job at a South Side Suicide Prevention Facility, which he respectfully declines. The story even makes its way to Target Field's jumbotron, but nobody cares as everyone is violently waving their Twins flags above their heads while Joe Mauer hits his fourth Grand Slam of the game.
Take White Sox ml -114
Posted Friday, June 19, 2015 06:52 PM
As Vegas slowly gathers herself, a lot of people are hammering the Yankees runline as Philly is an autofade for the rest of the season. I guess the strip has no choice but to shut down all water shows near the Caesar's Palace in efforts to pay every gambler this evening. The holes have finally been covered near the aft sections of the Treasure Island ships and shows will resume. Arthur, who is attempting his best Jack Sparrow impersonation, accidentally kicks the block of wood covering the hole. This causes the ship to sink as spectators watch in horror, as none of the actors have completed level four in swimming therefore cannot tread water. A headboard technician named Shane nearby happens to also have his lifeguard certification. In his kindhearted attempt, he throws a floatation device so that the actors can swim safely to shore.
SHANE: Will I be compensated for my lifeguard duties? I mean...I did save seventeen lives...
VEGAS OFFICIALS: No.
Meanwhile in Philadelphia, many families are visiting the Hall of Independence during the game. It is clear that the tour guides are getting very agitated with the Phillies lack of recent success.
TOURIST: So what was the purpose of this bell?
TOUR GUIDE: To ring.
TOURIST: I know, but what's the history behin--
TOUR GUIDE: To ring. To make noise! like you are right now! No more questions please (his face turns red and he grits his teeth as he checks the score on his ESPN app of his Iphone 2)
Hector becomes curious, as they have not received a synopsis regarding the site of tourism. He then proceeds to jump onto the bell, hanging on it by the crack and swinging back and forth resembling a younger, uglier version of Quasimodo. He swings so hard that the bell drops and cracks in four other areas. Hector walks away with a bruised rib, but his parents are asked to pay for the replacement of the bell totalling to an amount of $27.58 (Pennsylvania taxes included).
Just two hours northeast, it is a different story. New Yorkers are violently waving their Yankees towels as Michael Pineda is on the verge of a perfect game. Even Madison Square Garden is rocking as Alicia Keys is performing and prancing around the stage gracefully like a gazelle that has yet to be devoured in the savannahs of Angola. Laqueefa is bouncing to the music when her braids fly off and liter the lower bowl of the building. "Dat Hairdo done costed me my last paycheck!" she yells in agony, but nobody cares because everyone had the Yankees runline today.
Take Phillies +1.5 +110
Posted Thursday, June 18, 2015 06:30 PM
As Vegas regroups, a lot of recovery progress has been seen. The obelisk at the Luxor is now standing upright once again, but as of right now it sits right in the middle of the strip causing cabs, rental cars, and escort vans to be held back in traffic. One escort driver is not paying attention, and drives straight into the obelisk completely crumbling it as Hailey, who is an overweight escort from Wyoming flies through the windshield.
"I'm okay," she insists as she dusts of...f her Dark Blue limited edition Gallaghers 2000 anniversary tank top, while blood and cheeseburger crumbs drip from her second chin.
Shortly after the incident, Vegas has decided that they are going to get bent over no matter how juicy the Oakland A's are tonight.
"Sonny Gray is pitching tonight, Mr. Haquoon can you please start firing up the grills for the free buffet tonight?" orders a Treasure Island night manager.
Meanwhile in Anaheim, there is nothing but disaster. The Big Thunder Mountain railroad has derailed, and Hector tries to climb over the tracks to safety but immediately has his Winnie the Pooh corduroys tangled on a sharp edge of the track and struggles frantically to shake free.
"oooh Hectorino , mi hectorino ese!" yells his mom as she watches in horror.
Once again, Disneyland is having their "Kids under the age of 22 eat free" promo, therefore 243 month old Donovan is enjoying his Triton lollipop which is shaped like a golden scepter with a mushroom on the top. He perks up with curiosity as he sees Ariel put on her mermaid costume (on land) and walk into the Haunted Mansion with Gaston and Pocohontas' father Chief Powatan. Shortly after, one of the bedrooms begin to rattle violently. Laqueefa is seen storming out of the Mansion with Jrock's youngest son. "Close your eyes Kwe Kwe. Ain't nobody got time for dat!" she yells as they head towards Space Mountain, and in doing so, they accidentally run over Mulan near the fried rice stand.
Back in the Bay area, everyone is still violently waving those Golden State flags as Steph Curry continues to sign autographs on Alcatraz. Corporate guidos close their laptops and head to Napa Valley to watch the game over a glass of wine. One of them takes the wrong turn and ends up in Vallejo, immediately scrambling to escape as his Volkswagen gets riddled by bullets, but nobody cares because there is a violent roar in the rest of the county as Sonny Gray throws a 53 pitch perfect game.
Take Angels +144
Posted Thursday, June 04, 2015 06:34 PM
A lot of people are violently pounding the Atlanta Braves tonight as they are underdogs with a top three pitcher on the mound at home against a raggedy Red Sox team. Ok guy, I guess Vegas is just handing out free escorts upon check in at every hotel on the strip again.
Wynn Reception: Thank you for choosing Wynn, your room 604 on the sixth floor. Here are your keys.
Guest: Thanks. Oh yeah, I was wondering how much your escort rates are without a Headboard protection plan?
Wynn Reception: I'll give you a hint. The price for a night is lower than Shelby Miller's ERA.
Wynn Reception: Yes. Hortencia, please accommodate this young gentleman to his room.
"Liver alone. Cheese mine," exclaims a guest from Guadalajara as he comes out of nowhere grabs the escort by the hand and takes her away up to his room.
While this is going on, there is once again a coyote infestation on the strip and the infrastructure maintenance has become so poor that the Luxor obelisk has now fallen over and shattered the glass of the M & M store. Colored candies litter the floors of the shop and 8 year old Hector slips on one and flies head first into the Blue M & M mascot causing him to also tumble onto an overweight female tourist. She tries to sue the company (which would eventually be settled in house, where she would receive a lifetime supply of M & Ms).
In Boston, every Harvard nerd in Business Law Class 207 with Professor Williamson fails the midterm and cries hysterically on campus. Ciopang runs back home to inform his mom that he has failed, as he is greeted by chinese slow jams coming from upstairs and mommy is yelling "oooo paki paki". He sobs uncontrollably and heads to the kitchen to cook his favorite Kung Pang Pao chicken noodles. Meanwhile, Laqueefa is spotted dining with Jrock's kids at a Legal Seafood Restaurant on the waterfront in Boston, while Jrock has taken the 99 Ford Focus to Mary's Carwash for cleaning.
"I'm kinda digging deez, dey done match my grills" she says as she admires her new khakis that she bought at a Boston boutique shop earlier today. Just as she says that she spills lobster sauce all over them. "cant a girl catch a break?!" she yells in frustration as she storms from the table and towards the restroom. "That's why I put on an apron ever since i spilled shaaaaaaaaaak fin soup on my khaaaakis", says the waiter as he fills up Jrock jr's glass with more coke.
Meanwhile, everyone it Atlanta is waving that Braves flag as Usher Raymond does backflips all over the outfield at Turner Field. He flies into the crowd and lands on Tyrone nearly suffocating him, but no one cares because everyone is violently cashing in on that easy Braves money.
Take Red Sox ml
Vegas is finally rebuilding, as they now look to address the most crucial issues on the strip. They started by fixing the Air Conditioning at the Adventuredome at Circus Circus, Hector is still recovering from dehydration after being stuck on a jammed rollercoaster for eleven hours in ninety-eight degree heat.
HECTOR's MOTHER: ju wan some horchata Hectorito?
HECTOR: na na I want the nintendo DS ese
Nonetheless, the next important step was to address the inactive fountains at the Bellagio. As of right now, only enough money has come in meaning that only one stream of water can be seen. Jrock's kids mischievously decide to pee in where the inactive nozzles are, and this creates a very awkward looking water show. The main stream begins to build pressure, and suddenly a geyser erupts and drowns three loitering coyotes. In the process, it also sprays onto the strip and destroys Laqueefa's newly inserted cornrows. "why y'all gotta be frontin wit y'all jet skis like it some daytona 900 boat race up in this mfer? We got 40 billion homies in the country of Africa starvin and all and y'all be wastin water??
" she screams in sheer anger as she tries to find a towel.
I guess Vegas has no intentions of fixing those two remaining nozzles though, as they are now grabbing their ankles with that sexy Royals moneyline tonight.
Meanwhile in Cleveland, the fans could care less what is going on in the Indians game as they wave their raggedy Lebron headbands in the air while watching the NBA finals. The Bone Thugs N Harmony have collectively put in $87000 on the Cavaliers moneyline tonight. There is a tsunami coming in from Lake Eerie, and Bizzy Bone is seen riding it on a surfboard yelling "gotta get dat paper paper paper paper paper!"
In a Kansas trailer park, there is a violent roar as Salvador Perez hits a grand slam out of the park and shatters a Volkswagen Jetta's window on the Interstate 70. Dale has prepared baby back ribs on the picnic table, while his wife Cheyenne breastfeeds their nine year old son Darby. Carson watches his wife quietly sneak off with her younger brother into his Limited Edition Chrome coated customized Banshee 24 feet trailer. Shortly after the trailer begins to shape in a manner so violent that it makes a 7.3 earthquake feel like a Shakira concert. It takes a violent turn and rolls down the steep side of the hill, but no one cares because everyone is putting down payments down on 2016 Trailers with that easy Royals money.
Take Cleveland Indians +105 Good Luck